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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset about sister's boyfriend making other plans after agreeing to babysit for me?

147 replies

extremepie · 20/06/2014 22:12

My sister and I have some mutual friends (a couple) who live fairly close to me. They are also close friends of her boyfriend.

My birthday is coming up and I had planned to go on a night out with my sister and some other friends as I haven't been out with my sister at all in the last year - she is my only family in this part of the country and I don't have many friends so I have had no one else to babysit for me except her so when I do go out she is always the one to babysit!

I had asked if there was any chance her boyfriend could babysit for me on the night of my birthday so that, for once, we could go out together. She and him had had many discussions about this and as far as I was as aware he had agreed.

I have been invited to said mutual friend's birthday party which just so happens to be being held on my birthday and sisters boyfriend has agreed to go. So obviously he isn't planning on babysitting for me and wasn't planning to tell me he had a better offer!

I'm now really upset as if my sister agrees to go to this party I will have no babysitter at all and will be sitting at home on my own on my birthday. If she doesn't go, she is sitting at home on my birthday, missing out on both parties and I will have to go out without her!

Just really upset as my birthday last year totally sucked, ExH didn't even bother to make any effort for it, didn't get me a present, didn't even let me have a lie in and take the kids to school which was literally the only thing I had asked for. All the friends I had arranged to go out with on the day bailed out on me and the only person who did turn up went home early :(

After a really shitty year I was really hoping to have a good celebration for my birthday this year and now it's all gone tits up.

Aibu to be upset? I know sister's bf is perfectly within his rights to attend his friend's birthday but he had already agreed to babysit for me! He knows how difficult things are for me regarding childcare so he knows I will have no other option if he says no except my sister - either that or stay at home and do nothing for my birthday :(

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 20/06/2014 22:17

Did you not speak to him yourself regarding this arrangement?

Burren · 20/06/2014 22:20

'As far as I was aware he had agreed' is key here -did you actually talk to him yourself and have an explicit agreement on date and times ?

windchime · 20/06/2014 22:21

Professional babysitters are available. Just google for your area.

PrincessBabyCat · 20/06/2014 22:22

Can you talk to him and call him on it? If he agreed he should stick to that agreement. How old are your DC's? Perhaps you can take them with you? So long as you aren't bar hopping, I don't see why taking them to celebrate your birthday would be a big deal. Not ideal mind you, but not the end of the world either. Me and DH took baby DD along for a couple date nights. We couldn't go to the theater with her, but otherwise it didn't limit a fun day out and dinner afterwards.

defineme · 20/06/2014 22:23

Oh you poor thing. I don't suppose you have sny friends with teenage kids who could babysit paid or could you afford an agency?

AgentZigzag · 20/06/2014 22:24

Of course it's up to him whether he babysits or not, but he could have told you if he'd agreed to.

But then did he agree? You said your sister had 'many discussions' about it with him, that sounds as though he didn't really want to. I know you want to go out, but do you really want someone babysitting for you when they're not really up for it?

Is there really nobody else you can ask? How old are your DC?

HumphreyCobbler · 20/06/2014 22:25

what a shame. I am sorry you have been let down. Is there no one else you could ask? Any chance you could try and celebrate another time?

Coffee and Burren, I don't know why the hard questions? What is wrong with a bit of sympathy? Or are you too keen on showing the OP that she IS unreasonable to not have sorted it better? Pah to you.

Original poster
extremepie · 20/06/2014 22:33

Its been difficult to actually speak to him directly as he works as a security guard doing night shifts so he's usually either out at work or sleeping! Hence why I sort of rely on my sister to speak to him :/

DC's are 7&6, my youngest has ASD so difficult to get childcare but not impossible I suppose.

Out of curiosity what time to agencies usually stay until? I was planning on going out drinking and clubbing for a few drinks so can't take the kids with and wanted to be back very late!

There really isn't anyone else I can ask, I barely even know anyone in this area beyond the mutual friends, my sister, her bf and my bf :(

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 20/06/2014 23:07

You need to find yourself someone that wants to do some babysitting. Try local colleges, especially ones that run childcare courses. Or ask at the school, some teachers might have teenagers that would like to make some money, or maybe there's a TA that would be willing to do it.

I don't think you can be cross with the boyfriend if you haven't even spoken to him yourself.

Waltermittythesequel · 20/06/2014 23:12

I'm probably going to sound unsympathetic because I don't get making birthdays big deals as an adult but do you have to go on your actual birthday? Could you maybe do something the night before/after?

Or could you have sister and friends around for dinner/wine so you won't have to go out?

