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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to send kids to my Mum's so their step Dad can "have a break"?

153 replies

somanymiles · 28/06/2014 21:48

My DH and I had planned to spend a few days away next week and my kids were to go to my Mum's. However, we decided we were too skint to go away and would do day trips instead. He still expects my kids (who are his step children) to go to my Mum's so he can "have a break" from them. They are 12 and 15 respectively and pretty good, not rude or badly behaved. They already spend one or two nights a week at my Mum's or sister's house (Friday and Saturday this week). I think it's a bit much to expect Mum to have them for three nights when we won;t even be going away. He is in a massive sulk because he was looking forward to having a break from them. We have Wednesday-Friday off and they will be going to my Mum's on the Friday. AIBU? Should I ask Mum to take them anyway? They will be away for all of August visiting their Dad, so he will be getting a break soon anyway. We will still have DS3 with us who is three years' old.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 29/06/2014 15:51

Your DH is very unreasonable & you are unreasonable to make your children put up with this situation in their home.

Will the older children not be at school during the day anyway?

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 15:53

Dud you not read the op when she said that he finds them an inconvenience! That he was in a massive sulk as he was looking forward to a break from them!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 15:54

"He still expects my kids (who are his step children) to go to mums so he dan have a break from them!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 15:57

Op says they will be away for the whole of august at their dads, so he will be getting a break soon. What a nice attitude eh!

Nanny0gg · 29/06/2014 16:08

Have only read the OP's posts. Can't get past Yes, they are an incovenience that he puts up with. TBH while this bothers me a lot, I also realise that it must be hard to share your life with two children that are not yours.

And you married him, why?

KneeQuestion · 29/06/2014 16:27

Did you not read the op when she said that he finds them an inconvenience

Yes I read that post, did you read Finola1steps prior to that?

Infinity8 · 29/06/2014 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finola1step · 29/06/2014 16:49

Knee you are correct in that I first asked the OP if her dh thought of the children as a "necessary inconvenience". I was really shocked that she confirmed that yes, he does. I was fully expecting her to deny this and defend him but she didn't.

So all the going to Granny's and Aunties to have a lovely time is a bit of a red herring. The basic point is that the husband views his step children as an inconvenience he needs a break from, their own mother knows this and is actually facilitating it.

I suspect this is why so many PP are so upset by this thread, me included

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 17:18

I agree finola, mum is facilitating this, instead of putting a stop to,it. All this nice time at relatives, is really so op h can have a break from her kids.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 22:46

Wonder where op is?

Original poster
somanymiles · 29/06/2014 22:51

Thank you for all your helpful opinions. I will just say that although my DH knew he was marrying someone with children, and made a huge effort at the start, as someone with no children he had no idea how hard it would be, or that he would find his feelings changed after he had his own biological child. Yes, of course I put my children (all of them first) and that is why I do not want to put them though another divorce, house move etc. given that everything else is okay. They are quite happy, love to go to their grandma's, and in general content with life. While I think my DH's attitude could be better, I don't think my big kids are unduly worried by it, largely unaware and mostly think he indulges DS3 because he is the baby. Their father has lived overseas since January so they saw him during Easter but not since. Prior to that they spent part of every week with him so the shift to being full time at mine has been quite a big one. Having talked it over with the kids and my Mum I have decided they will go to my Mum's for the three days, partly because DS1 was disappointed at the thought of not going. As I said they view it as a bit of a treat going to my Mum's - no chores, no one breathing down their neck about homework or screen time! They went away with me for the last two half terms so they have had a holiday, also to the Caribbean with their Dad at Easter, so they are not holiday deprived. Hopefully DH and I can make the most of a (mostly) child free three days even though we are not going away.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 22:59

Op I feel you are skirting round tge issue and not addressing it! You yourself were bothered that your h viewed your kids as an inconvenience. You should not be sending them away regularly so your h can have a break, that is not on. You are now a family of 5. You should nit accept that from your h and should be defending your children when he speaks of them badly.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2014 23:01

You should be pulling your h up,on his attitude and not standing for it! I am glad your older kids do not notice, but eventually they might, there are a few Mumsnetters on here with similar experiences and not so good outcomes.

bloodyteenagers · 29/06/2014 23:05

Of course they know. Don't be so daft. They know because until the youngest came along things were different. Now they will know they are in the way.
They couldn't possibly be wanting to go to nan's because they know they aren't a inconvenience there. No. Of course it's a treat. They feel wanted.

It's not about being holiday deprived. It's about being wanted.

But yea carry on as things as. Just don't be surprised when the resentment kicks in.

