Grooming gangs - please check on your teens

[lemmein]

I am unsure whether to put this on here, I might get ripped apart for what some might consider 'stating the bleedin' obvious' but I'm going to anyway.

This year my 15 year old daughter came home late (due in at 10 - arrived home at 11:30). She'd told me that she was going to the cinema with her friend. When she didn't arrive home I called her friends parents, her friend had been home all evening. Obviously I panicked. When she eventually arrived home we had a huge row and she admitted she had been out with '2 lads'. I grounded her for being late and lying. The next day she ran away.

I contacted the police who informed me that another girl in her school had been involved with an asian grooming gang; the police found my daughter the same night but referred her to social services because they believed she may have been exploited.

Since that day our lives blew up. That night when she supposedly went to the cinema 2 men had picked her up from my doorstep and took her away for sex. I discovered that she had a private number for a taxi driver who she would call at the top of the road to take her to school (I thought she was getting the bus, as always!). She also admitted that on several occasions when she was supposed to be sleeping at her friends she was actually with these men. On one occasion she had been given drink and drugs, fell asleep, and woke up to a man in his late 20s having sex with her. Obviously we were devastated, and the guilt was overwhelming, I'd failed at protecting her by trusting her word.

The police told me to not ground/punish her because it would make these men more appealing to run to; it was an horrific time, I didn't want her to leave the house knowing she would go straight to them, so I put a 'spy' app on her phone. From this I found that she was still meeting these people, on one occasion I found 2 men sat in a car outside her school, the same 2 men who had taken her that night when she was supposed to be at the cinema. I videoed and confronted them; contacted the police, they said they weren't committing a crime!?! It was becoming difficult to protect her from this gang, and from herself really. She couldn't see what they were doing at all.

I don't want to go into every little detail because I don't want to lose the reason for my writing in such a lengthy post. My daughter doesn't fit the 'stereotype' for the victims of this sort of crime. Me and her dad have been together for 19 years and have a good relationship, she's never witnessed any sort of violence/bullying/intimidation. She's currently doing her GCSEs and is predicted As throughout, even when she ran away she took her school books! She's mostly a confident young girl and up until those months I had a good relationship with her, or so I thought. Obviously I'm not saying that those who DO fit the stereotype are fair game to these scum, I just want to make the point that actually, there is no stereotype.

I had become too relaxed, I had believed she was staying at her friends, I stupidly had stopped checking and just trusted her; something I will regret forever, by not checking I feel I had practically giftwrapped my daughter to these men. They could do what they wanted because they knew she had lied and would feel unable to confide in us.

Please, please, please check where your teens are. I know some might find this patronising and think I'm an idiot for not knowing what was going on under my nose (I still can't believe it, so I understand this) but I genuinely had no reason to suspect anything was wrong. Had she not arrived home late that evening I probably still wouldn't know. These people are clever! they worm there way into your teens lives, offer them free lifts, give them free takeaways, invite them to parties with drink/drugs - they are ruthless. They will even wait outside your home, outside schools! It has taken months of intense work with my daughter, from me and also from social services (who have been brilliant btw, if you suspect this is happening to your child please contact them) for her to understand what these men were doing. I'm probably guilty of painting a picture of paedophiles/rapists as being monsters, when actually, as she has found, they are often charming, good looking young men.

Also, check your teens FB friend list, for older males or ones that live outside the area - my daughter's was full of these people. Question if they turn up with new perfume, clothes, even cigarettes - this was one thing I noticed but suspected her and her friends had been shoplifting (now, I wish they had!!). I had lost contact with her friends parents, obviously at 15 year old I no longer stand at the school gates, since speaking to the parents its become apparent that this was happening to all of these girls, not just my daughter. Please, always check where they are. I have been told by the police and social services that these grooming gangs are a huge problem in my area (the north east) - it is unbelievable how they can infiltrate your family and steal your daughter from under your nose. I wish you could all meet my daughter, she's not stupid, yet she believed them?

Sorry for the ridiculously long post; I hope I don't sound patronising, probably most mums do what I stupidly didn't anyways, but if it helps one mum/dad question their teens activities its worth it. These people are scum, please check.

www.channel4.com/news/loverboys-who-enslave-women-into-a-life-of-prostitution

Carpetbagger the Holland story is terrifying but shows that this isn't just a bunch of nasty boys, it is organised crime.

My DP would probably get himself killed if anything like that happened to our DD. He'd go all the way, guns and everything. Surprising that more men don't tbh.

OP what has been the reaction of your daughters father?

There's a bit too much to C&P here: some of you might be interested in the Crown Prosecution's guidance notes on sexual offences against children. The law's been changed dramatically, and it sounds as though police forces would benefit from some pressure to understand and implement the new offences.

unrealhousewife

Vigilantism is one short step away from honour killing the thin line between what's acceptable and what isn't some people just can't define.

Do you want Men to go round killing people?

The sad fact is that when these bad people are caught not enough seems to be done to keep them away from society long enough.

My daughter 14 thinks I'm insane (control freak, embarrassing, invading her privacy etc.) for asking for parents' phone numbers when she asks to stay out, and that I have even driven around to check that she is where she says she is. Thank you for posting this as it has reinforced for me that I do still need to be doing this, and shouldn't take her word for it about where she is.

