Oh fuck. Had a massive argument with ds. Said things I shouldn't. Now I don't know where he is

[snorkyorky]

It's pissing down. He doesn't have a coat or a phone. My husband has gone to look for him but he really could be anywhere. What do I actually do? He's 16. Just finished GCSEs

Glad he's home.
Like button needed for Sweets post

Molio AgentZigzag one poster might term it 'dramatics', another profound depression. OP needs to take care to identify exactly what it is that made DS run off

The OP "told him to piss off to his dad's", so he didn't have any choice but to leave (or "run off" as you put it), did he?

I left 'home' (ha-bloody-ha) at 16 and lived alone till my late 30's, so I don't know why so many people were so confident that 'he'll be back'. In his place I wouldn't have felt able - or allowed - to come back if I'd been told by my mother to piss off.

Sorry, the first paragraph of my post above was a quote from Molio's post. I stupidly omitted the quotation marks.

The other thing I thought reading what you've written snorky, is that when you're 16 it can seem as though the whole world and his dog is against you, everything hates you/you hate everything.

But you have to go beyond the stamina your mum (understandably) has for him and his laziness/rudness and remember the gorgeous squidgy little boy he used to be. If he knows you and that love is always there for him regardless of what he does, he'll come through it no probs (well, OK, maybe a few probs, but generally come out of it a nice person).

I moved out when I was 16 but my parents were still always there for me, and given that I was fucked in the head anyway, it was probably that which got me through.

Oops, didn't see he was home. I am glad he is though!

I can't believe some people have been so vile and attacking someone when they are so worried and scared. Sometimes when you have more than one child to look after you can't just drop everything. At least someone was looking for your DS. The minute details don't matter at that time, Now he is home you can sort those things out.

Maybe he seems pushed out and like he doesn't matter to you as much as the others. Maybe because you, your husband and 2 younger children are a 'proper' family and he doesn't know where he fits in so takes it out on them.

I would go to bed, leaving things on a lighter note, telling him that you will talk tomorrow but you are glad he's home. Maybe your DH could take your younger two out for the day and you can go somewhere neutral with your older one to talk about what's troubling him, maybe ask him to write things down if he can't tell you in person. Maybe you can write to him to tell him (without accusing) what he means to you and how you feel.

I really hope things work out for you all. Let us know how you get on xx

Bullying breeds bullying

Piss off!!!! Go and live some where else!!!

I suspect it's not the first time he's encountered that kind of treatment.

A 10 month breast fed baby can be left by the way.

A 10 month breast fed baby can be left by the way.
What, with the 4 year old as babysitter?

With a father as babysitter, obviously

Not that the father would be babysitting

Sorry but I agree with CanThis.

The only person I feel sorry for is your DS.

OP's DH was out looking for him.

Whaaaaat?

Jesus, the sanctimony on here is staggering sometimes. Who wouldn't go apeshit at a teenager shovelling up a dinner obviously prepared for someone else?

OP, you have my sympathy- the selfishness and bullying sounds very draining. Ok, so his nose is out of joint getting younger siblings he hadn't bargained for. Boohoo. It does not preclude him from all obligations to behave like a decent human being. I sometimes wonder how any teenager becomes a functioning member of society, given the incredibly low expectations some parents appear to have of them.

He want out looking for very long, and OP could have left the baby and gone herself.

I'm glad he's home safe OP but I really can't imagine a 6"3 sixteen year old bullying a little toddler. That's horrible! He bloody knows what he's doing too. I 'really hated' my sister when she was born because I was used to being an only child, but I was 7 years old. Not 16. I grew up, and out of it.

I feel for you OP. You must be exhausted dealing with this all the time, it must be horrible to see. His selfishness needs sorting out too. I know teenagers can be entitled little shits, it's part and parcel of being a teenager, my sister is the same age as your DS, and I was 16 not too long ago, but not once did either of us stroll into the kitchen and effectively steal food out of our parents mouths. That's pure selfishness and is not acceptable. I don't blame you for going mad. Don't rush to him and apologise. It's simply not on, and he'll just be smug and start to assume he can do what he wants so long as he buggers off for a bit to scare poor ol' mum.

