To be sad that, in my lifetime, I will never experience natural childbirth?

[Greyhound]

I am about to turn 45. I am not going to have another baby. My beautiful "miracle" son (born after four miscarriages, three emergency surgeries including an emergency section under a general anaesthetic) is nearly 12 and I am thankful, every day, that he is here.

However, I watch programmes like OBEM and, horrific though some of the natural births seem in terms of pain and trauma, and it hits me - it will never happen and I will never know what it's like to push a baby out and give birth.

My dh didn't want a second child. It caused (and, sometimes, still does) resentment in me.

It's too late now and it has really hit me very hard that I have missed out on an experience I, naively, expected to have.

I sort of understand where you are coming from.
But as one relative who is single points out to me, I got married. She hasnt.
I have kids , she doesnt.
I am likely to have grandchildren. She isnt going to get that either.

Sweetheart you are a mum. It really doesn't matter how you did it you just did.

My 4 births were all vaginal and Let's out it this way I need prior notice to get into dds trampoline otherwise it turns into a paddling pool.

It's not some mystical event. It's bloody, painful and just another method for your baby to come out of you.

Stitches, forceps, swearing and tearing.

Natural childbirth my arse.

and tbh. My granny died in natural childbirth. So I have never taken it for granted.

It's sad you feel that way. And OBEM gives you the highlights, not the hour after hour after hour, the doing a poo bit, the stitches, etc etc. just push push push / pixilated fanny and a montage of how they got together.
Reality is hearing stuff like "I'M SHITTING! I'M SHITTING!" etc.

I've never been taken in by all the things that women are supposed to want - vaginal birth, ring on finger, shoes etc. I'm not given them the same importance, just bracketing them together.

I am so glad I had two ECSs. I didn't even feel a single contraction. I do not regret the absence of pain.

I had 2 c sections, 1 EMCS and then an elective. The emergency one was after 25 hours of labour, failure to progress and a baby who crashed his heart rate right down, hence the emergency part.

I had a smug childless friend ask me if I felt I hadn't experienced birth after ds2. Errr no, I did do that whole contractions, 9cm dilation crap and the horrific pain and little pain relief due to the 9cm dilation, and really I was more concerned with my child being born alive.

I did really feel sorry for her when she had that vaginal birth, ripped to shreds, her stitches ripped back open and she got an infection. Hence the donut cushion she had to sit on. Genuinely, I felt bad for her. She must have recalled that conversation she had with me.

My other friend has her hymen hanging out of her after childbirth and they wouldn't correct it surgically until she was done having all her children. She could feel it chaffing in her knickers.

So no, I don't really feel like I missed out on anything. To be honest, a healthy baby was the only thing I wanted in my birth plan.

It hurt like hell !!!!

Also while there is no real point playing down natural childbirth as I don't think this is all about that really, but my two natural births left me with scar tissue that made it almost impossible to have sex for almost a year after each birth and piles from pushing out two op babies that have never completely gone away, I probably would have been better with caesars.

Like others have suggested I wonder if it's tied up with the fact you won't be giving birth again?

I have only one child and I loved giving birth to her and over the years I've felt great sadness that I only got to do it once.

Those feelings have lessened over time but they come back to haunt me now and then. I still feel sadness that I only have one child and however many times I tell myself how lucky I am to have one, it still hurts.

I think indulgent is a little harsh!

I'll swap you. I'm coming to the realisation that I'll never be pregnant, not even for a day.

Yanbu.

I had an emergency cesarean after 28 hours of labour and, as happy as I am that she's here safe and sound, I do feel disappointed that I wasn't able to give birth naturally.

My experience was just so starkly different to what I expected.

I wanted to witness that amazing moment when she entered the world and feel that instant rush of love that everyone talks about. Isn't that the part you dream about and look forward to for 9 long months?

When I had my cesarean, I couldn't see or feel anything that was happening to me. I was probably the last one in the room to know that my dAughter had been born. I felt so removed from the whole experience. When they handed the baby to me she was all cleaned up and wrapped in a towel and I some part of my brain just didn't fully believe that she had come from me. For all I know they could have just handed me any random baby. I felt no instant recognition / rush of love etc.

I just think that there was some primal part of my brain that just didn't engage the same as it would have if I had given birth naturally or maybe if just they hadn't cleaned her up before handing her to me? Perhaps I needed to smell myself on her or something, like sheep do? (Sorry, . I don't mean to gross anyone out).

Anyway, I know what you mean. I also get sad and a bit jealous when I see obem.

In the grand scheme of things though,not that important. Just be grateful you have gotten to experience having a child. Many people don't even get that.

it is ok to feel how you feel. it is not indulgent, or not any more than 99.9% of all of our thoughts in the western cossetted world. it should be ok to talk about it here as well.

YANBU -

I understand how you feel. Before I gave birth I thought a natural birth would be some kind of transcendent meaningful experience. In fact it was a a terrible ordeal, a means to an end. I'ne ended up slightly pain phobic as a result. What is transcendent and meaningful is being a mother. I agree with others that this for you may be more about not having a second child. I hope you find your peace with that.

I'm actually disgusted that a woman who as suffered 4 miscarriages and had 3 surgeries and an emergency section to come through a birth mother and child intact has been told she's self indulgent and needs to get over herself.
Fucking hell.

Op yanbu to feel how you feel. As mentioned there seems to be a few threads of feelings to separate and work through. How you do that for your happiness and peace of mind is up to you, and if you want to talk about anything then perhaps a thread not on AIBU might be a more actively helpful and supportive experience.

Vaginal birth is different for everyone and as an intelligent woman being told ' it was shit/painful/traumatic' doesn't actually negate the experiences all around us that aren't that. It's a similar tack to the drugs argument - drugs are bad - actually drugs are fucking amazing that is pretty much one of the key problems. Drugs make you feel great but the effects are bad and chaotic and you might die isn't exactly a neat tagline.
Do you have anyone irl that you can talk to about it? Did you get a good debrief with your midwife post birth?
Do you think you can have a conversation with your H about it that actually helps you rather than brings any resentment to the fore?
Otherwise, yes it's sad when we are unable for unchangeable reasons to do something important to us but it's only a problem when it starts to impinge on your life and affect how you enjoy the rest of it. It's fine to have moments of reflection where you can say 'I wish I...' But if it lives in your gut then maybe it's time to look at another way of processing it.

Pipbin sorry, that's so bloody unfair.

Oh pipbin please take hugs and

I bet if men had babies noone would have a natural childbirth hate that ridiculous expression. What's an unnatural childbirth ffs.

I had a natural birth then a emcs due to placenta praevia. Neither if them were great tbh. The only nice bit is the lovely baby at the end of it...be thankful that you got one too.

I haven't even had a baby.

Count your blessings.

Pipbin .

chwaraeteg not everyone delivering vaginally feels that rush of love either. Relief yes love not always straight away.

And, Brighton.

brightonbirdy and for you too

YANBU I had an EMCS and on Monday will be having an ELCS. I'm electing as the pain I felt the first time, the fear of being alone again, baby in distress etc fills me with fear. I do think the section was in part to blame for not having an immediate bond, I don't know how I'll be this time. I think the relief of the baby being born when going via the natural route helps the bonding.

So while part of me wants to be able to give birth and does feel like I'm missing out on some womanly right of passage.... The rest is screaming the whole thing is barbaric, seems deeply unnatural and give me an OP any day! no offence to natural birthers

Hi Brighton. Thanks ladies.