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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say I'm not having any more family holidays till DD is a bit older?

187 replies

ShootMeNowPlease · 22/06/2014 18:27

Just come back from a weekend away with DH and 3-year-old DD. It was grim: DD is in full-on threenager mode, and we ended up leaving before lunchtime today because it simply wasn't worth trying to persuade her to do anything else. This is the second holiday this year that she's wrecked by being sulky, unwilling to go anywhere, messing around when we do get there, pretending not to hear us when we talk to her - I could go on. The first one was a bucket-and-spade holiday in Cornwall entirely for her benefit.

AIBU to say I'm taking my holidays on my own while DH looks after DD (and, obviously, DH can do the same), and we're not having any more family holidays till DD is something resembling civilised, because it's a sodding waste of time and money? It may be a long wait till she gets another one...

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 22/06/2014 21:55

Parenting being bad for your mental health? Oh no, not me. I love every minute, and contort myself every which way to accommodate my child's needs. Don't you? How terribly sad.

Only kidding, aye it was me. Pass the gin, they'll make this wonderful temazepam work faster :)

StinkyWhizzleteats · 22/06/2014 21:58

When DD was 2-3 she was hideous. He tantrums were off the scale. I avoided taking her out in public she was that bad. We stopped going to toddler group and everything. I though I was a shit parent because I couldn't handle her, at times I felt like I didn't even like her :( I'm pretty sure lots of other people thought I was a shit parent too. So yeah, I really beat myself up about it. Anyway turns out she has aspergers. School picked it up, we were clueless.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your DD at all OP - my point is not all children are created equal. Some are really hard work, others are more biddable. My DS is about 100 times easier than DD. You get what you're given and have to roll with it, it definitely can be bad for your mental health. So don't let others comments about your parenting upset you.

unlucky83 · 22/06/2014 22:00

I second the group - or somewhere with lots of children...
My best holiday since having DC was a static caravan on a smallish site with a play park.
Caravans are great - not a big space to keep clean and separate bedrooms - DCs can go to bed before you - and a good excuse to eat lots of junk - pasta pesto and ready meals etc.
Lots of other children - of same age as DCs...all really nice. Both made friends of similar ages...
DD1 (then 9/10) up dressed, breakfast and by 9.30 off for the day - just popped back drinks/meals...tired out and ready for bed.
DD2 (3 and a bit) made a 4.5 yo friend - whose parents caravan was right next to the play park - after a few days I was happy enough for her to play on the park - out of sight -for 30 mins or so with her friend if DD1 was around...and I/DP watched DD2 and friend playing on grass near us - so her friend's parents got a break too.
I actually read the book I'd taken, all the ones in caravan and some of DD1s Jacqueline Wilson's...
(Last year hired a caravan on a site without a play park -no area for DCs to congregate - didn't make friends -not so restful)
I also enjoyed a holiday in Spain when DD2 was 18 months (DD1 7/8) - was for a friend's 40th - we shared a big villa (we had an annexe) with members of her family - friend's niece was same age as DD1 and also we had visitors with DCs - and lots of adults around who wanted to entertain DD2!
As for parenting a demon - I learned for DD2 - (we won't mention DD1!) distraction is your friend...guess it is playful parenting - stupid things like getting them dressed - try and put their socks on their hands -or hang them from your ears - and then say -hmmm I think I've got something wrong - (Quite missing the days of wearing her pants on my head!) - also racing to get dressed together ...adn if all else fails no problem with them going to nursery (or indeed school) in their PJs a few times !

PossumPoo · 22/06/2014 22:00

We take DD 3.5 on a lot of holidays, including long haul. Second the GPs! But it is hard work, at least at home I know that the house is relatively safe for DD to more freely around without us following every move.

But we implemented a night time routine when she was very young so she would know that it was always bath, bottle, bed wherever we are. A tired toddler causes mayhem!

NewtRipley · 22/06/2014 22:01

Jeez, i am a bit narked if my advice is being interpreted as criticism.

NewtRipley · 22/06/2014 22:02

OP

I twill pass.

Goldenbear · 22/06/2014 22:08

She's 3 how can she be 'a fucking nightmare' and why are you both 'shouting' at her all the time? You don't want to spend any time with her and you don't want to go on holiday with her- do you think she may be picking up on your overwhelming warmth for her? I agree with Minty. I have a 7 year old and a 3 year old, it does not necessarily get easier as they get older as they're much more inclined to be questioning of your decisions - you need to calm down and stop thinking she is even capable of exhibiting these delinquent characteristics. Perhaps with age appropriate expectations you'll enjoy your holidays with her more. You're 'desired' holiday preferences one of which was just lounging around with a book says it all really!

My DP works a lot and it is hardwork if you are doing an even half decent job of being a SAHP- if you're not, well it is 'easy'! Melissa you are frankly talking a crock of shit!

melissa83 · 22/06/2014 22:12

Ok then goldenbear Hmm I spent years dealing with 30 and my own all at same time. It really isnt that bad. Just lower your expectations and relax they are just children.

pointythings · 22/06/2014 22:13

We've dragged out DDs all over the place from more or less birth, including the USA, and never had a problem. However, that worked for our DDs because of their temperament - they handle change of scene well. This is commonly known as luck. All children are different, and if it doesn't work for yours then it makes sense to defer family holidays until they are older.

