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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset about sister's boyfriend making other plans after agreeing to babysit for me?

147 replies

extremepie · 20/06/2014 22:12

My sister and I have some mutual friends (a couple) who live fairly close to me. They are also close friends of her boyfriend.

My birthday is coming up and I had planned to go on a night out with my sister and some other friends as I haven't been out with my sister at all in the last year - she is my only family in this part of the country and I don't have many friends so I have had no one else to babysit for me except her so when I do go out she is always the one to babysit!

I had asked if there was any chance her boyfriend could babysit for me on the night of my birthday so that, for once, we could go out together. She and him had had many discussions about this and as far as I was as aware he had agreed.

I have been invited to said mutual friend's birthday party which just so happens to be being held on my birthday and sisters boyfriend has agreed to go. So obviously he isn't planning on babysitting for me and wasn't planning to tell me he had a better offer!

I'm now really upset as if my sister agrees to go to this party I will have no babysitter at all and will be sitting at home on my own on my birthday. If she doesn't go, she is sitting at home on my birthday, missing out on both parties and I will have to go out without her!

Just really upset as my birthday last year totally sucked, ExH didn't even bother to make any effort for it, didn't get me a present, didn't even let me have a lie in and take the kids to school which was literally the only thing I had asked for. All the friends I had arranged to go out with on the day bailed out on me and the only person who did turn up went home early :(

After a really shitty year I was really hoping to have a good celebration for my birthday this year and now it's all gone tits up.

Aibu to be upset? I know sister's bf is perfectly within his rights to attend his friend's birthday but he had already agreed to babysit for me! He knows how difficult things are for me regarding childcare so he knows I will have no other option if he says no except my sister - either that or stay at home and do nothing for my birthday :(

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 21/06/2014 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch · 21/06/2014 10:41

God there are some rude posters on this thread! The op has had a shit year, getting away from her exH by the sound if it if her last birthday he was still around, and you are all begrudging her one night out and feeling sorry for her children?!

Her children are not going to be left with someone who doesn't want to look after them, because they're refusing to look after them (both boyfriends in this situation).

OP - shitter option though it is - might it be an option to have a girls' evening in instead? At least it gets round the whole babysitting thing and you and your sis don't need to worry about taxis or being driven or anything. And tell both BFs to fuck off for the night!

CoffeeTea103 · 21/06/2014 10:41

Op I do feel sorry for you because you have had a rough time lately. I think that you should have spoken to him directly to arrange this, knowing one child has sn, them maybe he would have felt differently. As it stands you confirmed through your sister so he probably didn't think twice in canceling through her as well. I do hope you can find a babysitter, because I think you deserve a break. Maybe next time just rely on a babysitter then you know for certain.

eddielizzard · 21/06/2014 10:48

sounds to me like your sister's bf isn't particularly keen to babysit.

i think you have to bite the bullet and find someone to pay to babysit. are there any other sn children in your ds' class? maybe they have a babysitter who has experience.

you can't live like this. you need to get out and have fun yourself.

Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 10:52

It's fine, I've realised a while ago that no one gives a shit about me enough to put themselves out for me :(

I could arrange it for another night but tbh if sisters bf won't watch them for me on my birthday he's not likely to do it any other night, or he'll say he will like he did last time then back out at the last minute and leave me horribly disappointed again.

Will look into using a service, maybe if I pay someone enough they will care!

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 21/06/2014 10:53

I don't understand why you can't just go out into town on the Friday with your sister. Friday nights are busy nights in clubs and pubs.

I would rather do that-not that I ever go pubbing and clubbing in town or have late nights out anymore- than miss out or have someone I didn't know babysit, or put my sister in a difficult position.

You would still be out on your birthday- after midnight!

MissDuke · 21/06/2014 10:54

I think there's a bigger issue here. You have moved far away from friends and family to a rural area where you are clearly feeling very isolated. Are you sure this has been a good move for you? I don't think yabu in your op, he agreed to do it so of course you are disappointed. I do think yabu though for wanting everything on your terms - with regards wanting your sister and boyfriend there with you, whilst your sister's boyfriend stays at home. I think you should ask around the area, I am sure there is a reliable teenager who would do it. Will the kids say asleep if you settle them before you go?

Branleuse · 21/06/2014 11:00

go out a different day. Youre a grown up. Birthdays are generally disappointing.

You also need to sort out a proper babysitter and not get hung up on your sisters boyfriend. I think its cheeky to even ask him tbh

Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 11:01

I would happily go out the Friday if I could get a babysitter, that is the crux of the issue really, is doesn't matter what day I go out if no one can watch them :(

They tend to stay awake late (Ds has sleep issues) so I could settle them but they probably won't be asleep until 10/11 ish.

I also wanted my bf there because I have invited some of his work friends too since I have no friends of my own and I doubt they will come if he isn't there!

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 11:05

Ok, I'll make it clear - sister's bf is a FRIEND of mine too, not JUST her boyfriend, I knew him waaaay before she did, in fact I introduced them! I lived with him in his house for 4 months, he is best friends with my ex so he isn't just some guy I barely know who happens to be dating my sister! I have known him for years!

Is it cheeky to ask a FRIEND who you have known for years, who knows your kids and your situation well to babysit? Is it? I don't think it is!

