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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset about sister's boyfriend making other plans after agreeing to babysit for me?

147 replies

extremepie · 20/06/2014 22:12

My sister and I have some mutual friends (a couple) who live fairly close to me. They are also close friends of her boyfriend.

My birthday is coming up and I had planned to go on a night out with my sister and some other friends as I haven't been out with my sister at all in the last year - she is my only family in this part of the country and I don't have many friends so I have had no one else to babysit for me except her so when I do go out she is always the one to babysit!

I had asked if there was any chance her boyfriend could babysit for me on the night of my birthday so that, for once, we could go out together. She and him had had many discussions about this and as far as I was as aware he had agreed.

I have been invited to said mutual friend's birthday party which just so happens to be being held on my birthday and sisters boyfriend has agreed to go. So obviously he isn't planning on babysitting for me and wasn't planning to tell me he had a better offer!

I'm now really upset as if my sister agrees to go to this party I will have no babysitter at all and will be sitting at home on my own on my birthday. If she doesn't go, she is sitting at home on my birthday, missing out on both parties and I will have to go out without her!

Just really upset as my birthday last year totally sucked, ExH didn't even bother to make any effort for it, didn't get me a present, didn't even let me have a lie in and take the kids to school which was literally the only thing I had asked for. All the friends I had arranged to go out with on the day bailed out on me and the only person who did turn up went home early :(

After a really shitty year I was really hoping to have a good celebration for my birthday this year and now it's all gone tits up.

Aibu to be upset? I know sister's bf is perfectly within his rights to attend his friend's birthday but he had already agreed to babysit for me! He knows how difficult things are for me regarding childcare so he knows I will have no other option if he says no except my sister - either that or stay at home and do nothing for my birthday :(

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 21/06/2014 13:21

Sad for you. It's horrible when you get all excited about something and then it all falls to pieces.

What I'd suggest is having a word with your DS's 1-1 TA. Say "I really need a babysitter for X date as I have been let down. You know DS better than most people - do you know of anyone who would be a good person to be able to put the DCs to bed for me and babysit? I'd be able to pay £xx for the night."

That way she has the option of:

  • doing it herself
  • recommending a teenage relative whom she can advise (and presumably support on the night if there are any problems)
  • not do it herself but not feeling as if she is having to turn you down
RandallFloyd · 21/06/2014 13:32

it's horrible when you get all excited about something and then it all falls to pieces.

That's the crux isn't it, I think. When something is such a rare treat you really do look forward to it so much. They can be such a mundane thing to other people so they genuinely don't see the issue but the disappointment is so horrible.

I'm embarrassed to say that a simple 'can't make it today, something's come up, catch up soon' text, that previously I wouldn't have batted an eyelid at, can reduce me to tears these days if it comes just at the wrong moment.

Maryz · 21/06/2014 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandallFloyd · 21/06/2014 14:32
BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 21/06/2014 14:49

Extremepie, I'm sorry you've had such a shitty year Flowers

Regarding the TA - the carers at DC's nursery make excellent and very keenbabysitters as frankly they make more per hour for babysitting so are motivated to do the extra time! - the approach suggested above for chatting to her is a good one.

EddieStobbart · 21/06/2014 14:50

OP, I often used a professional babysitter. The agency I used has CRB checked sitters on their books - IME they've tended to be primary or nursery teachers looking for some extra cash. Agency just takes all the details then matches with available sitter. They've helped me out at short notice as few times.

You sound like really need a night out with friends. Your sister's boyfriend should have let you know but try not to take it personally.

PolterGoose · 21/06/2014 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 15:01

Thank you for your suggestions :)

Sorry to be so full of self pity, just very down in the dumps today and having to face some hard truths :(

Usually I'm quite a positive person and try very hard to think it will be ok and it will get better but just having difficulty doing that today?

OP posts:
maras2 · 21/06/2014 15:13

Ain't that the truth Maryz.Hope things work out somehow Extreme. Mx.

Maryz · 21/06/2014 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsfab · 21/06/2014 15:53

There is nothing wrong with wanting something for yourself when a lot of your time and energy is taken up with children and their related needs.

PrincessBabyCat · 21/06/2014 15:59

I think the hardest thing to adjust to as a parent is having to have nights out either where there are kid friendly places or when it's convenient for other people's schedules to watch the kids. It really sucks, but that's the reality of it unfortunately.

Do your parents work, and would it be possible to drop the kids off to spend the night where you pick them up the following afternoon instead of having your parents go up there? We do that with DD and drop her off for the weekend with my parents once a month so we get a weekend to shag uninterrupted go out and relax. It doesn't inconvenience my parents because it's us driving her down, not them going out of their way to come up. Could something like that work?

