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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to be on the deeds of new house with DH?

143 replies

Gawainsgirl · 28/06/2014 07:41

Basically my husband is very controlling with money. My credit rating is shot (made redundant last year).

He jointly owned the house we lived in for ten years with his mother, he and I split bills etc. It was mortgage free. They have sold this joint property, MIL has bought small house for cash, husband has put his cash on deposit.

Salient facts: no dc, I own nothing, I have no bank account and am unemployed, although looking. He earns a fair bit - c60k and gives me cash.

When we buy a house soon, with his proceeds, AIBU to want to be on the deeds as I'm his wife? Or am I worrying unnecessarily and should be grateful that he's 'keeping me'?

Nickname changed as sensitive subject. Thank you!

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 28/06/2014 11:31

whether he puts your name on the deeds or not will not effect division of assets should you divorce.

Yes, it will.

A judge may award half a house to someone who isn't on the deeds in the event of a divorce, but equally they might not. Especially when there are no children involved and one party can prove that the other had the ability to contribute but didn't because they spent too much on personal luxuries. Marriage is not a guarantee of owning half of something that belongs to someone else.

CarpetBagger · 28/06/2014 11:32

there would be plenty of people on MN asking what the heck the woman was even doing living with this man

surely we are worth more than the actual money we earn or is this how we judge peoples worth these days?

woo you can surely see your situation is totally different to the ops and you have said you spoke nad laid your cards on the table about your attitude to your finances from the word go.

op has not had this.

is this why people get married, so the person just brings cash in.....

Purplepoodle · 28/06/2014 11:34

Is he helping you pay off the debts? My partner came to our marriage with a chunk of debt and we budgeted for it together

CarpetBagger · 28/06/2014 11:36

oP

I wonder if he sees that the marriage has future, he seems to be hedging his bets.

WooWooOwl · 28/06/2014 11:38

Of course I can see that my situation is different, but if I didn't have children with my ex then my position with my DH would still be the same. I'd still want to protect my own assets even without having dc to consider. And if that were the case, then I'd resent it being implied that I am controlling.

OPs DH isn't trying to control his wife or her money or her assets. He's trying to be responsible for his own earnings and money that has come from his own family.

I honestly think that some of these responses would be different if OP was in her DHs position and was posting that her unemployed husband was trying to get his name on her house despite the fact that shes completely supporting him and had pulled him out of debt.

WooWooOwl · 28/06/2014 11:39

And yes I laid my cards on the table, but can we be sure that OPs DH knew when they got married the extent of her debt? She doesn't say.

CarpetBagger · 28/06/2014 11:43

but if I didn't have children with my ex then my position with my DH would still be the same. I'd still want to protect my own assets even without having dc to consider

I see.

I think its un romantic and I think people are worth more than the cash they pull in to a marriage.

in your situation woo with children from previous marriage I would probably do the same as you, however in ops situation I think she has been devalued as a human and side lined.....

I dont think anyone has any business marrying someone they dont actually trust, no wonder marriages are ending in divorce if people marry people they dont trust, want to help or want to share things with.

Moreisnnogedag · 28/06/2014 11:45

My DH is not on the deeds as he's not on the mortgage and his credit rating would have adversely affected the amount I borrowed. I do have a will and insurance so that in the event of my death he gets the house mortgage free. In case of a split we have a child, he is the main caregiver so I imagine if have to leave. I 'control' the amount he has as we are on a tight budget.

Without DC, I'm not sure you should get half the house especially if he's paid off your debts.