Oh and funny that. I asked my partner if my children are in inconvenience and if he would prefer it just us and our child. If I should try and off load the older ones so they are out of the way. You know, because it must be hard..... He told me well if I think like that I am more than welcome to leave if they are an inconvenience and he will continue to raise them... Then I showed him this thread and said there is something wrong with your man. You cannot push out existing children because you decide to have one of your own.

sausageandorangepickle · 29/06/2014 23:13

I think the OP does have to be careful about how her DP views her older DC, but as the mum of 3 DC of similar ages to hers, it is sometimes nice to do things just with the little one, or just with the big ones, as they are into such different things at these ages.
We took the 2 big ones to a horse race meeting followed by a concert recently, left the little one at Grandma's, equally have left the big ones and taken the little one to the rare breeds farm to feed the cows..... - DH took DS1 and 3 to the motor racing cos DS2 wasn't interested, and I regularly take DS2 and 3 to the park, cos DS1 wants to stay in his pit bedroom.

KneeQuestion · 30/06/2014 00:34

Their father has lived overseas since January so they saw him during Easter but not since. Prior to that they spent part of every week with him so the shift to being full time at mine has been quite a big one

That would have been good in the opening post.

Quite relevant.

Most kids love going to stay with grandma [treats, relaxing etc] are they all unwanted too?

JapaneseMargaret · 30/06/2014 06:42

Great outcome then - your DH is entirely catered for, and you carry on assuming your kids don't mind, nor notice, his attitude towards them....

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 30/06/2014 06:50

I don't think your oh sounds evil. He sounds like he's stepped in for your dc's dad.

I don't think its so terrible that he wants time with you and your three yo. If your older DC go to your DM's once a week, you both get regular support and breaks so he may be a bitU.

However, the plan you both made was that your older DC would be at their gm's for three nights. The plan is still on and I don't see the big deal.

My ds is going away for a week with my sister in August; it seems like ages away. My ds has my whole heart but I'll be away like I'm escaping Alcatraz.

doziedoozie · 30/06/2014 06:54

I don't think anyone should post their views unless they are in a step parent situation.

The DH is not their father, they have a father who prob loves them dearly, they have a mother who loves them dearly, they have a step father who is a step parent and therefore more a kindly uncle type relationship.

Also I would have loved a break from my teens, but never got one, no GPs nearby. I am honest though, not hypocritical.

FrontForward · 30/06/2014 07:33

I get the point you are making Dozie and I'm not able to say that I'd love living with another person's children. So I'm not hypocritical. It is hard. However...nor would I let my children grow up knowing their presence was just tolerated in the house. If the OP hadn't said the phrase that she knows he finds it an inconvenience I wouldn't have worried so much. If she knows, you can bet the kids do.

That is intolerable

I'd like a break from kids as do many but tbh this bloke gets lots of breaks... Just what does he need? The OP freely acknowledges he is struggling and his feelings have changed. This is a problem. You can't pretend it isn't. It's what you do about it that matters. Ignoring it or pretending it isn't a problem is the biggest mistake

JapaneseMargaret · 30/06/2014 07:34

^^

riverboat1 · 30/06/2014 07:41

I think this 'inconvenience' phrase has a lot pinned to it. If he really does treat them as second class citizens in the home, and makes it clear he'd rather they weren't there, then that is awful and it is hard to see a way forward. But if it's a case of him making an effort but struggling with the realities of living with them as he hasn't realised what it really entailed to have kids in your home and life in a day to day basis, that is different. Especially in light of OP's last post about the shift from part time to full time residency.

Mutley77 · 30/06/2014 07:42

I don't think it sounds that bad. His attitude toward his SC is not good - however the older children getting a break at grandma's (when it was planned anyway and they are looking forward to it) is not necessarily a bad thing.

I have large age gaps (all bio children of both DH and I). I find I am so knackered from a day with my 1yo that by 7pm I just want to veg out with a cuppa and MN or TV - I totally see the benefit of the break from chatting, helping sort out homework, arguing about showers, sitting with children and chatting, reading or listening to stories. In our house our eldest is only 9 and evenings are less and less our own (as well as still being up early, up in the night, and physically on the go all day with the baby ! - my fault I know Grin )

By the same tune however I would be expecting the 3 yo to be going to grandma's on his/her own for sleepovers if she would be happy to have him/her! In our situ that would allow some great chilling time with the older DC.

riverboat1 · 30/06/2014 07:46

That said, reading my post back, you have a three year old so it can't be as if the overall situation is still new. I am a step parent and I understand some of where your OH is coming from, but still think its not an excuse for him acting on those feelings especially if the DC are aware of them.

How is his general relationship with the older kids OP? Do they get along OK day to day, chat/have a laugh etc, do they ignore each other, what?

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2014 07:59

It is still quite concerning that op has said that her h find her kids and inconvenience, he is in a sulk as plans have changed and he will not be getting a break from them, that is just not good is it! Even step parent on here are disagreeing with this attitude. Op has said that he indulges the youngest (his bio child), yes it's natural he is the boys father, but does he do anything with his step children! Does he take them out, make an effort now that he has his own child! I just feel op us trying to minimalise it and sweep it under the carpet, and facilitating these breaks instead of addressing the issues with her h. I am sorry he's finding it hard but he married op, and with it she comes as a package. Mabey there are some local,step parent groups he can join to meet others in the same situation.

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