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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am i being unreasonable to not be ok with my husband going to a strip club?

374 replies

cocktail82 · 03/07/2014 13:43

Next weekend my husband is going on a stag do, and one of the nights the activity is going to a strip club. I hate the idea of him going there and oogling all these half naked woman and putting his hand in his pocket and paying for a dance. It just feels like some sort of legalised cheating to me, but he said its just how stag dos are these days, and do I expect him to wait outside whilst the others go in?!

Of course I dont, but would like to think all of the married men on the stag do would have a bit more respect for their wives and say they will go somewhere else and meet them later or something, am I being unreasonable to be upset about this?

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 04/07/2014 18:26

Anson- it's not that. It's just a way that the defenders of the sex industry make it OK in their heads. They are doing it to pay for their PhD. Or because they love sex. Or because they earn lots and lots of money. It's all bullshit. They do it to pay for their drug habit, to pay their pimp, or because they are desperate for work and haven't got a visa. Belle de Jour has got a lot to answer for.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 04/07/2014 18:36

My friend didnt do it for any of those reasons at all. She done it as a single mother so she only had to work 1 night a week. Some might but many don't. I cant see the club she works at taking on drug addicts or with pimps. The club was well run with many rules in place. I would make £36 a night working in a takeaway and she would make £300 a night. She also has a partner as do many of. the girls who work there. Im sure there are some seedy clubs takkg advantage but this one wasnt. I think its insulting to say woman who work in strip clubs must be drug addicts or forced into it when many are not.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 04/07/2014 18:40

I thought the same until my friend started doing it and found out what was involved where she worked. Maybe it was better run or professional but i went out socially with some of the girls and my friend who i have known for years and they were just normal girls earning a living.

Rubadubstylee · 04/07/2014 18:43

ILoveCoreyHaim
Im sure there are some seedy clubs takkg advantage but this one wasnt.

No bought it was perpetuating the idea that women can be bought for male fantasies and must really help women who don't have other options. But hey, your friend got to make £300 so who gives a fuck eh?

Joysmum · 04/07/2014 18:44

Sexual titilation in our marriage is something we share together. Either of us going to strip clubs doesn't fit into that.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 04/07/2014 19:04

Yeah she can as its her choice. She's not forcing anyone into anything, she chooses to do it, has done it for 2 years and is not forced into it by anyone, its something she choose to do. She works hours which suit and from what she says this is the main reason she does it.

Im replying to the post saying they are all drug addicts or pimped. All i am saying is no some are not, some choose to do it and are not forced/pimped/doing it for drug money. Of course some woman are. There are also woman who go to the clubs as paying customers.

I would never do it and i wouldn't be happy for any of my DC to do it but i am not going to disown my friend for doing it either. She is an adult so can choose to work where she wants. I can only base my experience on what i have seen of the girls who work in one particular club.

ModernUrbanSnowman · 04/07/2014 19:34

Sorry, me again. I just reviewd from the beginn I ng. When I read the thread first time I must have missed the post where op said "I think what makes it worse is that I am not overly confident in my own figure, and hate the thought of him looking at all these slim girls and wanting that, maybe thats what is bothering me more?"

Op, I apologise for my rant. I completely misjudged your reasons.

Be confident in your own figure. You do not need to look the way the media says to be beautiful. You certainly are more beautiful and more desirable than you think. Your partner is with you because he wants to be with you.

How you look will change over the years for better or worse, who you are will make that not matter.

If your partner is a cause of your low judgement of yourself, then a frank assessment of the power dynamic in your relationship is called for and that goes way beyond what he does on a stag do.

My contested opinions are not relevant here.
Get assertive or get help to assert yourself. There are many commenters to this thread who'd be glad to help with that, I'd guess.

Not sure you're even still following this thread but if you are, sorry for any distress I may have caused you.

I still wish you luck and hope you and yr partner find a way to go forward in harmony but I'd like to add that it's more important to be in harmony with yourself.

Only my opinion. Yours is the important one

TooOldForGlitter · 04/07/2014 22:30

I see the MRA managed to derail the thread enough to completely divert from topic. Full marks to you MRA and a nice, titties draped across motorbikes calendar is in the post.

Chumhum · 04/07/2014 22:36

It's very simple for me, I could not feel love for a man who would think this was ok.

