AIBU to say I'm not having any more family holidays till DD is a bit older?

[ShootMeNowPlease]

Just come back from a weekend away with DH and 3-year-old DD. It was grim: DD is in full-on threenager mode, and we ended up leaving before lunchtime today because it simply wasn't worth trying to persuade her to do anything else. This is the second holiday this year that she's wrecked by being sulky, unwilling to go anywhere, messing around when we do get there, pretending not to hear us when we talk to her - I could go on. The first one was a bucket-and-spade holiday in Cornwall entirely for her benefit.

AIBU to say I'm taking my holidays on my own while DH looks after DD (and, obviously, DH can do the same), and we're not having any more family holidays till DD is something resembling civilised, because it's a sodding waste of time and money? It may be a long wait till she gets another one...

I am sure if you can afford it 'all inclusive accommodation, plenty of space and daily maid service' would make a big difference - the reality is for most of us (and I am by no means skint) that sort of holiday is completely out of our price bracket.

I am quite shocked at the price of holidays, and if we (or most importaly me ) is not going to get a lot out of it then I agree with whoever said 'same shit different location' .

This is one of those threads that I read with fascination as I love holidays!

We've taken our DC to 7 countries over the 6 years of being a parent & holiday a lot in the UK - I even take them away by myself when DH is working... Trying to work out why we enjoy something so many seem to hate! Pre kids we used to backpack a lot so probably had much lower expectations about ease & comfort of holidays so perhaps that makes a difference, also we are extremely fortunate in having a family holiday home in Cornwall. We go there twice a year, the kids love it & it is very easy.

Our worst holiday was taking DD1, then aged 2 & a bit, to an incredibly un-child friendly festival in France. We had to take turns looking after her away from the festival & it was pretty stressful.

OP, what actually happened on this holiday?

we do house exchanges, have been for years. It's home away from home, the children slept when they were tired, ate when they were hungry, we didn't have to wait in restaurants or be scared of keeping other guests awake. we have been to France, Spain, Italy, Iceland, Norway, Sweden, and various places in the UK. It's really a fantastic way to have a holiday with children. A lot less stressful.

I don't think YABU at all.

I've just returned from a week in the UK with my two (16 and 21) and DH. 21 year old DS doesn't even live at home anymore but he came along as the static van we'd hired had the room for him and his GF.

On the wednesday DH left us on the beach for a few hours. Scorching hot so I hired a sunbed, got my book and relaaaaax. Except for an hour all I got was DS and DD bickering yet again. In the end I spectacularly flounced. Told them I was here to enjoy my break and listening to the pair of them bicker wasn't part of my plans, they were worse now than when they were little and enough was enough. I took my book and went and got cosy in the car.
Twenty minutes later two very sheepish kids appeared bearing apologies and ice cream

Three is a difficult age, DD was vile (DS not so bad) and yet was also angelic at school.

Hey op

I'm with you. I am a SAHM with a very hard working (teacher) OH and it took us a lot of adjustment to start enjoying family holidays. The fact that we were older parents and had a long history of exotic, interesting holidays didn't help - we really had to lower our expectations with kids! We tried apartments when DS1 was young, we tried camping after DS2 was born, it was always a friggin nightmare of tired, grumpy, people shouting at each other. Same shit, different view!

Then this year it all changed. The dcs are 6 and 3 now, we've been camping twice this year. The older one pretty much looks after himself, makes friends and disappears from dawn till dusk, coming back to refuel and sleep. The younger one is easy enough to entertain, and even he tags along with his big bro. DH and I even got to sit down, glass in hand and have a conversation - an actual conversation with a beginning, middle and end - at one point (see what I mean about lowering your expectations?!).

I can finally see where my own happy memories of camping en famille might come from. I'm actually looking forward to our next trip.

The biggest difficultyfor us was that when you take kids away from their usual habitat you become the sole entertainment, until they are old enough to entertain themselves. That's hard, especially if you are both working and have some expectation of the holiday being a break from the hard work. It just isn't with little kids. DH desperately needs a break from teaching, but he ain't going to get it on a family holiday with under 4s. Unless you bring the professionals on board I.e. Grandparents or holiday clubs.

This passes!

When you holiday with teenage children you look back fondly to the preschool age! Now they have all gone DH and I are back to holidays chosen purely for us it is bliss!
It is a matter of expectation- if you lower them and realise it is hard work you can enjoy them!

justwondering I think you made a good point about age of the parent. I was a very young mum when I had DS1. In my 20's I took him to Jamaica and had an amazing holiday. It was both our first time of leaving Europe and going to an all inclusive resort. We did all the trips together, drank non alcoholic cocktails etc together. But I have no comparison to what it would have been like without DC. If I'd had a taste of doing other things such as the late night life I may have thought it was not as good doing things in a children friendly way. I've taken my DC all round the world on multiple centred trips, adventure holidays and cruises and loved every holiday, I only have a couple of years left of them coming away with me and I'm glad I was able to have these experiences with them.

