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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends visited locally and didn't tell us

288 replies

WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 00:07

We live in the lake district. Lovely village, we have plenty of space for people to stay and alway make people welcome and let them know that if they want to stay they just need to let us know. We are very easy going, probably to laid back/ walkovers.

Some really good friends (or so we thought) who live about 4 hrs away have just posted pictures on facebook that show they have been within 2 - 3 miles of us all of last weekend. They have even been in our favourite local pub that we take them to every time they come. DP considers the man in the couple to be his best friend and was going to ask him to be best man at our wedding the next time we visited them. TBF we don't know his GF as well as we know him (we both know him from university) but have stayed at theirs about 6 - 7 times and him at ours more times over the years. GF has never stayed but there has always been a 'genuine' reason why.

They didn't breath a word that they we coming into the area. They clearly don't actually like us do they? DP is gutted, I feel so sorry for him and a bit guilty as my suspicion is that it is me the GF has the problem with.

In fairness to them they have tried to hide that they have been here and haven't said where the pictures were taken but the locations are so familiar to us (being locals) that it is obvious.

I'm just annoyed that they clearly felt they had to hide it, if they had said we are coming to the lakes but probably won't have time to catch up then that would have been fine .... we were pretty busy anyway!

AIBU to tell DP to pick his second choice best man and cut the fuckers loose or should we man up and talk about it with them like grownups?

OP posts:
BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 18/06/2014 06:33

But Ruth, sounds like the DP and his mate see each other a lot and speak a lot too.

JamNan · 18/06/2014 06:34

Haven't read the whole thread.

YABU
Perhaps the GF doesn't like you. I can see why.

aurynne · 18/06/2014 06:36

I am utterly and completely baffled by this non-problem.

"I'm just annoyed that they clearly felt they had to hide it, if they had said we are coming to the lakes but probably won't have time to catch up then that would have been fine"

Erm... what exactly is the point of contacting a friend to tell them you're going to be in the area if you have no plans to visit them??

There are many areas where people I know, and friends, live. I do not always go to those areas to visit those friends, sometimes I want to do something on my own, with my DH, with another friend... etc etc.

Do you always make up those extremely complicated, elaborate stories to try to explain why other people do completely normal things? It must be exhausting!

Delphiniumsblue · 18/06/2014 06:53

It is needy friends who are hard work! Just relax and don't worry about it. Just post a friendly comment on the photos.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 18/06/2014 06:57

I quite often go for a day trip to a town which is ten miles from a friend. I don't arrange to see her as it's a palaver coordinating two families but would be totally happy to see her if we met in the street. When we arrange a meeting, we tend to go somewhere "kid friendly" in the middle.

I don't call her to say I'm coming but not planking to see her - I think the reaction from her would be "err, ok, why did you call then?"

I really like her, FWIW!

Branleuse · 18/06/2014 06:57

please dont take it personally. They may love you to bits but still want to have a romantic weekend without you in your beautiful locality

londonrach · 18/06/2014 07:01

Come on op I think you worrying about nothing. They haven't hidden they been in area with photos on fb. Why can't they visit the area without being tried to seeing someone. They probably wanted couple time!

ApocalypseThen · 18/06/2014 07:02

I'd imagine they were doing a romantic weekend and the idea that they should call and inform you they were in the area never occurred. At least the fact that they're not hiding it implies as much. That's the best thing for you, by the way. You don't want to comment at all or they'll be calling you The Needingtons and the friendship will be over.

Partridge · 18/06/2014 07:02

Poor op. You are getting a really unnecessarily rough time. Mn is so weirdly full of people who think that a little neediness is an abhorrent crime and the worst possible, most uncool emotion you could ever betray.

You do sound a little needy, but i get you. I would feel hurt that my bf didn't mention that they were coming to my area - although I wouldn't expect them to visit.

I reckon you have given him a real love of your area - maybe the bf wanted to show his gf around somewhere that was special to him - but they were having a romantic weekend away and wanted to keep it one to one.

Delphiniumsblue · 18/06/2014 07:03

The time to worry would be if they were deliberately hiding it to the extent of being unable to post pictures on FB.

lowcarbforthewin · 18/06/2014 07:06

I would be upset op. They didn't go to the Lakes in general, they were really local to you and as you say, it would have felt entirely different if they just sent a text saying, ' we're in the area but having some couple time, catch up another time.'

If they didn't live 4 hours away it would be a bit different. I have friends who live 4 hours away and if they came that close and didn't say anything I would have a moment of going 'ouch'. Not if I lived in a city, but yes, if lived very rurally. Having visitors is a really different thing if you are rural.

midnightagents · 18/06/2014 07:09

Maybe they forgot to mention it because it was top of their priorities before going on holiday? I wouldn't be best pleased if I had to run it by my friends whenever I went to their local Confused you sound like quite hard work tbh.

midnightagents · 18/06/2014 07:09

*wasnt!

