To be sad that, in my lifetime, I will never experience natural childbirth?

[Greyhound]

I am about to turn 45. I am not going to have another baby. My beautiful "miracle" son (born after four miscarriages, three emergency surgeries including an emergency section under a general anaesthetic) is nearly 12 and I am thankful, every day, that he is here.

However, I watch programmes like OBEM and, horrific though some of the natural births seem in terms of pain and trauma, and it hits me - it will never happen and I will never know what it's like to push a baby out and give birth.

My dh didn't want a second child. It caused (and, sometimes, still does) resentment in me.

It's too late now and it has really hit me very hard that I have missed out on an experience I, naively, expected to have.

I sympathise with you OP. I had an EMCS and felt an enormous sense of failure even though I know logically I had not exactly 'failed'. But I was so prepared for anything - pain, tearing, forceps, whatever - everything except a c-section. And I have had someone who had a natural birth tell me to my face that a c-section wasn't giving birth properly (it took her a few seconds to remember I'd had one). She cringed afterwards but I know some people think it.

However I am very lucky to be pregnant again and actually I will probably have an ELCS this time, because my body was useless at labouring, and though I still feel rubbish about that, the wait while the baby was in distress etc was worse, and I'd rather just get the baby out of me while still (hopefully) healthy. I don't exactly feel good about having a major operation, but if it's what I need to do to get this baby out, then I'll have to come to terms with it.

You know funnily enough, apart from the devastating outcome, my vaginal birth was brilliant.

Laboured naturally, waters broke on their own, great progression, had a bloody lovely epidural and some gas and air, delivered a beautiful baby girl (breech, no less). Tore, had stitches, healed and recovered brilliantly.

But does any of that matter since DD1 didn't get to come home? It's been over 2 years now, and I've had a section since, and I would say yes, it has made a difference.

I now need to have a vaginal birth where I can have the happy ending both DH and I need, and I hope we will get it. I am however prepared for another section if that is what is needed to bring DD2 home alive.

Feeling regret over the type of birth, yanbu at all.

At 3 "natural" births I am about to find out what they are going to do about the horrific prolapse I am left with, it's looking like at the ripe old age of 41 I am to be having a hysterectomy...so OP yes YABU, the grass isn't always greener

i suspect op's viewpoint is influenced by being unconscious when her baby was born. not just emcs but under GA. i can see how that would be a tough situation.

Perhaps the main issue with having a csection was having a general anaesthetic. I felt very sad I didn't hear my baby cry, see him straight away or touch him as soon as he was born. It was 40 years ago so it would have been different now I think. I understand how you might feel greyhound.

Oops, cross post took me a while to write it!

I very nearly had a EMCS due to severe pre-eclampsia where I was starting to fit. I went onto have a natural birth because the emergency meds got the seizures under control and I was monitored constantly for the 23 hours it took.

Despite all the monitoring and meds I had I feel I had a great birth experience but the pushing out a baby was not part of it. I hated the feeling of pushing him out and I would tell anyone who feels they missed out by having a c section that honestly you really didn't.

The fact that you and your baby are here all ok at the end of the process are far more important than how the baby comes out.

I had a lovely natural child birth with DD1. An EMCS with epidural with DD2, due to her heartreat dipping. She was very poorly afterwards too. Came close to losing her. Had an EMCS with DS, he was 10lbs 5 oz and got a lot bit stuck, had to have a general anaesthetic with him and I ended up in ITU.

I can honestly say, the way I gave birth to them did not affect how I bonded with them or felt about them one jot, and that really is the main thing.

I am so lucky to have healthy children and be here myselg to see them grow up.

Don't get too hung up on how they came out. In the end, it really doesn't matter.

slithytove sorry for your loss, wishing you all the best for DD2.

I don't think we are necessarily talking about drug free births, I was just using the reaction I experience to my preferences as an example of why I don't think that societal pressure for a woman to have a natural birth is actually a thing. What I do think is a thing is judging a woman about whatever choice she makes about childbirth.

I have all manner of reasons for the preferences I have but I would say overall at the most uncomplicated level I was just really curious to find out what it would be like to labour and push a baby out, I'd have been quite disappointed if I had been able to find out, I always feel surprised on these threads that this appears unusual.

Is this more about the regret the possibility of a second child being denied to you? Firstly through your DH's preferences and soon through age? And is the wish to know what it is like to have a 'natural' birth more to do with this wish for a reparative experience? Sounds like you went through hell to get your DC, so it wouldn't be at all surprising if you craved the 'normal' experience that 'everyone else' has.

I'm like you but from the other side. My natural birth was the worst catastrophe to befall me. I was so badly damaged that I can't risk another one. Almost 4 years and 5 operations later, I am still having therapy and medical treatment. I desperately regretted not being able to go for a DC2. And I used to long for the highly medically managed pregnancy and ELCS that I felt I should have had first time round. It was like if I hadbtgat, it would somehow undo some of the horror, as I would gave managed, this time, to get it right.

YANBU. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself the space to grieve - for everything you have been through. Have you thought of getting some counselling? You've been through so much and it could be helpful. Xx

I think it is a shame this thread has turned so much against natural birth - natural birth can be fantastic and beautiful, and has many physiological benefits to mum and baby. However it is all about risk, and sometimes it is much more beneficial to mum and baby to be born by c section. In my experience, doctors don't take the decision to section lightly, and it is always for good reason (in my trust anyway) - so anyone who has a section needs to take pride that they did the best thing for their baby, despite what they would have wanted for themselves. Isn't that what parenting is all about?

yanbu.

I had an epidural with Dd and didn't feel a thing when I pushed her out, and now I regret not knowing what it's like - I know it's completely irrational, but I feel kind of incomplete as a woman, missing out on an experience I always thought I would have.