You really do sound like you need a night out. I don't know what everyone is going on about not acting like a teen. Bar hopping and dancing may not be my idea of a fun night out, but it is yours so you should do it. You might just have to do it a different weekend.

Somersetlady · 21/06/2014 16:34

randallfloyd surely any reasonable adult in the OPs situation would be grateful of the night out without it needing to be on a specific date in the calender. If her birthday was on a Tuesday night would she want to go out clubbing on HER bithday then has visions if a 12 year old stamping her feet Saying but i want my party NOW mummy a la veruca salt

BIWI · 21/06/2014 16:37

Why shouldn't someone want to go out on their actual birthday? Especially if said birthday falls on a Saturday? Hmm

Somersetlady · 21/06/2014 16:56

BIWI i am obviousky not making my point vey well at all!

By all means want to go out on your birthday but in the case of the OP Her childcare situation means this is not possible as her birthday clashes with plans of the only other person willing to babysit. IMO it is therefore logical that she simply move her celebrations to an alternative date.

Somersetlady · 21/06/2014 16:57

Excuse the typos - currently feeding my newborn!

RandallFloyd · 21/06/2014 17:17

I refer you to MaryZ's last post
Sometimes when life is a bit shit it's the little things like ignored birthdays that are the icing on the cake of the shitness.

Sometimes it's ok to be upset by trivial stuff. And sometimes people don't actually want someone to wade in and solve their problems. They just want to offload for a bit.

Just attempt some empathy. It really isn't that hard.

BIWI · 21/06/2014 17:20

Well yes, but why castigate someone for being upset that they can't go out on their actual birthday? It's not unreasonable of the OP to be upset about it, which is what people on here are criticising her for.

500smiles · 21/06/2014 17:52

Wow some harsh replies, yes I know this is AIBU but some of these posts are really unsupportive.

The OP is a LP supporting children with additional needs, and was just hoping for a night off to celebrate her birthday.

OP can I suggest you post in SN giving your rough location and ask if anyone can recommend a babysitter with experience of children with additional needs?

I hope you manage to get something sorted, happy birthday Thanks Wine for whichever Saturday is your birthday.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 21/06/2014 18:01

Because one year in seven (not exact because of leap years) OP, who has had a thoroughly crAp year, gets her birthday on a Saturday, makes an arrangement to enjoy it and now that arrangement seems to have been summarily cancelled.

She's not being Veruca Salt to be disappointed, FFS.

(OP, I do think it's worth checking with your sister's bf re the babysitting - I sometimes accept FB things to make the message go away and only later check if I can do it and amend accordingly)

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 21/06/2014 18:02

And, when you feel up to it, read Reality's post about how splitting up with a level 10 arsehole doesn't mean you need to settle for a level 8 arsehole...

MaryWestmacott · 21/06/2014 18:08

OP - ignoring the rest, I would imagine the TA won't start work early because she's not being paid for it or has her own children to get to school/childcare before she starts work. That doesn't mean she wouldn't do evening baby sitting for you if she has a DP who can look after their DCs.

It also would be worth building your circle of friends, there might be someone who uses a nanny who would do some evening work for you, another mum who would be up for a childcare swap (she'll do the occasional evening if you'll have hers over to play so she and her DH can go for lunch etc).

Re your bf, agree with reality. Not the time now, but you wouldn't be the first woman to bounce (in what is clearly a very short length of time) from a relatinship with a wanker to another wanker who's jst a bit more polished.

MaryWestmacott · 21/06/2014 18:11

oh and OP, a lot of the solutions aren't short term ones, but how about aim for next birthday, being able to drive, having got a few people's details who'll babysit, making an effort to knw other mums...

and have thought carefully if your BF is just your boyfriend because he's the man in the area who's shown you interest...

MerryInthechelseahotel · 21/06/2014 18:12

extremepie your ex might be my ex Grin except you are way younger than me

It's a shame you feel no one cares but rest assured they do. It's just because you are disappointed at the moment that you are feeling so sad.

Try and go along with the idea of celebrating your birthday on another day and having the best time possible!

Happy Birthday for when it happens Thanks

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/06/2014 18:16

OP... I hear you. Hope you can get a babysitter sorted via an agency, that really does seem to be the most viable option. Could you afford it?

Balloonslayer's post suggesting asking your son's TA for a recommendation is really helpful.

Exhaust all avenues before declaring a defeat.

==============

Maybe some of the other posters though, just popping on to pull up others on their posting can offer the OP a spot of babysitting. More helpful than the 'hope it works out somehow...'. The calling of 'cunts' is unnecessary and its' getting tired.

Some things are workable and some things are not; for OP to go out to celebrate her birthday she needs a babysitter. There are none willing so far. Posters asking questions/picking up points are making valid contributions whether they're agreed with or not.