To think friend should offer to help?!

[YouSayBelloISayPoppaye]

I have a friend of 10+ years we both have young DC's of the same age for at least 5+ years I've been doing dinner for us both by kind of being nominated by here I.e she'll say do you want to do dinner, well discuss then she'll expect me to take it out of my freezer, prepare it, cook it, wash it all up etc.

It's kind of getting to the point where I'm wondering why she never once offers when I do my food shop we go together and she comes round about 3 times a week at the minimum where I will then do her DC dinner as well as mine using double the amount of food I normally would and then do her dinner along with mine so once again using double the amount of food, I'll also end up bathing her DC here too and putting him to sleep till she goes home.

AIBU to start to get a tad annoyed that I'm essentially doing my food shop for a family of 4 when there is only two, I have to pick up her dc's towel because she'll leave it on the floor, cook the dc's dinner with no help, wash it all up then do the same for her. She never offers to wash up but says she can't cook so won't do dinner at hers and doesn't have sky so we have at least 2 nights a week where we watch the same programme so she has to come round or not see it.

AIBU? I most probably am I'm in a pants mood

What did her dp say to her about you?? Shame about the company?? And she told you this? Good god, you need to get rid of this woman. I get that you're lonely but you are not happy with this 'friendship'.
It seems that you won't say anything to her because you know that she'll cut you off if you do and that's not a friendship. You're in a situation where she's friends with you because you cook them dinner, bath their kids, and they come round to watch tv so they don't have to shell out for sky and you're too scared to find out if she'll still want to be your friend if you don't do those things anymore.
It's not always easy to make friends but you will, especially when you start nursery, school etc. so you don't have to put up with this for long.

All the grow a backbone comments don't seem helpful. But hoping everyone's reaction tells you this isn't right and no wonder it's all annoying you despite you liking having her in your lives- you sound very patient but she's treating you unfairly and expecting way to much from you.

I think it's incredibly important to be blunt and stick firmly with whatever you decide to say regardless of her reaction -apologise if you want that it's difficult you say this but how important it is to you. eg I haven't been wanting to say this for so long but it feels very one way and if I were coming to yours all the time I would help and bring the type of food you liked etc or be a thoughtful friend to her too.

I have a wonderful friend who always comes to us and another I love so much who only ever has us to hers (we have tried to reciprocate several times but there are various reasons it hasn't worked) but I'm so conscious of it and contribute in whatever way we're able.

I'm hurt on your behalf! I wish you had a mutual friend who could tease her or have words as it would be easier and she really needs it explained to her to look out for you not just her own needs and wants!!

Good grief, she's awful!
It's really tough when you don't know other ppl with kids. And you want your kids to see hers, I get that
But what they are witnessing is this selfish freeloader taking advantage of you. You sound lovely. She sounds like an offensive PITA.

Was your DP abusive to you? I wonder if she's seen a chink in your armour to exploit for her own gain.

Try one of these?
A. Insist on a financial contribution, ie. you will cook and she will buy the majority of the food.
B. meet at a time that does not require you to wait on herald her kids
C. Tell her to piss off. It will be tough.but good for your dcs to see how liberating it is to end a damaging relationship.

Just watch Freeview programs the nights you are at her house, she's happy with Freeview normally and you can always record what you'll miss & catch up later.

I'm afraid she is taking you for an absolute mug!

God she sounds awful.
but you have choices and you are choosing to do all this. Clearly out of all the options available to you, it is what you prefer to do. So you either have to accept that or change it.
if you are primarily concerned with keeping her onside, then the price you pay for that is being walked all over and being out of pocket.
if, otoh, your feelings of resentment become so strong that it is more important to tell her howyou feel than to keep the peace, you will tell her that you are no longer able to provide her familys meals for half the week.
It really is your choice. You do have choices. The fact that none of them are pain free does not mean they arent there.
yOu just have to decide what matters more to you. Then make peace with your choice.

Personally, I'd be of the opinion that a friend would not treat me as you describe = she is not a friend. Therefore I'd feel I'd lose little by putting my foot down.

Well it's your problem op, we have given you some good advice but yiu keep making excuses. Only YOU can put a stop to this. Grow a backbone fgs! Charge her for food, tell her you can't afford to feed her and her dc as well. After all all she's direct with you. If you can't do those things you only have yourself to blame!

Aeroflotgirl harsh!

Your in each others pockets you do not have to seechervquite as often. Go food shopping when she's at work or order online. Start charging her food and water money, she has no qualms springing off you and reminding you to pay her back for take a way

Well it's true theatre allamanda. People have given op good advice but she keeps making excuses for this person. Mabey someone has to be harsh

Inagree hecarte

Ltb

Sorry but I agree with Aeroflot.

Every suggestion has been met with I can't do that, because ......

So you need to put up and shut up complaining about it.

Just because your DC are friends does not give her the right to take over your life/house and dictate how and what you do in your home.

As it stands she eats at your house 3/4 nights/days a week all of which you pay for/cook. She rude to your partner and only does what she wants when she wants.

This is not a friend and is some one who enhances your life and not someone you costs you money/time on a ongoing basis.