MorrisZapp · 22/06/2014 22:13

I think all of us would like to lounge around with a book goldenbear, but the OP, like all of us, has changed her holiday plans to fit her childrens needs. So, your patronising contempt is wholly unwarranted.

She planned lots of child appropriate stuff but it was still a nightmare. Calm down yourself.

HaroldLloyd · 22/06/2014 22:14

This shouldn't be a WOHM v SAHM fight at all. Though Melissa that comment was knobeqsue.

It's just a turn of speech, I say this has been a nightmare, that has been a nightmare.

Toddlers are quite capable of behaving like a fucking nightmare. Are we not allowed to have a vent anymore?

My DS is obviously the light of my eyes, and he can be a fucking nightmare on occasion.

Come on.

RobinEllacott · 22/06/2014 22:15

Goldenbear, another poster asked me what kind of holiday I, personally, liked, and I answered the question. I did not say I was expecting any of the things I like out of a holiday with a pre-schooler! I'm glad that your life is so perfect and you haven't struggled with any aspects of parenting.

NewtRipley, I didn't interpret you as being critical - sorry if it came across that way.

Morris, Wine for you - I think your DS and my DD are virtuallly the same age.

Stripyhoglets · 22/06/2014 22:16

we have had some tough holidays. Best ones were at center parts . loads of other kids being naughty too. and you can sit in the tropical water place and read a book while you both take shifts to be in the pool with DD.

Stripyhoglets · 22/06/2014 22:17

Centerparcs!

melissa83 · 22/06/2014 22:19

All children can have nightmares moments I have had plenty of 10/11 year olds punching me and throwing stuff. They are just children though and its how they are feeling emotionally. Op making things a game a laugh, or a conpetition helps. Dont sweat the small stuff if your plans change just roll with whatever. Children will pick up if people are ranting and raving all the time.

melissa83 · 22/06/2014 22:22

I also cant believe you have got to 3 without any kimd of bribery. How on earth do you get to work in the mornings. Thats the best childcare technique there is Wink

OfficerVanHalen · 22/06/2014 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaroldLloyd · 22/06/2014 22:25

I remember the weekend we had when DS was about 20 months, all he wanted to do was run on the busy road outside the complex and whenever we stopped him was gouging our faces and hands with his nails.

Oh that was a happy one.

steppemum · 22/06/2014 22:26

we have always enjoyed our holidays with kids.
We have always done self catering houses of some sort, so bedtimes, food, etc the same and we take a bag a of toys with us.
Really important to have a bedroom to put kids to sleep in. (which is why I don't like tents)
We usually have pool/beach nearby so that is large chunks of play time sorted.
Not much adult time, evenings in with a bottle of wine.
The holidays have been fun, and good family bonding time, but I always come home knackered.

I think is it a different mind set, I don't see them as 'holiday' for me, so much as family time. dh is great, we do shared parenting, but I do the organising of food etc.

Dancingdreamer · 22/06/2014 22:26

Go on a cruise. They have nurseries for children with loads of great activities and evening child care also. P&O are brilliant as the children's clubs are open all day (as opposed to specific 2 hour sessions that you have on other cruises) This means you can have some relaxing time when you want as well as some family time together. There are some great bargains out of school holiday season.

WorkingBling · 22/06/2014 22:31

I second the suggestion of a kid friendly venue. We took ds to centre parc. I thought I would hate it bit it was great.

Mintyy · 22/06/2014 22:33

All toddlers are nightmarish at times so if you stop expecting them to be anything but then you will not be quite so exasperated.

Holidays with toddlers and babies just involve a change of scene (which I, personally, always find refreshing) with fewer of their favourite props around. So of course it can be difficult.

But who would expect to lie on a beach and read a book all day until their children are teens, unless you book them into a holiday club? 5 year old and 6 year olds and 8 year olds and 11 year olds still mainly want your attention and are pretty needy and you have to keep an eye on them when near water.

Mintyy · 22/06/2014 22:34

Smile Officer VanHalen

Goldenbear · 22/06/2014 22:34

I have struggled. My DD who is 3 is acutely shy, it is very difficult when she is scared of her own shadow, sometimes mute with her own grandparents. My DS is very clever and will sometimes highlight the contradictions of your requests if he's not keen on doing something that is 'dull' in his eyes. At the moment I am just entering into the refereeing stage with them as DS no longer sees DD as a 'baby' and finds her 'annoying' sometimes. It is by no means perfect but I never expected it to be!

Melissa, so you're a teacher and you teach your own children at the same time or the child care is provided by someone else? I don't need advice on 'how to do it' I have been a SAHP for 7 years. It is much harder than the very demanding job I had in politics when I worked ridiculous hours but it is harder in different ways.

melissa83 · 22/06/2014 22:45

Yeah I did 6 years of looking after my 2 and 30 others. Im in a different job now but I do think its the way people approach things.

It helps if you are rigid in your expectations and think like a child. It also helps if your a big kid yourself I love doing childrens things even now as I just think I never grew out of them!