TooOldForGlitter · 04/07/2014 22:37

With you there chum

Hakluyt · 04/07/2014 22:39

TooOldForGlitter-

Bollocks is what I say. Bollocks.

Oh, and by the way, you're not. Because I'm not, and I bet I'm older than you.

TooOldForGlitter · 04/07/2014 22:40

I find it seriously depressing that there are so many women who dismiss/accept this. What happened to us as women that convinced us, any man is better than no man? Oh wait, the twisted patriarchal society we live in did that.

TooOldForGlitter · 04/07/2014 22:43

Grin at Hayklut, my daughter told me I was too old for glittery eyeshadow a few Christmas's ago! It stuck...

TooOldForGlitter · 04/07/2014 22:44

Sorry, hakluyt

PhaedraIsMyName · 05/07/2014 00:33

Aside from the many other reasons for finding strip clubs reprehensible am I the only one who is sceptical about the astonishing amounts of money it is apparently possible to earn?

I can't remember which journalist it was but there was a Guardian piece a while back in the weekend magazine on this. What the journalist found out was most of the girls were being a bit economical with the truth. Their income depended on tips and being paid for private dances and it's a bit humiliating to have to admit you're not being hired.

Oh and a bouquet to Chum for the most succinct post of the week
Flowers

It's very simple for me, I could not feel love for a man who would think this was ok.

Hakluyt · 05/07/2014 00:42

Absolutely, Phaedra- it's all Belle de Jour territory. Or, on a more basic level, Happy Hooker.

Some workers do earn lots of money. Briefly. Before they lose their looks, their freshness and are replaced by younger girls who push them down the hierarchy.........

AgathaF · 05/07/2014 09:30

Horrible to be forced to do the job of stripping because it is the only job where you only need to work 1 night a week, because that's all you can work because you have childcare to consider.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 05/07/2014 10:25

She doesn't have to do it. Not sure why your saying she does. She can work 16 hrs like me somewhere but chooses not to.

Believe me on one of the busy nights on a weekend she can make a lot of money. Again depends on the club, what percentage they take. You are self employed and pay a fee to the club to be there, once you have paid the fee it up to you how long you work. She said the club make a load of money of the inflated drinks prices and the entrance fee.

Again, it probably depends on the club

AgathaF · 05/07/2014 10:42

Sorry CoreyHaim, I misunderstood. You said "She done it as a single mother so she only had to work 1 night a week.", which I took to mean she didn't really have much choice.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 05/07/2014 11:06

Yeah sorry it is confusing. She can get childcare or the nursery paid for. Tbh i think she thinks its easy money which it is. I have seen what she comes in with and i do think ive just done a shift breaking my back in a takeaway and got £36 a shift as we both work weekends. Maybe she sees this as well, i dont think she would ever do what i do and ditto.

I think from what i have seen its the lure of quick money fast. The club shes in seems well run and safe.

Im just putting in my view point from what i have seen having a close friend who has done it for 2 years. Im not debating if its right or wrong i just disagree with a point made above re all woman being forced to do it having a friend who chooses to do it.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 05/07/2014 11:13

Just to add she also says its gave her confidence after a bad relationship, she also likes the social aspect of it and has made loads of friends. She has a partner who works, has plenty money and who is totally cool with it, she done the club before meeting him. Im just adding these points as it all adds to the debate about it imo

PhaedraIsMyName · 05/07/2014 11:45

This is going to sound judgemental but I don't care, but being paid to take your clothes off in front of a bunch of gawping, leery men doesn't sound very confidence boosting.

Hakluyt · 05/07/2014 12:04

Being judgemental is not always a bad thing.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 05/07/2014 12:28

I dont think the taking her clothes of is just what gives her confidence more the going out to work, doing a job she likes and earning money, being in control of her life. The ex had full control of all the money and wouldn't let her spend money on clothes or makeup because he didn't like her wearing makeup or looking nice probably because he knew she coyld do so much better than him, just she didnt. He fed her on takeaways and she gained a lot of weight telling her it was his money and he went out to work all day but she wasn't allowed to work so had no money, only what he gave her.

AnyFucker · 05/07/2014 12:36

Corey, I think your friends confidence would be more appropriately boosted by getting those same validations from working at a job that doesn't entail her providing sexual titillation for men just like her ex

Just my thoughts on that