To think friend should offer to help?!

[YouSayBelloISayPoppaye]

I have a friend of 10+ years we both have young DC's of the same age for at least 5+ years I've been doing dinner for us both by kind of being nominated by here I.e she'll say do you want to do dinner, well discuss then she'll expect me to take it out of my freezer, prepare it, cook it, wash it all up etc.

It's kind of getting to the point where I'm wondering why she never once offers when I do my food shop we go together and she comes round about 3 times a week at the minimum where I will then do her DC dinner as well as mine using double the amount of food I normally would and then do her dinner along with mine so once again using double the amount of food, I'll also end up bathing her DC here too and putting him to sleep till she goes home.

AIBU to start to get a tad annoyed that I'm essentially doing my food shop for a family of 4 when there is only two, I have to pick up her dc's towel because she'll leave it on the floor, cook the dc's dinner with no help, wash it all up then do the same for her. She never offers to wash up but says she can't cook so won't do dinner at hers and doesn't have sky so we have at least 2 nights a week where we watch the same programme so she has to come round or not see it.

AIBU? I most probably am I'm in a pants mood

I hate cooking. Can I pop around to yours a couple of times a week and eat with you? I promise not to help with the cooking, washing up or contribute to the cost of the food.

catsmother is absolutely right. You are allowing yourself to be totally taken for a ride by this horrible woman because you are afraid. It's not about your kids or friendships, this is about YOU and the lengths to which you will go to cling to this person. And she knows it.

It's in your hands to change it. Feel the fear - and do it anyway.

Either instigate some changes or as someone else said put up and shut up

She should be pulling her weight both physically and financially. What is she actually doing when you are running around after her?

I think saying to the OP, put up or shut up is a bit harsh.

It wouldn't be said to anyone in any other type of abusive relationship.

She is not your friend. She's using you.

If you cannot end the relationship then you need to work on self esteem and new friendships so you can do it in the future, not easy I know but you are allowing her to treat you badly infront of your child. Your child will not only learn that you can be easily dominated but her child will also learn the same. Do you wait until her child treats your child or you with the same contempt.

Yes "put up or shut up" is blunt, and I agree that it might sound harsh. The thing is though if someone tells you a situation is wrong, and is bothering them, and you then make a series of suggestions about how things might be rectified - and every one of those is batted away with an excuse about why not to try it, then what are you left with ?

You can repeat the same suggestions all over again, perhaps emphasising why this one and that one is a good idea etc. - which is what, in effect, has been happening on this thread - but when you hear, again, the similar old excuses, just what more can you do ? You can perhaps try another tack and encourage the person concerned to work on their self esteem in the hope that as they grow in confidence they'll eventually wake up and realise that they (or anyone) doesn't deserve to be treated like this. But unless someone is willing to engage with you so you can offer support and reassurance as they embark on trying to make themselves happy (bearing in mind the old adage that individuals are almost 100% responsible for creating their own happiness) then again, what more can you say ?

I don't think there's a single person on this thread who doesn't wish the OP happiness and who hopes she wakes up properly to what's been going on. I'm also sure there are many here who'd "hold her hand" - in theory - if she did decide to tackle this issue, be it by subtle or not so subtle ways, or indeed, in the first instance, just by seeking out methods of increasing her self esteem (which in turn would hopefully enable her not to be such a pushover).

But until the OP comes back and says something along the lines of "yes, I know it's not right, and I don't want it to continue, but I'm really scared and it's that unknown quantity of not having any friends, and/or my friend having a go at me which stops me doing anything about it" then all of us replying to her are kind of at a dead end. We'd like to help her - theoretically and virtually speaking - but for us to do that she has to agree to help herself first off. Otherwise, it does boil down to, for the moment, getting on with it.

All we can then say is, please keep talking with "us", we will reassure you and encourage you when you feel ready to make the "move" (away from so-called "friend"). We want you to be happy but clearly this "friendship" isn't doing that - it's all very superficial and one sided. Please come back and talk honestly when you're willing to do something .....

Well no message from her today and she didn't take her DC to the activity like she said but I didn't chase her up on it.

Don't get me wrong, Other than this she's great and I love her to pieces but I really can't be cooking and supplying bans fucking washing up twice as much shit at least 3 times a week. She works and I don't I can't really afford to be going half on the rare takeaway and then buying enough food to feed four when in fact i could feed two for two weeks. I know though that she won't take it in a non constructive way and then start with something like "fine I won't come round for dinner anymore then" or "fine I'll do everything whilst you do nothing"

May I be your cat, please?

