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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell SIL she can't be my bridesmaid? Long, sorry.

163 replies

CatThiefKeith · 04/07/2014 20:05

Brief history:

Dh and I booked our wedding 6 years ago, and I asked my dsis to be Matron of honour. Dh said he would like sil to be a bridesmaid, which was fine. Both were asked, and accepted.

Then fil fell ill, and we bought the wedding forward a year, and cancelled the big wedding in favour of a quick to organise registry office. Sadly it was all in vain and fil passed away in the early hours of the morning of our wedding.

We went ahead with the ceremony, but not the reception, and it was a pretty somber affair. Sil understandably did not attend, mil and my dsis were witnesses, then we all went home in tears.

Fast forward 5 years, dh and I are renewing our vows abroad in a couple of months, and are hoping this will be a much happier occasion. (We were originally planning a family holiday, then noticed we could add on the wedding package for around 1k and thought "let's do it")

We now have dd, sil has an 18mo dd, both are flower girls along with my two nieces.

Mil has just called, to say Sil is badgering her to ask me when we are going dress shopping. I assume she means for the Children and explain I am buying them on the internet.

Then mil exclaimed that as we had originally asked sil, we were duty bound to honour it. It wasn't her fault that fil died, she'd lost out on being bridesmaid because if it, and would be devastated to be uninvited.Hmm

My issues are:

  1. I can't have sil without reinstating my dsis,
  1. 4 is too many already (but couldn't not have any of them)
  1. Cost. 4 flower girl dresses will probably be at least £100, plus shoes, hair gumf and flowers etc

Aibu to think her bridesmaid ship has sailed and stick to my plans?

(Sil is 26 and has been bridesmaid at least twice already btw)

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/07/2014 00:07

It's a renewal of vows. I don't understand your problem. She is 26....she will get over it.

ApocalypseThen · 05/07/2014 00:28

They assumed because you didn't tell them differently. Give her a ring and explain like you should have in the first place.

Bogeyface · 05/07/2014 00:50

The wedding at which she was supposed to be BM didnt happen. She doesnt get to carry the credit forward!

I would explain to her that you are not getting married, so you are not having BM's. You are buying the girls special pretty dresses so they feel part of it, but as it is a renewal, BMs would be inappropriate.

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 05/07/2014 01:10

Sorry for the late reply, unexpected visitors.

What I would have really liked is dd (3) to have been the little cute one walking down the aisle holding dn's hands. However I wouldn't dream of leaving youngest dn out , so Dd is now going to be ring bearer.

For posters sympathising with sil, yes, losing fil was tragic, especially for dh, being his wedding day and all, but it has been 5 years, in which time sil had had her own 20k fairytale wedding, we've both had dd's , and surely dh and I should be allowed one special day to remember , with our dd and Nieces, rather than our wedding day being the hardest day of dh's life so far?

He lost his dad that day too....Sad

OP posts:
CleopatrasAsp · 05/07/2014 02:10

No is a full sentence, you are having her daughter as your flower girl. If SIL starts tell her it's either her daughter or her playing a part in the ceremony - she gets to choose. Wink

JustLikeHoney · 05/07/2014 02:57

This is your and your husband's chance to create happier memories of your wedding day - the day is not for the benefit of anyone else. I think the very least you are owed after the tragic circumstances of your wedding ceremony is the opportunity to celebrate the day as you wish. Your SIL doesn't enter into it.

lastnightIwenttoManderley · 05/07/2014 05:33

I agree that this is a bigger issue than it should be but some direct communication should help with that.

What i don't understand is that time and time again there seem to be family fall outs due to being/not being bridesmaids. I've been a bridesmaid once. I was five and seem to have been dressed in a peach Austrian blind. Its unlikely I'll be a bridesmaid again. Do I care? Not really! Can anyone tell me what I'm missing here that makes it such a coveted role?

sykadelic · 05/07/2014 06:15

Maybe SIL has no idea "she" wants to be a bridesmaid at all and this is all MIL's assumption.

SignYourName · 05/07/2014 06:22

Have you spoken to your SIL direct yet? Everything else is speculation and possibly unnecessary stress until you've established whether or not she actually wants/expects to be a bridesmaid.

LegoSuperstar · 05/07/2014 06:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 05/07/2014 07:40

"and surely dh and I should be allowed one special day to remember"

Well yes, but isn't the point also that your ILs can be there this time?

If you are not having adult bmaids, just tell her!

Or get your husband to as he wanted her to be one in the first place!

Only1scoop · 05/07/2014 07:52

Your sil will understand of that I'm sure....

