To be sad that, in my lifetime, I will never experience natural childbirth?

[Greyhound]

I am about to turn 45. I am not going to have another baby. My beautiful "miracle" son (born after four miscarriages, three emergency surgeries including an emergency section under a general anaesthetic) is nearly 12 and I am thankful, every day, that he is here.

However, I watch programmes like OBEM and, horrific though some of the natural births seem in terms of pain and trauma, and it hits me - it will never happen and I will never know what it's like to push a baby out and give birth.

My dh didn't want a second child. It caused (and, sometimes, still does) resentment in me.

It's too late now and it has really hit me very hard that I have missed out on an experience I, naively, expected to have.

My SIL is the only one I know who's managed an amazing natural water birth with rainbows, unicorns and whalesong and who took great delight in giving us all a blow by blow account over the dinner table. This was at a time when she knew all too well that I was umming and ahing over whether to go vbac or elcs (after traumatic labour and emcs the first time round) and quite frankly, terrified.

In the end I decided that as I couldn't have one like that and would need continued monitoring etc, I might as well go for an elcs.

No regrets and very much looking forward to cs#3 and final. My fanjo is in tact and I'm not pelvicly flawed and I managed to bond with and bf my babies successfully. As I say, I can grow then and feed them but am rubbish at birthing - two out of three ain't bad though.

I think you're dwelling in more than the birth method op - and it has a lot to do with the longing fire another child.

I agree with the others that it isn't all it's cracked up to be. I don't think YABU but neither do I think you missed out on anything.

People would have you believe that childbirth gives you this rush of over whelming emotions where you suddenly fall in love with your baby and it's all trumpets and angels singing.

I didn't experience that at all. I loved my baby from the moment I knew I was pregnant. I don't think I would have felt any differently no matter how he was delivered.

All childbirth felt like to me was the most unimaginably painful poo of my life. The last two things I said in the moments before he was born were 'I'm going to die' and 'Are you sure I'm not doing a poo!'. I was convinced it was a poo.

YANBU. I'd feel sad about it all too, in your situation.

I've never given birth vaginally.doesmt render me less. Of a mother
there is an unfortunate societal pressure to give birth doing tantric yoga sucking trebor mint
You can't change how you gave birth,those births resulted in live children

All childbirth felt like to me was the most unimaginably painful poo of my life
In a train station, inappropriately laughing.

It is extremely extremely extremely painful for most people to give birth vaginally - you seriously think you are going to die. Seriously, you've been lucky!

YANBU. Feeling sad for a missed or impossible experience doesn't mean you resent the one you've had, it is reasonable to be wistful about something you wanted but no longer have a chance for- as long as you're not letting it influence your relationship with your son which sounds like you aren't. I had two very intervention-heavy births, and know that even if I did get pregnant again I would probably have the same, but I do sometimes feel like 'oh wouldn't it be lovely to have a fancy hippy type birthing pool whale music all that shite pregnancy/birth', and of course it would, but then it would be nice to have been an international pop sensation/youngest ever winner of the Nobel prize etc which also I will never do- that's just what most of us live with, which is ok but we are allowed to feel sad about it on occasion.

I understand completely. DS1 was an ELCS 35 years ago (big breech baby, small Mum), and I felt cheated. Irrational, perhaps, but true nonetheless. I pressed the maternity service very hard for VBAC, and DS2 & 3 were delivered vaginally. Wish I didn't have my CS 'shelf', though .....

I've never done it but I have children who I love, they love me and they are happy and successful. Nobody knows how they were born, I'm their (only) parent and I am doing my best for them just like you are doing your best for yours. But yes, I did feel sad that I didn't have the birth I wanted - though now it doesn't matter.

"I think that's what (male) means? Maybe not..."

it's been a long day

YANBU to feel how you feel.

It is/was important to you.

Hope you feel a bit better soon..

I have two DC one born vag and one ELC they were both births and by far the best and most rewarding birth was the ELC.

I also came at the baby as a better mother from the ELC.

My VAG BIRTH BTW was text book, supposed to be perfect...no stiches...a few hours long. It was horrific and scary.

Did you know op, that the biggest pay outs in maternity services are those to babies damaged in labour.

I agree you should stop watching OBEM, birth is a lottery, it doesnt matter how much whale music you listen too, how many floors you scrub, how much you move about with your doula in tow.

its a lottery and it goes wrong all the time. All the time. People are left with damaged bladders, horrific injuries below, children damaged.

Even with no lasting physical problems people are left mentally traumatised.

You have every right to feel cheater but I would ask yourself why do you feel cheated...is it because the NCT spins this idea of a birth with candles and sex hormones making everything feel good? Its a wicked croc of shit.

Start to train your brain to stop negative birth thoughts, stop wathing OBEM and start to look on your elc as a wonderful way to have a baby.

YANBU. I felt like that after ds1 (emcs) But wierdly enough when it came to decide on how to deliver ds2 I opted for elcs . Now 30 weeks with dc3 and am incredibly grateful that I never need to face a vb.

