AIBU to say I'm not having any more family holidays till DD is a bit older?

[ShootMeNowPlease]

Just come back from a weekend away with DH and 3-year-old DD. It was grim: DD is in full-on threenager mode, and we ended up leaving before lunchtime today because it simply wasn't worth trying to persuade her to do anything else. This is the second holiday this year that she's wrecked by being sulky, unwilling to go anywhere, messing around when we do get there, pretending not to hear us when we talk to her - I could go on. The first one was a bucket-and-spade holiday in Cornwall entirely for her benefit.

AIBU to say I'm taking my holidays on my own while DH looks after DD (and, obviously, DH can do the same), and we're not having any more family holidays till DD is something resembling civilised, because it's a sodding waste of time and money? It may be a long wait till she gets another one...

It normally gets easier at 4, IMO. I had a really really emotional melt downy one, and a bitey, pushy, hitty one.

Oh blimey, get over yourself. We have always gone on holiday, every year, including when we had a 3 year old and a 9 month old being weaned on to bottles and not sleeping through the night.

It is good to have a change of scene and do something different for the sahp (if there is one) at least. Toddlers and babies are hard work - that is hardly headline news, surely? Your toddler is no different to any other toddler in the land op.

I'll say straight out that it pisses me off enormously when parents (male or female) who do not look after their children all day every day suddenly realise quite how much like hard work it is. If it is all outsourced to your sahp/nanny or childminder then you don't have to experience it and holiday can be a bit of a wake-up call.

Sorry but I think you (generic) are a wimp if you can't manage 14 days in the company of your own child, even if said child is one of their most testing phases.

And, I would go so far as to say that if the good times with your toddler don't outweigh the bad then you need to look at what you might be doing wrong as a parent, rather than the other way round.

Fuck off, Mintyy. I realise exactly how hard it is which is why I keep coming home when I'd rather stay at work. I probably am a wimp - so what? I do a bloody difficult job, really rather well, if I say so myself, and I don't get any downtime because when I'm not working I'm with DD. I am shattered and miserable. I started this thread because I don't want to spend any more money on family holidays, not because I'm trying to get out of my fucking responsibilities. I also said in my OP that I was happy for me and DH to have separate holidays, which would mean I was looking after DD at home.

Pretty hardcore that Mintyy!

I look after mine from home four days a week minty and he goes up a level of crazy on holiday.

We do a couple of long weekends fri-mon each year and they can work quite well.

Are you going for whole weeks?

I'd give a shorter one a go and you and DH have a weekend away alone which is also a nice break. That's what we do, only I haven't had my cocking turn for ages.

HaroldLloyd, this latest one was only a weekend. The Cornish bucket-and-spade holiday was a whole week (takes so long to drive there that there's no point in just going for a couple of days).

Fucking hell Mintyy cant you show the OP a bit of compassion. OP if holidays seem like a bit of waste of time and money at the moment why not take a week's holiday and just do lots of days out instead. That way if she is having a tantrum you can just jump in the car or get on the train and go straight home with no worrying about wasting accomodation charges

We had a lovely time with a group, all the children played together and it was nice to have a bit if company in the evening.

It was our most successful one yet, though we have had shitty luck with illnesses as well.

I wondered if you were struggling at work OP.

I think Mintty makes a point I'd agree with - children can't change their own behaviour. We have to change our approach, lower our expectations of them, or find a way to get happier for everyone's sake.

Completely understandable but my dd LOVES holidays and loves being on the beach whatever the weather. This summer she will be 4 and with dc2 due this week she is not going to get a proper summer holiday (she may go away with by parents for a few days). She is very sad about that.

Sadly there's no possible group to go with, HaroldLloyd - my two closest friends are single and childfree and quite reasonably want to have exciting holidays in far-flung corners of the world, and other friends with children are married to doctors or duty solicitors, barely see their other halves and want family holidays that are just them and their children.

NewtRipley, I'm sure you're right - I think in our particular case giving up trying to go away for a while would be a reasonable change to make.

I agree that holidays with children are a pain (and I have been a SAHM for years so fully used to spending too much lots of time with my own child Mintyy).

