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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my 3 year old can't be a racist?

264 replies

DroppingIn · 18/06/2014 00:05

Nursery pulled me over when I picked up DS yesterday to tell me that DS did not want to share with another boy apparently and when he was asked why said he said it was because the other boy was 'black'.

We talked about it on the way home and about people looking different colours and how we are all the same. It is not something that has ever come up before although there are quite a few black DC/Asian in his nursery.

I was not going to tell him off for saying the other DC was black as he is. I also was not going to tell him off for not sharing in this particular instance as DS is normally very good at sharing but I have seen several instances where other DC have snatched stuff off him and it being dressed up as 'sharing' which gets on my tits tbh.

I am concerned now that the nursery is going to have him down as a mini racist and of course, the parents of the other boy being told about it and thinking there may be more to it than there is.

What to do?

OP posts:
Laura0806 · 18/06/2014 09:34

The little boy is only 3. i agree that its just like saying I don't like you , you are a boy, you ahve a pink top on! My little girl said something that could be construed as racist when she was only 2 and I was mortified. She has never been exposed to any racist comments or remarks that Im aware of and I explained to her how it was very rude to say you don't want to sit with that person because of x, y and z and that we all have different skin colours, some people are very white , some people have olive skin etc etc and its good that we are all different. At 4 shes still passes comment when she sees someone who is black because sadly we don't live in a very multicultural area but I think its just the difference that she wary of , not that shes racist!!

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 18/06/2014 10:11

Sunshine by that same point the boy who refused to play with the boy with the white hair,my ds, when they were in pre school has been influenced to dislike blonde people? Should there have been some intervention? Hmm .

softlysoftly · 18/06/2014 10:28

sunshine when DD decided she didn't like brown faces it was just a physical decision there were no unhealthy influences. The fact her entire fathers side is brown kind of covers that Confused

They are 3 you can't construe anything from their answers at all. They are tiny illogical creatures.

softlysoftly · 18/06/2014 10:29

still be fair blondes aren't to be trusted, sly buggers Wink

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 18/06/2014 10:35

Actual blondes or bottle blondes softly?

I don't trust those with the ombre look. Two shade fuckers. Grin

Original poster
DroppingIn · 18/06/2014 10:39

Well just had a chance to get back on here.

Thank you to those of you are thinking down the same line as me, that DS said the first thing that came into his head as a reason for not wanting to share, not actually because the boy is black and he did not want to share with him for that reason!

I have decided not to bring it up with the nursery again and just ignore it.

DS has not picked any racist leanings at home thank you Sunshine City17 and MwahMum. It's idiots like you that create problems that are not there.

No, I am not mortified that DS said it, more mortified at how it may have been miscontrued iykim.

OP posts:
StillFrigginRexManningDay · 18/06/2014 10:47

Dropping fwiw I think the nursery over reacted as have some posters here. If he said he didnt want to share because he has freckles or brown hair it would not have been an issue even though its the same sentiment to a three year old.
Dnephew refused to share with dd3 once cause she had scary eyeballs. Still trying to figure that one out.

fifi669 · 18/06/2014 10:52

I've been open with DS about skin colour etc, it is there, he can see it, there's no point ignoring it. I see it as just another descriptive thing such as height, hair colour etc and wanted it not to have some forbidden status.

DP is brown and the only dad he's ever known. DS will say that he's not sharing his chocolate with him, just mummy because he's brown and we're twins because we're white..... Sometimes though I don't get the chocolate as they're twins as they both have brown eyes and mine are green! I also miss out because I'm a girl... They both have a stripy top..... He's 3 and doesn't know what racism is. He just speaks as he sees it. Although when he asked very loudly something like 'why does the fat man have a big bum?' I wish he didn't!

Aeroflotgirl · 18/06/2014 11:21

No sunshine not necessarily. Children of that age can differentiate on all manner of things, with op ds it happened to be skin colour, it could easily have been weight, or gender, or colour hair, not because parents are racist at home. That's a big assumption which may not be true which op has said they are not!

MwahMum · 18/06/2014 11:31

Sunshine City17 and MwahMum. It's idiots like you that create problems that are not there

Didn't you create this post, you clearly had your doubts whether or whether not your child is racist, if my Prince made a comment like that towards another child I'd be embarrassed and ashamed and no way would I post it on Mumsnet you have no shame, and only you are to blame for the comment your child made.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 18/06/2014 11:34

Surely we should just be treating skin colour the same as we should be treating other physical differences, not as invisible but as non defining

So "Bill yes the one with blonde hair" should be as common place as "Bill yes the one with brown skin". A physical descriptor no more no less.