Original poster
Gawainsgirl · 28/06/2014 11:54

Hi, to save you scrolling back , I'm the OP. Lots of great advice and issues here. To confront some of the questions:

  1. I was an Events Manager in the City of London - conferences, seminars, client dinners, sports events etc. My last role was made redundant when I'd been there less than a year, hence money problems. Yes, I've been foolish and a spendthrift, but I'm not a bad person.
  2. I fully accept my husband protecting his assets, but I just feel humiliated asking him for £20 to get a train to London for an interview, or £10 to get my suit cleaned, or shoes soled etc.
  3. I used to be incredibly confident, but my husband thinks I'll never get a job so talks to me accordingly.
  4. MIL is an issue, you are right, he's an only child of an only child and she comes first.
  5. Reading that back, I would advise me to walk away. However, I don't have friends and family to back me up - my Mum is widowed and 200 miles away, and my friends all have kids and lives of their own. Enough for now, I don't want to sound self pitying, just need a "You're not a loser" push!
OP posts:
Original poster
Gawainsgirl · 28/06/2014 11:55

One more thing: he paid off the J a/c overdraft with house proceeds, but not my credit cards, although he is paying £10 here and there to keep the baliffs away.

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 28/06/2014 11:58

So he's paid the overdraft but only throws enough crumbs at the bailiffs to keep them at bay? And talks to you like shit? Is that right?

He's a pig! And with due respect, you need to get yourself on your feet and out of this dependent situation as it will not get any better.

WooWooOwl · 28/06/2014 11:59

I'm quite happy to be un romantic when it comes to hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of house, we manage to get romance in much cheaper ways that doesn't significantly advantage one of us wheel disadvantaging the other.

People absolutely are worth more than the cash they bring to a marriage, which is why we have left the cash out if it.

GarlicJunoWho · 28/06/2014 12:00

Actually I think you need to be worrying more about having a husband who doesn't trust you - or isn't willing to share with his wife - or doesn't expect the marriage to last - however you want to frame it. Instead of trying to force his hand, I suggest you bite a few bullets and take control of your own life.

I completely understand how you feel. I was in a comparable sort of situation: very high earner & high spender; knocked for six by redundancy & illness; financially manipulative husband. My life is unrecognisable now but I have (almost!) come to terms with my circumstances. It's taken far, far too long and my husband was very much part of the reason. I didn't realise at the time how badly he'd undermined me. My priorities were all out of place, and that's the way he wanted them. My advice is to do your benefits check, ask around your friends to see whether anyone will either sub you for the deposit on a cheap flat and stand as guarantor, or rent you a spare room. Sofa surf for a few months if you have to.

A husband who's first thought is to protect his assets rather than his wife is not a good one. I think you'll get a grip on things much faster when removed from a situation where money can't be separated from emotion.

FWIW I was on the deeds of our home and paid half, although the mortgage was in his name (15 years ago.) I had leverage, though, as he couldn't sustain the mortgage by himself. It was unwise of me to even fight that battle - the very fact there was an argument showed how he was thinking.

BravePotato · 28/06/2014 12:00

Am I wrong in thinking that it doesn't matter if you are o the deeds?

In case of divorce, you'd still be entitled to half of everything, right?

Yet by not being on the deeds, you are not responsible for any debt if the mortgage payment falls in arrears.

I would focus on getting independence back, having your own bank account and some kind of job, any job really, to get your independence back. then build from there.

GarlicJunoWho · 28/06/2014 12:01

Phew - glad to see a couple of other posters are thinking the same! I was getting a bit worried about the tone of page 1.

Original poster
Gawainsgirl · 28/06/2014 12:02

One more point - we are renting whilst we buy a new house, hence the deeds question. So actually there is no house to split, if the worst did happen.

OP posts:
GarlicJunoWho · 28/06/2014 12:03

OMG, I typed who's for whose! The internet has fucked my grammar at last Blush

WooWooOwl · 28/06/2014 12:04

Why does your husband think you'll never get a job?

Are you doing everything possible to find one? Why are you waiting until September to 'network'?

You really aren't a loser, you have proved yourself capable of holding a successful career, you just need to get back on track with that. Don't rely on your husband to give you confidence, earn it for yourself. He should be supporting you emotionally in that and if he isn't then maybe you should rethink the relationship, but I don't think him not wanting to gift you half his house makes him controlling or a bad person.

