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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit irritated by these church weddings for people who have never ever been in a church? And also the SCALE of these weddings!

129 replies

mrsjavierbardem · 03/07/2014 11:47

AIBU? Really?
I didn't get married in a church because I don't practice my religion any more and my husband isn't a believer.

I just couldn't even though I was brought up in a faith and know all about it and understand the good and bad of it and I feel I could easily have argued for a church wedding because of my history. Still, I would have felt hypocritical I think.

People say to me that these weddings are all about the photographs and the making it feel more special. Those are good reasons but still, I couldn't just do God one day of my life, I just would feel ridiculous.

Also I don't see why some of these couples don't have a more moderate day? I'm about to go to a wedding when I know the couple have barely a few beans to rub together and they are having a serious do. I guess her parents are footing a lot but also the couple must be borrowing too….
it's just such a big expense for all of us going too, the presents, the clothes, the travel, two nights accommodation. I mean it's people with few beans making a lot of people with varying amounts of beans spend hundreds of beans! Grin
I mean I am not crazy about the bride which doesn't help!
Dont' worry I am very nice to her but it all seems a great festival of fakery and vanity!

I mean I wish them well! And I'm glad to be asked! But it's just the splurging of money and the need to make everyone else splurge money that makes me uneasy. Of course one can just say No - but not easy at a family wedding!

OP posts:
SignYourName · 04/07/2014 03:10

I've just remembered the biggest bridezilla I ever encountered. I promise you I am not exaggerating. (This is random and waffly irrelevant shite but it's 3.00am and I'm unable to sleep, so indulge my insomniac ramblings.)

She was a former colleague from another part of the country. For her wedding cake topper she had made a bespoke design of her own devising. It was two birds in a Perspex box, one being the bird associated with the region her fiancé was from and the other representing her - a dove or somesuch IIRC. Fiancé bird was to have its wing protectively round bride bird.

The person or company making the topper duly produced it. She sent it back to be remade because she didn't like the expressions on the birds' faces.

Original poster
mrsjavierbardem · 04/07/2014 07:14

Weddings can make people go crazy.
A woman I know had a massive teary tantrum for hours in the bridal suite because she was so angry about where she had been seated at dinner. Her bro was the groom. She was in floods and took everyone's energy to calm her down.

This is an eg of someone forgetting the couple!
Grin

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 04/07/2014 07:25

I agree with you OP. I've been to large expensive weddings, mostly in churches and known sitting in the pew that the words they are saying (about God) have very little meaning for the people saying them. I find it all a bit depressing.

I don't believe and whilst DH would have had a church wedding, for the sake of how mum, I just couldn't do it. I'd feel such a hypocrite and I didn't want to feel that on my wedding day.

I've been to humanist weddings and thise in registry offices and to me they feel more heart felt.

CinderellaRockefeller · 04/07/2014 07:26

Be honest, she could be having a wedding in a field and you would still be moaning. Because you don't like HER and are trying to justify it to yourself by finding lots of reasons to be offended that make you seem a bit less mad.

Delphiniumsblue · 04/07/2014 07:31

I never understand why people get upset about other people's weddings. Each to their own.

Bunbaker · 04/07/2014 07:33

"But a lot less dishonest than what I've witnessed, behaviour wise from so called Godly people, who are life long Church attenders.
Or the Priests, Vicers, Nuns etc who were abusive at least."

I don't think it is fair to tar all Christians (we are talking about Christianity here?) with the same brush. They abused their positions, but a lot of atheists do so as well.

I love the expression of some weddings being a festival of fakery and vanity.

ApocalypseThen · 04/07/2014 07:44

I feel sorry for brides. They're under lots of pressure to get it right but no matter what they do/don't do, there's always someone picking holes.

SignYourName · 04/07/2014 08:03

I'd disagree, Apocalypse. I think a lot of that so-called pressure is pressure they put themselves under, no one else (in many cases, not all). I've never heard anyone say afterwards "tut, the ribbons on the favours weren't the exact same Pantone shade as the bridesmaids' dresses" or "huh, only an ordinary wedding cake not some five-tier creative extravaganza, I feel short-changed" but I have known brides who seem to get stressed out over the perfection of their bunting (or their cake topper!) or the fact one of their bridesmaids has put weight on and might "spoil the photos"; who insist that all the females in the wedding party use the same make-up artist and the same palette regardless of whether it suits them or not...all because of some picture in their head of "their perfect wedding" where the effort seems to be going into the trimmings and tiny details for one head rather than the marriage ahead.

Most people in the real world want to enjoy the weddings of their loved ones, they want to share laughter and good food and drink and have decent music to dance to in the evening. They have goodwill towards the couple getting married and aren't going to pick holes if X doesn't match Y or the budget was less than £££££. But I think some brides lose sight of that and feel they have to put on a celeb-magazine-style hoopla, or get so sucked in by the "it's your special day" bollocks that they want to indulge their every last whim, regardless of cost or inconvenience to others. But the guests probably wouldn't care if the wedding cost half as much and looked half as flash, so long as the couple who are getti hitched are happy.

SignYourName · 04/07/2014 08:07

For one day

ApocalypseThen · 04/07/2014 08:12

Well I haven't been to any of those weddings. I hear about these brides, but I've never met one in real life.

ExcuseTypos · 04/07/2014 08:18

You've obviously not watched "Don't tell the Bride". There's some crackers on that programme.

Sicaq · 04/07/2014 08:46

I never understand why people get upset about other people's weddings. Each to their own.

