AIBU to want to be on the deeds of new house with DH?

[Gawainsgirl]

Basically my husband is very controlling with money. My credit rating is shot (made redundant last year).

He jointly owned the house we lived in for ten years with his mother, he and I split bills etc. It was mortgage free. They have sold this joint property, MIL has bought small house for cash, husband has put his cash on deposit.

Salient facts: no dc, I own nothing, I have no bank account and am unemployed, although looking. He earns a fair bit - c60k and gives me cash.

When we buy a house soon, with his proceeds, AIBU to want to be on the deeds as I'm his wife? Or am I worrying unnecessarily and should be grateful that he's 'keeping me'?

Nickname changed as sensitive subject. Thank you!

It's foolish to intentionally blinker yourself to that possibility

agree but if its your over riding fear to the point where your wife/dh feels like op does, ie left with no confidence and under valued - remembering she was made redundant..then I do not think you should have got married in the first place.

Her dh should be shoring her up, supporting her emotionally as well as financially and they should both be working to get through this horrid time.

Instead she has to ask for £10 to get a train for an interview...he speaks down to her, she has come on here feeling like a looser

Its not working for her her DH sounds like an idiot.
If this is what some of you call being prudent....I call it disgusting and not to my mind how a married partner should be left feeling.

The DH should of course be supporting her emotionally and should not be talking down to her, but that is an entirely separate issue to the one about the deeds of the house.

If anything, the state of their relationship is all the more reason why OP shouldn't be on the deeds of the house. Why would she want to take anything from someone who talks down to her when she hasn't contributed to that thing at all? Taking it would be an even bigger way to lose self respect IMO.

Yes, that's why I suggested to the OP that she should think about splitting up with her DH now. The relationship doesn't seem to be making either the OP or her DH happy.

If this is what he's like, I wonder if the husband has made a Will?

I agree with WooWooOwl. I'm guessing the OP was on £50k a year as an events manager in the City. From the OP she lived in the house with her DH and his mother for 10 years, splitting the bills but no mortgage to pay. Sorry but she pissed a hell of a lot of money away in those 10 years if she also ran up credit card bills - what £3k a month on clothes, shoes, holidays etc? Can you ebay this stuff? I don't blame her husband for not putting her on the deeds.

He shouldn't be talking down to you but equally if you were made redundant last year and haven't found a job in all that time to bring anything in I don't know what to think. You say you're told you're over qualified. Take your degree off your CV and go and temp somewhere and bring something in. You're presumably a commutable distance to London if you worked in the City so it is possible to get something.

The problem is we don't know all the details. No doubt the OP will come on here and explain away the points I make above but based on what I do know I don't blame your DH. If I was his mother too I'd be very concerned about him having kids with you, sorry.

No, OP, you're not a bad person, but you are clearly not financially savvy if you've got yourself into credit card debt on a high salary with low outgoings. Hence why it is entirely acceptable to limit the amount of damage you can do.

I'm with your husband on this one.

If you won't be putting any money into the house, then I don't see why you should entitled to 50% of its value.

Concentrate on getting back on your feet, and when you are working again you can discuss being put on the deeds.

Look into opening a current account with Barclays. I'm not sure about now, but they used to be more lenient than the other banks about credit scores.

In case of divorce, you'd still be entitled to half of everything, right?

Wrong. A commonly held myth that this is the case. There are many factors which are taken into consideration during divorce and financial remedy.

Your credit rating won't be shot just because of redundancy.

Make sure you are on the electoral roll and get a bank account.

If you can trust yourself get a credit card and make a small purchase each month that you pay off in full when the bull cones in. This will improve your credit rating over someone who has no credit.

If you are married I think all assets should be shared.

If dh isn't prepared to share his assets with you is question his commitment to you.

Surely when a couple get married or have a child together then they should both be 'all in'? Not saying, 'yes, I love you, I want to share everything with you, but not ...' and then withhold something?

In this case it's money he's holding back. It could be affection or time or honesty or fidelity.

It kind of shows that he isn't really fully committed to the marriage.

If the op is a careless spendthrift then there are ways for the couple to protect their current finances without her being treated like a naughty kid being given the odd handout. And she should then be looking at ways to step up and clear the debt as responsibly as possible.