OP posts:
jaynebxl · 21/06/2014 11:07

You mentioned that your family are 300 miles away. Do they ever come to visit? I wonder if someone would come and stay for a weekend and babysit sat night? Obviously I don't know what family members you have 300 m away but maybe your mum or someone? And does your ex ever see the dc? Could he not come see them that weekend?

littlemisssarcastic · 21/06/2014 11:07

So if your boyfriend could babysit and was willing, that wouldn't work because you want him to come too?

jaynebxl · 21/06/2014 11:08

Presumably your ex could stay with his best mate / your sis bf?

Thumbwitch · 21/06/2014 11:11

I don't get the impression from what the OP has said about her ex that he would bother his arse in any way to help her go out on her birthday. Hmm

MissDuke · 21/06/2014 11:11

No it isn't cheeky, and actually an excellent solution as he knows the children - if he wants to do it. The trouble is, if he really doesn't want to, then you are in a right pickle. I can see why you are so disappointed, it really sucks!! Is your bf quite new 'on the scene'? Will he babysit when he gets to know the kids better do you think?

5madthings · 21/06/2014 11:13

Yanbu it's crap of him to let you down.

You have had a crappy year and just want a night out, which isn't too much to ask.

Our babysitter is a friend from uni who dp and I lived with in our second year. Essentially he is just a family friend like your sisters boyfriend and I don't see what is so wrong about asking a family friend to babysit.

If he is your ex's best friend could it be that by babysitting He feels like he is 'taking side's'? or maybe he just isnt very nice/nor much of a good friend.

LuluJakey1 · 21/06/2014 11:14

Go out on a night your sister's boyfriend can babysit. It'll just be a different night to the one you wanted.

Hobnobissupersweet · 21/06/2014 11:17

But we don't know that he actually ever agreed to do it, op never spoke to him but relied on sister to be a go between even though he is a friend Hmm
You will either have to pay someone or stay in, i do think you need to ease up on the no-one gives a shit about poor me thing though, your sister seems to, and we don't have any evidence that your parents don't care, just you happen to have moved 300 miles away from them.

Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 11:21

He's a nice guy but he's generally quite selfish & won't do anything for anyone unless it benefits him (not just saying that because he won't babysit by the way, my sister complains about it all the time!)

Neither ex or my parents will travel all that way just to babysit for me, ex hasn't seen the kids since Christmas - he could stay with his mate & my sister, they have even said its fine but he won't because he can't be arsed, has no money, is 'too hung up on me to be near me' or some other bullshit, pick your excuse really!

My bf won't babysit, he won't even watch ds2 (one with autism) while I pick his brother up from school (15 mins or so) because he feels 'uncomfortable' being alone with him and he 'can't handle him'.

OP posts:
jaynebxl · 21/06/2014 11:31

I would present it to your parents as chance to come spend a weekend with their dd and dgc with a bit of babysitting thrown in and make a fuss of them. And I'd dump the bf.

LuluJakey1 · 21/06/2014 11:39

But you made this decision to move to this rural place, away from family and friends with your children and your son's ASD- you knew you would not have support and that financially it would be difficult.

I think you either change the night to one your sister's boyfriend can babysit or just forget it.

You would be better off working on building some friendships locally so you start to feel happier and have a better network of local contact and support. Sounds like the next few months will be tough doing that.

NewNameForSpring · 21/06/2014 11:39

I thought the idea of asking at a local college if any childcare students would be interested, was a great one. Would seem more personal and also cheaper than an agency.

If you had a regular, affordable babysitter, it could open up many new doors for you, even if you only went out once a fortnight or month, you could join some activity where you can get to meet new people.

Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 11:41

Well, when your ex goes from being a sahd to moving to the other end of the country to live with his new gf and her kids, knowing that it will force me to give up my job to care for the kids, leaving me financially and emotionally crippled, and knowing that I have virtually no support to help me care for one child with ASD and another with an ongoing medical issue, with SS involvement which was HIS fault, it certainly seems like he doesn't care.

When all your friends you had made turn their backs on you because you dared to break up with your borderline abusive husband, and even go as far as phoning SS and the police to make things up about me and confront me in the street outside the school about my parenting it definitely seems like they don't care.

When you try and make friends with a dad from the school and it turns out all his nice friendly chat was just an act so he could come round and rape me and then come back to make sure I was going to keep my mouth shut so I didn't make him lose his gf and kids it's bloody obvious he didn't care about me.

When your bf makes jokes about the fact that not many men would take on a woman with a child with disabilities I realise that he doesn't really care that much about me but then who would? Better just put up with someone who doesn't love me enough to take on my kids properly that to be alone for the rest of my life, right?

The only people who genuinely do care are my parents and sister and they are limited as to how much they can do although they do try their best!

Sorry for the epic post but I'm just having a bad day :(

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 21/06/2014 11:48

When I moved here it was in the hope that we could have a better life, afford a bigger house with better opportunities for the kids, get them into a school and those things I do have down here.

What I wasn't expecting was to lose my husband, my job and all my friends and to feel completely alone except for my sister :(

Now the kids are settled at school and we have a nice home so I don't want to uproot them and move back :(

OP posts:
ProtegeMoi · 21/06/2014 11:52

I feel sorry for you but your anger is directed at the wrong person. I met my partner with 2 children, one severely autistic with multiple additional disabilities and she took them on completely as her own and is now a SAHM while I go to university. You need to ditch the boyfriend. If he won't accept your children he dosnt accept you.