To think being dropped off at a bus stop with a sleeping child is mean

[calmseeker]

Sometimes I have been to various places with my friend in and around the city. She lives about 10 minutes in a car (from me). I don't have a car and appreciate the offer to go somewhere together. Generally I buy her a coffee or something as a token of thanks.
She has two children both slightly older than my daughter who is 3. Frequently on the way back she will say 'I will drop you off at the bus stop'. On a few occasions my child has actually been asleep and a few times it has been raining heavily. I don't expect perfection from my friends but am infuriated by this. She is a fairly fiery person so I have not said anything directly. Obviously there are things about her I like a lot. But I am at the point now where I just can hardly be bothered.

I would take you all the way home, but I'm often accused of being soft. I wouldn't do it because I'm soft, I'd want to do it because if you were a good pal, I would appreciate your company for another ten minutes.

YANBU. I drive, and I drop / collect when I can. For me it's an extra 10 minutes and a few quid (if that) in diesel. For my non driver friend it's waiting for a bus, sitting on a bus then walking from the bus stop home. Probably half an hour. Especially when we were all in the car already. If I knew that I didn't have time or didn't want it I'd just say I was really pressed and could give a lift today, sorry. IME people who don't drive are quite used to and prepared for taking public transport, and while happy to accept a lift do not expect or rely on one.

I think it all depends what the backstory is.
My sister has a friend who doesn't drive, and everything always works out in her favour - she's always the ind who gets to drink, saves a shit load of money etc.
Also bear in mind the sleeping child would have only had ten more minutes sleep, as she would have had to be moved anyway once you were home.
I don't think yabu but would urge all nondrivers to think about things from drivers pov.

Not a nice thing to do really when you have a small child in tow. On your own though I'd have no problem with it.

If you buy coffee, mind her kids and do favours it does sound like a fairly equal friendship.

Maybe it's time to stop accepting lifts. Still meet up but explain that it's a bit of a nightmare having to wake up the three year old and get her onto a bus.

I wonder if she feels taken for granted a bit. What happens when it's time to come home? Do you just say goodbye and go for the bus and she insists on giving you a lift? If so then she's being mean not taking you all the way.

I know you meet your friend at the venue. You wouldn't expect her to pick you up if it were raining or your child was asleep so I don't see what is different on the way back. I agree with whoever said that if it's a short ride just keep her awake in the car or say no to the drive to the bus stop and make your own way back. If she's tired she can sleep when she gets home. She's only getting 10 minutes sleep anyway.

Have you ever tried offering her petrol money to take you home?

If she lives 10 minutes away from you, depending on the direction of the place you meet, taking you home could add at least an extra 20 minutes onto her journey.

It's mean if she's passing your house or only has to go a couple of minutes out of her way, but any more than that I think is fair enough for her to drop you at the bus stop. Especially when she has her own children in the car. She obviously thinks she's helping you out by doing that, she probably wouldn't bother if she knew that it just led you to resent her not taking you all the way.

You say that she would be going to this place whether or not you were there, but would you go whether or nit she were there?

YANBU . I wouldn't do that in her position. I would take you home or have you stay.

I personally couldn't imagine dropping her or anyone else off at the bus stop especially in the rain or if the child was asleep but it is interesting that there are some people that think this is OK

But your not the one dropping off , your the one who would get home earlier and with less hassle. Why does a person HAVE to go out of their way and cause themselves more driving/traffic issues and get home later. It's not her fault you don't have a car.

Yes I would probably go to all the places we go to obviously at different times but yes they are all parks and places of interest I take my child to frequently. Yes I could offer her petrol money. As I said I am not perfect but if the roles were reversed I would probably think doing the odd bit or child minding and coffee was fine.

I would personally always happily drive someone a 10 minute drive away. It's not like I was walking them, carrying their sleeping child on my back.

OP, if I were you I would leave this friendship.

If they are not prepared to drive an extra 20 mins (10 mins there and 10 back) sitting in their nice warm car, instead preferring to leave a friend and a sleepy child in the rain at a bus stop, then they are not much of a friend, in my view.

Does she ever buy the coffee, or do any babysitting, or is that just you?

I buy the coffee and my child has only been looked after by her once.

Err....does she have a suitable carseat/booster for your dd? If not, why are you both in the car to start with?

Wow there are some mean-spirited people about!

I am usually the designated driver as I don't often drink. Sometimes I will pick people up en route to save time but I would always drive them home, whatever time of day and especially in bad weather or with a sleeping child.

20 minutes out of my way for a friend is neither here nor there!

My friends often pay for my tea or a drink to say thanks so buying coffee is pretty normal. However, do you think offering to share the cost of the petrol would be appreciated?

On the other hand, she sounds like a mean cow so perhaps it's not worth it...

dear OP
is she a taxi driver?

I like my friends and often drive them home. I wouldn't dream of leaving a friend in the rain at a bus stop - let alone with a sleeping child. That's not how I treat my friends, nor how they treat me.

No YANBU. ANY decent person would take you home. I can;t think of ONE friend who would do that. I think you should tell her and dump her.

It is mean not dropping home when it's raining if your child asleep, I would just make your own way home and decline the lift, what's the point if your getting the bus anyway!

It's not mean spirited if she is constantly doing this for her various non driving friends daily. To them it's a one off, to her it may be daily. Life is busy, twenty minutes is often a big deal.

I guess it all depends on whether you ask her for a lift or she offers. If she offers then she should drive you home, if you ask then I don't think she is bu to not go out of her way.

She may feel that you go expecting a lift home and feels a bit taken for granted?

I have a friend whose baby is a few weeks younger than my dd, she doesn't drive and in order for her to go to some of the places a group of us meet up at she needs a lift. I offer to collect her and drop her off but if she asked then I would probably drop her back near a bus stop on my route home as her house is significantly out of the way amd adds about half an hour onto my journey

YANBU. I would be upset too.

Look just because op does not have a car does not mean she does nothing for her friend, she babysits fir her regularly, that's a big favour op does. Very mean people on here.

Yanbu. I would drive you all the way unless pressed for time. I was a non driver for years and I'm so glad now to be able to help friends out. Imo, that's what friends are for and I'd be happy with being bought coffee!