Meh84 · 18/06/2014 07:15

Wow, lots of pretty shitty posts directed towards the OP. MN at its best again.

OP I can understand why you'd feel upset. Just a quick catch up and a cuppa would've been nice, especially if they're really good friends. If get upset if my best friends came to my village but didn't call or pop in.

Have a lighthearted chat with them, don't go in heavy because that will annoy everyone.

insancerre · 18/06/2014 07:19

Sometimes we just don't want to do what is 'expected' of us
Maybe it was a spur of the moment thing?
I

higgle · 18/06/2014 07:26

We had this dilema recently. I have a friend who lives in a large and beautiful city, she loves having friends to stay but it is a small flat with only one bathroom and obviously if you stay with her there is a lot of social activity. I've visited my friend several times but we never go to the main tourist attractions because she has seem them many times and they are expensive to get into.

DH wanted to visit th;is city for a romantic city break, nice hotel etc. and our first thought was to go and not tell my friend, she would never have understood why we didn't stay with her. In the end I thought she ight just see us out and about so I told her we were going this way on DH's whim and that he wanted to stay in a aparticular hotel he had read about. We met friend and DH for an evening out but I don't think she really understood wy we didn't stay with her.

HecatePropylaea · 18/06/2014 07:28

Please try to not assume it is a rejection of you both. There are lots of reasons why they might have not wanted to catch up, or not been able to.
the fact they are trying to hide it means they care about your feelings. If they didnt, theyd probably have named the places in a big 'fuck you' Grin

Sometimes I visit my sister and not my mum, or vv.

THEY LIVE ACROSS THE ROAD FROM EACH OTHER!!! Grin

Sometimes I want to spend time with my sister. Sometimes I want to visit my parents, sometimes my aunt... If I was to do the rounds every time, id be there a week! Grin

I really wouldnt assume they dont like you. Id assume they do, and they wanted to go to a place they love, for whatever reason didnt want to visit people, and hid it because they fel guilty. Maybe they thought if they mentioned it, you or they would feel obliged to meet and that wasnt the point of the trip.
I know it can be difficult. Many of us have that little voice in our heads that whispers the worst possible interpretation of others actions at us. Try not to listen.

wigglesrock · 18/06/2014 07:30

I really do think you're over reacting. I've been to some weekends away in holiday places with my husband near where friends live. It never occurs to me to let them know I'll be about. I'm away with my husband, we are not going through a bad patch, trying to conceive, I don't dislike any component of the couple who are my friends. I just want to not see anybody else, I spend precious little enough time with my husband. I'm not going to take into consideration where my friends live when trying to arrange a break or how touchy they might be.

Darkandstormynight · 18/06/2014 07:45

Yabu. I have done the same thing to family that I didn't want to spend all day with while we were on holiday. Though I wouldn't post it on FB if I thought anyone would see it that I might offend.

You are taking it too personally.

pictish · 18/06/2014 07:51

I think they like your area and wanted to spend time in it alone, without company. And that's ok.
I don't imagine for one minute it is the slight against you that you and your dh think it is. I think you're being possessive and a little bit controlling to get upset about this. You live in the the Lake District so it is highly likely that they simply fancied a weekend to themselves without factoring you into it. Freedom to do what they want, when they want, unburdened by other people and arrangements.
There is nothing wrong with that. It's just that on this particular occasion, it wasn't about seeing friends.

Let it go now.

thebodylovesspring · 18/06/2014 07:57

I expect that they weren't avoiding you so that's why they went to the local/put pics on FB. Pehaps they thought that if they bumped into you it would be a nice suprise but weren't actively going to visit you.

You sound welcoming and friendly so why wouldn't the GF like you. Maybe she's shy? Maybe she doesn't like staying in other people's houses, I absolutely hate to and always prefer a hotel. Maybe they just wanted couples time, surely you have wanted just a quiet weekend with your partner and no friends etc.

You and your dh are massively overthinking this.

For him to 'cut loose' a best friend over this is insane.

pictish · 18/06/2014 08:01

I agree...for your dh (and you) to be seriously reevaluating his dearly held friendship over this is totally insane.
You need to talk some sense into him.

Footle · 18/06/2014 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doinmummy · 18/06/2014 08:05

If they were there for just the weekend, even popping in for a 'quick' cuppa can take a couple of hours, which is quite a while out of 2 days.

alarox · 18/06/2014 08:07

Sorry OP, another YABU here. This wouldn't bother me at all. In fact I would feel sort of proud they liked my local area enough to holiday there! Don't let it ruin your friendship Smile

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