Law firm "don't talk about your kids"

[Handsfullandlovingit]

In a meeting, talking about getting rid of old (non confidential) papers I suggested it would make good drawing paper for kids.

My boss came in after and said "may I give you some advice? You shouldn't talk about your kids in meetings, you want to be seen as a lawyer not a mother." I said "god how depressing but thank you" and buried myself in a document trying not to cry.

I feel rather privileged to live in an era when I can do both without discrimination or judgement. Or having to deny a whole part of my life just to fit in. I want to be a mum and a lawyer and not pretend my kids don't exist.

Am I being unreasonably idealistic? Today I heard others discussing Wimbledon centre court tickets, shows in the West End, stuff I used to do before kids. I'm really cross, but is this just the real world?

I hate this "professional" crap. Why should loving your children and therefore wanting to mention them occasionally be unprofessional? Surely it makes sense that they are a bigger thing in your life than tennis would be to someone.

Ask him whether he would say that to a man who happens to be a lawyer and a father.

He's an arse.
I'd festoon my desk with pictures of the kids and wear a t shirt tomorrow with their picture on it.
Nobber.

should have told him that you're a human being and will behave like one.......

Boss is a woman, 2 kids, part time dream job. Really nice, just from a past era I reckon. Thank you both.

It is very sad that you can not be seen as a lawyer and as a mother. I am so sorry that happened to you.

Well she sounds a delight! (Your boss, not you) if I were you I would start talking non stop about your dog/cat/houseplants. She may rue the day she told you not to talk about the kids.

Interesting that most have assumed the boss is a man....
I imagine this wouldn't have been said to a man because a man probably wouldn't have made the comment about drawing paper.

While she may be old fashioned, she may also have witnessed discrimination or bias against mothers. I agree it's not right, but I song think she's an ogre for saying it.

I think perhaps it's the 'in meetings' bit that might have more weight. Meetings are to discuss a topic in hand so we can all get out and do our jobs. Starting a new topic like family life can distract the meeting and god knows I've been in some that really need wrapping up. Perhaps he's tactfully suggesting you focus in on the job and keep family for outside of work?

She gave you good advice.

I don't think she's an ogre...

I'm a lawyer. All of the mums and dads in my office have pictures of their kids round their desks, drawings pinned up etc. Twenty (mumble) years ago when I was a trainee, the lawyers (male and female) who had kids talked about them. When you're spending that many hours a day at work, it would be pretty weird not to know about your colleagues' families.

i would just avoid talking about them around your boss..... think of it as her issue rather than anything wider.

What retrograde crap. The majority of people have children, and lawyers aren't exempt. In any meeting probably the majority of lawyers present will be parents, so why pretend otherwise, assuming people aren't actually interrupting the signing of the minutes to discuss play doh and potty training?

What she's saying is sexist crap, and I agree with whoever said they doubted she would say the same thing to a male lawyer with children.

I think all you can do is take on board the advice you have been given. Bide your time; when you are the boss you will get to influence the workplace culture.

Hang on though the discussion was what to do with old paper! It wasn't as if the OP randomly starting talking about potty training in the middle of a meeting about KPIs!!!

I think she might be doing you a favour, it sounded like a "been there, done that" piece of advice.

Agreed. She gave you good advice.

She didn't tell you to deny them. Just that your contribution wasn't helpful.

Plenty of people in my office have kids. We don't often talk about them. We might if they've done something cool or its a special occasion, but not about drawing paper...

Has she got children?

Sorry.mepic failire to read very short thread!,

Depressing.

I'm a lawyer too. You certainly can have both and be professionally respected. We all speak about our children with each other and long-standing clients and have pics up etc. I'd be not walking but RUNNING to HR to make a formal complaint. That advice might have been "friendly" but is also arguably unlawful. I take it that she doesn't specialise in employment or equality law...

Thank you all. She clocked my reaction and said she'd had clients dump her when she told them she was part time.

I agree about it maybe being a meeting only thing, I shall treat it as such and concentrate on the job in hand (playing poke the baby bump under the table for entertainment- god lawyers are dull)

But I shall not go all Victorian housemaid in trouble and act as if my kids are not a huge part of my life. Yes, more baby photos, terrible drawings by 3 year olds plastered all over my office is a good idea. I took the biggest most painful paycut ever to go part time. And I do hours unpaid overtime. Remind me why we do this?

Spot on desertgirl and my office, also lawyers, is similar. Fewer pictures of children because we are open plan and it is only the early birds who can be sure of the same seat every day, but we gossip about children and grandchildren and produce the photos on our phones and in our bags and wallets - the men as much as the women.

OP's boss is an arse.

I'm a lawyer and manage a team of people, with children and other caring responsibilities. We talk about our families everyday and we won a national award for legal excellence last week. Having a life outside work and being on top of your game as a lawyer are not mutually exclusive. Actually, I think it's because of that recognition at work that your outside life matters that my team work so hard and work so well together. Your boss is a relic of the past and shouldn't be perpetuating a way of thinking which has no place in the modern work environment.

Chin up. There's a better job out there where you don't have to pretend to be an automaton

Has she got children? said NewtRipley

Read the Ops second post !