7 year old not allowed to attend a funeral.

[Rhian1]

Hi Mumsnet, long time lerker - 1st time posting.

My granddad passed away last week. We have talked about this very openly with our seven year old son, who is quite (i think) emotionally mature for his age.

We discussed the funeral, talked about what to expect and what will happen on the day, I believe he should attend.

However, after speaking to my grandmother (deceased spouse), she is amendment that he will not be allowed to go under any circumstances and if we do take him he will be asked to leave, even if that means me leaving as well.

I have tried talking to her, I believe this isn't her decision to make.

The funeral is some 120 miles away from our home, we have no options of childcare and I wish my husband to attend (for his own personal respects, and selfish reasons that I would like his support).

What do I do now?! I have prepared my son for this, how can I possibly tell him he cant go? Or that none of us are going? I really dont want to make a scene at funeral.

Rock (me) hardplace.

Please help!

I'm another who thinks it is a good thing for children to witness grief, to see that its natural. I don't quite understand what the posters mean who are saying they would have to modify their behaviour if children were present, because I don't understand what you wouldn't want them to see. The only thing I think that I'd personally want to shield a child from would be the open coffin at the wake. In fact, whilst I'm in favour of taking children to a funeral, I wouldn't take a child to a wake (but then again, if it's in the child's own house, it can't be avoided).

I think the OP is getting rather a hard time. I do think she has to respect her grandmother's decision, but I think the idea of a family member putting any sort of rules in place as to who can attend a funeral is such a strange concept to me that I can understand why she wanted to ask her gm about the decision.

I don't think you have badgered or been disrespectful.

Sometimes, when we are grieving, we focus on minutiae like this to get us through the more difficult emotions under the surface. Which could apply to both you and your gran.

I do understand her not wanting kids there for the service. I do not understand the banning of kids for the wake.

Also, for everyone saying that the wishes of the chief mourner should be respected - what if they are less reasonable? What if they forbid all GGC regardless of age? What if there are 2/3 chief mourners who differ in opinion?

The wake is after the funeral here and I've never been to an open casket funeral. I don't think they are very common in the U.K.?

Not allowing children to a funeral is just so very strange and I can't quite comprehend it.

Gah, I always forget that what they call a wake in England isn't a wake as I know it, seeing as how in Irish terms a wake after a funeral is a bit too late.

Do open coffins not exist there then? The coffin would never be open at the actual service here, but it usually would at the house before hand.

Sorry, off topic.

You don't give out invitations for funerals but in this particular instance the gm has made it quite clear that she doesn't want him there.

That is the thing with chief mourners, who gets to decide? My ex was 39 when he died and his wife believed she was the chief mourner, but so did his mother, and so did my children who lost their dad.

So I don't understand the chief mourner concept.

I have never known of an open casket funeral or know anyone who has had one. I'm sure they happen but I think it's pretty rare.

Surely each family member who is organising and arranging the funeral is doing just that. Doing what they see fit. See fit for the real live living person they are who is at the heart of grief.

Bizarre MN double standards...child free weddings..personal choice.

Child free funeral...but my child has to experience grief therefore I can gate crash and upset chief mourner.

Personally if I was to gauge actual harm potentially caused then I vote for gatecrash the wedding every time.

Have in past 2 years been to child free funeral sombre low key funeral, no announcements no-one bar children and grandchildren (dgg) (5 of us youngest 32) and mega huge all and sundry effort my dc as only gc, front row and struggling with the enormity of it all and their mega loss of an adored gp.

It is complicated...and the chief mourner will organise and other mourners will allow them their tribute. As I have never been in the position of respecting a deceased wishes or dealing with the death of a spouse I am singularly unqualified.

Be rest assured though... a 7 year old would not have been able to cope with either occasion if truly extremely close relationship.

If not a very close, meaningful and genuine loss in your child's life then make a meaningful response for him that includes your deeper loss and is personal to your family unit.

You can't gate crash a funeral! Also, a child free wedding is nothing like telling a child they can't say goodbye to their loved one.

It's a sweeping statement to say that a 7 year old couldn't cope with a funeral of someone he was close to. I'm sure some couldn't, but many can, and do. I did, and I'm glad I got the chance to say goodbye to my granda when the rest of my family did.