If you shop together, I'd separate your shopping into "mine" and "joint" then suggest she pays you half when you're at the checkout. She will continue to do this for as long as you let her.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

Some great advice op, it's not going to be easy but look at it as a positive. I personally would have no qualms distancing myself a bit, going food shopping without her, suggest meeting up in other locations. And charging her, as she is taking from your family, it is not your responsibility to provide for her! I would feel so much better about it. Your giving her an inch, she is taking a mile.

If you're so happy with this set up, why did you post?

It doesn't sound like a happy way to live.
How will you make other friends when all your time & money is taken up with her?

What happens when your dc start after school activities and you're not around on the nights you watch something specific on sky, will she get the keys to yours & a meal in te fridge to heat up?

I have to agree you're buying her friendship and she's taking advantage.. The contempt she has for you should have hit home when she passed on what her bloke said.

But if you're happy to be used then crack on. I'm not really sure what you're wanting.

Your letting her take from your children's table, not on!

I don't think op is listening as this person is her only friend at the present time. However op you worth more than this user. She's stopping you making real friends. I understand its hard to say no if you have no confidence (I've been there).

She is not your friend. You would be better off with no friends.

She is out for what she can get. Unless you are well off, you and your dc are going without to provide food for this using cow.

Get rid. Use the free time to make new friends.

It wouldn't have taken long for me to recognise that I was being taken advantage of if I were the OP. When you tot up the expense for the OP (water for baths, boiling vegetables, making gravy, washing up, washing hands, laundry; television where you have to pay for a licence; electricity for the cooker, lights, television, heating; or gas for central heating; effort for bathing, preparing food, cooking, washing up, seething). Apart from the cost of food, how much would that all add up to? Divide by two. Look how much you could save. Do you buy food bearing in mind that she will be eating at your place? In other words do you buy special things because she is coming? For example, pork chops instead of belly pork?

It's time this system scam were to come to an end and you'd find yourself a lot better off financially. I love having friends round but they all bring a contribution even if it can't be used for that visit and never bring nothing. Please get rid, OP. Others have come up with good ideas of how to. Please.

Nobody here can wave a magic wand and transform this "friend" into the sort of person you'd obviously prefer her to be.

The only way anything's going to change is if you instigate those changes by putting some of the suggestions already made here into practice and see what happens. If you're scared of her reaction then unfortunately that tells you that this woman is no friend at all, but the alternative, to be blunt, is to put up and shut up.

Perhaps you can try to put yourself in the place of one of your kids when they've grown up .... how would you feel if, as a single parent (so not rolling in it) they told you that they had a regular visitor who never contributed anything but expected every sort of home comfort available such as meals (of their choosing) cooked to order for both them and their kids, hot water, their choice of TV and never reciprocated in any shape or form by so much as helping with clearing up or babysitting or gardening or DIY. How would you feel if your child said "mum, it's draining me, I keep dropping hints and they're always ignored".

Fact is ..... you must be spending a considerable sum of money feeding this woman and her children on such a prolonged and regular basis. It must be into four figures by now over all these years. OP - unless you're a millionaire (and even then that wouldn't give people carte blanche to take the piss out of you) you surely can't afford that level of regular additional expense without it having some sort of detrimental effect on the rest of your life. At the very least, that is money you could be saving for your kids' futures. Is this so-called "friendship" really worth that sort of sacrifice FFS ?

I'm afraid I think you are short changing your own kids by allowing this level of freeloading to continue - and that's before you even get on to what it's doing to whatever little self esteem you have. That's not meant to be an attack - I understand what it's like to feel anxious and lonely and to have very little self confidence, but you know deep down this isn't right (or else you wouldn't have bothered posting) so to continue to let yourself be taken advantage of almost certainly means you don't think you deserve any "better" than this - and the irony is that the more you do this to yourself (by not confronting her or by not stopping it altogether) the worse you'll ultimately feel.

This woman seems to have very few redeeming features - and the little you've mentioned do NOT outweigh the way she's treating you by a long chalk.

Please dig deep and be honest with yourself if only for your kids' sake. I know you'll probably reply with them being friends with her kids etc but again, if your "friendship" disappearing meant that they also lost their friends it'd be sad, but not the end of the world, and it's far better they don't see their mum being abused. They might be too little now to appreciate what's going on but before too long they'll start to put two and two together .... how would they feel if you say you can't afford an activity which would benefit them yet at the same time are providing all these meals for someone who shows no gratitude or appreciation in any way ? As others have said, it is better to - temporarily - have no friends than to have a leech like this suffocating you. There are all sorts of ways to get to know new people - and it doesn't have to include the dreaded toddler group scenario. You might get involved with voluntary work for example while your kids are at school where you will meet new people but where there's no pressure to make friends per se. Or you could simply search out online forums (for a start) about topics or hobbies which interest you and get chatting to others there. Or check out Mumsnet local for possibilities. Anything rather than let yourself be used like this.

Catsmother good post. I agree.

OP... it's hard when it's a friend BUT you can't afford to do this - financially or for your friendship as there is no balance at all and it's making you cross.

This from Bogeyface earlier is all you need to say, it's very kind and considered:

A simple "look, I love having you over but I cant afford to keep cooking for us all, so either you need to contribute to the cost or go home before dinner". If she gets an arse on then you know that she is more interested in what she can get out of you than your friendship.

If I were your friend I'd be mortified that I'd imposed on you and put it right immediately. It's only a friendship if there is a proper balance and you don't have this at the moment.