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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh fuck. Had a massive argument with ds. Said things I shouldn't. Now I don't know where he is

131 replies

snorkyorky · 27/06/2014 21:52

It's pissing down. He doesn't have a coat or a phone. My husband has gone to look for him but he really could be anywhere. What do I actually do? He's 16. Just finished GCSEs

OP posts:
Original poster
snorkyorky · 27/06/2014 23:04

He's just walked in. Bloody swine.

He and DH are laughing their heads off like nothing's happened. I'm a completely nervous wreck.

There's lots here more to talk about but thank you so much for the support this evening

OP posts:
EmilyElephantTrumpets · 27/06/2014 23:05

On just over an hour you've been given lots of advice and have excuses why none of them would work. I would just be out there looking for my child fwiw.

MarmaladeShatkins · 27/06/2014 23:05

Exactly what Ratbag said.

If you were that worried, you'd be looking for him or at least ringing his dad. I think you're after reassurance that you haven't acted badly.

AgentZigzag · 27/06/2014 23:05

My DD1 is 13 YO and DD2 4 YO, so not exactly the same gap, but similar.

I can understand completely how a 4 YO can annoy the fuck out of an older sibling, 4 YOs can be demanding and can't read a situation where there's tension in the air/prickly body language, and leave well alone.

But even though DD1 can be a bit impatient when DD2 expects her to get off facebook and dance with her or whatever, I just can't imagine her ever calling her an idiot or ugly Sad that would really concern me and I couldn't allow it just because of the long term affect it could have on DD2.

DD1 was an only for 9 years, but that would never excuse her being spiteful to a 4 YO, what you describe is your DS (verbally) using the little one as a punch bag, taking stuff out on him because he can, and that's really not on.

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation, but something has to give and it's maybe better if you can choose what it is before it just randomly explodes?

EmilyElephantTrumpets · 27/06/2014 23:05

Thank goodness glad he's home

AgentZigzag · 27/06/2014 23:07

Just seen your last post, the little begger Smile

At least you can sleep tonight eh? Flowers

Nanny0gg · 27/06/2014 23:07

Ring 101 and speak to them. They may well decide to look for him.

NutcrackerFairy · 27/06/2014 23:08

Snorky, that is really not good. Your 16 year old calling the 3 year old ugly and an idiot? Sad

It sounds as if he might be quite jealous of DS2?

But it really can't be tolerated as may end up being quite psychologically damaging for your 3 year old....

I'm sure this must be a very difficult situation all round Sad

Nanny0gg · 27/06/2014 23:09

Glad he's back.

When you've calmed down tomorrow, it might be worth posting on relationships if you want to discuss your family relationships - they must be very difficult for you.

And I hope he apologises.

EmilyElephantTrumpets · 27/06/2014 23:10

I hope OP apologises too.

LoveBeingInTheSun · 27/06/2014 23:10

Probably just been sat in the dark somewhere. Just give him a kiss and a cuddle.

Charlie97 · 27/06/2014 23:10

Oh what a surprise! Sleep well and leave talking till the morning!

DroppingIn · 27/06/2014 23:13

Phew, thank goodness OP.

I agree with Agent. You need to sort out his feelings towards DC2 pronto. He can't keep calling the poor little mite those names.

Etah · 27/06/2014 23:15

Why was your husband laughing with him?

Original poster
snorkyorky · 27/06/2014 23:18

I am very very worried about him calling dc2 the names he does. Very worried indeed. Which is why I suspect I blew up so badly with him tonight.

Thank you again to those who have given advice.

I'm sorry some of you thought I was making excuses why I couldn't do stuff. My husband did go out to look for him. I did text the numbers of friends' parents I had. I did contact people in the city his dad lives in. I was on here asking for advice.