When I got married I was the one with a deposit for a house - dh had nothing but an overdraft to contribute. It never occurred to me for a second not to have everything shared between us.

Hi, I just want to clarify one thing: I didn't start this post in order to find out what I could grasp in case of divorce. I'd be totally fair if it comes to it. We have no kids and I'm not disabled.

I feel hurt (or did) about the deeds: I changed my name against my wishes, which has no financial consequence, but I can now see that I am being unreasonable.

All this "trusting your partner".

Well, the trust should be both ways, surely? Should he hold ally he cards (salaried job AND house)?

If she ought to trust him, well obviously eh ought to trusts her too. That would a reason for putting the entire house in her name, no? I mean, if not, why would he not trust her?

Or are you all saying the woman should trust the man, but the man can make sure his own back is covered?

I trust DH, he trusts me. He has a good career and salary, I own the house outright. This means not one person holds all the cards.

Having my "running shoes" on (as mentioned above), means I don't ever feel trapped, or need to run.

then again, I am not British so I lack that romantic sense of "aw! dontcha trust me honey?!", which I think is cute and it is one of those things I love about the English, but also....guys, get a bit pragmatic maybe?!

you not being on the deeds does mean any enforcement action taken against you won't affect the house which may be part of his thinking . but giving you no access to any money is not on at all. His lack of respect for you as well is something that I couldn't live with.

I think your DH is being reasonable about the deeds.

I do not however think it's fair the way you have described him doling out money to you.

Do you run the household? How does money work that way? Do you do the bulk of the errands?

I would suggest that you have a frank conversation with him, with the goal of setting out an agreed budget for household spends which you have access to (joint account, cash card, pot in kitchen etc), as well as personal money for you which you do not have to answer for or ask for mini amounts here and there as you have described.

Even if he is the only one earning, it should still be classed as joint income in the sense that if one day you were a sahm, it would be unfair for you to have no access to money without asking first.

I don't know if you intend to have DC, but I would consider your DH's financial approach seriously before you do.

Also, how bad are your debts? You haven't really painted a detailed enough picture to say whether DH is justified in his decisions or not.

Your credit rating won't be shot just because of redundancy.

No, but the OP has said that she has credit card debts, which DH is paying a little off from to keep the bailiffs away.

OP you need to get a basic bank account and use that.

Monday morning priority - sort out a bank account.

For those who asked, personal debts of 10k

Thanks again

Barclays Cash Card account looks favourite

I am on the deeds and named on the mortgage for the house I own with my dp. However, I was not 'credit checked' for the mortgage, we did it only on his salary as I am on a temporary contract so probably wouldn't have had a great credit rating. So you can have your name on the deeds, the mortgage and legally own your own share of the house without being included in credit checks for a mortgage or making contributions. Also I would have thought that if you are married you would be legally entitled to half the house anyway?

I am applying for anything and everything: low-income jobs won't take me as I'm "over qualified" and "will get bored" and I'm finding it hard to get interviews in my profession.

OP, just sign on with a work agency.

None of them care about over qualified workers because the jobs are only temporary anyway.

Have you tried getting a job with a high street retailer or one of the big supermarkets? They certainly don't worry about people being too qualified. My friend's DH was made redundant from a high-powered job and is now working for one of the big four (as am I).

Oh, FGS, it's only £10k? You can get a debt relief order :)

Bank account.
Ring Step Change.
Talk to friends.
Leave horrid husband.

Quite a busy Monday, then!

I did not share my assets with DH when we married. It's not we don't trust each other, or either of us want an exit plan, it's more the fact is it's pretty irrelevant long term. My will states that if I die the DC get the house, but DH has the right to live in it, or any property bought with the proceeds, rent and mortgage free.

I do actually control the money. Totally. Purely because I have a way with money and can balance debts and savings so they work for us. We're financially OK even on one not very big salary.

Also DH had been married before. He had everything in joint names then, but still lost the house and marital assets in the divorce. So for him having joint everything doesn't equal financial protection.

So I don't always think things are as simple as "you're married, it should be 50:50

get back on your feet, O/P, get some self respect back and go from there.

GarlicJunoWho - wow, didn't know thar existed! Special love to you.