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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset about sister's boyfriend making other plans after agreeing to babysit for me?

147 replies

extremepie · 20/06/2014 22:12

My sister and I have some mutual friends (a couple) who live fairly close to me. They are also close friends of her boyfriend.

My birthday is coming up and I had planned to go on a night out with my sister and some other friends as I haven't been out with my sister at all in the last year - she is my only family in this part of the country and I don't have many friends so I have had no one else to babysit for me except her so when I do go out she is always the one to babysit!

I had asked if there was any chance her boyfriend could babysit for me on the night of my birthday so that, for once, we could go out together. She and him had had many discussions about this and as far as I was as aware he had agreed.

I have been invited to said mutual friend's birthday party which just so happens to be being held on my birthday and sisters boyfriend has agreed to go. So obviously he isn't planning on babysitting for me and wasn't planning to tell me he had a better offer!

I'm now really upset as if my sister agrees to go to this party I will have no babysitter at all and will be sitting at home on my own on my birthday. If she doesn't go, she is sitting at home on my birthday, missing out on both parties and I will have to go out without her!

Just really upset as my birthday last year totally sucked, ExH didn't even bother to make any effort for it, didn't get me a present, didn't even let me have a lie in and take the kids to school which was literally the only thing I had asked for. All the friends I had arranged to go out with on the day bailed out on me and the only person who did turn up went home early :(

After a really shitty year I was really hoping to have a good celebration for my birthday this year and now it's all gone tits up.

Aibu to be upset? I know sister's bf is perfectly within his rights to attend his friend's birthday but he had already agreed to babysit for me! He knows how difficult things are for me regarding childcare so he knows I will have no other option if he says no except my sister - either that or stay at home and do nothing for my birthday :(

OP posts:
MissDuke · 21/06/2014 11:57

Hmmm it sounds very tough for you right now :-(

Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 12:00

I think I'm just angry in general, life just feels so fucking unfair sometimes and there's little I can do about it :(

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 21/06/2014 12:01

Fucking hell! Your bf is that much of a cunt about you and your kids and you want him coming on your birthday night out? Fuck. That.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 21/06/2014 12:04

Sometimes you just accept you cant do the things you really want to. Its sad but its dealing with your lot.
My best mates daughter is profundly disabled and for her 40th for the first time ever she decided she wanted to go away for the night at a posh hotel with nightclub on site etc and have a great time. However her daughter became unwell and her 19 year old daughter who was looking after her didnt feel comfortable on her own with her. She ended up leaving in the early hours in a taxi. Shes been a single parent for years and I do feel for her as her social life is limited but its the way it is.

Branleuse · 21/06/2014 12:08

it sounds like this is the straw that breaks the camels back.
Something's got to give. Try not to focus on the babysitting thing because thats just one night. You need to come up with a plan to get your life back. You sound strong, but down and it sounds so frustrating. There will be solutions and ways to get your life back. We need to help you think of some x

Maryz · 21/06/2014 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 21/06/2014 12:16

Your last couple of posts put in a whole lot of extra information from what people have been answering in the first 3 pages though.

Essentially - yes, it's wrong of anyone to let you down if they have agreed to sit for you, however you hadn't spoken to him directly and definitely confirmed he did agree - there was some assuming going on.

Secondly, say to him that you understand he wants to go to his friend's party, but that you'd also like to go for a night out with your sister so is there another night that he could sit, then go out then. It doesn't have to be your actual birthday to have a celebratory night out.

Thirdly, logistically this isn't going to change unless you are pro-active in making it change - if your sister is your only babysitter normally, and also your only person you like to go out with, then it can't work, can it? You need to either choose to pay out for an agency person, or get chatting to people - neighbours, ex-colleagues, other parents at school and ask if anyone knows anyone who would do a bit of babysitting. If you don't ask, you're not going to know. Then build up the relationship with them. Equally, perhaps build up your circle of friends so you aren't so reliant on your sister for going out.

Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 12:18

Thank you :)

I'm sure it will all work out ok in the end I'm just having one of those days where I think the world is against me but I'll get over it!

At least I still have my sister :D

OP posts:
Somersetlady · 21/06/2014 12:21

Unless you are aged 12 I'd imagine you could arrange to celebrate your birthday with your sister and have her BF babysit the night gefore or the night after or another weekend entirely.............

littlemisssarcastic · 21/06/2014 12:23

Nobody is saying that OP shouldn't have a night out.
What would your suggestions be Maryz?

There is no one on the planet apart from OP's sisters boyfriend who OP can reasonably get to babysit. She has no friends to help, her boyfriend won't help and besides, OP wants him to go on the night out too. Same applies to her sister. Her parents won't travel 300 odd miles to babysit and her xp refuses to help.
She cannot get a babysitter through an agency (I missed the reason why, sorry.)
She doesn't want to ask the TA at school because they'll probably say no.
She doesn't want to go out on a different night when the sisters boyfriend presumably won't be going to the same party as OP wants to go to on that night.
What other possibilities are there? If anyone can think of any other way round the situation, I'm sure OP would be interested to hear them. Smile

RandallFloyd · 21/06/2014 12:29

Living up to your NN there, littlemisssarcastic. Hmm

Maybe there isn't a solution. Maybe that's the whole problem.
Maybe, just maybe, Extreme just needed to vent and mistakenly thought a site 'by parents for parents' would be the ideal place to get it off her chest.

Maybe she missed the memo (as did I apparently) that informs you that once you become a parent you can't want a night off, ever. And that craving a birthday night out makes you 12.