SteeleyeSpanx · 28/06/2014 12:26

WooWoo,

I do kind of see where you're coming from, but I fear your approach will be a self-fulfilling prophesy...

If you conduct a marriage while mentally having your bags packed and running shoes on, it is this that will be the undoing of the relationship in and of itself.

I have wholeheartedly thrown my lot in with DH, we are a team and everything is shared, because, well, I love and trust him.

I would be quite offended if he thought I was going to take him to the cleaners should we split. Ironically, if anything were likely to cause the failure of my marriage, it would be precisely this absence of trust...

WooWooOwl · 28/06/2014 12:43

My approach has nothing to do with how much or how little I trust my husband though. We do trust each other wholeheartedly, and because we love each other we both know that we would never see the other go without. He earns way more than me, and we do support each other equally. There just isn't the need for me to put my DH on the deeds of the house because we both be live that we will be married until one if us dies anyway. It would be a waste of money and time that we'd rather use elsewhere getting solicitors to sort it out.

Like I said earlier, it's like insurance. I don't go around convinced that my house has been broken into every time I get home, or think that my car will be missing every time I leave it in a car park, but I still have insurance just in case.

I don't really understand why OP wants or needs her name on the deeds of the house. She either trusts that she has a good marriage and as she loves and trusts her husband wouldn't want to take anything from him and will have security anyway, or she mentally has her bags packed and wants to get what she can out of him financially when they divorce.

Sollers · 28/06/2014 12:49

I think it's wholly sensible and right to think about your financial security in the event of a breakdown in your relationship. Yes, it's unromantic, but romance doesn't pay the bills.

As it happens, I'm kind of in the OP's position, but reversed. I am currently the sole earner in our relationship and will continue to be for some time (DP is starting up a new business which will take a few years at least to start making money). I pay all the bills and we split any extra as spending money. Our house is in my name because DP's credit rating and earning potential would negatively affect the mortgage. I want us to get married so that if anything happens to me, he'll inherit the house (not in UK so different inheritance law applies). He's not bothered.

If he was actively trying to get on the deeds of the house while contributing nothing towards it, however, I would find that odd and would probably think that he was planning on a split in the future.

Sorry OP but I think you really need to start sorting out your own financial mess asap. You also don't seem to even like your DH that much, so maybe the best thing for both of you is to split up?

CarpetBagger · 28/06/2014 12:54

I don't really understand why OP wants or needs her name on the deeds of the house

you share in marriage and have and want security.

op please dont have dc with this man,...if he is treating you like this now,,,,it will be even worse when your trapped wth dc

CarpetBagger · 28/06/2014 12:55

I think it's wholly sensible and right to think about your financial security in the event of a breakdown in your relationship

I do not think you should be going into a relationship planing for its break down, well a relationship but certainly not marriage.

WooWooOwl · 28/06/2014 13:05

If you aren't planning on a relationship breakdown, then why do you need security.

I think your points contradict each other.

The only reason OP would need to be on the deeds of the house is for security for herself if they split, so if she hasn't gone into the relationship planning for a split, then she won't need to be on the deeds.

You can't have it both ways.

They are either in a loving and trusting relationship in which case OP can feel secure in the knowledge that her DH will financially support her, or they are in a relationship that she doesn't think is going to least and the only reason she'd want her name on the deeds of the house is so that she gets half of his property if they split.

Sollers · 28/06/2014 13:05

I have life insurance so that if I die my mortgage will be repaid. I am not planning on dying (well, not before I've paid my mortgage off anyway). It's a contingency plan in case the worst happens.

In the same way, planning on what happens in the event of a relationship/marriage breakdown is a contingency plan in case the worst happens.

I hope that I won't die until I'm very old. I hope my relationship continues to be happy for as long as both live. But people do die young, and people do get divorced. It's foolish to intentionally blinker yourself to that possibility.