To be sad that, in my lifetime, I will never experience natural childbirth?

[Greyhound]

I am about to turn 45. I am not going to have another baby. My beautiful "miracle" son (born after four miscarriages, three emergency surgeries including an emergency section under a general anaesthetic) is nearly 12 and I am thankful, every day, that he is here.

However, I watch programmes like OBEM and, horrific though some of the natural births seem in terms of pain and trauma, and it hits me - it will never happen and I will never know what it's like to push a baby out and give birth.

My dh didn't want a second child. It caused (and, sometimes, still does) resentment in me.

It's too late now and it has really hit me very hard that I have missed out on an experience I, naively, expected to have.

i bet most women who had a horrific natural childbirth wish they could of had a c section , grass is always greener .

Capital -

i bet most women who had a horrific natural childbirth wish they could of had a c section , grass is always greener

That's absolutely true. However, lots of women don't have a negative natural birth experience and are probably glad they didn't have to have a section.

A section is not necessarily an easy option - it's a major operation, obviously, and takes a long time to recover from physically. Even a straightforward section takes about six months (in my experience) to completely heal and an emergency section (which I had) can be very traumatic.

Slithy - of course you are entitled to grieve for the birth you hoped for but didn't get.

I do remember watching what looked like a horrific VBAC on OBEM (why do I watch that programme? It always seem so irk me for some reason).

The poor woman was up in stirrups and was being cut open in what looked like a very extensive manner. I think the baby had shoulder dysplacia and it was an emergency. That did look like an appalling experience.

For me, my birth experience had its pros and cons:

Cons - it was an emergency and therefore traumatic.

• There wasn't time to do an epidural so I had a GA. Therefore, neither dh nor I saw our baby being born.

• I was bed bound and on several drips so didn't see my baby for several hours.

• I had to stay longer in hospital.

• I was not able, when I got home, to lift, carry, drive etc.

• It took a long time to heal up completely.

• I didn't get the birth I thought I would have.

Pros - well, it saved my baby's life! That is, of course, the only really important matter.

The other pro was that I didn't have to undergo a traumatic vaginal birth.

oh nice

not 'entitled' to feel sad - who made you the emotion police Theo?

I too understand how you feel. I regret very much that I will never know how it feels to go into labour and to push a baby out. Chronic illness and bowel surgery had made this impossible for me. I am endlessly grateful to have any children at all and I know how lucky I am. It is a regret that has in no way ruined my life. I don't think about it for years on end really. But I would very much have liked to have had the experience, however much it hurt!

I had both my DCs by EMCS OP, and for a time I felt the same way as you. Then I got a job on Maternity, and saw the state of some vaginas/rectal areas after natural births, and counted my lucky stars I have a perfect and tight, non-prolapsed vagina. And so should you.

I'm grateful just to have my baby. Who cares how the baby comes out? Bit silly tbh. YABU

Windchime - the problem, I guess, is that babies heads have got bigger over time but women's pelvises have not. I cannot imagine how dreadful it would be to be left maimed and in agony after childbirth - of course I am grateful for that!

However, I just would like to know what it is like to push out a baby and see him from the moment he/she is born - I didn't see my baby for several hours.

I am so grateful to the medical staff who looked after my son and me.

I should stop whining - in developing countries, women regularly die or lose their babies because the medical care and facilities for emergencies do not exist.

Feelings are not rational - I just feel a bit disappointed but, as I said before, I should stop grumbling.

This topic reminds me of a very old (from decades ago) newspaper advert that promised women that a c section would leave them "honeymoon fresh"...

Clearly quite a few people Sarah, have you rtft?

It is nowhere near as simple as baby is here safe so YABU.

There will be women who have had their fertility/bodies/lives destroyed from vaginal births.

There will be women who have had their fertility/bodies/lives destroyed from surgical births.

Both are entitled to have wanted something different for themselves. And it doesn't even have to be as life altering as the above. When we plan and dream of something and that thing doesn't come to pass as expected, and we reflect on our lives, it is bound to cause some sad feelings. And not a soul in the world can (reasonably) say you are unreasonable for that.

I feel similar in that I was in fairly AP circles but ended up with 2 v traumatic births. Id done hypnobirthing cds etc and really hoped for pushing it out at home, birth pool etc....

I regularly hear lovely birth stories and while imt so pleased for them I feel sad that's not something I'll ever know.

You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do. Nobody should minimise it at all, though along with others, I suspect you are in large part grieving about the fact that you will not be having a second child. I do feel for you there, as I should think it must be a feeling that never goes away.

My first "natural" birth was horrendous. It began scarily with a whoosh of green waters(mecconium) but no contractions at all. The entire labour and delivery were driven by a syntocinon drip and for a long time an epidural refused to take properly down my left hand side, leaving me with a large window of feeling and horrendous pain. In addition to that, I had an 8 hour stage 2 (pushing stage) because of the position of my baby. It was a ventouse delivery, which really bashed me about. I needed a large episiotomy and still tore. The stitches were slow to heal and it took months before I could sit down comfortably again. It wasn't anyone's fault, and all hospital staff were very good. It is just the way it was. I look back and think a c-section would have been better. My daughter was fine, but I was shell-shocked.