He's your baby, but he's not a baby.

BOFster finally someone talking sense.

I don't care how old he is. He is abusing a four year old. A defenceless child, almost a baby.

He either bucks his ideas up or he goes. The four year old derserves to be in a loving home, free from abuse.

It's bloody disgraceful behaviour. OP you should have dealt with it a long time ago. All your actions have done is allow him to get away with murder

I think the majority of posters think that DS1's behaviour towards DS2 is unacceptable

Glad he's back safely. I have a teenager whose behaviour is driving me nuts so you have my sympathy. The advice I've had from police is to stay at home in case they come back, phone around as you did, and phone the police on 101.

When I was 17 this exact argument happened between one of my best friends and his mum. He stormed out and everyone was worried sick. His dad phoned me at 1am when I was out with my boyfriend to ask if I knew where my friend was. I didn't and we were all panicking.

He came home the next morning having spent the night shivering on a bench overlooking Tilbury Docks in November without as much as a scarf on. The silly sod. He came to no harm other than feeling like a twat because everyone knew he had stormed off in a huff.

Handholding OP I know how worried you must be but he will return. And at least it's June!

You poor thing, so glad he is back. Teenagers are so difficult, but they generally do improve eventually.

Just seen update. Sorry you're getting a rough ride OP- glad he's back. Fwiw I was a fucking knobhead at his age and horrible to my siblings and parents and I came from a "traditional" set up with parents still together, full siblings etc. I've no doubt I was "abusive" and a bully at times and I had no excuse- I was just 16 and a seething mass if angst. I grew out of it.

Glad he's back.

As now is an opportune time to talk with him about some of the family issues going on and how he could be happier, I think you should also reflect on your own poor conduct here.

From what I understand from your posts, your son's father was a domestic abuser, and you will go out of your way to avoid speaking to this man, even when your son was missing. Can you see how telling your son to 'piss off to your father's' would be an absolutely awful for him? Words like that spoken in anger won't be forgotten easily or quickly.

I doubt you'd lash out this way to your subsequent children when they are teenagers. So saying this to your son is just telling him that he doesn't really fully belong in his home, in this new blended family. It's quite possible that he's unhappy and acts out with the younger children if he's getting that vibe from either of you.

If this is the case, step one of improving the family situation is for both of you, as the adults here, to really understand his point of view, and for you to not say, or behave, in such a hurtful way.

So saying this to your son is just telling him that he doesn't really fully belong in his home, in this new blended family

"New blended family"? It's been 9 years since OP met her DH, hardly new.

He is a 16 year old bullying a 4 year old. That is not acceptable nor excusable. OP and her DH have done nothing wrong here.

Only 4 years since extra children came into the mix. So in effect you LTEve you are dismissing the treatment of the ds by his mother. Whilst it's not ok for him to treat his younger brother that way. It's also and equally not ok for OP to treat her son the way she has too.

The only way to resolve this is by understanding what's going on and I think it will be very damaging to the whole family to brush this all off as the ds's unreasonable behaviour.

It would also not be fair to say OP and her DH have done nothing wrong here. Everyone can learn their part in a situation like this and see what they have done wrong in order to move forward.

It really shouldn't be dismissed OP.

My daughters are full sisters and the older one calls the little one horrible names, idiot, rat, stupid, brat. It is indeed hideous to hear and I can quite understand why the op blew up. Mine are 13 and 6.

Christ this thread is crazy. A sixteen year old goes out for three hours and you suggest phoning the police? Really?

Why would the OP go out and look for him? What earthly good would that do, is he likely to be standing out in full view? He's sixteen!

Huge over reaction all round. Glad he's back OP.