Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU to want to be on the deeds of new house with DH?

143 replies

Gawainsgirl · 28/06/2014 07:41

Basically my husband is very controlling with money. My credit rating is shot (made redundant last year).

He jointly owned the house we lived in for ten years with his mother, he and I split bills etc. It was mortgage free. They have sold this joint property, MIL has bought small house for cash, husband has put his cash on deposit.

Salient facts: no dc, I own nothing, I have no bank account and am unemployed, although looking. He earns a fair bit - c60k and gives me cash.

When we buy a house soon, with his proceeds, AIBU to want to be on the deeds as I'm his wife? Or am I worrying unnecessarily and should be grateful that he's 'keeping me'?

Nickname changed as sensitive subject. Thank you!

OP posts:

LIZS · 02/07/2014 12:57

He is reluctant to pay off my cc debts as he's concerned that I won't learn if he bails me out. Some sympathy with that but you presumably have stopped spending on them and cut up the cards ? What if you took positive steps to address the issues which cause the debt otherwise if you get another job in the City will those lunches, lattes, designer stores etc simply revive bad habits and temptation.

RockandRollsuicide · 02/07/2014 13:27

How much of your debt is to do with the fact that your H was benefiting from your high earnings while saving his own? v true

tisrainingagain · 02/07/2014 17:19

Hi op and all
This thread quite triggering for me as though h and I have been married for 12 years and together for 6 before that, and I have been a SAHM to our dc for the last 12 years, he not only refuses to put me on the deeds to the house but also does not want to have a will or insurance to protect dc and I should he die. This does make me feel like he does not care about me, and also makes me feel like leaving . He is deeply mistrustful. I feel like leaving purely so that I can get a proper handle on my own financial security and future. We also have other issues but I do think that if that one was solved I would feel a lot more loved!
I hope you sort things out in a way which empowers you OP. Do you love your husband and want to stay with him?

Original poster

Gawainsgirl · 02/07/2014 21:46

Hi, just wanted to say that I'm reading and absorbing, which is why I love Mumsnet.

I'll reply in more depth when I can. Thank you.

OP posts:

maddening · 02/07/2014 22:23

He needs to teach you a lesson? Lots of people have debt - you could afford it and you still can as a couple - what lesson do you need to learn - redundancy unavoidable it's not like you got yourself sacked. What if it was an illness - equally unavoidable. In situations like this you pull together - he has shown his true colours though so once you are back earning then think about the relationship.

I don't know whether you should let him know how you feel -give him a chance to address his behaviour - depends whether you are really disengaging from him - just use the time to sort your situation and get a job and move on maybe without the drama in the meantime.

Maybe ask him how he felt it would have played out if roles were reversed?

maddening · 02/07/2014 22:25

Ps do not have children with him until you know that you can be vulnerable with him - if it ended he would continue to control you for the next twenty years financially through the children.

RockandRollsuicide · 02/07/2014 22:49

In situations like this you pull together

This is what I cant understand its more like father and child, paternalistic not an equal partnership.

LeoandBoosmum · 03/07/2014 02:17

Couldn't read all the responses but why does he have such a lack of faith in you when it comes to you getting a job? That in itself makes me think he's a bit of a controller that prefers to keep you down? Maybe I've got it wrong, like I said I can't read it all.

ChelsyHandy · 03/07/2014 08:24

I don't understand why you would want to be on the title deeds along with a man you openly dislike. I can understand why you might want him to make a will in favour of you, but if he buys with a mortgage (and if he wants a bigger/better house than his cash deposit alone provides) its not going to happen. Mortgage applications are a lot stricter now and involve very searching questions about applicants' finances. You dont even have a proper bank account (which is extraordinary and presumably not simply a result of your current cc debts) or a job. Any sensible advice to your DH would be to keep you off the deeds - also in case you are a bankruptcy risk and he ends up losing the house.

if my DH were behaving as you are, id find it incredibly stressful, id lose a lot of respect for him and id remind him that his main problems are not who is on the title deeds, but his lack of job, bank accounts and poor record of dealing with his own finances. Id quite possibly leave him if it went on long enough. Id feel utterly used and any insistence on the title deeds might send me over the edge - id wonder if he was using it as a means of creating financial security for himself because he hadn't bothered to do so.himself.

You haven't done badly out of DH and MIL really - you lived in their house for ten years (did you pay rent?), you live off your DH now (although I sympathise about the redundancy) but i think you need to face up to your real problem, which is the state of your own personal finances. How long have you been without a bank account and why did it come about? How on earth did you get paid in your last job if you didn't have a bank account?

The only way i can see that you would get on the title deeds is if your DH bought for cash, without a mortgage. Which considering ge earns 60k means he would have to buy something potentially 180 k less because of it. But putting you on the title deeds with your history of debt and lack of personal bank account would be idiocy. Would you even be thinking of contributing to the mortgage? Id be mortified if i were you, i don't think i could use someone in that way as my conscience wouldn't let me, but then ive never got myself into such a financial mess as you.

Original poster

Gawainsgirl · 06/07/2014 14:14

We've decided to get divorced. Thanks for all your help and support x

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/07/2014 14:30

Wow, there's a bombshell. Are you ok OP?

StandsOnGoldenSands · 06/07/2014 14:30

So sorry to hear that Gawainsgirl. How are you feeling?

Original poster

Gawainsgirl · 06/07/2014 23:20

Not really OK, but basically he is bullying me and I want out before I have kids. Scared of the future, tbh

OP posts:

StandsOnGoldenSands · 07/07/2014 17:20

You are definitely doing the right thing. Keep posting for support!

IamSlave · 07/07/2014 18:49

gawain really really sorry to hear that.

However i would not want my DD to be married to such a man, and if you were a good friend I would be worried about you.

Very brave, I hope your OK....if its not good now...it never wil be and children will make it worse not better.

Hissy · 07/07/2014 19:58

Fwiw, I think you are doing the right thing.

It's sad now, but imagine how you'd be if young children were in the mix.

Get legal advice as to your situation.

Original poster

Gawainsgirl · 07/07/2014 23:16

Thanks for all the hand-holding, which is very much appreciated.

I've posted over on Money to ask about practicalities.

Thanks again x

OP posts:

IamSlave · 08/07/2014 20:43

Good Luck and update us if you can

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6