Quite ... as long as you don't expect me to give up my holiday and spend a fortune attending your fancy dress party.

hackmum · 04/07/2014 08:50

Haven't been to a wedding for years. I'd quite like to be invited to one of whatever kind. The church thing is a bit odd if you're a non-believer - why start the biggest commitment of your entire life with a lie? But each to their own.

whattheseithakasmean · 04/07/2014 08:59

YABU - if you are an atheist, a church is nothing more than a pretty building, so why shouldn't you use it for your wedding.

I do agree that the current trend for mega weddings is OTT, but personally as a guest I would enjoy the extravagance, it is up to the B&G how they wish to waste their money.

RuddyDuck · 04/07/2014 09:12

When dh and I got married, he was an atheist and I was an agnostic. Getting married in a church was never under consideration, as we both felt that it would have been hypocritical. Also, we didn't want our wedding service to include us telling lies, which is what we would have had to do.

A few years on, I became a Christian and now attend Church regularly ( not C of E ). I do struggle with people getting married in Church when they clearly have no faith, but try not to judge. It doesn't tend to happen in the Church I attend as people who aren't churchgoers but want a Church wedding tend to head for the C of E instead.

I think the issue is clouded by the fact that the CofE is tied to the state. A disestablished Church might change things.

annielouise · 04/07/2014 09:39

I love the phrase a festival of fakery and vanity. It's often spot on but not always. Totally agree with whoever had that deep connection to their village church and felt they should marry there as it had been the background to them growing up.

NanFlanders · 04/07/2014 09:54

From the other side of the fence - I am on the Council of a beautiful church, which is losing thousands of pounds a year, and may have to close if we don't do something about that. Weddings are a very important stream of income for us, and we are very pleased to welcome non-attenders/non-believers! Monetary considerations aside, I can't see anything wrong with wanting to celebrate your love in a beautiful venue, and our minister works with the couple to ensure that the vows are appropriate for them. (We are also one of the few churches which celebrates same-sex weddings and I think it's important that we demonstrate OUR beliefs by carrying these out -regardless of the beliefs of the brides/grooms). A very positive effect of this has been some couples who haven't been near a church for years have become regular worshippers after their weddings or the naming ceremonies of their children.

Also, my dh and I did have quite a big do - band, karaoke etc., because we were only planning on doing it once and wanted to bring all our friends and family together and have a party to remember. And we didn't mind spending the next 18 months paying it off. No disrespect to anyone who does it differently, and I've been to great weddings in a youth hostel, by a tree and in someone's front room - but I really think it's up to the couples concerned.

squoosh · 04/07/2014 10:25

'You've obviously not watched "Don't tell the Bride". There's some crackers on that programme.'

Hmmm, I've seen that programme. You do know it's the grooms that organise the weddings don't you? And the men who seem to have the 'bridezilla' tendencies for over the top craziness.

And also, it's TV so everything is amped to the max.

squoosh · 04/07/2014 10:26

I have never met or encountered a bridezilla in real life either. But apparently they're everywhere and their poor little grooms are too weak and scared to voice their own opinions.

ApocalypseThen · 04/07/2014 10:35

Well, you know, women are silly, lazy, vain and obsessed with status/spending other people's money (they don't work or have savings).

It's just nature. Women have to be reined in by the firm hand of sensible people.

Bambambini · 04/07/2014 10:50

Husband and I got married in a Catholic Church and neither of us practice. I'm an atheist too (possibly husband as well). It was actually the best bit of the day and very touching. It's a beautiful church and only a two minute walk to the reception venue. Result!

Theodorous · 04/07/2014 12:41

I had people who didn't wish me well at my wedding (in laws) and it was awful, they destroyed the day and it makes me cry everytime I remember their nasty faces. If you don't like the bride, if you don't wish her well, please don't go. Unless she is stupid she will know you don't wish her well. It's their day not yours.

Original poster
mrsjavierbardem · 04/07/2014 13:33

I am going to this wedding because I love the groom. To be told not to go because of not being besotted with the bride would be mad. It's not just HER DAY! I know for a fact that it can only happen because loads of us will spend a lot to make it special for her. It's the groom's day too and I love him, I will be lovely and supportive to her of course, She is not a bad person, she has just, in my opinion, fallen for peer/consumer whatever pressure to have a big do unrelated to what she or others might be able to afford.
The church thing is FINE!! I only said I find it a bit irritating having grown up in a church but not feeling I could fake it for one day and seeing so many people comfortable with faking it - I'm just being honest. Mumsnet is a great place to learn humility, you have all made me think I should be a bit kinder to her.
BUT the effect of her bride ambitions does have an impact on the close family, the expense is pretty great over three days.

On the day I promise to wish her well. I was just hoping to come here and be honest, I don't mean to offend but I wish someone would come on here and say I was a bit of a selfish bride and on reflection I wish I'd thought of others more….. There must be someone out there who thinks that! Because I know so many people who find the whole massive wedding thing to be just a bit ridiculous. If it didn't have such a big impact on other people, like an egregious honeymoon, then fine! But a wedding is unavoidable to the immediate family and there is such a focus on 'what she wants', honestly though, what is that princessy 'special day' thing about?
I think we caught it from America.
REHEARSAL DINNERS…..
fine if you have the money but often you're spending someone else's and they may not be happy about it.

The church thing really is fine, that was just an observation….

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 04/07/2014 13:36

I had a rehearsal dinner. I paid for it. It was the first time my parents met my in laws, and we fed those who came to the rehearsal. Call me bridezilla. It all had to be my way, silly, vain, americanised flibbertigibbet that I am.

VSeth · 04/07/2014 13:42

As a God bothering church going believer I seriously have no issue if non believers want to get married in Church.

The church isn't owned by the congregation and I really think that if a couple wants to use the church for their ceremony then great.

I love a wedding, have been to many, Church, civil ceremony and a gay wedding. Loved them all. My own wedding really was the best day of my life (along with the day I had my baby).