He can say goodbye to his gd. It's just a question of how, bearing in mind the gm, his wife, has said that they will be asked to leave if the OP brings her son.

Are people suggesting the OP take her son and risk a scene at a funeral?

It really isn't for parents to decide. Turning up with children when you know it is against the express wishes of the deceased's widow, as some have suggested. would be crass in the extreme and would probably lead to family ructions that would reverberate for years.

I would argue that pressing someone about their decision days after their husband's death to a degree that they have to explain what would happen if she turned up with child in tow, then that qualifies as brow beating.

No one is saying children shouldn't grieve, but I would question whether a funeral is the best forum to do it, others have suggested other more child friendly ways of doing this.

This is not a dilemma. Your grandmother's wishes trump yours. I cannot understand why you are making such a fuss.

What is there to explain other than a change of plans? He's not going to a funeral- you haven't cancelled a trip to Disney.

And you have no childcare options? Really no family, friends, your son's friend's parents who could help ?

No, definitely not saying that OP should take her son anyway. Just saying that many children are fine with funerals.

I have no reason to doubt that treacle that isn't the issue at stake.

Yes, there is a clear chief mourner in this case.

But when my DGD passes, he will leave behind 3 daughters, all of whom should be equal. Only one of those daughters has DC and DGC. The 2 without DGC probably won't want them there. So who gets to decide in the event of a difference of opinion?

no, you're right compos I know it's not what the OP asked, was just referring to other posters who feel that funerals are not suitable for children.

Op, you have my sympathy. Never knew there was a guest list for funerals.

It does sound like you may need to defer to her wishes simply to avoid an ugly scene.

Whilst respecting her grief, she has no right to dictate how she thinks you and you and your son should mourn your grandad. After all, you shall carry his memory for years longer than she will.

I, too, know children who, decades later, still bitterly resent being banned from funerals, still feel the gap.

So sorry for your loss, so sorry your gran's sense of propriety is making the farewell so much harder for you and your son.

But when my DGD passes, he will leave behind 3 daughters, all of whom should be equal. Only one of those daughters has DC and DGC. The 2 without DGC probably won't want them there. So who gets to decide in the event of a difference of opinion?

In this instance I would go with not mentioning anything about the dgc and just going with them on the day....

Has your son no friends from school he plays with? Can't you ask a mum to help out.

We had something not quite the same but similar when Ds 1 was 6. One of the mums from school had him overnight and took him to school with hers next day.

I know you are moaning about your wishes not being respected but life IS a compromise. Get over it and support your grandmother.

You should respect your grandmothers wishes without needing a reason, she has just lost her spouse so shouldn't have to justify anything to anyone, not even her family. I understand you will want support but you will have to get that from other family members so your DH can take care of your DC. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you are coming across as selfish. You are not the only one grieving.

When my grand mother passed recently, DH brought the DC to the city where the funeral was taking place, took them out for the day when the funeral service was taking place. He then brought the DC to the wake afterwards, it meant they got to be involved without experiencing the saddest of the service .

Is there a compromise along those lines to be had?

Sorry. Ignore my post. I see you already answered that question at 19.19! Doh!

OP I think you are over complicating things in terms of having prepared your son and what to do next. You could just tell him, simply, that different people have different ideas about whether or not children should attend funerals and that Granny thinks they shouldn't. You then explain the importance of you all respecting her opinion.

I understand why you want your DH with you, of course you are grieving too. Have you thought that you might find it easier to grieve without your son there. I know that sometimes what can be hardest for children who attend their grandparents' funeral is seeing their parent overcome with grief.

Could you all travel together and stay in a hotel/B&B and then during the ceremony etc your DH and DS could mark the occasion in their own way. Perhaps they could go into a church and light a candle or visit somewhere that your Grandad liked to go. He could even have a treat, something different from the norm to mark the day as special day. It could be a nice bonding experience for DH and DS, maybe your DH could share with DS some stories of his own Grandparents.

Thank you for your reply waffly, sadly it's something we will have to consider probably in the near future and that is a good idea. Prevent the argument before it begins.

Though one of the daughters (my aunt) won't even want me and my siblings there!