To be sad that, in my lifetime, I will never experience natural childbirth?

[Greyhound]

I am about to turn 45. I am not going to have another baby. My beautiful "miracle" son (born after four miscarriages, three emergency surgeries including an emergency section under a general anaesthetic) is nearly 12 and I am thankful, every day, that he is here.

However, I watch programmes like OBEM and, horrific though some of the natural births seem in terms of pain and trauma, and it hits me - it will never happen and I will never know what it's like to push a baby out and give birth.

My dh didn't want a second child. It caused (and, sometimes, still does) resentment in me.

It's too late now and it has really hit me very hard that I have missed out on an experience I, naively, expected to have.

Why doesn't EMCS count as giving birth?

It does, but we are programmed to think that vaginal birth is the only way because it is called 'natural childbirth'

It is very hard to get of the mindset that you failed at giving birth if you didn't do so vaginally. It is of course, not true. But when you are in the fog of hormones, it becomes your reality.

And moretether post tells us that our experiences are horrible, invalidating!

So THAT is exactly why mothers who gave birth via section feel they have failed.

nomoretether you didn't have to use such a shitting opening statement, none of our experiences are horrible, or invalidating. We are supporting the op in the best way we know how, kindly fuck off with YOUR invalidating response to our experiences.

Good link though. Shitting post.

shitty, not shitting!

No, I didn't say your experiences were horrible. I was referring to the number of posts essentially telling OP to get a grip and that birth doesn't matter as long as the baby is healthy because it clearly does matter to her.

Then I think you needed to be a little clearer on that.

I apologise for being aggressive.

nomoretether that link is self-indulgent, unhelpful nonsense. I sincerely hope the OP does not read it.

That link validates how many women including myself and OP feel about not having the type of birth they wanted/planned.

Those feelings are unrelated to the love and gratitude we have for having been pregnant and becoming parents.

And believe me, method of delivery can be very important. With DD1, it's the only positive I have to cling on to. Had I had to have a section, I doubt I would feel that way.

Slithy I'm so sorry for your appalling loss

I could have written your post OP, I had an EMS with my (one and only) Dd. I can't watch OBEM as it makes me sad. I will never experience childbirth 'properly' now, that ship has sailed. However, giving birth is just a tiny part of being a mum. I have come to realise this over the past 6 years.

Thank you greyhound.

However, don't let other peoples arguably 'worse' experiences (and I am a big believer in not comparing grief, especially different types) make you feel as though you are wrong for feeling the way you do.

You have a right to grieve for something you wanted and never had. Regardless of what others feel about that particular experience.

By all accounts, I of all people shouldn't care how my baby is born as long as they arrive screaming and safe. But I do care. More in fact than before I lost DD. I've experienced a decent vaginal delivery and a decent c section, so I am luckier than most. But (selfishly?) other peoples negative experiences matter not a jot when it comes to trying to heal the problems in my head and heart caused by my past experience.

YANBU If it is how you feel it is how you feel. It is perfectly OK to grieve for something you thought you would have. For me personally it looks like I might never have a home birth. It is something I have for my whole life thought I would have. It is hard to come to terms with that.
Have you thought about speaking to someone about your birth experience and how you feel about not having a natural birth? I think it would be sad to address how you feel.

with regards to mothers who have CS sections finding it harder to bond

It was actually my anaesthetist who told he this when I had my pre-op consultation with him. I'm not too sure what his intentions were or his reason for saying it but I do remember thinking it was odd that of all the professional roles it was an anaesthetist who would say that.

Opps my post should read it I would think it would be sad not to address how you feel.

Op, I kind of agree that perhaps your sadness is more linked to not having another dc, rather than the birth... Don't watch obem! I certainly don't.

My only vaginal birth was to deliver my stillborn daughter. I had a cord prolapse and she died before they could do the section. At the start things were not looking great for us. I was offered a csection, I thought they were trying to rob me of a chance to have a vaginal birth. I thought they were trying to robme of the chance of delivering her to save me from the trauma of potentially delivering a very poorly baby. I just didnt fucking understand. It was an horrendous experience and something I will regret until I die.

