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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend should offer to help?!

237 replies

YouSayBelloISayPoppaye · 30/06/2014 22:06

I have a friend of 10+ years we both have young DC's of the same age for at least 5+ years I've been doing dinner for us both by kind of being nominated by here I.e she'll say do you want to do dinner, well discuss then she'll expect me to take it out of my freezer, prepare it, cook it, wash it all up etc.

It's kind of getting to the point where I'm wondering why she never once offers when I do my food shop we go together and she comes round about 3 times a week at the minimum where I will then do her DC dinner as well as mine using double the amount of food I normally would and then do her dinner along with mine so once again using double the amount of food, I'll also end up bathing her DC here too and putting him to sleep till she goes home.

AIBU to start to get a tad annoyed that I'm essentially doing my food shop for a family of 4 when there is only two, I have to pick up her dc's towel because she'll leave it on the floor, cook the dc's dinner with no help, wash it all up then do the same for her. She never offers to wash up but says she can't cook so won't do dinner at hers and doesn't have sky so we have at least 2 nights a week where we watch the same programme so she has to come round or not see it.

AIBU? I most probably am I'm in a pants mood Hmm

OP posts:
DoJo · 01/07/2014 15:11

OP - would you want your children to have friends like this? Who take and take and make them feel guilty for asking to pay their fair share or contribute towards the things they do together? Because your children will learn how to conduct their friendships from you, and if they see you being walked all over, then they may not realise that this isn't how most friendships work.

PeachyParisian · 01/07/2014 15:37

Your 'friend' sounds like a complete piss taking cow.

If the worst case scenario for you is that she won't come around to yours for dinner at your expense- how is that a bad thing?
If she refused to meet up at the park etc so your DCs can play, then the only thing she really wanted from the friendship was free food and TV without a subscription.

It's an awfully high price to pay for a shopping companion OP! There are so many ways to meet new friends that aren't necessarily in a group setting either.
It's not the best example for your DC to see their mother treated like this either btw

ILoveCoreyHaim · 01/07/2014 16:07

What a user. Get rid of her. Mark my words her kid wont starve, she will move knto the next mug. Dont let your own kid go without while she save on food and electric

eddielizzard · 01/07/2014 16:28

please read what catsmother has to say. she really has it spot on.

Original poster
YouSayBelloISayPoppaye · 02/07/2014 11:49

I've already said I've read what cats mother has posted.

I've still not heard from her although I haven't messaged her myself.

Have decided if I hear from here I'm going to have to say I don't want to keep buying, cooking, washing up for everyone whilst they just watch my tv. I know she doesn't like my DP but I don't want her slagging him off around me I don't do it about hers unless she wants me to start. I still want the dc's to play and us to do stuff together but it's not fair that I do everything

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 02/07/2014 12:20

Good plan.

Be prepared for her to react badly though, and if she does, just quietly stick to your guns.

DrFunkesFamilyBandSolution · 02/07/2014 12:24

Well done you (not meant sarcastically!)!

How have you felt the last few days?

Original poster
YouSayBelloISayPoppaye · 02/07/2014 13:17

I expect her to get annoyed with me have a bit of the silent treatment ect but it could save me going shopping once a week as I could have enough for two weeks worth.

Well yesterday I had a poorly DS but he's back to his usual self today thank god.

I actually took him to a toddler group today and after having a mini meltdown about a biscuit he enjoyed it I think so, It wasn't that bad I mostly kept to myself though so not to bad I cleaned out a cupboard and will try and do the second cupboard later today though

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2014 13:21

Good on you, have to,be assertive and take no rubbish from her. Somehow I don't think she is interested in being friends with you, just what you can do for her. Once you start being assertive, feel,you will see less of her, but your dcs will meet others, you might start talking to some parents at the school gate when you take your ds to school. She is lazy,rude, entitled I hope you are gradually seeing her fir what she is! As I said even strangers on Mumsnet care more for you, than her. Says something doesent it!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2014 13:24

Don't go shopping with her, you don't have to. Go online or when she's at work! At least you know what she might do and are preparing yourself. Her reaction will speak volumes, good friends do not act like this! Yes once you start going to groups they are not so bad, eventually after a few sessions you might find yourself talking to someone.

