AIBU to want to be on the deeds of new house with DH?

[Gawainsgirl]

Basically my husband is very controlling with money. My credit rating is shot (made redundant last year).

He jointly owned the house we lived in for ten years with his mother, he and I split bills etc. It was mortgage free. They have sold this joint property, MIL has bought small house for cash, husband has put his cash on deposit.

Salient facts: no dc, I own nothing, I have no bank account and am unemployed, although looking. He earns a fair bit - c60k and gives me cash.

When we buy a house soon, with his proceeds, AIBU to want to be on the deeds as I'm his wife? Or am I worrying unnecessarily and should be grateful that he's 'keeping me'?

Nickname changed as sensitive subject. Thank you!

Did your husband close the joint bank account as you were spending unsustainably and running up huge debts? Has your husband used all his own money to buy the house?
Will you need to ever contribute to paying off the cost of the house?

Dh and I bought a house, me contributing half and dh half, I had to be put on the mortgage to be on the deeds.

I stopped earning when I stopped work. It didn't stop me having credit cards and bank accounts, but then I didn't get myself into debt. I don't understand how you can have no savings if you lived in a mortgage free house with your DH for 10 years. Surely if you were a high earner and only had bills to split (no mortgage) you must have had plenty of income to save before you lost your job. What about your redundancy money?

I don't think it's fair to automatically label the DH as being financially abusive. He may just be very wary about adding someone who seems to be bad with money onto the deeds. Ditto the joint account. If you got the account overdrawn his credit rating could be affected and then you really would have problems.

Closed bank account as wanted to control outgoings. I totally understand that.

Thanks for concrete suggestions too: I got myself into this, I need to get out of it.

TBH if you ran up huge debts and he has had to pay them off I don't blame him for closing joint accounts. For you not to be able to get a bank account in your own right those debts must have been huge. I'd be doing the same as him so that you can not get into even further debt.

As someone as already said in England you can't go on the deeds if you are not on the mortgage.

In essence, he is paying for the house and you are living in it for free with no children and getting your board and lodging paid for too.

If you were not married I would say he should not put you on the deeds or indeed allow you anywhere near his finances and I agree that if this were a woman paying for everything and having man live with her for free there would be plenty of people on MN asking what the heck the woman was even doing living with this man.

BUT.....

You are married and bad luck has put you in the position you are in. For better for worse, for richer for poorer, etc.

If you intend to have DCs I really do think you should be on the deeds. Children change everything in that equation. You would then be in the position of millions of SAHMs - you need financial security and I do not expect your DH to change his ways if you get pregnant. I suspect that MIL is behind a lot of this. She gave him the money and wants to make sure you don't get your hands on it.

My bigger question is whether you want to live for the rest of your life with a man who controls you. You sound like you are very dependent emotionally and financially and perhaps too have some other issues that make you vulnerable.

Personally I think you need to evaluate what is in the marriage for you, not just an emotional crutch and free board and lodging. Its not a marriage if that is all it is - its you being a live in girl friend on the understanding you pay half the bills. A lot of women are in this position.

I am a man and I know a lot of men are doing exactly what your DH is doing. They deliberately make sure that even if married their wife is still in the position of 'live in girlfriend' expected to pay half the bills. They never change this mindset even if the woman has children with him.

Why are you waiting until September to network?

Why not now?

What is your job so we can help with suggestions?

What happened to your redundancy money?

Gawain - did your DH clear your debt? Do you still have unpaid debt?

DH may well be worried unknown creditors try to attach debts to your home once you go on the deeds.

If you do have any debts and no assets and no income I strongly advise you go to the Citizens advice Bureau and ask about a DRO or a bankruptcy. DRO is cheaper and quicker.

A bankruptcy or DRO It will wipe out your debts completely and give you a fresh start. If you have unpaid debt hanging over you then you will find it impossible to repair your credit record.

I don't think there is any reason why the mortgage can't be in joint names as long as the combined income is enough. Here we have £60k plus £0. The borrowers are jointly and severally liable , meaning lender can pursue both or one.

The lenders might even prefer it as it's easier to call up the loan if there is a default. Both are borrowers ergo both have defaulted. Also as joint borrowers you will both have been warned when loan was taken out of dangers of default. If only husband is the defaulting borrower there are hoops to go through both at initial stage and at calling up.

Its hard to comment on this OP, without knowing how much of your money problems are down to bad luck and how much to very poor money management.

If either me or my DH lost our jobs, either before or once we had DCs, we would support each other fully. No qualms about that at all.

However, if we got into money problems as a result of severe irresponsibility by one of us, then I would imagine the 'responsible' one may take a lead in managing the finances.

However, I can't imagine a situation where it would be OK to not have any kind of bank account! This does make me think your H is financially controlling. Sort this out now OP, WELL before having DCs.

"He won't put me on deeds due to his wanting absolute control over all finances" - or due to not wanting to end up, in the event of a split, giving half of his house, paid for with his money, to someone who has contributed nothing to it?

It would be different if you had children, but you don't.