My subsequent four children were born by section. I was briefly very gutted that I never had the chance to experience a natural birth with a healthy screaming baby at the end of it. A wriggly baby put onto my chest. My surviving dd1 was emcs due to fetal distress, dd2 planned because of placenta previa - so the rest were sections.

I have moved on from this, because I am a mum to four crazy children who I adore, who stress me out completely and keep me run of my feet! No one could deny that fact that I am a mum, I delivered these kids!

I couldn't watch obem because, sadly, it hurts me to watch the happiness of a healthy baby delivered. I'm not bitter, I don't wish others pain, it's just that it hurts, it relives my pain. I'm in a good place and need to protect myself.

imip

hugs imip.

Just wanted to add to my earlier post about an EMCS under GA(brow presentation and failed epidural) - the first time I saw my son, several hours after the delivery, he was fully dressed in babygro, hat, sleeping bag, the works. I really miss that first skin to skin. Luckily the hospital was very good at making sure DH got the chance instead of me.

I'm sorry for all of those on this thread that have had really heartbreaking experiences.

OP, I understand. I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant after several years of trying, an mc and 4 rounds of IVF. I was actually looking forward to birth as a sort of way to close the door on all the hurt of the past few years. Because the conception was so medicalised, I was looking forward to at least attempting a natural birth (knowing it doesn't always end that way). Unfortunately, the baby is not doing well and needs to come out soon. He/she is too small and weak to try for an induction, so it will be a planned section. Once out my baby will be taken away to NICU while I am in recovery paralysed from the waist down. It is breaking my heart to think of it. My mw is already helping me sort out counselling for afterwards, cos I know I am going to be a mess. I need to grieve for my lost third trimester, my chance to labour, my chance to have something natural in this process and the chance to have my long-awaited baby put on my chest after the birth, after waiting for so long.

A healthy baby and mother are incredibly important, but I think that often the psychological side is overlooked. It is important too.

I so agree that the psychological side is also important.

I was told by a midwife that I basically had no right to be upset because I had a healthy baby, and that's all that matters. Telling someone that they are wrong to be sad is not constructive, imho. The feelings are there, and getting told you shouldn't have them doesn't help to deal with them.

I don't think it is wrong to have those feelings per se. Women are inevitably quite focused on childbirth for a while before or after giving birth. I do think that it is weird to focus on it when your children are older though. The type of birth(s) you have had should not be a big issue when your children are over 12 (as in the OPs case).

YABU, the people entitled to feel sad are those who didn't get to have any children. Why anyone would feel sad about this is beyond me, why does it bother you so much?

I watch OBEM and feel nothing but relief that I won't have to go through what they call natural childbirth.

Elective section with my first
Currently pregnant and it'll be a repeat section- wouldn't consider anything else!

I can sort of see where you're coming from OP. I had a hideous EMCS experience first time and although I was awake I wasn't really at aware of what was going on - exhaustion, fear, oodles of diamorphine. I was utterly unmoved when my daughter was shown to me although I can remember feeling relief that she was alive, as I'd convinced myself she had died inside me.

I wasn't especially bothered that I'd had a section, but spent the first 18 months mourning that I hadn't loved her when she was born and really thought that having a perfect natural birth was the key to feeling this way. I had rampant PND for months afterwards. Then her brother was born under much more pleasant circumstances, an ELCS, and I felt the same nothing-ness when I first looked at him.

I used to mentally torture myself watching OBEM after DD was born, watching all these women giving birth and convincing myself that I was abnormal and alone for not loving my daughter when she was born. People used to say "you're both ok and that's all that matters" and inside I was wishing they'd just fuck off because that didn't make me feel better in the slightest.

YANBU to feel the way you do but YABU to think that having a natural delivery would somehow be any better or would make up for all the hurt you've been through. Natural isn't just about perfect births. Natural includes the death of mums and babies - it's not been so very long since this was a common occurrence.

Ps I did consider VBAC but couldn't cope with the uncertainty so went with the controlled option of an ELCS. I'm really glad I've never pushed to be honest. I'm not a sausage machine!

Theo, my daughter died.

Not going to argue which is worst as to not having children / your child dying. But am I entitled to grieve for my birth which I never had?