Icimoi · 02/07/2014 13:29

But why did you keep to yourself at the toddler group? Try talking to the other mums, you could find some good friends there.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2014 13:30

Icimoi not every body is outgoing and naturally chatty, some people mabey like op are painfully shy. Mabey after visiting a few times she will talk to somebody.

GarlicJulyKit · 02/07/2014 13:31

Bello, I love today's updates :) :) Good on you!

Just quietly stick to your guns. - Great advice. Boundaries, we love 'em! You're quietly making more space in your life for other things, too, and this is really wise. It's a good way to expand your horizons and become less dependent.

If there's still a library in your area, they often have things for kids going on during the summer.

Glad DC's feeling better.

diddl · 02/07/2014 13:37

Yes it can take a few times somewhere new just saying "hello" first of all.

Sometimes achieving a goal that you've set yourself can be a great boost as well.

Today I actually got up & got on so that I wasn't rushing to get back & get lunch prepared & I feel great about it!BlushGrin

Original poster
YouSayBelloISayPoppaye · 02/07/2014 14:32

Well DS has resumed the vomiting ConfusedSad but started on the other cupboard!!

I keep myself to myself and awful lot so not going to go in and be like "HeyyGrinGrin" I was also the youngest one there so was a tad scary I spoke to some dads though Smile

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2014 14:35

Oh no yousay that's awful poor thing. Plenty of fluids and rest and see how it goes. If not Visit the GP. Mabey this time whilst ds is I'll has given you time to think about it and to come up with a battle plan.

Bouttimeforwine · 02/07/2014 14:37

Well done. You have a new mindset now and that's half the battle. Keep firm and remember the whole of mumsnet is behind you.

Just one word of caution though. Don't be seen as the mum who only talks to the dads as that could put the women off you. Just start off with friendly hello's to lots of people.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2014 14:37

It's fantastic you went to a group though, go there again when ds is better. You approach people if you feel your able to. In time your confuse dc will return. I feel this 'friend' gas gradually chipped at your confidence and self esteem.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2014 14:38

Confidence I meant

DrFunkesFamilyBandSolution · 02/07/2014 15:29

Sorry he's not well.
I hate groups, I have a 2 yr old& an 11m old, I've found two (out of the, double figures, I've tried) that are ok but aside from a meet in a park arranged over fb still not a very social mum!

Have you had a trawl on Facebook, meet up and other pages (netmums have a good local page in a few areas I know), there's always something here and even if I don't end up goig, just joining the groups and putting my self 'outthere' had led to a few (almost) friendships (not call in the night close, but a few texts/meets)?

If your ds qualifies for free preschool, are you sending him/thinking of sending him?

Original poster
YouSayBelloISayPoppaye · 02/07/2014 16:42

Yeah he's starting next term which will be nice for him.

Am going to go to the same gym and activity next week so it gets me out the house at least two days a week anyway.

Finished the other cupboard and donating some old toys he no longer plays with to the same group got money sorted for them so we can defiantly go as well and starting to sort the kitchen and front room as have people round in the AM to maybe swap house so fingers cross as would be nice to move

OP posts:
GarlicJulyKit · 02/07/2014 17:33

Oooh, when you get going you go Grin Wishing you the best for tomorrow.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2014 18:00

You sound really positive already, see you can do it! The more you break free from her the better you will be.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2014 18:05

Good friends would be mortified at what your 'friend' is doing! They would never even contemplate you and your chikdren going short of food for them. This user doesent care less, she is quite happy to bleed you dry and not iffer a penny. And use your water, electricity and TV too, Gish your going to be wealthy from now on. Here's to new beginnings Wine

TheRealAmandaClarke · 02/07/2014 18:09

Sorry your DS is poorly.
Good on you for addressing your friend and for going to the group

Fwiw, I often struggle at groups. And I usually feel very self conscious because I'm the eldest one there. Grin