(the epidural may also have played a factor in my very major tear which was agony for months, but that's another story)

one of the girls in my NCT group was 40+ and had to have a C-section and felt very sad about it, knowing she wouldn't get another chance at vaginal birth.

we should always count our blessings and all that, but I do understand how you feel.

I've experienced 'natural' labour but not experienced natural labour with a full term baby, or experienced the last trimester of pregnancy.
Or for that matter experienced a Caesarian, or having my baby with me straight away as a newborn, or having her home for the first part of her life. Everyone has different experiences but we've all had babies regardless of what happened in the pregnancy or day of birth, I don't think either of us have missed out on anything as we've experienced something different instead!

I recently had a baby via ELCS.

I had the choice to either have an ELCS or instead be induced with an epidural in place for the entirety of the labour.

I understand where you are coming from OP as I do feel slightly sad that I will never get to give birth naturally. Me and DH decided we would only have one child and I have come to terms with that, but I often do sit and wonder about what I've missed out on.

My two were emcs, I used to feel I'd have liked to experience natural cb, just to know what it felt like to have all that pain followed by such euphoric relief, lol, but I'm not bothered now, never crosses my mind anymore.

I'm 47 and mine were nearly 13 and 9 years ago.

I think perhaps what you are wistful about is that lovely natural birth where you genuinely feel empowered and it's an amazing experience, a kind of ideal (idealistic?) birth.

I think a lot of people feel sad they didn't have that type of birth, including those who have given birth vaginally. My first daughter was only what I can described as dragged out by forceps so there was no experience of giving birth vaginally, it was instrumental and brutal. I think people who are very drugged up or who have epidurals and still give birth vaginally also report the same experience- it wasn't them, it wasn't their body that did it. I can imagine that having a general really heightens this feeling- as you weren't even awake.

I did go on to have a more ideal birth so I have be honest and say that was a great experience precisely because it was healing for the first birth.

I would think it is normal to feel like this- I felt sad that I couldn't breastfeed for longer, I'm sure no-one would dismiss those feelings even though I was of course lucky to have bf even for a shorter time.

YANBU to feel how you feel but YABU too.

I had EMCS. I will have an ELCS for any future babies. I really don't give a flying fuck that I will never squeeze a baby out of my hoo-ha. It's just not that important to me.

Again, in my experience it's the general anaesthetic that's hard. I carried my boy for nine months but because of the crash CS under GA (failed epidural) it's like I wasn't there for his birth. I wasn't the first, or even third or fourth or fifth, person to hold him. I didn't clap eyes on him until he was several hours old. And yes, I am sad about that.

YANBU to be sad, losing the opportunity for anything is sad.
YAB a bit U because you did give birth, even if it wasn't vaginally, and it's not always a beautiful empowering experience!

I have 2 DSs and feel sad that DS2 is the last one I'm having. We only wanted 2, we can only really afford 2, I can only realistically manage 2 and I got away with so much during my pg with DS2 that I daren't even contemplate doing it again. Plus I'm 46, very nearly 47. I was 45 when I had DS2. And yet I still feel that sadness with every passing stage - putting away the baby clothes as DS2 grows out of them, deciding what to do with them (DS2 is 21mo now and I haven't got rid of anything bar a few newborn baby clothes to a friend). So I empathise with your sadness, because I won't be doing any of it again - and although part of me wouldn't want to, another part does sort of yearn to have another tiny baby.

I think people who are very drugged up or who have epidurals and still give birth vaginally also report the same experience- it wasn't them, it wasn't their body that did it

I had gas and air and no issues it was supposed to be a perfect birth.

My body still did it I didn't do anything. It was as much to do with me, as having a shit.

Can understand this. I have had 2 Emergency CS and even if I had another, it would be an elective. I was devastated after my second was born.

However I'm over it now; with the though that both me and my oldest son would have been dead now without it. The most important part is that we are all safe and well :-)

I wonder if you're feeling the sadness more due to the fact that you won't have another child?

What you've had to go through to have your son here is incredibly sad. I think that having him delivered under general anaesthetic must have been so difficult and yes, whilst it is wonderful to have him here, nobody should minimise your feelings. They are valid feelings.

It makes me very sad to read of so many ladies on here having suffered so much during childbirth. I was one of those very lucky women who had a 5 hour hypnobirth with DS1 and an 8 hour epidural birth with DS2 and by Christ I know how lucky I was. Disclaimer: I live abroad and gave birth here.

A lot of what I read on here, women left in agony for hours without pain relief, babies with decels who aren't delivered promptly, and labouring mothers who's stress and fear is minimised makes me so angry. I totally understand that even in mothers who are calm and are listened to, babies will need to be delivered by emergency, but I think being listened to and understood means mothers are left that much more empowered by the experience regardless of how their babies arrive. Mothers who are ignored, belittled and talked over before someone else makes a decision without their consent or understanding are those who are left traumatised.

I still can't believe that in the year 2014, women still have to beg for pain relief, it's fucking barbaric. I get that on the NHS, money is the big issue but the one thing I have found here (where I live) is that out of all my friends and acquaintances who have gone through pregnancy and childbirth (90% of us), all of us have had empowering experiences, despite the fact that some babies arrived via emcs, epidural, ventouse, with episiotomies, sneeze births etc. I think this had a lot to do with the fact that we were talked 'with' during our labours, not 'at' - it shouldn't be a naive view that women should feel in control during their labours but apparently it is.

Sorry, totally off topic I realise. OP, I hope you can work through your feelings.

I had a text book vaginal birth struggling with incontinence now. I woul happily give up that experience for a section and more wee incidents!

Meant "no" more wee incidents