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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being dropped off at a bus stop with a sleeping child is mean

165 replies

calmseeker · 21/06/2014 20:51

Sometimes I have been to various places with my friend in and around the city. She lives about 10 minutes in a car (from me). I don't have a car and appreciate the offer to go somewhere together. Generally I buy her a coffee or something as a token of thanks.
She has two children both slightly older than my daughter who is 3. Frequently on the way back she will say 'I will drop you off at the bus stop'. On a few occasions my child has actually been asleep and a few times it has been raining heavily. I don't expect perfection from my friends but am infuriated by this. She is a fairly fiery person so I have not said anything directly. Obviously there are things about her I like a lot. But I am at the point now where I just can hardly be bothered.

OP posts:
Objection · 22/06/2014 08:13

I passed my driving license over 2 years ago and I'm still so chuffed at being able to drive places that I'm happy to give pretty much anyone a lift.

YANBU. I can understand it in an unusual situation - she needs to get to an appointment or something - but as a general rule, it would be nice to give a lift home.

Sidthesausage · 22/06/2014 08:22

I'd always bend over backwards to help my friend as long as I didn't feel they were taking the mick. I wouldn't think anything of driving a friend an extra mile.

2rebecca · 22/06/2014 08:27

It sounds as though you should just stop going. You say your friend would go anyway as she would go with her children anyway so she isn't going specially to meet you. You sound as though you aren't as bothered about doing the activity with your child as she is, maybe because your daughter is young and gets tired out by it. If you don't enjoy it then stop going or only agree to go if the weather forecast is good. For half a mile I'd just walk. It sounds as though accepting the lift to the bus stop just makes things worse as your daughter falls asleep.
I think discussing whether or not your friend should give you a lift home is irrelevant, she doesn't so you have to decide whether or not you still want to go out if you have to walk or get a bus there and back.

ThePowerOfMe · 22/06/2014 08:33

I think it's mean of your friend to offer a lift and then drop you off at the bus stop regardless of the rain or not.
I often meet friends about a mile away from my house and I always walk. No one offers me a lift back and I don't expect it (but I'm a driver anyway).
I also wouldn't offer a lift for a short journey unless it was suddenly pouring with rain or there was a reason. Not because I was being mean, but it just doesn't seem necessary.
I do have a couple of friends who don't drive and I'm always happy to pick them up and drop them off if we re going somewhere further away.

Hakluyt · 22/06/2014 08:34

One of the many baffling thing about Mumsnet is the attitude to giving lifts. Well, to favours in general, actually. This whole idea of keeping some sort of "tally". Who honestly lives like that? "I'm not inviting that child to tea again- his mum has only had my ds back 3 times and I've had hers 5" "Why should I give anyone a lift- I like driving around with 4 empty seats! and anyway she's only bought me 2 Costa Coffees this week, so I only have to drive her half the way home" It must be so exhausting keeping count..........

lampygirl · 22/06/2014 09:28

As the owner of a large estate car I usually am expected to drive. Particularly long trips.

If I want to go somewhere and wish for a friend to come, I would offer the service door to door. In this instance I would rather my other expenses be covered eg they buy me lunch rather than throwing me a random amount of change. At the same time, I would offer to pick them up and drop them off from their house etc.

If it was essentially a 'well you are going, it makes sense for us to all go together, you can drive as we all fit most comfortably in your car' I'd expect everyone to get to/from mine on a long journey and would expect fuel contribution close the the 40p a mile I'd get driving to work. It's not just fuel, an additional 5k miles have been put on my car and tyres being taxi this year.

Depends on the situation entirely. I have a friend who lives down a funny one way loop. This is inconvenient, so always suggests I drop her at the end of her street. I'd also drop her here if it was raining or whatever as she has suggested it as an appropriate place.

Nomama · 22/06/2014 09:35

Why wouldn't it be OK?

Plenty of people start their journey home with a sleeping child at a bus stop. Public transport isn't a punishment!

With 2 other kids on board at the end of a day out why isn't it logical for the driver to choose not to take a roundabout route but to drop off a passenger at a convenient bus stop?

That way the driver's day isn't extended much in time or costs and the passenger gets a shorter bus trip and reduced costs too.

Or am I missing something, as in the person getting the favour must be absolutely catered to, at any inconvenience to the driver?

HarrySnotter · 22/06/2014 09:47

I knew there would be the 'you're so entitled/Shes not a taxi driver' crap on here as soon as I read the OP. My friend doesnt drive, lives 15 minutes away so I pick her up and take her home because she's my friend and I like spending time with her. She normally buys the lunch or something. I think its utterly shitty to leave you at the bus stop but unfortunately there are a lot of mean spirited folk around. You just need to look at this thread tbh.

HarrySnotter · 22/06/2014 09:49

Agreed Hak, maybe they keep a wee tally like a bar chart on their wall or something just to ensure they don't do an extra favour for someone in error.

hellskitty · 22/06/2014 11:00

I don't think you are seeing it from her POV.
You make your own way there, she thinks I might as well give Op a lift as far as I'm going to save her some time/money/leg usage. Instead of thinking 'thankyou' you think she's mean because she should have 20mins out of her way to take me door to door.Half a mile walk is absolutely nothing even with a recently awaken 3 yr old or in the rain.

PuppyMonkey · 22/06/2014 11:30

Hells Kitty, half a mile is even quicker in a FRIEND'S car. I still think people have missed that the op and the lift giver are friends.Confused

Hakluyt · 22/06/2014 11:36

"Hells Kitty, half a mile is even quicker in a FRIEND'S car. I still think people have missed that the op and the lift giver are friends."

THIS!

OnlyLovers · 22/06/2014 11:43

Sleeping child or no sleeping child, not dropping you at home is mean IMO.