Post just reads a little about pretty dresses and cute dc doing various things for effect.

Don't understand the relevance of you mentioning your sil 20k wedding....

Enjoy your day ....it's lovely that your family are able to spend it with you as it's abroad.

JoeyMaynardsghost · 05/07/2014 08:04

You're not getting married. You are married already. No bridesmaids required.

Strictly speaking a married lady cannot be a bridesmaid. She can be a Matron of Honour but not a bridesmaid.

It's not about your husband wanting to look back on your wedding day. Men do not do that. A sad thing happened on your wedding day, that will not ever change. The thing to do is to raise a toast to your FIL on your anniversary and look back with tears and laughter for there are happy times to remember with him. It's about your ongoing marriage, not the wedding day.

KnackeredMuchly · 05/07/2014 09:28

Why not have your Sis and Sil as bridesmaids still just advise that they can wear whatever they like?

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/07/2014 09:50

*What I would have really liked is dd (3) to have been the little cute one walking down the aisle holding dn's hands. However I wouldn't dream of leaving youngest dn out , so Dd is now going to be ring bearer.
*

Have what you want - it's your renewal!

Whocansay · 05/07/2014 10:07

I think your MIL's reaction is ridiculous. You aren't actually getting married and it doesn't sound as if having loads of BMs would be appropriate.

I would phone your SIL directly and explain.

If she / they won't accept it, just go on your own with your dh and dd and keep it private. It sounds like a lovely idea, but seems to be becoming a hassle.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 05/07/2014 10:14

I think your SIL / MIL are being very unreasonable and you should stick to your guns!!

Talk to SIL and ignore MIL.............

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 05/07/2014 12:10

I am at work today, however dh has been round to see Sil, and try to iron things out.

Apparently Mil wasnt stirring, and Sil is very upset that she isn't bridesmaid.

Dh has explained that:
It is not a wedding
We are having flowergirls
She cant technically be a bridesmaid as she is married (She suggested she could be Matron of Honour!)

Apparently Sil and Mil feel 'left out of all the planning and excitement'. There hasn't been any! We went to the travel agent, booked a holiday, and on impulse added on the wedding package.

I bought my dress on Ebay, am planning to buy the flower girls dresses on line too, everything else is being done as part of the wedding packagage (basic cake, basic flowers etc) and the holiday is all inclusive so there isnt even a wedding breakfast to worry about.

it is all so low key and laid back that I can't understand all the drama at all. Confused

OP posts:
Icimoi · 05/07/2014 12:25

I think that your MIL has a point -there's no reason for SIL to think that she would no longer be a bmaid.

There's every reason - the wedding is over and done with. This is a totally different ceremony.

Did she include you in all the "planning and excitement" for her wedding? Or did you have the sense to keep well away

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 05/07/2014 12:46

No, I kept well out of it!

Dh reminded me this morning that there was a bit of a hooha over her bridesmaids - she wanted all adults and dh's aunt got stroppy because Sil wouldnt have her 9yo cousin. She stuck to her guns though. Oh the irony.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/07/2014 12:50

Can't believe your sil Shock

mercifulgibbon · 05/07/2014 12:51

Some people really do need to make everything about them don't they! Shock

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 05/07/2014 12:51

The 20k comment wasn't meant to be bitchy, it was to illustrate that she really did have a lovely wedding, exactly as she wanted it, (Fairytale themed)

If she had never been a bridesmaid, and hadnt had a big white wedding herself, and was 12 or under then I would understand the angst!

OP posts:
fatlazymummy · 05/07/2014 12:58

Lol, I can't understand why a 26 year old mother would get upset over not being a bridesmaid. And bridesmaids aren't 'required' at actual weddings either ,it's just that most people choose to have them.
As others have said, just stick to your guns OP.

KatieKaye · 05/07/2014 13:35

SIL seems to have forgotten this day is not about her, but about you and DH. What she wants is, quite frankly, irrelevant. Your vow renewal is nothing to do with her. It's not a rerun of your wedding, but something completely different.

She had her wedding, which you didn't interfere with, and now you are having the chance to have your day the way you want it.

Keep smiling and stick to your guns! SIL is behaving ie a spoiled brat who has to be the centre of attention. If she really cared about you and DH so much that her entire lie would be ruined by not being bridesmaid then she should be able to understand that your wishes about how you want your day to go naturally take precedence over hers.

Do not be tempted to give way or you will always have regrets that yet again you've not been able to have the day that you want and which you both deserve.

best wishes for a wonderful time.