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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends visited locally and didn't tell us

288 replies

WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 00:07

We live in the lake district. Lovely village, we have plenty of space for people to stay and alway make people welcome and let them know that if they want to stay they just need to let us know. We are very easy going, probably to laid back/ walkovers.

Some really good friends (or so we thought) who live about 4 hrs away have just posted pictures on facebook that show they have been within 2 - 3 miles of us all of last weekend. They have even been in our favourite local pub that we take them to every time they come. DP considers the man in the couple to be his best friend and was going to ask him to be best man at our wedding the next time we visited them. TBF we don't know his GF as well as we know him (we both know him from university) but have stayed at theirs about 6 - 7 times and him at ours more times over the years. GF has never stayed but there has always been a 'genuine' reason why.

They didn't breath a word that they we coming into the area. They clearly don't actually like us do they? DP is gutted, I feel so sorry for him and a bit guilty as my suspicion is that it is me the GF has the problem with.

In fairness to them they have tried to hide that they have been here and haven't said where the pictures were taken but the locations are so familiar to us (being locals) that it is obvious.

I'm just annoyed that they clearly felt they had to hide it, if they had said we are coming to the lakes but probably won't have time to catch up then that would have been fine .... we were pretty busy anyway!

AIBU to tell DP to pick his second choice best man and cut the fuckers loose or should we man up and talk about it with them like grownups?

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 18/06/2014 08:07

I am going to go against the grain here and say I think it is a bit off.

Well of course they don't have to come and see you if they want a bit of couple-time. But to visit your exact area and go to your local pub? I think it's odd and rude - if you want a weekend on your own you don't go to the exact place where friends live, whom you might bump into, not even mention it even in a white-lie text when you got home "guess what, found ourselves in your neck of the woods today, phone was out of battery so couldn't text and didn't like to turn up on your doorstep" sort of thing and then put it on bloody Facebook.

Maybe you could post on their page "Ha ha ha! I have just won £20 from DH. I was SURE it was you we saw in the pub, but he said it couldn't have been!"

AgentDiNozzo · 18/06/2014 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blithereens · 18/06/2014 08:12

Tbh OP I have a number of friends dotted in nice weekend-away territories around the country and this kind of thing makes me feel I can't go there with DH! For example Brighton, a particular area in Cornwall, etc. It's annoying because I would just want to be there alone with DH but fear this kind of reaction, which limits our options. How dare our friends pick pretty places to live. It's an outrage.

In seriousness, I can see why you are surprised but not why you are so devastated. I also can't see why you can't just comment 'that looks familiar ;)' or something on FB if it's bothering you that much. And your DH can't actually value this bloke that much if this tiny thing is a reason to demote him from best man.

pictish · 18/06/2014 08:17

"If they were there for just the weekend, even popping in for a 'quick' cuppa can take a couple of hours, which is quite a while out of 2 days."

Agree. It's never a quick cuppa is it...really. It's always hours out of your day.

GrendelsMinim · 18/06/2014 08:26

I think they had gone away for a romantic weekend in a beautiful part of the country, and felt that it wouldn't be a romantic weekend if some if it was the DH spending time with his best mate.

I mean, wouldn't people be quite pissed off if you arranged a romantic weekend in the country and then your DH said 'and we'll just drop in with X and Y, maybe go down the pub with them, have a chat about the football...' Especially if the DH and his best mate spoke to each other by ohone regularly anyway.

motleymop · 18/06/2014 08:37

I don't understand why, if they wanted a 'romantic weekend' away together, they chose somewhere they've been many times before. They sound utterly devoid of imagination!
And, btw, YANBU IMO! I'd find it odd if I lived in a remote part of the country. And come back to thinking if they really wanted to spend it romantically why they didn't want to explore perhaps even another part of the Lakes!!!

dreamingbohemian · 18/06/2014 08:42

Yeah I agree with Balloon (perfect FB comment btw!)

Like you, I'd have no problem with people saying they were around but couldn't visit, but would be surprised if a very close friend didn't even mention it.

It's the Lake District, if they wanted to go up there and not tell you, why go to your local?? Plenty of places to go. It does seem odd to me. Not in a needy way, just... I don't know, why be awkward?

I don't think you guys should make any assumptions, perhaps it will come up in conversation next time they speak? No doubt they just wanted a romantic weekend away and misjudged the not telling you bit (i.e., thought it would bother you.)

Quokka1 · 18/06/2014 08:43

I think some posters are being unnecessarily harsh in their comments to the OP, especially the ones commenting on her personality.

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's not like you live in a large city where it's easy to be anonymous. They've driven 4 hours to stay in your area and have gone to your local but haven't said anything, even though your DH and his friend speak every week? I would be hurt if my best friend did this. Not because I think I own my area/local but I'd be wondering why she didn't want to see me. Even if they are wanting a romantic weekend away, they can't spare a few hours to call in? They must have known there was a chance they'd bump into you in your local and I can see why you'd have found that awkward. What would you have done? Gone over and joined them even though they'd not invited you or just nod a hello at good friends from 4 hours away and sit at the other side of the pub, just in case you might be intruding on their 'couple time'? If they wanted completely uninterrupted couple time, surely they'd go somewhere where there was no chance of bumping into anyone they knew?

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset, although I would try to not let this ruin your friendship. I wouldn't mention it this time but if they were regularly driving all that way & not saying anything, I'd possibly be tempted to say something.