I don't drive but I like to think that if I did, and I'd offered to give friends lifts, I'd take them home.

annielouise · 22/06/2014 11:56

I'm getting mixed messages here. I read the OP and think you're all going out together and she's picking you up in her car. You go to wherever, you buy a coffee as thanks then she takes you part way home or to a convenient bus stop where you can catch a bus home.

First of all I'd probably take you all the way home. However, you then say in your second post you often meet her wherever it is you're going. Presumably then you don't need to buy her a coffee as she' neither picked you up or going to take you home.

Why don't you just arrange to meet in places that it's easy for you to get to by bus. I wouldn't want to be beholden to anyone picking me up especially if they're not dropping you back to your door. Do places that are easy with one bus trip not complicated trips that involve a bus change. If it annoys you that much don't put yourself in that position. Also, make excuses to babysit in future if you feel taken advantage of.

annielouise · 22/06/2014 12:02

Before I had a car friends would take me out. They'd pick me up, I'd buy lunch wherever we were plus coffees plus ice creams for kids/adults, they'd drop me home to the door. It works well. Maybe she thinks the coffee alone is stingy. Maybe if you add a sandwich or cake to that plus ice lollies for the kids she'd feel more inclined to take you all the way home. It's hard keeping a balance in a friendship. Who keeps tally after all? Although I know some do but I'd rather be the more generous one as it keeps my conscience clear. Sometimes it filters through that you're being taken advantage of. I have a friend who I think has not offered to buy lunch the past 3 times and it's been down to me. I need to keep more of a mental note as I'm not 100% sure, just a feeling. Nice to be generous but I won't be a mug.

Nomama · 22/06/2014 12:02

Yes, friends. So why is it that the driver is the one who is expected to give, time, money, kindness?

That's all I am asking. I haven't done the 'ooh you're so entitled' bit I am just asking... why is the OP, or any other non driver, in the right to expect to be dropped home. Is it one of those MN things?

If it was me as the non driver (as it used to be) I'd ask to be dropped off wherever the driver's route home coincided with mine. Then the driver wouldn't be put out and I'd have got a partial lift. If that place was a bus stop, all the better!

HavanaSlife · 22/06/2014 12:09

Nomama did you not read the part where the op says she often looks after the friends children?

Aradia · 22/06/2014 12:10

Wow some people are so mean, glad I don't have friends like some of you! Hmm

I'm a driver and would take my friends on day trips etc as isn't that what friends do? Help each other? I would never dream of dropping a friend and her sleeping child off the bus stop, because I'm not a twat. YANBU OP. I would find nicer friends.

Hakluyt · 22/06/2014 12:10

"That's all I am asking. I haven't done the 'ooh you're so entitled' bit I am just asking... why is the OP, or any other non driver, in the right to expect to be dropped home. Is it one of those MN things?"

No- it's real life thing. It's only on Mumsnet that people keep a mean spirited tally of favours given and favours received. Well, I have never met any real life people that did it. Thankfully.

LemonSquares · 22/06/2014 12:15

We don't drive and I've gotten around with three under 4 with feet and public transport. I don’t expect lifts from people and we always offer to pay and are grateful.

However I have experienced when traveling by myself and someone insisting the give me a lift - fine I'm very grateful - then they decide to drop me of before the location in a random area and I have to figure out public transport when I don’t know the bus routes, price or where to get off or where they hell I am to walk it. It's one of those favours that you don't want and that ends up costing you.

I can see it's hard to get out of a car wake a sleeping DC and have them be cranky while you wait and get a bus but if it made the journey a bit easier ie I didn't have to walk whose way I'd still be happy with the partial lift.

If it made things harder I'd turn the lift now next time and reconsider meeting this friend and go to places when it suit me a bit more.

HarrySnotter · 22/06/2014 12:18

Nomama the OP often looks after this woman's children. Is that not a kindness? None of my friends behave like the OP's friend. WWee help each other out, sometimes that might mean putting yourself out a bit for people you care about, just to be nice and shock horror, for no personal gain. I take my friends DD to school three days a week, she helps me out too sometimes.

treaclesoda · 22/06/2014 12:19

I don't keep a tally of favours given against favours received and I think in the circumstances described I would most likely have taken the OP to her home unless I was in a particular hurry to go somewhere else and just didn't have time.

Having said all that, sometimes I do think non drivers underestimate how inconvenient it can sometimes be for a driver to give them a lift. I used to be friends with a woman who had never driven and thought nothing of asking for a lift somewhere even though she lived an hours drive away. She never offered petrol money, or to buy a coffee or whatever and was horribly offended and thought people were very selfish if they refused, because 'you have a car, you've no idea how hard it is to get around without one'.

I know the OP doesn't fit this description, but these people do exist and when you've had one in your life it does make you wary of offering lifts.

HarrySnotter · 22/06/2014 12:19

Nomama the OP often looks after this woman's children. Is that not a kindness? None of my friends behave like the OP's friend. WWee help each other out, sometimes that might mean putting yourself out a bit for people you care about, just to be nice and shock horror, for no personal gain. I take my friends DD to school three days a week, she helps me out too sometimes.

HermioneWeasley · 22/06/2014 12:23

OP, you say she offers a lift- how does she word it? Is it a lift "home"?

LemonSquares · 22/06/2014 12:24

treaclesoda right my IL are like that - they have never driven.

It's one of several reasons we don't drive.

I've already been told when I do I can drive over an hour and back another hour to bring MIL to our house so she can baby sit for an hour - then drive her back and come home. 4 hours driving presumably with DC in car for an hours favour – and she can’t see an issue as it’s only an hours journey Hmm.

That doesn't mean it applies here though.