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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to send kids to my Mum's so their step Dad can "have a break"?

153 replies

somanymiles · 28/06/2014 21:48

My DH and I had planned to spend a few days away next week and my kids were to go to my Mum's. However, we decided we were too skint to go away and would do day trips instead. He still expects my kids (who are his step children) to go to my Mum's so he can "have a break" from them. They are 12 and 15 respectively and pretty good, not rude or badly behaved. They already spend one or two nights a week at my Mum's or sister's house (Friday and Saturday this week). I think it's a bit much to expect Mum to have them for three nights when we won;t even be going away. He is in a massive sulk because he was looking forward to having a break from them. We have Wednesday-Friday off and they will be going to my Mum's on the Friday. AIBU? Should I ask Mum to take them anyway? They will be away for all of August visiting their Dad, so he will be getting a break soon anyway. We will still have DS3 with us who is three years' old.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 29/06/2014 05:57

Another example of a step parent excluding their non bio child. I will give silent thanks to my step dad that he treated me like I was his own daughter.

Fucking vile. Especially as they are away for the whole of August.

differentnameforthis · 29/06/2014 05:58

He was probably looking forward to some quality time with you. It doesn't make him a twat to be disappointed.

Except they will still have their 3yr around.

differentnameforthis · 29/06/2014 06:00

Yes, they are an incovenience that he puts up with. TBH while this bothers me a lot, I also realise that it must be hard to share your life with two children that are not yours.

Then he shouldn't have taken you all on, should he? I couldn't be with a man who saw my children as an inconvenience 'to be put up with' to be honest.

Sorry op, but it also says a lot about how you feel about them, to marry a man who obviously doesn't care about them & puts up with them being seen as an inconvenience.

differentnameforthis · 29/06/2014 06:09

No teenagers crashing about, interrupting etc

yeah, damn those teenagers wanting to be in their own home. Where they live....

Why can't he wait for August & his 'break' then?

differentnameforthis · 29/06/2014 06:10

and as you don't mention them going to their dad's

They will be away for all of August visiting their Dad

Did you see this?

FrontForward · 29/06/2014 06:23

Yes, they are an incovenience that he puts up with

If you think the DC don't know this you're probably deluding yourself. My DC have had many less than perfect experiences in life but knowing that they are being put up with is not one of them. Knowing they are the most important people in the world to me, is their experience. I wish them to have to give them an anchor, confidence and just that lovely feeling of being loved. Your DP may not be their Dad but by the very nature of his living in the family home he needs to be in on this. If you never had a break I could understand ...that's not the case and his true feelings about them are exposed here.

I could not live with someone who felt like this about the people most important to me in the world

WanderingAway · 29/06/2014 06:24

I would be packing up his stuff and giving him a break. A long term break.

I would never bring someone into my home & my dds home if they saw her as an inconvenience. Your kids should come first.

JapaneseMargaret · 29/06/2014 06:47

Rolling, yes, we all like a break, but he gets weekly breaks from them all the time. He's got an entire month's break from them coming up.

What must your Mum think of him, if you go to her and say you still want her to take them. How embarrassing for you as to what she must secretly think of him.

And worst of all, how awful for your kids.

Luggagecarousel · 29/06/2014 07:09

I would consider his attitude to be abusive, and I would hold you responsible for allowing this.

Your DC deserve a secure loving home, and a Mum who puts them first.

This man should leave.

dollius · 29/06/2014 07:12

I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if a partner took this attitude to my children. Devastated is pretty much all I can come up with....

Poor DC.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/06/2014 08:18

If any man treated my DD as an inconvenience, he'd get my foot kicked so hard up his arse, he'd fly out the front door.

I feel sorry for your DC's knowing that this man would rather they werent around.

needaholidaynow · 29/06/2014 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 09:12

You op should not be supporting this, they are your children, you are their mum. If your h feels that way you should not allow him to be around your children! Going on holiday without them and just the 3 of you is dreadful. That should not happen! Those kids should be going to dads, not to give your h a break, but because it's their contact time with him!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 09:14

They are only children and bei g pushed out of their family!

Rebecca2014 · 29/06/2014 09:20

Sad how many step parents resent their partner children on this thread and even more shocking how the bio parent will not put their child above their partner.

OP of course your children know their step dad resents them and considering he gets 2 day a week break from them already, the fact he is now sulking they will not be gone for 3 days tells me everything. Your children will not blame your step dad but will blame you for putting an man before them but hey you got your own little family so who cares about your oldest children who you fob off to your mum and sister.

hamptoncourt · 29/06/2014 09:35

I would not live with someone who saw my DC "as an inconvenience."

I agree with Rebecca - it makes me fee slightly nauseated when I read threads like this.

lunar1 · 29/06/2014 09:42

You make your children live with someone who sees them as an inconvenience he has to put up with? What great parenting.

I feel so sorry for your children, what a horrible way to have to grow up.

QueenofLouisiana · 29/06/2014 09:53

I am a step-child. If my step-dad ever felt like this he never, ever allowed me to see that. Possibly this explains why he gave me away at my wedding, gets full on Father's Day treatment from me and is a central part of bringing up his grandson alongside DS's biological grandparents.

I feel desperately sorry for your teenagers, who you say are good kids who he gets a break from every week as it is. I also feel a sudden need to ring my step-dad just to tell him I love him and that he's great.

bendicks · 29/06/2014 09:54

I do not understand how you could not put your dcs first. Show him the door. Give him a permanent break. He's vile.

thegreylady · 29/06/2014 10:07

I was step mum to 3 teens and dh to 2 teens and any treats were all either all or none! Either you are a family or not if not it is you and the kids and he is very out of order.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 10:11

Hope your reading op and taking in! You are a family of 5 not 3 and if your h does not understand that he should be permanently away not your children! No man should be out above your children ever!

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 29/06/2014 11:00

What a vile man. Your poor dc.

MammaTJ · 29/06/2014 11:06

Did you hide your DC in a cupboard until he moved in with you? No?

Then he knew what he was letting himself in for!

HIBU!

KneeQuestion · 29/06/2014 11:41

Some of these replies are a bit OTT IMO.

Even if you had gone away and taken the 3 yr old, it would be a totally different dynamic with just a 3 yr old rather than with the older ones too.

Same as having a 'staycation' but still having the 3 yr old, as someone else said, he will be at nursery during the day and to bed earlier than the older children, so it would still be a break of sorts, you'd get evenings together.

If this were me and Id planned a break, I too would feel a bit disappointed at not being able to afford to go away, but the older kids going away still would give you space to still have a bit of couply time.

I really don't think he is an Ogre for feeling disappointed.

Won't your older children be looking forward to time with granny anyway? chocolate pancakes for breakfast etc sound way more exciting than just staying home and the usual routine, or worse, being at home and having to tag along on a day trip with your two and their 3 yr old brother, I know it is really hard to please everyone on trips out when the age gap is that big.

What do your older children think about their visit to grannies being cancelled?

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 12:12

Knee no it's not an overreaction at all. Op,has said that her h views her kids as an inconvenience, that is a huge red flag. This holidays without them is just an extension of that. What if the other two had been her h biological,chikdren, would they have had to stay at Grans! They are a family of 5 now, so holidays should be together, if it's an adults only holiday than all children should not come!