Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to send kids to my Mum's so their step Dad can "have a break"?

153 replies

somanymiles · 28/06/2014 21:48

My DH and I had planned to spend a few days away next week and my kids were to go to my Mum's. However, we decided we were too skint to go away and would do day trips instead. He still expects my kids (who are his step children) to go to my Mum's so he can "have a break" from them. They are 12 and 15 respectively and pretty good, not rude or badly behaved. They already spend one or two nights a week at my Mum's or sister's house (Friday and Saturday this week). I think it's a bit much to expect Mum to have them for three nights when we won;t even be going away. He is in a massive sulk because he was looking forward to having a break from them. We have Wednesday-Friday off and they will be going to my Mum's on the Friday. AIBU? Should I ask Mum to take them anyway? They will be away for all of August visiting their Dad, so he will be getting a break soon anyway. We will still have DS3 with us who is three years' old.

OP posts:
OhMrGove · 29/06/2014 12:21

Teenagers are a bit different to a 3 year old, regardless of step or biological, no?

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 12:27

I would prefer to go with teenagers tbh much easier. Op h views her kids as an inconvenience, is sulking as as he wants a break from them and op is not keen. Not good is it!

differentnameforthis · 29/06/2014 12:33

Teenagers are a bit different to a 3 year old, regardless of step or biological, no?

Yes, they are more able to tell when someone views them as an inconvenience.

MonkeyMonkeyUnderpants · 29/06/2014 12:43

As a stepdaughter who has been made to feel like an inconvenience since I was 4, by my step dad and my mum it think you need to sort your DH out. My mum was the nrp and only had me on the weekends but it was always very clear that I was in the way and that by Sunday night they just wanted rid. It only got worse when they had my half brother and we were both treated very differently by both of them and this led to me resenting my brother for many years. luckily we have a great relationship now despite the way we were treated and the 8 year age gap.

Thank goodness for my dad who was a single parent and always showed me that I was and am the most important thing in his life.

I only experienced being an inconvenience at the weekend I hate to think how you dd's feel experiencing it every day.

Sorry this has no real advice but just wanted to share my experience.

socksandsandles · 29/06/2014 12:49

Seriously? I'd be having a (permanent) break from him!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 12:50

It's very sad to read experiences such as Monkeys, people trying to make excuses for the appealling behaviour of op and her h. There is no good excuse why 2 children should be left out of a 'family' holiday. Even they are not going away, her h wants they out their home so he can have a break from them. No excuses fir this. Op I would have show him the door!

ScarlettlovesRhett · 29/06/2014 12:59

If your older kids are 12 & 15 now, and you have a 3 yr old with their stepdad, then they must have been 8 & 11ish or younger when you got together with your partner - have they been an inconvenience all that time? From such a young age?

Your partner is a dick, and you should be ashamed that you have allowed your children to become an 'inconvenience'.

DoJo · 29/06/2014 13:02

Won't your older children be looking forward to time with granny anyway? chocolate pancakes for breakfast etc sound way more exciting than just staying home and the usual routine, or worse, being at home

I think you could have stopped there - the sad thing is that they probably will enjoy being with their granny more seeing as she obviously makes them welcome, treats them nicely and doesn't view them as an inconvenience. Unfortunately, chocolate pancakes don't go very far as a consolation for having a home where they don't feel welcome.

lljkk · 29/06/2014 13:03

Sulking because he was planning a shagfest while they were away & 3yo in nursery?

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 13:03

Op says he is in a massive sulk as he was looking forward from a break from them, what an arse, op should not be allowing this!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 13:05

Don't they get nice treats at your op, or only at grannies.

Billygoats · 29/06/2014 13:14

I think this is sad that the OP can't see how awful he is being. Your poor dc's.

He married you knowing you were a package of 3, people who get into relationships with other children involved have to be willing to take them on too or not bother. I really do hate the attitude of them being 'your' kids not mine.

Thankgod for your lovely sister and mum who obviously make your children feel very much loved and welcome.

When a new baby comes along it doesn't make two seperate sides to the familly, it just expands it. You really need to discuss this with your husband OP.

