Friends visited locally and didn't tell us

[WestmorlandSausage]

We live in the lake district. Lovely village, we have plenty of space for people to stay and alway make people welcome and let them know that if they want to stay they just need to let us know. We are very easy going, probably to laid back/ walkovers.

Some really good friends (or so we thought) who live about 4 hrs away have just posted pictures on facebook that show they have been within 2 - 3 miles of us all of last weekend. They have even been in our favourite local pub that we take them to every time they come. DP considers the man in the couple to be his best friend and was going to ask him to be best man at our wedding the next time we visited them. TBF we don't know his GF as well as we know him (we both know him from university) but have stayed at theirs about 6 - 7 times and him at ours more times over the years. GF has never stayed but there has always been a 'genuine' reason why.

They didn't breath a word that they we coming into the area. They clearly don't actually like us do they? DP is gutted, I feel so sorry for him and a bit guilty as my suspicion is that it is me the GF has the problem with.

In fairness to them they have tried to hide that they have been here and haven't said where the pictures were taken but the locations are so familiar to us (being locals) that it is obvious.

I'm just annoyed that they clearly felt they had to hide it, if they had said we are coming to the lakes but probably won't have time to catch up then that would have been fine .... we were pretty busy anyway!

AIBU to tell DP to pick his second choice best man and cut the fuckers loose or should we man up and talk about it with them like grownups?

Maybe they intended on staying further away but that was where there was availability.

If they invite you to stay at theirs then where is the evidence that they were motivated by dislike for you?

I would put this out of your head Op. When I visit my home town I don't always tell my Mum or Sister (who still live there) that I'm going- Why? Because I don't want to nor do I have to.

I wouldn't make any comments on their photos on FB either as it could come across as a bit PA.

Ha, ShakesBooty. He's a Christian Brother who lives a stones throw from the Vatican. It would just feel so wrong

'If they were wanting a nice private weekend away in the lakes why come and do it on our doorstep?' Presumably because they like the area that you live in. So they wanted to spend time there, just the two of them. It's really not all about you. They just wanted to visit your area.

I can see both sides here. One friend of mine is a bit intense & I often feel she'll get upset by me doing my own thing in her area so I end up feeling weird/defensive if I'm there without telling her. Another friend doesn't tell me when she's in my area or make time to see me except on her turf & tbh it's hurtful. YANBU.

Are you sure it's not an old photo from the last time they visited?

Either put up by mistake, or because they've made up some kind of excuse that they were going away, for something unrelated?

I wouldn't think they didn't like me, I'd just think that they wanted time together.

When we visited the UK for the first recently, we went to lots of old haunts & didn't tell friends, as we wanted to do it as a family & didn't want to offend anyone by saying to taggers on.

We had so little time that we often went places at a moments notice & didn't have time to inform others.

Nothing intelligent to add at this ungodly hour but I can see where you are coming from OP.

I totally understand why this would irk you. As as been said, it's not like going to a big city, or even somewhere further afield in the Lakes. They were on your doorstep. It is odd. Not sure why people can't see that.

However, there's probably a good reason they didn't mention they were coming, that doesn't boil down to them secretly hating you! If you want to have a go at finding out, I would mention it in a good natured way, letting them know you've sussed them. Make it jokey and light hearted, don't say you're offended.

I would put it down to odd behaviour, rather than that you've got the relationship wrong, given the other things you've said about them.

OP I do completely understand where you're coming from. You're upset that for the first time in however many times they've been in the area, they didn't tell you that they were. They appeared to be hiding their location from you both so you wouldn't know and wouldn't ask.

Many of the posters who think you're over-reacting and say they do it all the time, are actually making your point for you. What they're saying is that they deliberately don't tell their friends they're around because they don't want to see them.

You're jumping to the conclusion that it's because they don't like you, but it could be that they DO but needed time together (maybe they're going through something and needed alone time together). Maybe they thought that if they told you, you'd ask for detail which they didn't want to give? Maybe they thought they'd feel pressured to visit. Maybe it was a last minute thing.. or maybe it was a different location and it just looks familiar because you didn't know there was something the same. Could also be old photos.

End of the day, I wouldn't take it personally.