It's fine to feel sad about it.

I feel a bit sad that I never had a proper wedding dress. I feel sad that I didn't finish my degree at university, and did an OU degree instead, so I never got the whole student experience. There's other stuff I feel sad about.

But I have done other good stuff, so I count my blessings.

(Sorry if that seems trite. I do know these things can get you down at times.)

there is an unfortunate societal pressure to give birth doing tantric yoga sucking trebor mint

YY!!!

A lady in our NCT group had an ELC first, and was really pumped about her second natural labour..her friend was MW strong in favour of NCT type views.

She would go on and on about how she didn't want monitors tying her down, she wanted to move she was soo confident and happy this time was going to be natural. Very cocky really about it all.

Cue baby got stuck, heart rate fell, damaged bladder, 8 day stay in hospital, catheter remained in....shock horror, cried about birth...traumatised, didn't realise it would be so hard...

Vb definitely overrated. I had a VBAC that ended in me pushing her out with cord wrapped around her neck so tight that she was born not breathing and had to go on a ventilator :(

The key point isn't the CS, it's the general anaesthetic. Yanbu OP, I feel cheated too.

I am not going to minimise the amazing experience of an easy natural birth.

But you know, as we all do, that getting that baby born safely is the big deal.

I am probably the only one out of my close friends that had that dreamed of empowering, easy birth experience.

But we were all ultimately thrilled with our labour stories which ranged from elective caesarians, epidurals, inductions, forceps, ventouse to sneeze births. The latter is what hardly anyone gets, imo.

I thought giving birth was the most amazing experience of my life. My 3 sisters all thought it the worst. But we all ended up with healthy babies.

I can see why you would be upset, I'm due any day and up until recently thought I may have to elect for a c-section which I felt really devastated by. I can't explain why, I just did.
Having said that, once I've had a (hopefully) vaginal birth I may entirely change my mind!

YANBU to wonder what a natural birth would have been like but you may have avoided a few horrors as others have said.

DS1 was a high forceps delivery (32 years ago) as his heartbeat was flagging. I had numerous cuts and stitches - too many to count - and my pelvic floor was damaged. Very painful experience.

DS2 didn't need forceps and I felt proud to manage the birth myself, but it was just as painful in its own way as he was a bigger baby.

Thirty years later I am nursing along two vaginal prolapses - doing exercises and using hormone pessaries. I know that prolapse surgery is probably on the cards at some point.

If I could have had a crystal ball and avoided long-term damage by having caesarians I would have jumped at the chance.

YANBU to still long for another child - but at least you have one.

slithy so sorry for your loss.

OP I know how you feel, a little at least. I had an EMCS then an ELCS, both for medical reasons, and I'm bloody grateful. But I do occasionally get a twinge of regret that I'll never know what pushing felt like. And that is mixed up with a little concern at what other 'earth mother' types might think of me having 2 CSs (I realise this is ludicrous). But then I remember 2 things:

1. Having contractions with DS1 felt like a hand made of knives was squeezing my lower abdomen. Not fun. If I think about it too hard I can still feel it - it is burned into my brain.
2. I am not a creationist. I do not believe that my body was 'designed' to give birth. I believe that we evolved - and that evolution doesn't give a shiny shit about my pelvic floor, or my survival. On a species level we need enough people to survive and populate, we don't need everyone to live forever. Childbirth is just one of nature's population controls, and I'm thankful that we evolved big enough brains to invent modern medicine!

I'm being a tad flippant, but really OP, you are absolutely entitled to feel sad but try not to give it too much headspace.

You can feel how you feel. But after three natural births, the third was as terrifying and painful as the last. Nothing magical or wonderful. Lots of pain and effort only made worth it by the gorgeous bundle at the end. Believe me you haven't missed much.

YANBU, you feel how you feel.

I've given birth naturally twice (the second being a kum by yah hwb) and I've never felt that rush of love. I've always been too concerned with my fanny hurting like hell. You don't forget it instantly IME (would you forget maiming yourself in a minute or two?!) And I've always said any subsequent kids would be born by CS as at a young age I have the bladder of a gnat and PND both times.

It's an empowering experience but I don't think it's the be all and end all.

I have a slightly similar feeling. It is more akin to a vague regret that my body never managed a "natural" childbirth - although I gave birth vaginally both times, they were both complicated, and medicalised.

It would be nice to have had the experience that some are lucky enough to get of a straightforward birth (and home birth even more so).

In the great scheme of things it makes no difference, just one of many things that it would have been nice if it had happened.

I've had 3 vaginal births. It took until the 3rd to get it 'right' and do it without drugs and be able to cope without launching me into PND.

It was the sought-after hypnobirthing, natural waterbirth that didn't even hurt much. In birthing terms it was lovely.

However, rating it in general life experience terms, it was bloody awful and I am fucking grateful I never have to do it again. And if there was any other way of giving birth without blood of any kind I'd take that, and give back my 'experience'.