I don't see this as a controlling husband issue. I see this as a man who works, earns a comfortable income, who is married to a woman who is unemployed and irresponsible with money and who doesn't want her taking him down the swaney with him or to the cleaners should the marriage fail.

You can have a bank account, btw. A "basic account" will give you most of the features of a regular current account (direct debits, standing orders, internet banking) without a credit check or permitting you to get into any debt again.

I'd be doing the same in your DHs position tbh, especially as you don't have a job and you don't have children together.

I owned my house outright before I got married, and as I have children from a previous relationship my DH will not be going on the deeds of my house. He has also run up significant debt in the past, its paid off now, but while I was willing to help him pay it off, I would not risk mine and my children's future security for anything.

This is not me being controlling, and if it is, then in don't see a problem with wanting to control my own money and assests. It's sensible, not controlling. I'd have a major problem with a man that thought he had any right to something he didn't earn, or contribute to just because he'd put a ring on my finger. I love my husband dearly, but he's a grown up with his own earning potential and responsibility for himself, there is no need for me to effectively give him half my house.

Woowoo did you actually discuss what you said with your dh as a reason for your behaviour?

it seems ops DH is just taking control and doing all of this.

she is his wife he married her ....this part of her history is also his.

they are supposed to be a team supporting each other.

Or am I worrying unnecessarily and should be grateful that he's 'keeping me'?

what a sad comment.

Your a married team.

I feel sad for you that you feel this way...and sad that your dh is treating you like this.

no wonder you have no confidence.

as for for the deeds I think the poster who said you may not be allowed on could be right, you need to call bank and deeds place to ask.

there is no point upsetting yourself if you couldnt go on it anyway..find out...then plan your next move.

Its really sad people think its OK that your husband thinks its ok to leave you with no finacial security...really sad.

I see this as a man who works, earns a comfortable income, who is married to a woman who is unemployed and irresponsible with money and who doesn't want her taking him down the swaney with him or to the cleaners should the marriage fail he married her.

What do you mean 'my behaviour'? You make it sound as if I'm doing something wrong here.

And yes, of course I told my husband, long before we got married, that it would always protect my financial assets for myself and my children. If he hadn't have completely supported that and agreed that it was completely understandable and sensible for me to do so, we'd never have got married. I would never have married him if I thought for a second he would want anything out of me financially.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to control your own money and assets, especially when your spouse has proved themselves to be completely irresponsible with money. OP admits that she was a high earner and a high spender, nobody made her get into debt, and it's none else's responsibility sort it out for her.

I actually think it smacks of being a gold digger to expect to be on the deeds of a house that you have contributed nothing towards, even if you are married. The divorce rate is sadly high in this country, and people do have to think about what would happen if their marriage doesn't work out.

Usually on

"This is not me being controlling, and if it is, then in don't see a problem with wanting to control my own money and assests. It's sensible, not controlling. I'd have a major problem with a man that thought he had any right to something he didn't earn, or contribute to just because he'd put a ring on my finger. I love my husband dearly, but he's a grown up with his own earning potential and responsibility for himself, there is no need for me to effectively give him half my house."

^ What she said!

Thank you WooWooOwl, that is exactly what I was trying to say.

CarpetBagger, in the absence of information to the contrary I'm taking it that the OP is adult, able-bodied and intellectually competent. She's not some poor little fragile child or dependent elderly relative, she's capable. Why on earth is it "sad, in these days of equality, that her husband is unwilling to risk losing his home and all he has worked for?

On these threads I'm very much inclined to keeping everything separate which is what husband and I have done happily for 26 years. The difference for us is we both had an income at the same level when we met and have both had an income, increasing at much the same rate, throughout. The members of our "team" are individually financially independent of each other.

I think if you get married knowing your spouse has no income then your "team" should accommodate that without one being controlling over the other.

I find it sad that people have to protect themselves from a relationship split. What are we doing wrong nowadays? Obviously abuse in any firm should not be tolerated but in my grans day I bet divorce was very rare.

I agree Fluffy, it is sad, but hopefully for most of us it's just like having an insurance policy. You hope not to have your car stolen, or be burgled, and you do everything within your power to prevent those things, but sometimes shit happens and it's only sensible to protect yourself.

If the worst never happens, then it's not a problem. If it does and you have something to lose, then you will be glad you have protected yourself. If you have nothing to lose, you're no worse off.

you can get a basic bank account

have you claimed your contribution related job seekers?

as more beta says, if you still have substantial debt and dont own any assets THINK about bankruptcy but not if you ever want to work in the financial industry.

work out what you can do now to find a job. is your cv perfect? who are your contacts from previous role. you can easily explain 6mths without a job "house renovation" "travelling"

whether he puts your name on the deeds or not will not effect division of assets should you divorce.

Joint names on the deeds will make things a lot simpler were anything to happen to him. My dad died a couple of years ago after a long illness and it was one small thing making it easier for my mum to deal with after his death.

I'd suggest each of you make a will as well, if you have not made one already.