My DS is a teenager now and quite honestly a holiday for me would be time on my own - doing what I want not having to compromise all the time. If that sounds selfish, tough, I am being honest.

@Robin - frankly, I find holidays with children pleasurable only when they involve kids' club.
Worst ever holiday was also a week in a cottage in the rain - dreadful. And nothing on God's green earth is ever going to get me camping.

If you have the money, a Nielson's or Mark Warner holiday is worth ever bloody penny, IMO. Holidays should be for everyone, and everyone getting to do what they want. Playing football, sailing, pool games, running around in the heat - no. I do not want to do this on MY two weeks off work...which is why I am quite happy for the kids club leaders to do all that.

Not everything in life has to be based on what the kids want to do.

And before anyone comes to give me the Sad Face about how terrible it must be for the children to have parents who don't want to spend time with them: a) that's horseshit, we spend plenty of time with them, and b) they also like the fact that they get to do stuff that they just wouldn't ordinarily, or if we were in a caravan in Wales.

Win-win

I second days out.

We had to go to France to visit inlaws as it was the only time we saw them. It put so much more pressure on us as DS1was a really fussy eater, we'd go out for marathon meals, raging sibling rivalry, and it was always too hot. i wish we'd done shorter holidays there.

I think a large proportion of the holidays and 'fun' days out with the kids have been spent with the dc sulking , squabbling etc... However when they look at the photos they 'remember' it as amazing! So much fun! Was the best day ever!!
Holidays with dc are hard work for parents!

Incidentally, NewtRipley, I'm not struggling at work, but it is fairly hardcore and tiring, and very busy. It's home I'm struggling with (and I'm really furious with Mintyy's suggestion that I don't realise how hard it is - what does she think I do every weekend? Sit around and eat grapes while DH wrangles DD?).

Agreed, ragwort.

Ok, am hardcore on this particular issue, I'll accept that. But I was the sahm with the partner who "worked hard" in a job outside of the house who would rather be there than coming home to take his turn with the children. It is NOT news that toddlers are hard to look after, unless you have not been listening to what your contemporaries are saying all the time.

I will concede that op is nbu if she doesn't want to go on holiday until her one child is more biddable. Her choice of course. Being unreasonable doesn't really come in to it.

Shame for them all though if they can't just get on and deal with it (like most people with toddlers do).

We've had three holidays with our nearly three-year-olds and they are definitely improving. Possibly our expectations are plummeting. Possibly we're just going more child friendly places. Also the last one was UK, which was just kind of reassuring - you knew you could get food they'd eat, nappies that would fit, and if it all went tits up we could just come home.
For us the sheer novelty of having two parents around kind of buys us some good behaviour, but we need to schedule in some good toddler stuff mid-week!

I wonder if you're looking at the wrong sort of holidays? A city break with a toddler sounds like hard work to me. For us the key is not having to have trips out or anything very organised. I figure we've years to go to aquariums and castles and DS is equally happy with a slide.

We recently rented a cheap chalet in a holiday park with an indoor pool area for us and our DS (2.5) and it worked well. We didn't do much in the way of 'activities', just used the pool and play area and flopped about watching him dither about in the grass. Went for a walk to the beach and had an ice cream one day and that was it. I think to relax on a toddler holiday you have to downscale your ambitions to pottering about, self cater so you and DH needn't sit around in a dark hotel room for hours at night, and relax about mealtimes, routine, bedtime. Just let her go til she drops and you might get a lie in

And yes, go with friends if you can. Or family. So much easier.

Maybe her routine at home is out of sorts? Has there been any major changes recently? House move? Anything like that.

Some times a tweak to the routine here or there can make a difference.

Re holidays - I found that when the DCs were very little it was best to keep their basic routine fairly untouched. Normal getting up/going to bed times. Usual food.

When they're older, 5, 6, 7 they start to find differences to their routine exciting rather than disrupting.

Robin.

Ok, struggling was the wrong word. I know when DH came home to me basically throwing a baby and toddler at hime, he'd get a bit pissed off and I'd get pissed off in turn. He needed time to wind down, which is why I asked whether you get any time to yourself/ selves

Dont make things just a battle and come on mintty looking after a couple of children and not doing an actual job at all is hardly that stressful