To tell SIL she can't be my bridesmaid? Long, sorry.

[CatThiefKeith]

Brief history:

Dh and I booked our wedding 6 years ago, and I asked my dsis to be Matron of honour. Dh said he would like sil to be a bridesmaid, which was fine. Both were asked, and accepted.

Then fil fell ill, and we bought the wedding forward a year, and cancelled the big wedding in favour of a quick to organise registry office. Sadly it was all in vain and fil passed away in the early hours of the morning of our wedding.

We went ahead with the ceremony, but not the reception, and it was a pretty somber affair. Sil understandably did not attend, mil and my dsis were witnesses, then we all went home in tears.

Fast forward 5 years, dh and I are renewing our vows abroad in a couple of months, and are hoping this will be a much happier occasion. (We were originally planning a family holiday, then noticed we could add on the wedding package for around 1k and thought "let's do it")

We now have dd, sil has an 18mo dd, both are flower girls along with my two nieces.

Mil has just called, to say Sil is badgering her to ask me when we are going dress shopping. I assume she means for the Children and explain I am buying them on the internet.

Then mil exclaimed that as we had originally asked sil, we were duty bound to honour it. It wasn't her fault that fil died, she'd lost out on being bridesmaid because if it, and would be devastated to be uninvited.

My issues are:

1. I can't have sil without reinstating my dsis,

1. 4 is too many already (but couldn't not have any of them)

1. Cost. 4 flower girl dresses will probably be at least £100, plus shoes, hair gumf and flowers etc

Aibu to think her bridesmaid ship has sailed and stick to my plans?

(Sil is 26 and has been bridesmaid at least twice already btw)

What colour are the flower girls wearing? You could go online and buy her a nice frilly pair of Big Girls Pants to match.

Is SIL spending a lot of money/time travelling to your renewal? If so, I would just let her be a bridesmaid/matron of honour/wedding fairy it doesn't really matter does it? She's going to be there in a nice dress anyway, her 'job title' is largely irrlevant. Just tell her that adults are paying for their own dresses/suits/hair/make up.

On that logic, everyone attending the wedding gets to be a bridesmaid/flower girl/groomsman/pageboy etc! If it doesn't really matter then it won't matter when it doesn't happen.

When I was little my parents used to say "I want never gets." It sounds like MIL neglected to teach SIL this little gem.

I would be inclined to point out these ironies to her. But she probably won't get it. She sounds like an utter arse.

Just keep saying no.

(Or say yes, and present her with a cow costume to wear on the day...)

Does it matter if everyone is a bridesmaid/flower girl/groomsman/pageboy Katie? As long as there is no extra expense I really can't see the issue. If it means a lot to SIL, ler her do it. Be nice.

@ Saucy

I think she paid about 1k for she, bil and dniece to come, which is about average for a week all inclusive I think?

We didn't even send out invitations, it was more of a general "this is what we are doing when we go on holiday, if you fancy booking your holiday to coincide with ours we'd love you to be there, but fully understand if you would rather go on holiday elsewhere or cant get the time off work/school etc"

There will be approx 20 people, mainly family but also some friends. Some are coming for 1 week, some are coming for 2. Sil is going home the day after the ceremony.

I have no idea how it got so big - I thought it would just be dh, dd and I, and maybe my parents and mil initially. (Obviously am very pleased that so many do want to come though)

Flower girls, I think, will be in Ivory with either red or lilac sashes.

Well obviously it does matter to the OP. It is not what she wants and the day is about her and her DH, not about SIL. Most guests wouldn't dream of telling the bridal couple how to organise their wedding.

Out of interest, why do you think that 26 year old SIL, who had the fairy-tale wedding of her dreams (which did not involve OP) should be allowed to dictate to OP about her vow renewal, given that the wedding was held under such sad circumstances?

Keith - do not tell SIL what colour the sashes are or I guarantee she will turn up in a dress the same shade!

Keep it a secret or tell her you are going for lime green/sunshine yellow/neon pink.

I couldn't possibly have sil and not dsis. And if I have adult bridesmaids how could I not also have my oldest friend, who is flying in from Oz? I couldn't, because it wouldnt be 'nice'.

So lets be clear, out of 20 people on the holiday, 9 would be standing at the altar, while the other 11 watched. No, just no.

And lets not forget, it isnt even a bloody wedding - We are already married!