He was only gone 3 hours but it was fucking awful. That sense of not knowing what to actually do and when I could officially become worried

OP posts:
Molio · 27/06/2014 23:21

OP this really is quite sad. I feel very sorry for DS. You do seem to be making a lot of excuses. I reckon he feels very unloved, and very sad himself. He's still very young, with a difficult background and I just get the sense that he feels very alone. Poor kid.

Molio · 27/06/2014 23:23

DroppingIn never mind the poor smaller mite, what about the poor 16yo mite? He's far more vulnerable tbh.

AgentZigzag · 27/06/2014 23:24

The way you say he is with DC2 would definitely be one of the battles I'd pick, the threat of any dramatics from him wouldn't put me off that one at all.

Do you pick him up on it every time? Explaining to DC2 why they shouldn't call other people horrible names, reassuring them they're not ugly/idiot. (I'm sure you do, but I was just wondering whether you 'daren't' take him to task every time and that your DC2 needs protecting from it).

I was a horror at 16 so I do have sympathy for him, it's just limited now I'm out/on the other side Grin

AgentZigzag · 27/06/2014 23:28

And I think DD1 is like that with DD2 because she genuinely cares about her. I've thought a few times about how lucky we are that she does because it could have very easily gone the other way, there's not necessarily any rhyme or reason to it.

Molio · 27/06/2014 23:30

AgentZigzag one poster might term it 'dramatics', another profound depression. OP needs to take care to identify exactly what it is that made DS run off.

SweetsForMySweet · 27/06/2014 23:32

You're tired op from broken sleep and running around after two young children, a teenager and your husband. You are doing the majority of stuff at home -cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping and raising 3 children and being a good wife and mother too. Your dh is working 12 hour days so you don't get to see as much of each other as you may like. It is a busy house with lots going on and both you and your dh trying to keep everything ticking over. Adding a stroppy lazy teenager to the mix has just pushed you a bit too far today. When your ds comes home, and you and your dh have the time to sit down together, you need to come up with some new house rules. Start with how your ds behaves and how he treats you, your dh and his siblings. Give him a list of chores around the house that he is to be responsible for. Is he working for the holidays? If not then he needs to do a lot more around the house and contribute in a positive way. His reward for sticking to the house rules is a certain amount of time playing his video games or watching movies or whatever he chooses (within reason). It is important that he gets some alone/quality time with you. I think he feels he has been side-lined since his siblings have come along and is acting out because he doesn't know how to express that he misses it being just you and him and probably feels excluded. Go to bed and rest. Your ds will be home when he calms down.

AgentZigzag · 27/06/2014 23:33

He doesn't seem unloved to me Molio, the OP was worried about him that much after only 3 hours, she feels bad that she lost control of her tongue, she's worrying about what's going on with her lad. If she didn't love him she wouldn't give a flying fuck.

If he doesn't like his siblings having the attention he feels he deserves, then it's maybe time he thought about getting his head round it.

Taking his frustrations out on a 4 YO is wrong, the 'poor smaller mite' actually does need minding when he's around.

Original poster
snorkyorky · 27/06/2014 23:39

Every single time he calls dc2 a name I counteract it (you're not ugly, you're beautiful etc). Every single time. I've been trying to keep things steady while he's been doing his exams too in terms of picking him up on things (general laziness etc).

I think he is probably quite unhappy. I do everything I can do to include him. I try to encourage him to have a social life. I would happily buy credit for his phone but he says he doesn't want it. I think mum has got to the point where's she's sick of his rudeness and I can't say I blame her. He's 6'3", 16 and can at times be very unpleasant to be around (but also sometimes really really lovely). I don't feel able to leave the little ones with him for even the shortest time and that pisses me off. The bullying really pisses me off. I'm worried about him too

OP posts:
SweetsForMySweet · 27/06/2014 23:40

Glad he is home op, make peace with your ds and tell him ye will talk properly tomorrow. Get some sleep

Swaledale · 27/06/2014 23:47

Have you got a garden or garden shed? He might be hiding there...
Hope he's home soon! x