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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to send kids to my Mum's so their step Dad can "have a break"?

153 replies

somanymiles · 28/06/2014 21:48

My DH and I had planned to spend a few days away next week and my kids were to go to my Mum's. However, we decided we were too skint to go away and would do day trips instead. He still expects my kids (who are his step children) to go to my Mum's so he can "have a break" from them. They are 12 and 15 respectively and pretty good, not rude or badly behaved. They already spend one or two nights a week at my Mum's or sister's house (Friday and Saturday this week). I think it's a bit much to expect Mum to have them for three nights when we won;t even be going away. He is in a massive sulk because he was looking forward to having a break from them. We have Wednesday-Friday off and they will be going to my Mum's on the Friday. AIBU? Should I ask Mum to take them anyway? They will be away for all of August visiting their Dad, so he will be getting a break soon anyway. We will still have DS3 with us who is three years' old.

OP posts:
Meow75 · 28/06/2014 22:17

He's a dick.

Your kids are not an add-on, and the fact that you have a child together anyway negates his whole argument.

Did you spring the existence of these kids on him the day after you got married? I highly doubt that, so consequently he is being a fool to expect that he gets a significant amount of time without them at his behest. They are teenagers for goodness sake, surely they entertain themselves for the most part!!!

CerealMom · 28/06/2014 22:17

"... an inconvenience that he puts up with... while this bothers me a lot..."

And your older 2 already spend 2 nights a week out of the family home with their DGPs and/or D Aunt.

It can't bother you that much.

Luggagecarousel · 28/06/2014 22:20

I can't imagine how sad those teens could be left feeling if they are made to leave their home and family because their step father just plain doesn't want them around.

I would actually be chucking the step father out, not the kids.

Seriously, at this age it is so important that they feel loved and wanted. Clearly they are not, by their step father, so it is vital their mother makes it clear they come first with her.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 28/06/2014 22:24

Oh l feel so sorry for your poor DC's. There is no doubt in my mind at all that they realise that their step DH only tolerates them but l am astonished that you find this reasonable behaviour.
Before he came along you were a family-you came as a unit--love me love my kids.
Why the hell did you marry him and have further DC's if you knew this.
He-not your DC's need to be given the boot

bloodyteenagers · 28/06/2014 22:27

An inconvenience that he puts up with
If this really bothered you at all, you would be making massive changes. It is not right that your children are kicked out of their home because of the man you share your bed with. You are their mum and you should be in their corner fighting for them. Not backing this man.

He should have thought about the effects of sharing a home with children before entering into a long term relationship with you. He cannot and should not be allowed to get rid of them because of the inconvenience.

And how the fuck can you have quality time with a fully dependent 3 year old in the house?

Either they all stay or they all go, and only if they want. They should never, ever feel pushed out of their home.

Sorry op. Carry on like this and in a few years time, they will be going nc with you. They will remember, vividly that you put him before them. And don't fool yourself into thinking they won't realise. Of course they will.

SandorClegane · 28/06/2014 22:36

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who saw my children as an inconvenience. My dh if asked says he has two sons and that's how he sees it despite the fact that only my younger DS is biologically his.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 28/06/2014 22:44

I'm with the poster who recommends your H goes spends that time with HIS mom, gets his child free break, and you get lovely time to spend with your children.

He sounds a right plonker...

gingercat2 · 28/06/2014 22:53

The part that bothers me most is him sulking about it. That's pretty immature and will affect the household atmosphere for everyone.

fifi669 · 28/06/2014 22:54

I get his point. During the day you'll be child free, bio DC will be in bed at 7 or something then you have the whole evening to yourselves. No teenagers crashing about, interrupting etc

wheresthelight · 28/06/2014 22:56

Ok as a stepmum to 2 dcs and a mum to 1 I cam actually see where he is coming from and I don't think itis such am evil place.

From your op iI assume you are RP and as you don't mention them going to their dad's and only to your mum or sister then the kids are with you 24/7 and that can bevvery draining for a step parent irrespective of how good the kids are.

