Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh fuck. Had a massive argument with ds. Said things I shouldn't. Now I don't know where he is

131 replies

snorkyorky · 27/06/2014 21:52

It's pissing down. He doesn't have a coat or a phone. My husband has gone to look for him but he really could be anywhere. What do I actually do? He's 16. Just finished GCSEs

OP posts:
aderynlas · 28/06/2014 09:05

Glad hes back. I wouldnt worry too much about the storming off in a huff. I would worry about how he treats your four year old. Agree with the thought that if your ex is so bad you dont want to contact him ever, then its probably best not to suggest your son go and live there. Hope you get the chance to talk today and sort things out.

Molio · 28/06/2014 14:42

I'm completely with Canthisonebeused.

Also, the term 'abuse' in this context is really very unpleasant. Given the connotations of proper abuse, the word shouldn't be bandied around to describe the situation here. The DS is 16, he's upset and he needs his mum to understand him and demonstrate that she cares. He no doubt quite naturally sees the two half-siblings as usurping him in his mum's affections. It's not like he has a dad to get support from. This may be bullying but it's extremely common even in traditional families where there has been no particular trauma. However it isn't 'abuse'. He's also just finished GCSEs with the added distraction of a new baby in the house - not easy.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/06/2014 15:17

Molio

"You are so ugly. You make me sick"

"No one likes you. No one wants you"

This is what the op has said her 16 yr old son calls his 3 year old brother.

And you saying that describing it as "abuse" Is "very unpleasant".

I would say the word "abuse" Is bang on the money. It made me almost cry, as I have a 3 year old and he's a sensitive soul. A baby in so many respects. As I imagine the Op's son is too.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/06/2014 15:18

Or are you of the mindset that "sticks and stones may break my bones..."?

BOFster · 28/06/2014 15:36

"It's not like he has a dad to get support from" Hmm- give me strength, his stepdad has looked after him (pretty well by the sound of it) for NINE YEARS. He was laughing and joking with him five minutes after being picked up by him, or did you miss that bit? He needs his mum? He needs a kick up the arse and telling to eat his own bloody dinner when his mother cooks it, not scran down somebody else's.

There should be CONSEQUENCES for him if he bullies his younger brother, OP- this needs stronger action than just trying to reassure the little one. For all I know, you do this anyway, but you haven't mentioned. I do know though that the wrath of Khan has always descended in my house on anybody speaking to other family members with disrespect- it is the only immutable law I've ever insisted on. Two young adults have emerged from this pitiless regime (through all the exam years too) as pretty delightful and well-functioning human beings, so it is very much worth making a priority of it.

macdoodle · 28/06/2014 15:51

Do you have an older child? Because this kind of teasing/bullying/name calling is extremely common in sibs (of any kind in any kind of family).
The older child is also a child, and I too am shocked at calling it abuse, and suggesting he should be "thrown out" if it doesnt stop.
I hate it when my older is cruel to my younger, but its certainly not abuse and I wouldnt dream of making the younger one the "more important one" or getting rid of my older one.
Think some posters need to get a serious grip. I feel sorry for the older lad, teens have such a hard time, without all the added family shit, he sounds very unhappy.
OP I feel for you, teens are a nightmare, I have also told my 13yr old to go and live with her father (who is as obnoxious as yours sounds), but they do know how to push our buttons. I am told it gets better, I sincerely hope so, I keep telling myself my lovely girl is in there somewhere and will come back soon :)
I do try and spend some 1 to 1 time with her, without the little one around. Unfortunately this usually means bribery with a shopping trip, lunch or cinema but its usually worth it!

macdoodle · 28/06/2014 15:52

Sorry that was to coffee with a 3yr old sensitive soul.

BOFster · 28/06/2014 16:05

That is good advice, macdoodle; I totally agree about the one-to-one time.

Original poster
snorkyorky · 28/06/2014 16:14

Thanks for all the replies. I'm still reading.

I have apologised for my actions but also had a long chat about some of the underlying issues - way he speaks to dc2, his laziness but also the fact that I'm knackered and am feeling especially ropey at the mo as my periods have just restarted after dc3.

I don't know what the answer is really re the way he speaks to dc2. I'm the eldest of 4 but with a big age gap so in many ways felt like an only. DH is an only so neither of us are that confident in knowing what's normal. I've heard friends say awful things about the ways they were treated by older siblings. I did speak to him at length this morning about it though and he's agreed to tone it down.

OP posts:
Original poster
snorkyorky · 28/06/2014 16:22

Re the 1:1 time. I think we do okay actually at having time when it's just me and him. Maybe not as much as he'd like in an ideal world but I don't think it's significantly less than he'd get if I were working full time.

I don't like the talk of him having had a difficult childhood. It's true I messed up with my choice of father and it's true we spent a lot of ds's first year in a women's refuge but he doesn't actually remember any of this. We have only lived in 2 houses since we settled down when he was about 18 months, he's been to 2 schools (ie primary then secondary all the way through) and I've worked very hard to give him what he needs emotionally and materially. I only had one other boyf before meeting my now husband. He gets on well with my husband most of the time, they have shared interests and do things together. I think the isolation ds feels is a lot of his own making. It worries me as I said last night and I am keeping a close eye on him.

OP posts:
BOFster · 28/06/2014 18:18

Yes, the isolation is a separate issue really, and I'd worry about that too- although it will probably turn out to be one of things that passes over time. Maybe do an archive search for teenagers+isolation, or repost in Teenagers for some ideas? Good luck- you sound like a very caring mum.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/06/2014 19:15

No, he's the eldest.

