To think friend should offer to help?!

[YouSayBelloISayPoppaye]

I have a friend of 10+ years we both have young DC's of the same age for at least 5+ years I've been doing dinner for us both by kind of being nominated by here I.e she'll say do you want to do dinner, well discuss then she'll expect me to take it out of my freezer, prepare it, cook it, wash it all up etc.

It's kind of getting to the point where I'm wondering why she never once offers when I do my food shop we go together and she comes round about 3 times a week at the minimum where I will then do her DC dinner as well as mine using double the amount of food I normally would and then do her dinner along with mine so once again using double the amount of food, I'll also end up bathing her DC here too and putting him to sleep till she goes home.

AIBU to start to get a tad annoyed that I'm essentially doing my food shop for a family of 4 when there is only two, I have to pick up her dc's towel because she'll leave it on the floor, cook the dc's dinner with no help, wash it all up then do the same for her. She never offers to wash up but says she can't cook so won't do dinner at hers and doesn't have sky so we have at least 2 nights a week where we watch the same programme so she has to come round or not see it.

AIBU? I most probably am I'm in a pants mood

Even when you're trying to describe what a good friend she is, you're still describing someone greedy and rude

The fact that strangers on an Internet forum care more for you than this so called friend you have known for 10 years speaks volumes. Just because you have known her for all these years does not make her a good friend, she has taken the piss for 10 years. See today as a new start, a new assertive you, your esteem will be better and so will your pocket, you will have more food for your kids. It is not your responsibility to feed her and her child, it's HERS!

She doesent sound very nice to boot either. Good on you lottieI suggest you read that book op!

I have diet coke but he's 2 so would rather give him squash tbh he's also only done 2 wee's today so will maybe try that dyoralight (sp) stuff

Wrong post

What do you get from the friendship OP? I avoid people like this, life is far too short and I can't do with the hassle. Sounds like a one way street.

I feel for you, but you'll meet more nice people if you clear her out of your life. You can't meet anyone new and do anything with your 'friend' hanging round. It is natural to lose some friends when you have a newborn, but that does NOT mean you have to accept the dregs of friendship someone else offers for fear of being alone.

Please ditch the user, you don't need her.

she's not a great friend, she is totally using you. I don't really now what to say to make you see this, you seem utterly blind to what she is doing.

Read every post carefully and think long and ard about people are saying. You are better off without this leech, really I could not enjoy being with someone who used and took the piss out of me like she is doing to you!

blow her out, I had a "friend" like this, was happy for me to feed her, let her have my work discount, give her baby clothes did 0 for me and then moved on to the next mug

She really is using you.
Try saying, "I'm sorry but we've been invited out this evening"
And then go out and eat with your children somewhere she wouldn't go.
Do this at least three times a week for a couple of weeks.

It will give her the message that you do have other friends. (You've been "invited out") and it won't cost any more than feeding your friend and her children.

See how she reacts.

PS. She's not your friend.

She sounds awful. Don't get in touch with her. Start going to activities and groups and make new friends!

Google your local area and kids activites, look at the local bit on mumsnet and netmums, see if facebook have a your area and mums or kids page you can join, check your councils website for things to do with kids. Go to your library and look at the noticeboards. Just get out there and get a life without her dragging you down.

She might learn to respect you when you start distancing yourself a bit and get a life of your own. At the moment she's walking all over you and treating you like crap.

I have a friend who often comes over with her 2 children to spend the day at my house. I make lunch for all of us and we drink gallons of tea while the children play. After a few days like this, my friend talked to me about how she was worried it was unfair that we always met up at my house but that she preferred it as my house and garden are a fair bit bigger than hers and both sets of children in her house would be a squash but that she didn't want to take advantage and we were welcome at hers if we wanted. I said that I didn't mind having them at ours, as I really don't.

Since then, she usually brings something towards lunch - could be fruit, or cake, occasionally it's a bottle of wine or flowers for me. When she's here, she makes cups of tea for us as often as I do. If a child spills a drink, she'll reach for a cloth as quickly as I will, whether if was her child or mine that did it. She checks with me every few months if I'm still ok with being the host all the time. And we're both there for each other if we're upset or have problems.

That's a decent person. Your friend isn't.

I would probably say I'm struggling with money for all four would you mind chipping in? I've found some people just don't think, they don't mean to but they take what you do for granted. Once it's pointed out they sometimes change but not you are nbu.

Ps. bookcave your friend sounds lovely!

Op you haven't responded at all to catsmothers post.

I know you think she has good qualities but from what you have described they cannot anywhere near compensate for all the crap she gives you.

I think we are wasting our time unfortunately. Please read catsmothers post.

smokeandglitter - she is! I'm always the host but I've never felt taken advantage of by her because she's a decent person. I love having her over to our house. But the op's friend is clearly the other end of the spectrum from my friend and is a user!

bout - I have read catsmothers post. I have a poorly DC hense the PP above which was posted in the wrong place so I'm reading and responding on my phone when i can

Ok. She really does make a lot of sense. I know it's difficult, but you do need to gather the strength to instigate some changes. You are too nice for your own good. Good luck.

Hope poorly dc gets better soon

Stop letting her take the piss OP!

Tell her that you can't afford to feed her & her kids anymore.

