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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit irritated by these church weddings for people who have never ever been in a church? And also the SCALE of these weddings!

129 replies

mrsjavierbardem · 03/07/2014 11:47

AIBU? Really?
I didn't get married in a church because I don't practice my religion any more and my husband isn't a believer.

I just couldn't even though I was brought up in a faith and know all about it and understand the good and bad of it and I feel I could easily have argued for a church wedding because of my history. Still, I would have felt hypocritical I think.

People say to me that these weddings are all about the photographs and the making it feel more special. Those are good reasons but still, I couldn't just do God one day of my life, I just would feel ridiculous.

Also I don't see why some of these couples don't have a more moderate day? I'm about to go to a wedding when I know the couple have barely a few beans to rub together and they are having a serious do. I guess her parents are footing a lot but also the couple must be borrowing too….
it's just such a big expense for all of us going too, the presents, the clothes, the travel, two nights accommodation. I mean it's people with few beans making a lot of people with varying amounts of beans spend hundreds of beans!
I mean I am not crazy about the bride which doesn't help!
Dont' worry I am very nice to her but it all seems a great festival of fakery and vanity!

I mean I wish them well! And I'm glad to be asked! But it's just the splurging of money and the need to make everyone else splurge money that makes me uneasy. Of course one can just say No - but not easy at a family wedding!

OP posts:

IdaClair · 03/07/2014 12:29

Many ceremonies are about fakery and vanity.

The building of many church buildings is historically about showing off, oneupmanship, and yes, vanity.

Yabu to be surprised that this continues.

Dukketeater · 03/07/2014 12:31

If it's my wedding - please don't come!

If you aren't keen on me then don't make me spend money on you... And i'd probably rather you not there...

NinjaLeprechaun · 03/07/2014 12:31

I don't understand why atheists even care what people do with, or in, a church. Discounting abuse of others, of course. You can't think they're being disrespectful to God, and if those running the church don't mind then why should you?
I'm Pagan but will happily go to a church wedding if I'm invited. Whether I believe the couple are religious or not. Especially if there's free food I'm close to the person getting married. There's no requirement to go along with the prayers, or anything like that, after all.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 03/07/2014 12:33

A friend who attends a local church has said to me 'people go to church for lots of reasons; to get married there, to get their kids into the school. If they are taking part and not openly mocking the church or us, who am I to decide who can attend? Who am I to define someone else's relationship with the church or god?'

That sums it up nicely for me. So YABU about the church bit. Weddings people can't afford - different stroke and all that.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/07/2014 12:33

Mmm.

I take the point that it's irritating when people are disrespectful - not that everyone who doesn't have faith and marries in church is being disrespectful, but some are, I feel. And I take the point that big expensive weddings can be a bit crass.

But, I think honestly the judginess has gone far too far. So many people are accused of being 'bridezillas' when they're really not.

And I admit, when I got married which is four years ago, I had a hassle with my DH's priest who failed to sort out his church for us so that he told us a week in advance that there was no-where for us to get married. His church, for the record, was a godawful prefab structure slap bang in the middle of a deeply ugly suburban street. And because I was even then a total MN sucker, I had a thread on here and I got a right dressing-down from someone who insisted on believing, against all evidence, that I was a disrespecful arsehole who was patently only getting married in church for the pretty building.

I did kinda demonstrate to me just how much people enjoy playing to the stereotype and yelling about disrespectful bridezillas.

hotfuzzra · 03/07/2014 12:34

Yes I suppose, I am guilt of giving and receiving 'Christmas' presents, but I don't turn up at Midnight Mass getting my hymn on, I just imagine that Christmas is a midwinter festival that helps family be closer. I don't 'celebrate' Easter, I just eat chocolate! I don't believe in God so I don't spend time during these festivals thinking about the religious meaning of them, rather I am grateful for what I've got and value the time we have to share with friends and family.
I suppose I'm quite pagan in outlook, and view Christmas as being originally a midwinter celebration whose timing was borrowed by the Church.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/07/2014 12:35

(Yes, I probably shouldn't call a church 'godawful'. I know.)

lacktoastandtolerance · 03/07/2014 12:36

We got married in a church (12 years ago if that's relevant to anything). Neither of us are religious, but a reasonable amount of family are and it meant something to them.

It was also a beautiful church in the place I grew-up and lived, so even though I wasn't religious it did mean something. Church is still a part of many communities, even just from an architectural and historical point of view rather than a spiritual one.

People might feel more of a 'connection' (although to what, I'm not entirely sure) by marrying in their local church: I know I did. There was enough religious background in my extended family to make it mean something. My parents never took me to church except for the occasional Christmas service.

Whether I would now, I'm not sure. It helped the church, it did contribute to a special day, and I didn't feel particularly hypocritical.