We all have memories of nightmareish behaviour but as someone else said the good times should outweigh the bad times and if they don't then you are right and there is no point in going on holiday.

What you really need to think carefully about is whether you really, really believe that this is a bad phase and will pass, or do you think you might benefit from learning some new strategies. Either way it won't hurt to take on board some of the suggestions above. It is not a criticism of your parenting. We've all had times of realising that our current approach is not working and having to re- evaluate our parenting.

But yes to having zero expectations other than you expect that it will be 100% entertaining dc's and 0% me time. Anything other than that is a bonus.

We love holidays now, even if the weather is awful. You are forced to play board games or spend family time together whereas at home everyone does their own thing. It's a massive bonding time for us.

When we've been on holiday with DD we've tried to stick to her routine we follow at home, so no whole days out and we made sure we had down time in the middle of the day so she could sleep. So more of the same really but in a nicer location with better weather!

We had a day out in Brighton about two months ago and amount of stuff we had to cart around with us was insane (and we used nearly all of it!). We lurched from one child related incident to another. Sit down on beach. Nappy needs doing. Get and ice cream. Baby needs feeding. Walk down the pier. Toddler screams the whole way and so on or the whole day. I suppose we had a nice time but truth be told it wasn't worth the hassle.

At this age you really have to choose holidays that are primarily focused on your child having stuff to do, rather than make minor adaptations to your normal holiday and expect it to be ok. Somewhere with a swimming pool and indoor and outdoor playgrounds for them to tire themselves out is great. If they're exhausted from swimming all morning, they're happier to sit through lunch. All the running about and fresh air makes them sleep well, so you can have adult evenings.

A lot of that type of holiday is enjoying being with your child and watching them have fun though. If you're not at a stage where you can do that, then maybe there is no point.

Also OP, are you sure your child free siblings wouldn't want to holiday with you? Mine do!

You are forced to play board games or spend family time together - the trouble is that we are a family that constantly plays board games so it is absolutely no novelty when we are on holiday .

I tend to agree with the 'older parent' comment - we are older panrents and have had some wonderful holidays before having DS - all sorts of different things from camping/back packing/luxury hotels so being with a grumpy teenager can be quite disappointing when you think you are giving them a great experience and they would rather be sitting with their mobile phone .

Looking back the best ages for holidays were probably 2-8 (we used to do Eurocamp and our DS loved the kids' clubs ).

Delphinium - I am so looking forward to holidays with just DH and cheaper term time breaks.

Hi OP. Not read whole thread as I'm on a quick break.

Just wanted to say my DD has reduced me to tears on holidays in the past. Then I took her to Butlins and she was great! I took her bloody brave on my own and there was so much to do and so many other kids to meet. I did tell her off a few times, but because it's all for kids really, I just let her do what she was happy doing.

ragwort

Yes we do play board games and stuff at home too that was more of a spending 24 hr together thing and especially in relation to the rain! It's nice though, for the kids to always be enthusiastic on holiday, as at home we are competing with that wonderful awful xbox/tv or friends that knock on the door that are so much more interesting than us -

Maybe the moral of the story is enjoy them wanting 100% of your attention, when they are young because all too soon they are older and don't want you so much... Time passes so fast.

Hell no YANBU.

We never take ours away (both under 3). We send them to grandparents for a week or two and disappear away for an actual holiday. Going to Bali in a few weeks while the DC's stay with my parents. As has been said, taking them isn't a holiday for you at all - it's just hard sodding work (even harder than normal because there's no routine) and we've got plenty of that at home.

When they're a bit older (5 or 6) the plan is to start taking them on a UK holiday for a week and then buggering off abroad ourselves for a week when they're back at school, then when they're a bit older again they can start coming away with us on our 'proper' holiday as we call it (provided they behave).

Sorry I'm just not down with this whole 'it's okay for us to have a shit time as long as the kids are happy' mentality that seems to be common among many parents.

Life's too short.

Whenever we have tried weekends away or short breaks with the DC (4 and 2), its been generally hideous.

However two week long haul holiday have been absolute bliss for all.

We took them to the Maldives last month for two weeks. It was fab. They were amazingly well behaved the entire time and little angels on the flights there and back. No issues at all.

Last year we took them to Egypt for two weeks and no issues at all. It was great.

When DD was 14 months before DS came along we took her to the Maldives and it was just perfect.

However we have taken long weekends/short breaks in UK such as Padstow, Babington House, Scottish country hotels and it has been beyond awful. Screeching and screaming, full on constant tantrums and bad behaviour. On several occasions so bad we have had to return early.

I can't figure it out tbh. Pre DC I would have thought short breaks and UK holidays would be just the ticket with small DC and long haul two weeks away would be impossible. But it's exactly the opposite.

We have given up on short breaks/weekends away now. Just doing two week holidays from now on.

No other advice than to try a long holiday abroad instead

Just make sure holiday/accommodation is child friendly so they have plenty to do. Although tbh mine just want bucket and spade and beach.