Only if your the one who looks like they're wearing socks, don't do the weird thing with their claws like they're plumping up a pillow :P

If she says 'fine ill do everything then' just reply with

'Just like I've been doing for the past 3 years'
'Well it will make a change to doing nothing'

If you stand up to her she will back down quick enough. Bullies always do because they are actually cowards.

Even if she huffs and stays away for a few weeks, she'll be back once she's alone and having to deal with her dc single handidly for half the week, so hopefully that'll be the start of the next chapter of your relationship, not built on you being a skivvy.

If for some reason she decides she doesn't need the free help or sky you've gained family time, money and less stress!

so what are her redeeming features, that make you love her to pieces?

Sorry Popaye but I wanted to be Catsmother's cat. She is so wise and kind, saying things that did not occur to me to say.

"Other than this she's great"

But, sweetheart, she's not great.

Firstly, "other than this" means forgetting about the fact she leeches off you and your family - she sucks money, time and effort out of you. And all she gives back is a bit of entertainment. You do realise that most people's friends entertain each other, and share equally as well?

This relationship isn't equal & balanced. You are effectively paying her for her company.

Secondly, she disses you behind your back with her partner - and tells you what he said about you. The only way to read this, I'm afraid, is that she gets a kick out of bringing you down. She's not nice to you :(

I used to feel I had to 'earn' people's friendship. My life ended up full of users, too. When I did a sort of audit, I found the people I saw the least were the nice ones who just liked having me around. The ones I had to 'pay' were taking up most of my time and energy. It does take a bit of bottle to dump the leeches, particularly as they (understandably!) don't want to let you go. Nice people, who respect your wishes, can be hurt by your rejection but they will go away when you ask them to. Leeches, on the other hand, don't want to lose their supply - you! So they have no respect for your boundaries, and will try to make you keep them sucking away at you.

You say you're good at setting boundaries for your DC. Why not try the same with your 'frenemy'?

Happy DP would kill me if I got another cat!

If that's how she reacts, she really isn't your friend, and is only being nice any other time to get what she is taking from you.

We do have a great time together, go shopping, dinner, DC are friends and get on well, it is literally just this one thing that is starting to bug me. Don't get me wrong we have ways where were different like I buy my DC a top from Ralph Lauren and it took her months to stop saying "oh I wouldn't spend that much on a t-shirt" "it's just a waste of money" till she finally did and now she rarely does it when were out, just the other day I gave her a load of pjs and a couple pairs of Ralph Lauren shoes I went to give her high top ones which weren't Ralph Lauren she just said "he won't wear them" and left them here. Even when she got £1k tax rebate she didn't pay for dinner ect. When I got some compensation I paid for dinner treats ect cause she said she had no money.

You need to dump her and quickly, she's just a user, things wont change

Totally agree catsmother, please op read every post carefully. Not ine agrees with what your 'friend' is doing! You hate groups, try to push past your comfort zone and get out there. There are millions f people in this world, you will make good friends who do not take the piss and take food out of the mouth of your children! I bet if you asked her to contribute towards food and electricity and water, she would be off like a shot. There lies your answer. You are worth more than that, better to have no 'friend' than someone springing from you and your kids. Your kids will meet other people they like, and won't remember her. Good friends do not treat you like this and you have to realise that. Have some self worth and self respect!

Well read the posts carefully, the fact she never contributes and expects you to speaks volumes. She is probably responsible for your low self esteem. She is putting you down!

I agree that this sounds like codependency. I'm predisposed to get into relationships like that myself and have just read Codependent no more. I would recommend you do the same. I've managed to leave my latest codependent relationship and I feel a lot better for it!

Well, obviously she's taking the piss. And she doesn't sound that nice on top of the food/catering/treating you like a skivvy issue, TBH. Who's got the energy to go on about a Ralph Lauren top for months?

Just say as someone suggested: 'I can't afford the money or time to cook and clear up for you all the time. Let's try splitting it 50/50 so I cook and you wash up and tidy up' or similar.

She'll probably respond by getting the hump, going on your posts, but if so just repeat yourself calmly.

I know you say you don't have anyone else, but TBH I'd rather be friendless than have a 'friend' like this. It's a pity for your DC but once he starts nursery things will change.

Oh, well done, lottie!