This is what I always want to say on theses sort of threads but cannot articulate.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/06/2014 11:37

Mwah your comment is well out of order. The child we are talking about is 3, not 13, and your criminalise him. Massive overaction, embarrassed yes, ashamed get away, he is 3 fgs! Op has dealt with it now hopefully it won't happen again!

Aeroflotgirl · 18/06/2014 11:39

How is she responsible when she and her family are not racist, and she's not there at nursery Hmm. Young children say all sorts of things, it should be dealt with appropriately and move on!

PiggyontheRailway · 18/06/2014 11:43

I understand that those of you saying I don't see colour I see the person are ttrying to say we are all human beings and there their is no difference between us. But in my mind it says that there is somethingwrong with not being white and that white people must somehow overlook that supposed fault to accpet others. Not seeing colour won't make racisim go away, because it does not address the idea that being different or not being white being white is somehow bad because when you don't see colour your don't see racisim either and everything stays the way it is.

fifi669 · 18/06/2014 11:44

if my Prince made a comment like that towards another child I'd be embarrassed and ashamed and no way would I post it on Mumsnet you have no shame, and only you are to blame for the comment your child made.

Wow. How harsh can you get? 3 year olds are social time bombs, you never know what they're going to say or do that us as adults find unacceptable.

gertiegusset · 18/06/2014 12:05

if my Prince

Gotta Grin at that one.

PiggyontheRailway · 18/06/2014 12:09

DroppingInn have you given any thought to how the little black boy felt hearing that? or how it affected him or what his parents had to say when/if he told them what happened at nursery today to make him understand that some people don't like people of a different skin colour. It will be one of his first milestones my first racist encounter.
I think you are only looking at how this has affected your son and not how your sons words could have affected others.

Original poster
DroppingIn · 18/06/2014 12:16

DroppingInn have you given any thought to how the little black boy felt hearing that? or how it affected him or what his parents had to say when/if he told them what happened at nursery today to make him understand that some people don't like people of a different skin colour. It will be one of his first milestones my first racist encounter.

Well that is kinda my point. I hope it was not construed as 'his first racist encounter' as that would be unbelievable and ludicrous out of the mouth of a 3 year old.

OP posts:
MwahMum · 18/06/2014 12:21

DroppingInn have you given any thought to how the little black boy felt hearing that? or how it affected him or what his parents had to say when/if he told them what happened at nursery today to make him understand that some people don't like people of a different skin colour

I doubt she does has thought about it. If my child was to hurt another child or say something mean to them (which he wouldn't) it would be my job to speak to the child in question parents and to make my son write a note of apology.

Original poster
DroppingIn · 18/06/2014 12:23

MwahMum DS can't write yet.

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 18/06/2014 12:23

We are talking about three year olds here! It's nice that we have a society that is completely intolerant to racism now - but you have to have some tolerance for the fact that small children have no filter. They also have no genuine hatreds. There are endless threads on here where we laugh at indiscreet things kids have said. This comes from the same place. The nursery was in the wrong for not simply telling him he should share. Why question him? When I've seen two kids refusing to share I have never asked why. They are three. There doesn't have to be a reason! It sounds like they were being the racism police, and they struck gold. Now they get to fill in a piece of paper saying that they identified and dealt appropriately with racist behaviour, well done them. It's a massive over-reaction.

Original poster
DroppingIn · 18/06/2014 12:27

FFs Gatorade is that why they do this? I won't be able to let this lie then. I do think I also to find out about this line of questioning.

OP posts:
Original poster
DroppingIn · 18/06/2014 12:28

I do think I also need to find out about this line of questioning.

OP posts:
PiggyontheRailway · 18/06/2014 12:33

Again not mention of how the little boy he spoke about would have been affected, but how inconvenient it is going to be for you to deal with. If your child had said that he didn't want to share with someone beacuse they were blind, deaf, austic or had alimb missing would you brush that off too?
We live in a society that is intolerant of racisim hmm and sexism is alos a thing of the past as well.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/06/2014 12:40

Oh my goodness, a 3 year old cannot be fully responsible for what he is saying, and therefore cannot be racist fgs! He was asked why presumably by a nursery worker, not the child. I doubt very much he told the child! It should have been dealt with there and then by the adults responsible! Op was not there so cannot deal with it! She can only tell her ds off if she directly hears it, and explain about different races. It's no point locking the stable door after the horse has bolted!