I fancy a weekend in the lakes, any time you want visitors, let me know! Smile

whois · 18/06/2014 08:47

I am going to go against the grain here and say I think it is a bit off

+1 I'd be a bit upset if someone I considered a close friend drove 4 hours to my small village and went to my local without even mentioning it! It is quite strange behaviour and I would probably think the secrecy was the off thing.

A quick text wouldn't have killed them 'hey mate, bringing my GF to the lakes this weekend and staying in X. Really sorry but not going to have a chance to meet up. Lets get in touch about arranging a proper visit'

GrendelsMinim · 18/06/2014 08:48

Well, it seems to me that either thy wanted a romantic weekend without the DH going to hang out with his best mate, or they had a particularly baroque plan to mess with the OP's head by going to her village, taking a set of photos that were just, but only just, recognisable as being that village, and then posting them on Facebook so the OP but only the OP would realise that they had been snubbed. Which seems a bit odd. Hence I'm going for the idea that they wanted a romantic weekend in the Lakes and didn't have a vast amount of imagination about where to pick.

ApocalypseThen · 18/06/2014 08:49

Even if they are wanting a romantic weekend away, they can't spare a few hours to call in?

This is probably exactly what they were trying to avoid.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/06/2014 08:52

I think it's really weird and usually I'm the type to think 'don't assign malice to something that could be an act of stupidity'

I'm assigning malice to this one. It's too weird for your dh to talk to his mate every night during the week and for his mate then to suddenly drive 4 hours (a fuck of a long way) on the Friday to the area with his gf.

It would give me pause. I would think the girlfriend is still embarassed and has turned that into 'not liking' you so she doesn't have to see you again. I'd also think she's not that keen on you generally.

So the bloke agrees to cover for it even though uncomfortable.

The only people who can have an honest conversation about it are the two blokes as the women don't know each other well enough. If I was your dh I would call him and ask straight out.

There's one other thing - and I only bring it up because I'm like it or it would sound rude. I'm also reclusive, few friends, outwardly sociable but a real introvert who likes my own and dh's company - this leads me to being a little intense/socially awkward (something nuanced but not massively at ease) - so if that's you too then the girlfriend may have picked up on it a bit and not want to spend relaxing weekends with you.

numptieseverywhere · 18/06/2014 08:59

the Lake District is a massive area with so many different places to visit. Maybe I'm super paranoid cos I'd be wondering if the girlfriend had chosen my local specifically to piss me off!

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 18/06/2014 09:01

How do you know the pictures were taken last weekend? Is there a time stamp on them?

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 18/06/2014 09:12

"the Lake District is a massive area with so many different places to visit. "

No wonder they were tempted to go somewhere they know has a good pub!

I've been to a random pub with family and thought how nice it would be to go back with just DH - fire, big armchairs etc, and the pub had rooms - bit of a romantic daydream.

ILoveWooly · 18/06/2014 09:14

I think it is a bit off too. There are a thousand other places they could have eaten/drank but choose your local. As the others have said, a quick text would have been polite.

I like Balloons comment too.

scotchtikidoll · 18/06/2014 09:16

I would probably feel the same OP if I'm being honest. Whether that is paranoia, I'm not sure.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 18/06/2014 09:21

Woo

LemonSquares · 18/06/2014 09:21

I did wonder if they'd picked up that you were busy and decided not to impose or mention it so you don’t feel obligated to fit them in but still visit the area.

However driving 4 hours and attending your local and not do a quick text does seem off why wouldn't you drive to another pub - though maybe the weekend turned from a lets visit to a romantic weekend - still even in the back of beyond other pubs must exist.

I’d be a bit what’s going on Confused– I wouldn’t post of FB but maybe DH if really upset could casually mention seeing the pics in a phone call and see if his mate then gives a perfectly reasonable explanation as part of a normal conversation.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 18/06/2014 09:22

Wooly, do you think they would've looked guilty if OP came in whilst in local, or would've said "oh,hi!"

We dunno.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 18/06/2014 09:23

If there were two pubs in a 3 mile radius and you knew one but not the other, it would be weirder to go to the unknown one, surely?

ILoveWooly · 18/06/2014 09:24

Sadly I think they would have looked guilty but who knows. I just can't imagine doing that to friends.

ILoveWooly · 18/06/2014 09:25

But surely if you had drove for 4 hours going a bit further wouldn't have made a difference.

Bearbehind · 18/06/2014 09:26

We are very easy going, probably to laid back/ walkovers

The fact that your immediate reaction to this situation is to 'cut the fuckers loose' suggests that you are anything but 'laid back / walk overs'

You really need to get a grip OP.

They didn't want to see you, probably just because they wanted time together.

How exactly do you think they could tell you that before they came? It's not as if they could say they'll be rushed of their feet exploring the metropolis is it? They're hardly likely to have said 'we'll be in the area but too busy doing nothing to see you' are they?

You are making a huge mountain out of a molehill.

tobiasfunke · 18/06/2014 09:37

I don't think you're weird at all. If friends of mine did this I would think it was really bad form. Of all the parts of the whole country to go and do romantic, to choose your remote location and then not even saying and putting it on FB is just odd- in a passive aggressive kind of way.
If I wanted a romantic weekend and the bargain destination of the week was right beside my friends I would just choose somewhere else.