But I fail to see your point in this scenario. Of the child calling the 3 year old was a five yr old older sibling the 3 yr old is a) less likely to take it so seriously b) the language used is likely to be less hurtful and offensive than that used by a 16 year old.

At 16, if he is bullying a three old, I would be very very concerned indeed. In my eyes, it's akin to torturing a kitten kind of behaviour.

macdoodle · 28/06/2014 19:21

Do you have sibs? My brother and I used to batter each other......

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/06/2014 19:32

Oh I do. Horrendous arguing. But note you say that you used to "batter each other".

Do you think the 3 year old is giving as good as he gets?

EmilyElephantTrumpets · 28/06/2014 20:22

^"You are so ugly. You make me sick"

"No one likes you. No one wants you"

This is what the op has said her 16 yr old son calls his 3 year old brother.^

And I wonder where the DS is hearing this? OP said her mother doesn't really like him, 16 yr olds aren't dumb, he will have picked up on this. And then OP told him to 'piss off and go live with his father'. Hardly different from what the ds1 is saying to ds2. Does that make it abuse too? Or any more acceptable? Personally I think it's less acceptable and OP giving excuses and everyone else justifying why she's right to speak to him like this is making me sick.

cardibach · 28/06/2014 20:53

I'd be concerned about him not wanting a phone. I know they aren't essential to human life, I grew up without one after all, but I don't know any teenagers who feel like that (and I am a Secondary teacher). It suggests a desire to be isolated which could be an indicator for depression. Serious talks required I think.

missymayhemsmum · 28/06/2014 21:39

Glad he's back, op, but sounds like you and your DH need to have a straight talk with him. Has he acknowledged his part in the argument, and why you were so pissed off with him?
Try flattery- I'm sorry I lost my temper but I need to rely on you to start acting like a grown man not a spoilt boy etc. help around the house, acting like a caring adult around his siblings, etc. Be clear about what your expectations of a good man worthy of respect are- and make it clear to your son that that's what you believe (and expect) him to be. If he were a student sharing a house and ate someone else's dinner, what reaction would he expect?
He's old enough to understand that support goes both ways. You support him with his life, schoolwork, exams and by being there for him. You need some support from him too.

Maybe it's time to start treating him like the third adult in the household, not the oldest child?

cjelh · 28/06/2014 22:04

Glad hes home OP. Don't underestimate the stuff a young child can pick up on. He has had a difficult life. It has been unstable on many levels. Living in a refuge and having you to himself to then share you with,DH and new siblings is very stressful for a child who doesn't have an emotional maturity. He now still doesn't have the emotional maturity to know how to deal with it. If his adult role model teaches him its ok to say 'piss off and live somewhere else' when he feels hes already less and less important in your life, no wonder hes playing up. Add to that a dad that hes not close to and a grandparent who doesn't like him and I'm not surprised hes hurting.

At what age should he be mature emotionally? You've been busy leaving X, Meeting DH, having more babys, when has he learned to be an adult. Just because he's 6ft 3 doesn't mean hes grown up any more than you are if you can tell your ds to P..O.. and live somewhere else.

Deemail · 28/06/2014 22:09

Glad he's back safe and sound. I don't know if it's been mentioned but there's a great book for parenting teens "get out of my life, but first take me and Alex to town" really insightful and has given me lots more patience and understanding with my teens.

QuailLegs · 28/06/2014 22:15

I think you need to be telling your mum to reign it in. He's still a child and he is her grand son. Even you sound a little like you don't like him, though you obviously love him. I'm not judging as I know how tricky this age can be, but he sounds like he wants someone to be telling him that he is not ugly but beautiful and helping him to deal with the fact that his mum has effectively dumped a new family on him.

There was a family at school with this dynamic and the oldest son had school counselling in the end to work it all through.

Good luck, you sound like you have a hard job there and you can only stretch yourself so far Flowers

QuailLegs · 28/06/2014 22:17

I had only partially read the thread - glanced through it, but am shocked at this bit ' I think the isolation ds feels is a lot of his own making'. No, it's of your making. Sorry - but he lost you to a new family and you are his mum.

Molio · 28/06/2014 22:42

Enjoyingmycoffee You have a three year old but how experienced are you with troubled teens? I suspect not very, if at all.

I absolutely defend what I said about 'abuse' being an inappropriate term. In fact I hear the term used so much these days, not least on MN, that it's in serious risk of being wholly devalued. A 16yo is not an adult, he's a child and this particular 16yo sounds extremely unhappy and extremely vulnerable and it's not very clear that the mum gets it completely.

Posters strongly dislike the term rape being used lightly; I believe the same restraint should be deployed with the term abuse.

Pancakeflipper · 28/06/2014 22:44

I feel really sorry for your DS. His nastiness is due to how horrible he feels inside.

How much one to one time are you spending with him? How much positive words are exchanged between you?

I can imagine your life is hectic but he's screaming out for love, feeling valued and feeling important in your life. Rightly or wrongly he seems to feel dejected and rejected. Obviously you never meant this, but it's how he probably feels.

drudgetrudy · 28/06/2014 22:50

His behaviour towards his little brother is not acceptable and there need to be some boundaries, but look at the things he is saying--projection?

I would guess he is not happy and even possibly depressed.
As well as setting some ground rules I would try to make some time for non-judgemental listening to his perspective.
It can be difficult when you have younger children but perhaps making more time for him will help.

drudgetrudy · 28/06/2014 22:51

Cross-posted with Pancakeflipper-thinking the same