Dear god there's some sanctimonious bilge being spewed on here.

littlemisssarcastic · 21/06/2014 12:33

Just making the point that at no time have I seen anyone say that OP should never ever have a night out.

spookySwitched · 21/06/2014 12:35

Extreme pie, being on your own is better than 'making do' with someone who doesn't love you enough to accept your children. He will erode your self confidence and make you choose his wishes over your children's best interests.

Making do will never make you happy, and you might miss out on meeting someone really special.

Whocares156 · 21/06/2014 12:36

I'm sad that you would leave your kids with someone that clearly doesn't want to look after them so that you can go out and get pissed with your own boyfriend who also doesn't want to look after them

I think this is really sad too Sad

Is getting pissed so important?

Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 12:38

I can get a sitter through an agency (possibly), I am looking into it at the moment!

The TA won't even start 5 minutes before the school day begins so I think it's unlikely she'll want to look after the kids for a whole evening on the weekend.

I can go out on a different night but I think it's still unlikely that sister's bf will babysit for me since he has a previous track record of agreeing to babysit then cancelling at the last minute!

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 12:43

Yes Who, that's right, feels sorry for my children because I am OBVIOUSLY such a bad mothers that I am OBVIOUSLY being completely selfish in wanting to go out for my birthday. And wanting someone that myself and the kids know well to look after them while I go out is OBVIOUSLY extremely sad, my poor children are so hard done by! I know, since I'm so awful, why don't you take them off my hands and show them what a real, perfect mother is supposed to be like!

If getting pissed was that important I could just sit and home on my sofa and get pissed, it's the going out that I really want.

OP posts:
spookySwitched · 21/06/2014 12:44

Could it be your sisters boyf is maybe a bit scared of watching your kids? If he's no children of his own the though of looking after your two, one of which has special needs is a bit daunting especially if he has to get the to bed and sleep.
He sounds like a nice guy who wants to help but maybe as the babysitting date approaches he starts getting a little worried about how he will cope?

WeirdCatLady · 21/06/2014 12:45

How about having your sister round one of the evenings? Both get dolled up, cook something nice, get some nice wine in.

I understand wanting to go out, but I don't think that is going to be possible this birthday so it's time to try to think of a nice alternative rather than getting angry about things you can't change.

Numanoid · 21/06/2014 12:48

Is getting pissed so important?

Am I missing something, or are parents not allowed to go out for a drink, and get drunk if they want to? It's not important what she does, the important thing is extremepie has a much-needed night out to enjoy herself on her birthday. Again I might be wrong, but I never saw her mentioned she was going to get ridiculously drunk, I've only seen her posting that she would be drinking alcohol.

My mum went out every so often for a drink with friends when I was younger. She isn't big on drinking and going out, but I'm glad she did have nights out! I have no doubt whatsoever that my mum did and still does love me, and put my wellbeing before anything else. She spent most of her nights (the huge majority) at home with me, but I'm glad she had a break every now and then to go out with friends.

I think it's horrible that people are making the OP feel bad about wanting to go out clubbing for one night of the year. Presumably she will be spending the day with her DC and is clearly concerned about them being properly looked after, to the extent she is willing to stay in and not celebrate if needs be.

Extremepie - YANBU and you have every reason to feel disappointed. Unfortunately these things happen. :(

Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 12:48

I think I know that deep down spooky it's just very hard because it's just that one issue that's a problem. It's a massive issue so it probably is a deal breaker but I just can't stand the idea of being even more alone than I currently am.

Besides, the way I feel right now, who would even want me? Clearly my own bf doesn't think being with me is worth the hassle of having to take on the kids so how could I expect a completely new person, a stranger effectively to take us all on? Where do I even meet people anyway? I have no job, no friends, no social life and all the guys I've met online seem to just want a fuck :(

I know a relationship is not the be all and end all but at the moment I just feel like I'll fall apart without it :(

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 12:51

Sister's bf has 2 sons of his own but only has them every other weekend, the younger one he doesn't have overnight though. They are similar ages to my boys :)

OP posts:
spookySwitched · 21/06/2014 12:54

The reason I suggest he's nervous about watching the children is I have agreed to watch my friends 5 year old in a couple if weeks.
She's a single mum and doesn't have anyone else so very rarely gets the opportunity to go anywhere. Her son is autistic and although he knows me and I have my own children (so I'm used to children) I'm really nervous as I really don't know how he will act and what I should do if he kicks off.

Tbh I'd like to cancel but I know she is so excited about going out.

NotYouNaanBread · 21/06/2014 13:00

childcare.co.uk

Unless you live in a village with about 20 inhabitants, you will be able to find a babysitter.

BIWI · 21/06/2014 13:05

extremepie - where do you live? Can any of us help out?

Have you tried your local board to see if there's anyone who can babysit or recommend a babysitter for you?

I can't believe the sanctimonious and unpleasant shit that so many on here are posting. You should be ashamed of yourself. Why not try, just for once, to put yourselves in the OP's place and have a little bit of empathy?

RandallFloyd · 21/06/2014 13:13

I feel for you, I really do.
I don't have any babysitters except for XDH. His job means he works most Friday and Saturday nights.

I'm sure there are such a thing as babysitting agencies but apart from the fact that I couldn't justify the expense I can't leave a 2yo with suspected ASD with a random stranger. I don't care how well qualified, highly recommended or verified they are, if DS woke up in the night and was confronted with a stranger he would be hysterical.

Why are some people incapable of considering the fact that other people's situations may be different to their own? What may seem like the obvious solution to you may be completely unfeasible to someone else.

If course a night in is an option. It's the one I pretty much alway take, and I enjoy it very much but it's not the same. A real night out, in an adult place, with adult friends; just a couple of hours without one ear on the monitor, doing grown up things. I'm quite sure it's something lots of people aren't remotely bothered about but when you can't do something so simple you grow to crave it so badly.

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