You aren't getting into the spirit of this at all, Keith.

This day is not about you, it is about letting SIL be a bridesmaid. therefore you need to make sure all your guests play a meaningful role on the day.

Why not tell one of your friends to do one of these online courses so that s/he can become a marriage celebrant?

Another three or four friends could provide the music. I suggest a combo of tambourine, swannee whistle and two kazoos, as even the most musical should be able to master these.

the remainder can form a choir.

Simple.

Not what you want, but as long as SIL is happy, then what else matters?

Oh man. I think your SIL needs to get over herself. Good luck OP.

I think OP should stick to her guns. Admittedly, the original wedding plans sadly had to change and it wasn't SIL's fault she wasn't a bridesmaid, but neither was it the OP's fault that they didn't have bridesmaids.

This is now a renewal, a different ceremony. OP can have what she wants, I don't think she should be in any way obliged to ask SIL to be a bridesmaid, especially given that the invite was simply an informal thing.

After all, if SIL can stick to her guns for her own wedding, she should appreciate that OP may want to stick to hers.....

I think if she really thinks about it, in the grand scheme of things,the difference between her SIL wearing a nice dress and be called a guest and wearing a nice dress and being called a bridesmaid, won't actually make that much difference.

I don't think the SIL should be able to dictate to the OP Katie, I'm just generally of the view that if something means a lot to someone else and it doesn't cost you anything, let them do it. I can understand why it means something to the SIL, I can't understand why it makes a massive difference to the OP (I'm with her on the cost issue, so I wouldn't pay for the dress).

Katie, that sounds awesome!

your vow renewal, your choice.

at 26 if she is REALLY miffed at not being a bridesmaid she seriously needs to grow up.

Why not have them all seated except you and DH? The 9 guests not involved can start seated. Then comes the bridesmaids and best man/men, they sit down, then the little bridesmaids, they sit down and then the wedding commences. Or similar.

I just think when you look back in 20 years, you'll remember whether everyone was happy/pissed off more than you'll remember who stood where.

If she wants to be a bridesmaid that much get her to put her pretty frock on and lurk near the register office. Some couple may like the chance of having a ready made bridesmaid of 26 2 with a quivering lower lip for their nuptials.

Life isn't fair. And at 26, she's old enough to know better.

Outraged - the difference it makes to me is that if Sil is an adult bridesmaid, and my dsis and best friends are not, they would probably be quite hurt, especially dsis, given that she was asked to be Matron of Honour at my wedding.

To put it into context, I speak to dsis 3-4 times a week, (she lives 40 miles away) and my friend and I skype/facetime every week.

I haven't seen or spoken to sil in at least 2 months, and she lives 4 miles away. My dsis would be very hurt if sil was bridesmaid/MOH and she wasn't. (Dsis is a similar age to sil, I am 40)

Sounds like she was sad to have missed your wedding the first time round because her dad died, and wants to join you in making this a more positive occasion and creating happy memories. Your MIL and SIL want to be included and probably feel they have missed out on being involved with your wedding twice, the first time because of tragedy and the second time because you want it be low key. Of course that's your prerogative but don't exclude your SIL just for the sake of appearances, i.e: thinking attendants would look silly at a vow renewal and she can't be a bridesmaid because she's married etc. Maybe she could do a reading instead? Families like to be included in a wedding and I don't see anything wrong with that unless you normally don't get along with them. TBH I can understand why getting married on the day your FIL died, automatically excluding the grieving in-laws, might have lead to some "drama". It was a very emotional time all round and the vow renewal is clearly bringing up difficult memories. Can't you see things from their perspective?

I'd just have them as bridesmaids as well! More the merrier.

If you really don't want her to be a bridesmaid, don't have her as a bridesmaid. If your only concern is the cost, looking silly, having too many people standing up etc., maybe you can overcome those obstacles?

To me, not wanting too many people standing up wouldn't be worth upsetting my SIL over. But then I'd let her come dressed in a white dress and veil if she wanted. I really don't think it's worth causing a rift over (even if your SIL is childish/spoilt/pain in the arse).

Yabu. Your wedding day was the day her dad died. Now she has a chance to be the bridesmaid why not let her. I have seen lots of weddings abroad, often most of the wedding party are bridesmaids and those in an 'official' role and just a few other guests. It is normal. Don't be mean on your special day. Be generous, you will be proud of yourself in times to come.