I can understand you are hurt but its not about you and probably was never about you. They just wanted to be by themselves.

Get over yourself and be happy that they were able to get time to themselves.

If they were wanting a nice private weekend away in the lakes why come and do it on our doorstep?

I am assuming that you don't actually OWN the Lakes? If you do, I apologise because they/anyone is free to move around there as they like.

That they like the area is fab, probably thanks to you showing them the best places when they visit.

Did you think op, that perhaps they came on a house hunting recky & don't want you to know because they want it to be a surprise?

Either way, you sound very possessive of 'your local' and the surrounding area.

They have done nothing wrong.

I can completely see your point of view here and I think I'd be upset if I were in your shoes. I've got friends all over the country and I always tell them if I'm going to be in the vicinity and suggest popping in on the way home which I usually do. They do the same when they come this way well at least I think they do! How awkward would it have been if you bumped into them in the pub?!

However, I think you just need to put it to the back if your minds. I can see why you'd question the best man thing though. I'd be pretty hurt if our best man did this.

I get where you're coming from OP. With friends that close it would have upset me.

I live overseas and went back to UK earlier in the year. I didn't tell ANY of my friends that I was there this time. There is always an expectation that I will meet up with people/drive to their house etc and I didn't want to be spending all my holiday time shuttling between peoples houses and trying to fit everyone in.
I just wanted to spend time with my Mum and Dad.

I hid it on Facebook though so that nobody was offended. I love my friends dearly but this time I wanted to just be with my family.

Do they come from a large city? I ask because, now that dh and I live in London, when we visit anywhere country-ish we are usually visiting in order to escape the bustle for some peace and quiet, and fewer people and pretty surroundings is the main draw.
Whereas when I grew up in the country (sadly now commuter belt, but that's another story), I was always desperate for friends to pop in if they were around, as having visitors made it more interesting. I would not have seen the draw of remote landscape as greater than the draw of my amazing company.
I dunno, really. Just thinking.

Well, I don't think you're overreacting. If they travelled four hours and were so close to your home and he is your DPs closest friend then I would have expected at least a text saying were local, thinking of you but romantic break so won't be meeting up. Catch up next time.

" They are quite friendly sociable people and we are semi reclusive due to our fairly rural location. We look forward to spending time with them, perhaps they don't feel the same. Either way it is sad and a bit of a shock for us"

Well, if they see people all the time, maybe it was their turn to be a bit reclusive.

If they had bumped into you in the local, I expect
They would have been cool about it - they probably weren't avoiding you so much as spending time together.

Jeez, maybe they just wanted a weekend of shagging and fresh country air? Maybe they didn't want to end up sucked Into to some coupley vortex? Maybe they fell in love with the area while visiting you!

Can't believe you're all sitting around agonising over it.

I think you're overreacting too. Sometimes people just want time alone.

I live in London and dozens of my friends and family visit, but I wouldn't expect to see them because they are usually down for a specific thing, have packed schedules or are staying on the other side of the city.

awesomewellies your explanation sounds about right!

Id give a passing thought along the lines of "ooh they went to XxX pub last weekend, fancy coming all this way, hope they had a nice time"

Id maybe also comment on their FB something like "ahhh we love that pub, seeing this photo has given me a craving for their sunday dinners! Hope you both had a lovely weekend xx"

I understand OP. If friends of mine were visiting my (small, pretty, tourist) town and didn't make the time to at least pop in for a cuppa, I'd be hurt, because if you can't make even that minimal effort for a friend, you're not much of a friend yourself. If it was my best friend, I'd be really hurt, and wonder what I'd done to upset her.

I wouldn't have felt that way when I lived in London, because it's big enough that you could be there for weeks and not necessarily come anywhere near me, but that's not the case where I am now.

I'm a bit surprised by the number of people who think it's ok to virtually pass a friend's front door and not at least stop to say hello.

I think that you are overreacting. We sometimes go near friends and don't contact because we have very little time and things we want to do.
They didn't keep it secret if it was on FB.
I have had friends post pictures from a pub about 2 miles from me and just posted a comment 'we must get together if you are so close again'.

Maybe they are TTc, having problems etc etc.

I think your a bit needy and causing yourself stress.

Facebook is evil.