My oh is the nrp and I love having family time with just the three of us when his older 2 are with their mum - that doesn't make me a bitch or evil. This stepdaughter when with their mum refuses to have the kids when his 2 girls are at their mum's as he likes time away from them.

I actually don't see there being an issue with him wanting family time with you and your joint child without your older ones being there. They have had time with you without their half sibling so why should your youngest not be entitled to similar time?

wheresthelight · 28/06/2014 22:57

Stepdad not stepdaughter bloody autocorrect sorry

RollingGreenMarble · 28/06/2014 23:01

Hmm, I don't know. I wouldn't expect a man to feel the same way about my child as he does his own??

Care, yes, but feel THE SAME? No.

I like (now)ex DPs son but would never have felt the same about him as I do my own, and would try to treat them the same but would never feel the same.

RollingGreenMarble · 28/06/2014 23:03

Also with the sulking... oh come on, we all sulk sometimes!

RollingGreenMarble · 28/06/2014 23:05

With the age differences of your kids too I assume he hasn't been around since the older ones were tiny to develop fatherly feelings for them?

RollingGreenMarble · 28/06/2014 23:06

(sorry just posting as thoughts come to my head here)

Also, wanting 'a break'... feck it, I love my son but he can be an inconvenience that I sometimes want a break from :o

Notso · 28/06/2014 23:10

I would be miffed if I was looking forward to child free time and it didn't happen.
However, surely if you are staying at home and the 3 yo is going to nursery then you will be getting more child free time than you would away with the 3yo. Which makes me think he is an arse for wanting a break from your kids only.

onedev · 28/06/2014 23:17

I feel really sorry for your DC.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/06/2014 23:36

Your dh sounds awful, why the hell did you marry him! You come as a package, I wonder how your poor kids feel at being kicked out from their home every week so your dh can hav a break from them, whilst their little sibling is allowed to stay Sad really. This would bev massive dealbreaker for me, especially as you say he is not keen in them!

SallyMcgally · 28/06/2014 23:36

rolling I agree. I don't feel the same about my stepchildren as I do about my children. That's fine. They have their own mother for that. But I hope I never made them feel as if I wanted them out of the house so that it could just be DH and DCs.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/06/2014 23:40

He views them as an inconvenience would be a dealbreaker, sorry, it would.

FightingFires · 28/06/2014 23:45

I dunno. I've been a stepmum (previous marriage), and have kids of my own, and DP doesn't have kids now, sometimes a break is very necessary, and I'm conscious of giving him a break.

As a stepmum, sometimes I wanted just MY family, because stepkids, no matter how lovely, can be hard work. They aren't his kids. It's 3 nights. Give him a break. Do the kids mind going to your mums? Might it not be a refresh for you all?

Why's it such a big deal?

DoJo · 28/06/2014 23:53

You say that you would feel weird asking your mum to have them for three nights - do you not feel weird asking them to stay away for three nights? Do they have a say in this at all? Do they ever get a break from him? To spend time in their own home with their mum and him not around?

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 00:13

Fighting, so your step,kids are not your family! I would not expect you to love them the same as your own bio kids, but do you know how sad that sounds!

CSIJanner · 29/06/2014 02:09

The fact that he's sulking over your older children speaks volumes.

FengMa · 29/06/2014 02:52

How did your 2 DC feel about being left behind when you, DH and DD were planning to go on holiday without them? Will you guys being at home make that separation / being left out better or worse for them? Or was it a non-issue?

Blended families are difficult, no doubt about it. Is it made any easier by the older ones potentially being made to feel like intruders on your new happy family? Or are you comfortable that they don't feel like that? My best friend growing up was in your older DCs' position and her and her brother found it very painful and unsettling on occasion...

Can't/couldn't you simply have your time with DH and DD while they are also away in Aug? Easier to justify to them.

Your DH IBVVU IMO.