Don't blame you for not wanting to go away. However do try a proper holiday before you throw in the towel.

YANBU if it wasn't for my 13yo, 9 yo and 2 yo missing out we would not go anywhere.
DS2 3.6 is really hard work, he has always been hard work most of our time at home or away is focused on him.
I wish we could take him away by himself and then take the others away leaving him at home.
We went to Spain for two weeks last year and I am sorry to admit the most fun we had was when he had his afternoon naps.

One to one he is the most amazing boy, he should have been an only child.

MrsFlorrick that is really interesting. I have to admit I would never have thought that they would be ok on a long haul 2 week break but awful on a short weekend. We have taken ours away overnight , but not more than 1 night. They tend to be disrupted but manageable, however I'd not want to risk them ruining an expensive, long awaited trip to the Maldives or Bali or somewhere like that.
How did you discover this? Did you just take them away on a long holiday and then all of a sudden they were unexpectedly okay?

I think if you expect your DC to understand that they are on holiday and change behaviour in any way at this age then you are setting yourself up for a fall tbh

Holiday with toddler changes everything, even what time the adults go to bed.....

Maninawomansworld. Sort of by accident

We had various disasterous weekends away with DDwhen she was small but really wanted a holiday so we took her to Maldives at 14 months and she was fine.

Then DS came along and we had 5 awful short breaks. Last year we thought we would try a proper holiday based on the fact that DD had been fine previously. And it was bliss.

We had a weekend away last summer after the 2 week holiday to Egypt and it was terrible we went home after 24hrs.

No more weekends away. We went to Maldives again last month for 15 nights and it was great. Children were well behaved and had so much fun they cried when it was time to leave. DH and I had a fab time too.

So by trial and error we discovered this. No idea why. Wasn't aware of anything like this pre DC.

Most of our friends with DC struggle with short breaks and do better with longer holidays. Again no idea why.

We are taking ours to Mauritius in August. Obviously not relishing the 12 hour flight in economy. But fairly confident of a great holiday.
And no weekends away this summer.

Sorry this one was such a nightmare OP

If holiday sharing won't work then I agree with the holiday clubs plan - pick destinations where dd can effectively go to nursery as usual which is a secure, small world for her, and you get the adult time to relax a bit in between and go further afield. The other thing I find helps a bit is planning from the start for someone who's about to lose half their developmental age the second their routine changes and we're somewhere different. Lots more non optional use of buggy (ooh look what you can look at while you're riding), closed choices (this or this) rather than open ended ones that turn into a whole world of no, more naps and cuddles, earlier bedtimes.

Yanbu, however yabu for having higher expectations of a three year old who is by the sounds of it in nursery full-time. It's their mission to play up full-time working parents and from my experience, its often because they are bored as nursery is wall to wall organised activities which I couldn't recreate in a fit.
We are staycationing this year following a disastrous and expensive holiday last year.
DH is rapidly coming around to the wisdom of a few years of cheap and cheerful bucket and spade holidays in the UK/Ireland/Northern France in a caravan/holiday home somewhere.

MrsFlorrick that is amazing. I always feel quite guilty leaving the boys (just not enough to wreck my nice holiday) and if I knew it would be okay I'd take them in a flash, it would be great!

Do you keep to their routines or have a new 'holiday routine'. What do you do on the flight to keep them calm? Would be nice to try taking them sometime.
(Although - don't think they allow kids in 1st class hahahaha... maybe they can stay with nana this time!)

iPads (mine and DHs) with suitable CBeebies/Disney fair or Gruffalo etc. and suitable CBeebies/Lego and other games from iTunes.

Sticker books in their favourite characters (hello kitty and Thomas here).

A magazine (cbeebies or similar).

A few books (whatever we have at home and are current favourites).

Couple of toys each of their choosing in a small rucksack of their own along with favourite comforter/bear.

And snacks from home. Mine quite like those Organix oat bars. They are good as they are not too sugary and fills them up if they don't like the food served onboard.

DD now watches the childrens stuff on board. She watched Frozen both out and back and didn't touch the iPad or magazine. DS slept all the way out (night flight) and slept and played iPad and books on the return day flight.

It honestly isn't a problem. Bring the above and you're sorted. And a spare change of clothes for everyone in case of spilled drinks etc.

Once you get there they will be too busy to need anything. Although we did read stories at night and they needed their comforters for sleep.

Air crew are generally lovely to those with DC. However not all fellow passengers are kind.

We stick to the home routine once there. Don't try to eat dinner later with DC. Disaster. They will be too tired and whiny. Get room service dinner for them at 5pm and into bed for 7. Then babysitter and DH and I go for dinner.

Choose a hotel where DC under 5/6 eat free (most do this) to avoid having to eat in restaurants with the DC when its too late for them (most restaurants don't start serving till 7pm which is far too late).

Unless of course your DC are slightly older or used to later bedtime.