Even if she washed up, that's not enough when money is tight & she never feeds you & yours in return.

It sounds like you want to continue the friendship i can't see why so if she would take any discussion badly, why not just meet her out of the home?

To be honest though OP, you should be able to say, "I'm finding cooking for us all three times a week really expensive. Can you ring the ingredients for lasagne (or whatever) tomorrow?"

If you cut it down to twice a week, once where you bring the food, once where she does, you both wash up and you prepare the food. That way, you're still doing more than her (in case she uses that argument) but it would be on the whole fairer.

That would be reasonable - more than reasonable in fact.

If she does kick off at this, then maybe it's time to start consider g what everyone here is saying - that she is actually a bully? Your children will see the interaction between you both as they grow up. I don't think it's a good message for them long term.

Hope your DC gets well soon.

I will when/If I speak to her she didn't turn up to the DC's activity like she said and haven't heard from her today at all.

Diddl - even if she did was up I'd still be supplying and cooking everything for the 4 of us.

Yes I know, I put that it's not enough.

I think even if she supplied the food she should still wash up tbh.

Also, if you tried that, what are the chances that she would bring decent ingredients round?

OP - I want to be generous here. Let's assume, for a second, that this woman isn't selfish and she isn't taking advantage but "simply" has the hide of a rhinoceros and hasn't thought how much this is costing you ... (TBH, I don't believe that's the case, but playing devil's advocate) ... then, if that were the case, and you explained to her that you can no longer afford the current arrangement but would still like to see her, however, it can only be twice a week and you'll pay for one meal and she the other, then any normal person would be absolutely mortified that they'd allowed the situation to continue for so long without really thinking about the impact on their friend and would apologise profusely for the trouble and expense they'd caused. And then they'd set about making things up to you .... at least that's what I'd do if I'd unwittingly been taking advantage of someone else's generosity.

The fact you seem frightened of her reaction though speaks volumes. Everyone, absolutely everyone here agrees that she'd have no right to get the hump with you which should tell you something - and whilst I fully appreciate that if this "friend" did start acting all offended (the cheek!!) and mouthing off at you it probably wouldn't be pleasant (as not many people like confrontations that end in insults and accusations) and of course you'd feel let down and saddened, such a reaction on her part would actually confirm what I think you already know deep down about her attitude towards you. And that should give you the impetus to stand your ground and say "bye then". That should make you bloody angry because such a response from her would be adding insult to injury.

The only way you're going to find out what she really thinks of you once and for all and how much - or not - she values your friendship is by telling her that things have got to change. You never know, there's a slim chance she may react positively and you can move forward. Genuine friends accept that no-one's perfect and they wouldn't necessarily let a frank and honest conversation scupper their friendship - in fact most people would probably prefer to air something that's bothering them rather than letting it fester - clear the air and all that. You really don't have anything to lose - as things stand - by testing the water like this. Based on everything you've described so far, you wouldn't be losing a true friendship, but someone whose company you have effectively bought for many years and who's unpleasant to you as well in a number of ways - it's not just the money side of things though that's bad enough.

Oh - and I meant to say OP that while "we" all think you've been a "bit of a mug" all this time, what that does mean nonetheless is that at heart you are a very kind and generous person (albeit one who probably needs to set herself firm boundaries so that kindness isn't taken advantage of) and I think it's such a shame that you're not directing that generosity and kindness towards people who actually deserve such consideration and who'd almost certainly reciprocate it back to you. I feel really sad on your behalf that at some deep level (puts amateur psychologist's hat on ...) you probably don't feel you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness yourself. I think it'd be a revelation once you become involved with people who'd appreciate you and pay you back one way or another. This doesn't always have to be tit for tat because after all we all have different circumstances and abilities, but you'll recognise genuine appreciation once it happens to you - I personally think it's not so much about getting an absolutely equal return back on what you give out to others but about knowing other people like you enough to do all they can in return. This "friend" could undoubtedly do more - which wouldn't be hard since she appears to be doing bugger all right now. However, she chooses not to do anything for you - to show you any small gesture of thoughtfulness - because she can get away with it! Which is pretty selfish.

I think you'd potentially be very suited to doing some sort of voluntary work where your naturally generous personality would be doing something very valuable for others who need assistance of some sort. And knowing you're doing something worthwhile would, I think, really boost your self esteem - plus, you'd meet new people that way, who may become friends. Just having something else to occupy you rather than being so dependent on this woman for company would probably soften the blow of "splitting" from her as well.

So, taking today's sulking lack of contact, and the example you provided about the T-shirt, and using the relevant parts of Bogey's list, what do we have?

Do you feel that the person treats you like a child? Yes
Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions? e.g. like buying an expensive T shirt
Do they control your spending? Yes
Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them? Yes, you aren't worthy enough to buy something nice
Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are? e.g. like wanting to spend money on a rare treat
Do they have trouble apologising? Yes
Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests? i.e. the sulking today over what was a reasonable request for her to help
Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect: Not turning up today
Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection? Again, the sulking
Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes? Yes, absolutely
Do they not notice or care how you feel? No, she doesn't give a shit. She wants to punish you for daring to stand up to her.

Does any of this resonate?

So you are not working, but got some compensation, and instead of saving it, or spending a little on you & your child, you ended up frittering it on her?