KneeQuestion · 29/06/2014 13:48

I don't like that distinction he's establishing between his step-children and child

Well he isn't really is he?

OP says the 3 yr old doesn't go on 'sleepovers', I expect that is somewhat due to his age and potential willingness for family members to have a younger child overnight and all that may entail.

None of that is down to the OPs DH is it?

If the child that is biologically his was 10 yrs old, then yes, fair point, but he isn't.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 13:56

Yes he is knee! Op kids are an inconvenience, he wants a break from them. Does he feel the same about tge youngest once which is biologically his!

MissMogwi · 29/06/2014 14:06

I can't imagine my DP ever saying that about my DD's. He knew about my DC when we met, and told me about his son.

We've gone on to make one family, and he is a better dad to my DC than their actual dad. But if he ever said or even implied they were an inconvenience he'd be out. Just as if I thought or said that about my DSS.

We do things all together but sometimes the older ones don't want to come-normal teenage behaviour. No one is ever left out.

The thing that stands out to me OP is that you admit he does see them as an inconvenience. That's horrible and you should be having strong words. I imagine your children are well aware of it too.

Dutch1e · 29/06/2014 14:15

In what ways does he show them love, kindness, and attention? So much so that he needs more 'break time' than the one or two nights a week he already gets?

This guy is dressed in red flags.

Time2beme · 29/06/2014 14:29

YANBU in keeping you children with you but are Bu by still being with a man who thinks your children are and inconvenience..

KneeQuestion · 29/06/2014 14:32

Yes he is knee! Op kids are an inconvenience, he wants a break from them. Does he feel the same about tge youngest one which is biologically his

Is the option there for the youngest [biologically his] child to go away to grannies?

No.

FryOneFatManic · 29/06/2014 14:40

KneeQuestion

We don't actually know anything other than the 3yr old has not yet had a sleepover. So, we don't know whether it was ever an option or not, whether the DCs gran would be happy to have the youngest or not.

Or, indeed, whether the DH is happy having the youngest around because of the biological connection.

KneeQuestion · 29/06/2014 14:51

Yes FryOne I have assumed somewhat on that point.

As have others on OPs DHs motivations here.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/06/2014 15:11

It makes me sad that the OP posts about how much fun the older DCs have with their grandmother and their aunt. It's obvious no one at home makes a fuss of them in the same way.

I don't think it's just the OP's H who is making them feel second-rate in their own home.

DragonMamma · 29/06/2014 15:17

Wow. Just wow.

You were going to have a holiday but leave 2 of your children behind and now that's fallen through you want to still oust them from their home to give your H a break from them?

Your behaviour is as reprehensible as his, because you are normalising his behaviour and facilitating the segregation of your poor DC's from the family unit.

And whoever said your older DC had you to themselves and so your younger DS should too, is talking absolute crap. Does that apply in non-blended families for younger siblings? Does it hell. I don't send my DD away to grannies so I can take her younger brother on holiday.

Similarly, when do the older DC get a break with their mum without this poor excuse for a man? I bet it hadn't even crossed the OP's mind that maybe they'd like to spend some time with their mum where they aren't viewed as an inconvenience!

The amount of women who subject their kids to behaviour like this astounds me. Fight for your kids FFS!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 15:22

Knee they go away to grannies or Aunts because of op dh wanting a break from them, op has said he finds them an inconvenience, read the op! The youngest dies not have sleepovers, but I expect grannies and Auntie see him too.

squoosh · 29/06/2014 15:28

He sounds like a dick. How can you tolerate him knowing he views your kids as an 'inconvenience that he puts up with'?

I feel sad for your older children.

KneeQuestion · 29/06/2014 15:34

Knee they go away to grannies or Aunts because of op dh wanting a break from them, op has said he finds them an inconvenience, read the op!

Maybe you should have a read too.

The big kids often go to my Mum's on a Friday as we have Friday night dinner there and they don't like going home late on the bus plus will get spoiled by Mum in the morning (chocolate pancakes etc

The only thing about OPs DH wanting a break from them was in relation to the break next week, where they had intended to go away but now can't. NOT in relation to them staying at grannies on a friday.

Swipe left for the next trending thread