My second vaginal birth was very different. Much shorter duration, but extremely painful and with no time left for epidural or any other type of pain relief by the time I really needed it. Baby was fine afterwards though, and I was fine too.

My third and final baby was delivered by emergency caesarean at 35 weeks and was the best experience of the lot. Again we had trouble getting the epidural to work properly down the left side, but the anaesthetist worked really hard and eventually it did. Lovely healthy baby, who would not have come out unharmed any other way. As for me, I recovered from this far quicker than I recovered from my first vaginal birth.

There is a lot to be said for caesareans, though you are not unreasonable to wonder what the alternative would have been like.

Sarah - believe me, after four miscarriages, a cancer scare, three operations, an emergency section, a baby that had an Apgar of one and had to be resuscitated and spent ten days in SBCU, I am VERY GRATEFUL for my baby.

However, I feel disappointed that I didn't experience vaginal childbirth and all the horror stories and messages that I should be grateful and cliches about "the grass is greener" will not change that.

Topsey - how awful for you :(. Glad your section was a better experience.

A section that takes 6 months to recover from is not a 'straightforward section'. Two of my sections were not straightforward, with one I had retained products, had to have emergency surgery a week later under GA and a blood transfusion. With the next one, I had to have transfusions before and afterwards, and I also had my innards rupture just as the surgeon was going in...and I was still recovered enough to be back in the gym 4 weeks later. I know many sections are not straightforward but people shouldn't spread '6 months' disinformation just to freak out others.

Every woman is entitled to feel just how she wants about her childbirth experience. But your entitlement to 'grieve for a birth you didn't have' stops short at trying to paint women who have sections as women who have 'failed'. A section does not represent a failure. If people can't break through the patriarchal (and usually financially inspired) orthodoxy that (cheaper) natural births are 'better' than sections then that's up to you. But to paint those who have managed to see through the hype as failures is unforgivable.

The 'only important thing is a healthy baby' line makes my blood boil. Whilst there is absolutely no doubt that it the major priority, I find it totally baffling that all other aspects of the experience and how a woman feels about them are regarded as completely unimportant.

There are so many heartbreaking stories both on this thread and in other places that have clearly affected the women who tell them deeply, but apparently none of it matters and we shouldn't care about it or feel sad that it wasn't better.

what are you on about Herc? the op has only posted a handful of times on here and has hardly gone round slagging off people who had c sections as failures.

nor has she spread 'disinformation' - she just said it took her 6 months. it is major surgery. most insurance wont even let you drive for 6 weeks. tbh i could just as easily accuse you of spreading disinformation - no way i could go near a gym 4 weeks after major abdominal surgery
maybe i am a failure

so much projection on this thread. i think a whole load of people on here could do with birth debriefs tbh

I certainly never said that a woman who had a section had "failed"!

I haven't seen anyone call women who have had sections failures in this thread.

You could also argue that the patriarchy prefers to take the power of childbirth away from women and put it in the hands of men.

A section is certainly not a failure, but it probably took me about 6 months to feel normal again. Not 6 months of bedrest or anything but until it all felt back together.

My section was straightforward (after a traumatic few days). My vaginal delivery was horrific and 2 years later I'm not over it.

And I never said I grieved for the natural birth I thought I would have - if I did (and I haven't looked back at all my posts, tbh) then I apologise for any offence.

doobledootch, agreed, I'm always uncomfortable with the "everyone's healthy and that's the only important thing" line, it implicitly denies women the right to be emotionally traumatized by birth. And we know many are.

On the same page as the midwife who told me at my debrief that my expectations for childbirth had been unrealistically high. I'm sorry, but I still don't feel unreasonable for being upset I tore up to my anus, soiled myself repeatedly on my first day with my baby, and couldn't sit/go to the bathroom without crying for months.

And this is not meant as a horror story to try and "convince" the OP to stop being upset, I completely understand how she feels, and I'm still sad myself for not knowing how it feels to push a baby out (Dd was dragged out with forceps while I was numbed). Kind of feel like I got the worst of both worlds, tbh.

I'm so sad for all the women on this had who endured traumatic labours, births, post natal complications.

It is shocking that so many of the posters on this thread have been left with permanent injuries and psychological trauma.

For those women who posted to say that their baby died - I can only say that this puts my complaint into perspective.

My sister was born in 1971 after a very difficult (2nd) birth for my mum. She had to be resuscitated and was left weak and ill. A few months later, she caught a virus in hospital that caused devastating brain damage.

My sis had learning difficulties and health problems that caused her to spend a great deal of time in hospital.

She died some years ago, aged 32.

My sis was a tragic example of what can go wrong for a mum and / or baby and it shocks me that, over 40 years later, women and babies are still enduring traumatic births.

Chachah - so sorry you went through that; it must have been very painful and frightening

thanks Greyhound, and as you say - reading about other people's stories doesn't invalidate my experience or complaints, but it does put it all into perspective.