Hoofdegebouw · 20/06/2014 23:13

We use an agency and they have stayed til 2.30am before now. You specify the hours in advance so someone would only take the job if they were happy staying that late - so no need to feel guilty.

SaucyJack · 20/06/2014 23:20

My honest opinion is that you probably shouldn't be relying on random non-family members in the first place. Most people don't want to give up their weekends to look after other people's kids for nothing, let's face it. I was on my own with my oldest two and apart from one occasion when a good friend offered, I never sent them anywhere other than their dad's or my mum's every now and then.

Original poster
extremepie · 20/06/2014 23:20

I'd really prefer to do something on my actual birthday as it's a Saturday so it's the best night for going out, not essential I suppose but I would really like to go out on my actual birthday for once :/ Would also depend on sister's bf's shifts as he might be working on other days.

I may be able to have my sister round if she doesn't go to the other party but I really wanted to go OUT as I am a SAHM at the moment (not by choice) and spend so much of my time shut up in the house as it is! I wanted it to be special! Something that we don't get to every day, other wise it will just feel like another boring day where no one cares about me enough to make an effort :(

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 20/06/2014 23:23

'other wise it will just feel like another boring day where no one cares about me enough to make an effort'

That says it's not just about this one day, how are you doing at other times?

Original poster
extremepie · 20/06/2014 23:23

Saucy - it's not the whole weekend, it's one Saturday night!

I also never said I wasn't going to pay him for it :/

All my family (other than my sister) live at least 300 miles away, as does the DC's dad so what am I supposed to do? Never leave the house again?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 20/06/2014 23:26

Are you happy living so far away from your family? Not just for babysitting of course Grin but maybe other types of support and that.

Original poster
extremepie · 20/06/2014 23:30

Agent, not good really, like I said it feels like no one cares about me enough to make an effort!

I love my sister completely and she has been brilliant this past shitty year so I really really desperately wanted the chance to take her out and have a good time to celebrate my birthday instead of leaving her at home to look after the kids while I go out. Her boyfriends knows how difficult things have been lately and, while he is under no obligation to me I just am so disappointed that he's changed his mind about babysitting because he's had a better offer :(

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 20/06/2014 23:34

Does your child with asd have 1 to 1 or a general ta in the classroom?
I ask because this person might be willing to earn an extra bit out of school. Honestly it isn't unusual for ta's to do this.
The bonus is that this person already knows at least one of your children.

theeternalstudent · 20/06/2014 23:34

extreme - of course you are entitled to go out and have a good time. however for a lot of people birthdays are just not that important. I know that for me I would be happy to go out any time close to my birthday, it wouldn't need to be on the exact date. Maybe your friends think the same and it's not that they don't care enough about you to make an effort.

Also, I guess the real reason that I wanted to post is that I feel from you a certain desperation in getting out and having a bit of time to yourself that you will almost take any one who is willing to look after your children. That is such a scary prospect. You really need to make sure you have good child care sorted. Please don't risk your children's safety for a night out. I would look into a professional service. It may cost a bit more but the safety of your children must be paramount.

Original poster
extremepie · 20/06/2014 23:35

I'm happy living where I am but obviously I would prefer it if my family were around - I hate where I used to live and I've really recently moved house, getting a loan from the council to fund it. The kids are settled down here now so I really don't want to move back!

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 20/06/2014 23:39

Well eternal I'm not exactly inundated with offers from people to look after them so I can't just take anyone!

I'm in a rural area so people who are close by who can babysit (even agencies) are quite sparse.

Yes I am desperate to get out, in more ways than one :(

Yes ds does have a 1:1, he is reasonably severe - I can ask the TA but I don't think she will.

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 20/06/2014 23:40

I personally find it worrying that you want to go out getting pissed when you have two small kids to come home to. What it something happened and you were too sloshed to deal with it? There's a difference between never going out the house again and going getting pissed up like a teen

AgentZigzag · 20/06/2014 23:41

What would your sister want you to do?

I know you want to create a better memory to start getting away from the past year, but maybe she'd rather you had a great time on the Saturday while she babysat, and then have another night when you do something together.

It doesn't sound to me as though nobody gives a shit about you Smile

And you don't know for sure whether he's babysitting or not yet! He only said he's going on facebook, that doesn't mean anything, he might have forgotten he was going round to yours and be totally fine with it when he's reminded.

SoonToBeSix · 20/06/2014 23:50

Sharon the op said for a few drinks, not to get plastered , don't be so judgmental.

AgentZigzag · 20/06/2014 23:57

I wouldn't blame her wanting to get plastered SoonT, after such a shitty year.

But wanting to and doing it are two different things.