to not want to send kids to my Mum's so their step Dad can "have a break"?

[somanymiles]

My DH and I had planned to spend a few days away next week and my kids were to go to my Mum's. However, we decided we were too skint to go away and would do day trips instead. He still expects my kids (who are his step children) to go to my Mum's so he can "have a break" from them. They are 12 and 15 respectively and pretty good, not rude or badly behaved. They already spend one or two nights a week at my Mum's or sister's house (Friday and Saturday this week). I think it's a bit much to expect Mum to have them for three nights when we won;t even be going away. He is in a massive sulk because he was looking forward to having a break from them. We have Wednesday-Friday off and they will be going to my Mum's on the Friday. AIBU? Should I ask Mum to take them anyway? They will be away for all of August visiting their Dad, so he will be getting a break soon anyway. We will still have DS3 with us who is three years' old.

Agree that he should be kind to the older DCs.

He prob would benefit from speaking to someone as Airoflotgirl suggests or reading up on step parenting.

I don't think my big kids are unduly worried by it

You are naive, op! Why do you think they like staying at your mum's & sister's so much?

Because they aren't made to feel like an inconvenience, that's why!

as someone with no children he had no idea how hard it would be

My stepdad didn't have children before he met us. Mum made it clear she wasn't having anymore. He was happy with that! He did a great job & no matter how hard it got, always made us feel wanted & special. Infact, he did a better job with me than my mum did. As (and it is all on here) she didn't want me.

I don't buy it, sorry! I see that once his own child came along your were no longer needed to fill a hole.

When will your dc3 become an inconvenience? As soon as he gets "too hard"?

They know. Of course they know. Teenagers don't generally let any sort of injustice pass them by.

I feel really quite sad for them.

The plan is still on and I don't see the big deal.

It's the grown man's sulking at the potential change of plan!

FFS OP Why dont you just let you DM and DSis have custody of the kids, sounds like they'd be much happier with them, rather than living with a man who prefer it if they didnt exist.

You're an idiot if you think they don't know, kids always know.

I don't think anyone should post their views unless they are in a step parent situation.

Don't be so absurd! Unless you would like to enforce this across the site?

It isn't hard to see that this man doesn't want the kids around, especially as op herself admits he sees them as an inconvenience to be ''put up with"

I am honest though, not hypocritical. I can be honest too. I enjoyed the 3 day break I had from my dc a while. As did dh.

I do not view them as an inconvenience. Neither does dh.
I would not have sulked if for any reason my childcare for that holiday fell through, or dh got ill, or I did. Neither would dh.

That's just me though...

I don't think my big kids are unduly worried by it

Yes, they probably know the situation but they have a dad who loves them and a mum do they need another parent?

It is a question of degree, if he is a selfish twat who has no interest in his DSC and makes it known or if he is usually a nice stepdad, but not surprisingly has stronger feelings toward his own DC. Then forgiveable.

It is no doubt a dilemma of being a SP, your DCs seem perfect little treasures, the SDCs are more difficult personalities. I doubt the best answer is to divorce and start the scenario all over again.

Their father works away, so at the moment they have one home, that home should be their sanctuary. They should never feel unwelcome or unwanted.

do they need another parent?

Probably not. But they do need the man living in THEIR HOME not to view them as an inconvenience!!

regardless of anything else, what message is he giving their brother? That those not fully related to you, but living with you are no more than something to be 'put up with', like a leaky tap or a wonky join on wallpaper?

OP states her OH had a 'massive sulk'. We don't have his POV.

I'm not a sulker but my oh can be. I react and get over it. Neither of us is in perfect.

You said that they realise their little brother is indulged as he's the youngest, no it's not and they will realise your h feelings for them, it's because they are an inconvenience and the novelty worn off. They are not playthings to put down when you get bored. When your h married you he also accepted your kids as well, if it's hard tough, you have to put more in. Op kids do not sound hard with issues. Op should not be facilitating these breaks away from the children for her h, it's making it worse. Those kids should not be going to grannies and aunties to give her h a break, but because they want to visit them. She needs to woman up stop facilitating this nonesense and have serious talk to her h.

As op h married her as a package with her two kids he should be developing some kind of bond with them, do things with them, even if you are turned, bloody don't show it and don't sulk because you are not getting a break from them.

Tired I meant

So you spend more time with your husband than your kids and that's ok with you? Because you put him first? And he thinks he should come first, followed by his golden child?

Being sent away 2 nights a week must make them feel like guests in their home.

And why on earth would they not be included in family holidays too?

Nothing against a couple getting a break but not this often and not just the step kids.

Nobody is blaming the little one, it's both adults at fault here and they need to sort their stuff out for the sakes of ALL their children.

I don't think your DH is quite the ogre that he is being made out to be. I'm a mother, a step parent and was also a step child so have a few perspectives on this.

The guy had no children, no experience of parenting but took on the responsibility and by the sounds of it stepped up when the real dad went off. Give the guy some credit. And anyone who throws out 'he should have known what he was getting into' is wearing very big judgy pants. There is no way you know how you are going to feel or react until you are in the situation, if we knew everything before we walked in there would be no divorces, no one would be abused and mumsnet would be very quiet!!!

We don't know what else is going on in the OPs home, we only have a very tiny glimpse of their lives. The husband may have been really looking forward to a bit of down time after a rough period and it was potentially being taken away, the human reaction to this is to be peed off. People are kidding themselves if sulking isn't a normal human reaction, we all do it whether we would admit to it or not!

Red flags would be to totally overreact and break up a stable working situation, making the children lose yet another family home and creating yet another potential step child in the form of the three year old.

OP in your shoes I would enjoy your down time with your DH and youngest and when the time is right have a chat about his relationship with the SC and see if there are any underlying problems you need to address.

Well they definitely need to sort it out, if currently he sees his step kids as an inconvenience he puts up,with. Of course he treats abd gives more attention to his child, but he also needs to form a bond with the other two. Yes op needs to have a serious talk about it. Not saying they should break up, but a lot of work needs to be done by them so that step dad has a bond with his step kids.

Hm, now my OH has a 6 year old daughter and I'm pregnant with our first. I love his daughter to pieces but it is hard work working full time, then having her both days on my days off every single week and being 20 weeks pregnant with pretty nasty sciatica. Every so often I need a break. He made me feel really pants about it last time but I only ask for it if he gets an extra day off in the week that he just doesn't have her for the third day because it's exhausting having to collect her and cook dinner ready before going back to work for the evening. Sometimes I feel very unreasonable asking this but she's also going through her attitude from hell stage and it feels like a constant battle at the mo when we do have her. Saying that though I love her to pieces and see her the same as our own child.

but seeing as their youngest was staying with them anyway I do think he is being slightly unreasonable. I think I would see it as more reasonable if he asked that youngest stays too and they get some quality couple time, that's fair enough but a 3YO is demanding.

Not always easy being a step parent!

golden child

Way to go, start bashing the three year old!! Really?

Being a step parent is so difficult! But you know what you're walking into when you enter into a relationship where someone already has children.

My DSD is 4 and a real handful ATM. We have her 3/4 nights per week and I look after her around 90% of the time she's here. It isn't exactly what I signed up for but I put up with it. I am just expected to look after her most of the time so if this is the case with your DH then I can see why he's maybe a little pissed off but at 12 and 15 they don't really take that much looking after do they? I can't wait till DSD gets to that age! Haha.

YANBU. You are a family unit and he has to accept that!