To think that my 3 year old can't be a racist?

[DroppingIn]

Nursery pulled me over when I picked up DS yesterday to tell me that DS did not want to share with another boy apparently and when he was asked why said he said it was because the other boy was 'black'.

We talked about it on the way home and about people looking different colours and how we are all the same. It is not something that has ever come up before although there are quite a few black DC/Asian in his nursery.

I was not going to tell him off for saying the other DC was black as he is. I also was not going to tell him off for not sharing in this particular instance as DS is normally very good at sharing but I have seen several instances where other DC have snatched stuff off him and it being dressed up as 'sharing' which gets on my tits tbh.

I am concerned now that the nursery is going to have him down as a mini racist and of course, the parents of the other boy being told about it and thinking there may be more to it than there is.

What to do?

Flying that is disgusting, she is 5 fgs, not 15!. That's the kind of thing I would expect a much older child to do. I hope you lodged a complaint with the school and authorities.

sunshinecity17 Exactly :)

3 year olds don't want to share. When they are asked why they pick a myriad of reasons usually based on the would-be share buddys appearance. Dnephew wouldn't share with dd3 because she had hair once fgs. Kids see difference as just that, difference. Not good or bad just different to what they are. Hair colour, skin colour, glasses, disability they notice these things but its how they are taught to react to difference is the main thing.

I think some posters like to get whipped into a frenzy.

Your child's behaviour could not be helped but yes you need address the issue. Sunshineinthecity a bit heavy handed, we are talking about a toddler not a school age child. Op should not brush it under the carpet

Shocked at all the racism apologists on here.
If I had a black child and another child refused to share with him'because he is black' I would certainly take this as a racist incident.

A racist incident?

With a 3 year old perpetrator?

The OP needs to be mortified?

And anyone not similarly mortified by her toddler's crime is an 'apologist'?

Can you actually hear yourself sunshine?

My three-year-od son used to refer to his ballet teacher as the "black teacher" and his gym teacher as the "white teacher". He was looking at their t-shirts, their skin colour was actually the opposite.

Provided you don't label and judge people by their colour at home, then there is no reason to believe your child would be racist.

By the way, if anyone on this thread does want to have a few books with non-white characters around, the Ezra Jack Keats books (especially Snowy Day) are wonderful and great for 3-year-olds. Round as a Mooncake is lovely too - would work from 3 but even better for a bit older. Am sure others have other ideas.

Sunshine I'm not sure op's ds has picked this up from anywhere necessarily. I read some interesting studies in the nurture shock book mentioned above regarding the fact that racism isn't taught generally but needs to be actively addressed in children who dont have a great deal of exposure to those with different heritage. But she should definitely have discussions with him to show how it isn't an acceptable thing to say or think and why not.

Poor toddler is labeled at 3 for something he has very little understanding about and could not help, he's a baby fgs! Yes op needs to address this, but in a calm relaxed way without making her little one distressed.

..but the point is that he didn't say glasses or T shirt colour , he said because he was black.
There are lots and lots of racists out there and a young child will only have to hear a couple of disparaging remarks to assimilate racism as a norm in his developing mind.Look at the brown eyed/blue eyed experiment.This is why nurseries and schools have to be so vigilant about these things

Fideliney I'd to be mortified if my child said such a thing but people like yourself don't see no wrong in that comment.

It isn't a racist incident. A child of that age has no concept of 'race' and what that implies.

but people like yourself don't see no wrong in that comment.

Of course you can't substantiate such a flagrant lie.

Well this took off overnight

OP - Please take a look at the Po Bronson book I recommended in the 5th post. It's probably in your library.

Think about what you would've said if your DS hadn't shared with someone because they were a girl. Would you have said 'we're all the same' or would you have said that being a girl is not a reason to not share. A white girl and a white boy of the same age from the same area are likely to have similar cultures and experiences but we have no trouble accepting that their gender is part of their identity or try to whitewash it away (pun not intended). He knows who the girls are and who the black kids are and like all children of his age (and many people of all ages) he will have 'in group favouritism' which is normal and not 'racist' in the way that it might be in a adult but it doesn't mean that he doesn't need to have a bit of a conversation about it, the same way as if he'd refused to share with a girl.

But she should definitely have discussions with him to show how it isn't an acceptable thing to say or think and why not

I'm sure she is.

It is only the suggestion that her 3 year old toddler is 'racist' that has concerned the OP I think.

We talked about it on the way home and about people looking different colours and how we are all the same.

thecageisfull I'm taking this^ to mean the OP has told her DS we are all equal as she also says she specifically refused to condemn him for noticing/mentioning skin colour per se.

I agree compost, he is a toddler, he does not understand tge implications of what he us saying. He could well have said I don't want to share with this child as he's fat/thin, spotty, got curly gaur, next time it might be that. No it should not be logged, nursery staff should be trained to deal with it in an aporopriate way. My dd when she was 3 used to be scared of her granny because she was very large, and used to be scared of other lage people. So it should be logged as a fattiest incident . At 7 she no longer is and loves her grandma very much. No longer is scared of large people.

I wonder if the Nursery staff would have been so insistent on a reason for not wanting to share, if the other child had not been of a different race. How many times did they ask him why he didn't want to share? Why not just say something like "Let so and so have a turn". or "It is fair to share"

Dd was terrified of beards. Beards are scary people. Especially Santa.

She thought freckles were amazing "dots".

She would stare at black people in amazement (how did they get that colour?). Mouth agape and everything.

3 year olds aren't racist. Explain that the comment was rude, the same way you would if it was a fat comment and move on. If it was an 8 year old, detail on racism would be age appropriate. Not a 3 year old.

Hi there OP, if you are still around - at age 3 children have very unformed ideas about the world and when they find a "rule" they are very rigid about sticking to it.
Therefore your child knows he is a boy and white and he'll know the colour of his hair and skin. He will also have noticed that other people have different hair colour, skin colour and gender etc. However at 3 the understanding isn't sophisticated so he will have very strict inner rules about not liking to share with someone different - so this would include girls, older kids, even kids with different hair and skin colours - not because he is inherently racist but because he knows that child is "different". It is the first step towards making sense of the world.

Studies have shown 3 years olds have incredibly rigid rules and they slowly let go of these and in a while he will differentiate on more subtle things. Therefore you cannot say the 3 yo is racist or that his parents must be, it is simply a stage in his development. You just need to repeat that people are ok even if different and that he shouldn't use it as a reason for not interacting - and his attitudes will become less rigid over time.

Note: marketing types twigged this a long time ago and made up the "blue is for boys, pink is for girls" which if a child learns at age 2, they stick to like limpets, because it helps them makes sense of the world. Takes a while for children to grow into a more sophisticated understanding of the world, they start with their simple rules first.

Maybe some people are actually misreading 3 as 8?

Really Miggsie?! I had never read or noticed that.

I totally agree miggsie you said what I was trying to say

Miggsie some 3 year olds might not even notice that they are black or white, just mabey gender. Some might though depends if they are just 3 or 3 nearly 4.

Plenty of developmental psychology as mitigation for the poor little chap there then

I though one of the functions of nursery was to allow the DC to finesse these things anyway?

people spectacularly missing the point.

This is not about making a judgment on the OP's child.He is still a tot who can't be expected to know the implications of what he has said

what it is about is a concern that he has been exposed to unhealthy influences.