One friend attended the wedding but stayed outside the church for the service because he's very anti-religion. We had absolutely no problem with that at all, and he had no problem with us marrying in the church. He watched us go in, watched us come out and joined the party afterwards in a local pub.

daphnehoneybutt · 03/07/2014 12:37

yabu - unless the couple are a paid up satan worshipper and being openly hypocritical who are you to judge their beliefs?

Religion is a personal thing. I hate people who think being religious means going to a sodding place of worship every week. That is not the only way to be a Christian / Muslim / Jew / disciple of the flying Spaghetti Monster.

Daisymasie · 03/07/2014 12:37

I agree re the escalating cost of weddings for both B&G and the guests. A lot of weddings seem to be three day circuses now involving overnight stays, train/plane tickets, several different outfits, overnight babysitters etc etc. Personally I prefer small, simple weddings and don't even enjoy these huge big events and know, from talking to people, that an awful lot of guests feel the same. It seems a pity when I know some brides spend a full year or more planning the big day and the whole thing costs an absolute fortune.

Daisymasie · 03/07/2014 12:38

But that's the point daphne. If you don't want to go to a place of worship, why choose it to get married in and, certainly in the case of Catholics, make promises you don't intend to keep.

angelos02 · 03/07/2014 12:41

Daisy I agree re travel for weddings.

Unless the bride or groom are from another country, I think it is unfair to get married abroad. The majority of people can only afford to go abroad once a year so to have someone else dicate where you are going to go is a bit off.

FryOneFatManic · 03/07/2014 12:44

Based on the marriages and weddings of people I know, I feel the flashier and bigger the wedding, the shorter the marriage.

Possibly because some people get so hung up on the perfect wedding, they lose sight of what the actual marriage is all about.

RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 12:46

chucrhes and congreations are dying off, they are very happy to have a use for the church and get a bit of cash its also a lolvey venue

daphnehoneybutt · 03/07/2014 12:51

Daisy Plenty of people believe in the basic tenets of a religion and would class themselves as a member but don't have the time or inclination to turn up each week.

Actually attending church each week is very rare. My friends of other religions only tend to go to Schul / temple for the big events.

People have jobs/ kids / lives

squoosh · 03/07/2014 12:58

I personally wouldn't get married in a church but can't find it in me to judge those who do. Many people identify, however tentatively, as culturally Christian. If they want to get married in a church I don't see the big deal.

The church is a big strong beast, it can handle it.

Original poster

mrsjavierbardem · 03/07/2014 12:58

The church thing is curious to me but understandable but the making people spend a load of money is genuinely a moral question. There are some weddings we have to go to if we want to stay within our family group. And for a fairly penniless ( or a wealthy one for that matter) bride to engineer a lot of other people to spend a lot of money they may or may not have for her special day is, arguably, unethical. It is effectively a kind of extortion, and spending money on a vain/silly woman 's self indulgence is not a pleasant thing.

OP posts:

tilliebob · 03/07/2014 13:01

I got married in the local Kirk as my parents, grandparents and gt grandparents did. I am also a member of the CoS and believe. It meant a lot to me and all my family.

If I didn't believe, I wouldn't have done it. I can't imagine why as a non believer you would want to. Each to their own...it all boosts the Kirk funds!

Original poster

mrsjavierbardem · 03/07/2014 13:03

I wish people would stop saying it's 'her' special day as if we live in some kind of wish fulfilment Disney film. It should be their special day.
IME the grooms are often appalled at the excess but have little choice as if the bride has caught some brain numbing virus. Bridezilla is funny because of the truth in it.

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 03/07/2014 13:05

Why are you so worked up about what other people do.

squoosh · 03/07/2014 13:05

'IME the grooms are often appalled at the excess but have little choice as if the bride has caught some brain numbing virus.'

Boo hoo for the poor grooms, to frightened to speak up against their greedy brides to be.

Give me a break!

daphnehoneybutt · 03/07/2014 13:06

I have to say I think making promises to bring up your children in a faith, that you are not going to keep, in front of your family and God (if you believe or not) is very bad form.

But plenty of people promise to remain faithful etc. and that goes out the window too.

squoosh · 03/07/2014 13:06

SO sexist.

Treats · 03/07/2014 13:07

Some brides to be can't do right for doing wrong......

My BIL and SIL2B are having a lovely civil wedding with lots of personal touches all of their own devising, and it's going to be wonderful day. They're not getting married in church because neither of them are particularly religious.

My MIL is throwing a hissy fit because if it's not in church it's not 'proper'.

spending money on a vain/silly woman's self indulgence is not a pleasant thing. - wow, bet the poor woman can't wait to be related to you.

NinjaLeprechaun · 03/07/2014 13:19

Bridezilla is funny because of the truth in it.
Except that it's not funny. It's sexist and it's offensive.

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