This was a problem when I was at school. I'm from the NE but I don't think that's relevant. My school was selective and expensive. Everyone was from a 'nice' family, everyone was bright, most people had 2 supportive parents and a sibling who they got on with. There was no internet or mobile phones. Girls would be picked up after school in cars. They were bought food, given alcohol and presents and they would boast about it. They would talk about going to their 'boyfriend's' flat and smoking weed and drinking vodka and after a while they were showing off about how they were having sex. It wasn't the stuff that was the lure, it was being made to feel like a grown up. I was jealous that I'd never been 'picked'. The illusion fell apart when one of the girls was pg. She didn't know who the father was because her 'boyfriend' asked her to shag his friends too. I remember being horrified but other people thought it was normal. It's what you did when you weren't a stupid kid anymore. That was when I realised how controlled these girls were. I thought the older guys (who were only about 20) really liked the girls, and I swallowed all that bullshit you believe as a teenager about girls maturing early so 14 and 20 isn't really a big age gap. Part of the fear of not doing it was that they would go back to being a kid again. No riding around in cars drinking vodka. You'd be back with the rest of the losers with an orange squash in the church hall. It was when the Rochdale abuse came to light that it really hit me what had happened. It was 25 years ago.

It's hard to strike a balance of trust with teens.

I think there comes a point when you have to know whether you have done enough to ensure your child understands about consent and abuse. Sadly nowadays those lines are so blurred via the net that you end up in a situation where they can very easily think that abuse is normal.

It takes means a challenging conversation - no amount of checking on them will help unless they understand the basics about abuse and consent.

That's shocking cagefull

it happened when i was at school too thecageisful and you describe it very well. i didn't grow up in the south east btw.

the only reason the police seemed to care at all here is that one of the known ringleaders had done it to a policeman's daughter.

i meant didn't grow up in the north east - sorry.

yes its v much organised crime...

our daughters are just flies wandering into this vast web.....

no amount of checking on them will help unless they understand the basics about abuse and consent

agree also they need it drumming into them that a man buying them a mobile and booze and driving a flash car isnt the be all end all and could have a nasty intent behind it.

It never occurred to me that anybody was doing anything wrong. I knew that laws were being broken wrt underage drinking and drugs and I ignored the age of consent because I didn't believe that anybody was being coerced into sex. Technically i could have told a teacher or my parents but what 15 yo is going to tell a teacher that a classmate has an older boyfriend who is unbelievably sophisticated and she is drinking and smoking a bit of weed? I was jealous, not concerned.

The girls would mostly be home in time to have dinner with their families at about 6. It was an independent school and it was normal to get the bus into town and hang around before getting another bus or the train home. Only the most paranoid parents would've thought anything was up.

no amount of checking on them will help unless they understand the basics about abuse and consent
But the girls want to do it,they want to feel grown up, that is the problem

Sunshine, wouldn't the problem be that they think being passed, half-conscious, around a group of men IS being grown-up? They need to understand properly about boundaries, free will & consent. And, regrettably, they need such a strong grasp on it that they won't be fooled into thinking the girls in porn are being respected.

Need to know where this happened in the north east - anyone?

sorry but we're victim focusing here. the point is that grooming and having sex and giving drink and drugs to underage girls should be prosecuted as standard.

why is the children's responsibility to 'know' all of these things? sure we want to protect them all we can but more importantly we want the police and the weight of prosecution to protect them and deter such criminality via harsh sentencing and zero tolerance.

as opposed to the misogynistic well girls are for fucking so what's the problem kind of approach being exhibited by police and courts.

Yes, absolutely, HB, but this is also enmeshed with pornification and, like it or not, perpetrators will abuse a woman or girl's poor understanding of consent.

As Judge John Walford said in the Cleveland case, "The fact that the girls have been condemned and not you reveals a profoundly worrying attitude to what has gone on here - an attitude which if not challenged will lead to further cases like this in the future, just as it has in the past." Have a look at the article; it certainly highlights the issue :(

Googlenut, I don't know why you keep asking exactly where OP lives If you're hoping "It couldn't happen here" where you are, you are wrong. I'm putting two very recent links here for you. 67 arrests were made in the Tyneside sweep: don't kid yourself it only happens on a particular street corner.

Teesside

Tyneside

Between the ages of 14 and 16 the law changes regarding consent and defendants can claim there was consent. This is the main problem I think. There is very little the police can do unless the child is 13 and under.

Prosecution for Grooming a child has to be preceded by online chatting but I'm not sure how face to face grooming is tackled.

I got that from Garlics link previously.

This issue is the result of a dangerous combination of old school sexism, organised crime, inadequate outdated laws and parental or school guidance, pornography and available technology.

The 'moral' landscape of young people has changed beyond recognition and needs a different approach. Now that we can no longer lock up our daughters, metaphorically or otherwise, we have to do what we can to ensure they recognise grooming when they see it.

Garlic - twice I asked. And I know now. Don't be so arsey.

I agree unrealhousewife.
I heard today of plans to make 'revenge porn' illegal, I'm not sure how enforceable that will be, and of course there will be difficulties over proving consent but perhaps it will to some extent help to spread the message that men cant use, objectify and punish women with impunity.

the only reason the police seemed to care at all here is that one of the known ringleaders had done it to a policeman's daughter

this is horrifying and it suggests to me that the policeman has no compassion for the women who have been abused, rather he is acting as a man who feels personally wronged because one of his 'women folk' has been defiled by another man

I agree Honey but I have seen police in action, no one cares more about my daughter than me and her dad.

I do rememebver at school we were told about CULTS, sending out people to befriend gap year people at bus stations and how they would do it....send the most attractive friendly people out, help them then suck them in.

surely if children ( teens) were told how these gangs operate they would know to avoid them?

It makes so much sense that the girls want to do it to feel grown up. Think of all the media images/pop stars etc. They're dressed like porn stars, strutting around, all very sexualized. Hardly shocking that girls think shagging around is grown up. I've seen young teenagers handing around town centers drinking and smoking, wearing very skimpy clothes after dark. They're not prostitutes, just young girls hanging out. This was in Colchester and London. I'm not saying that skimpy clothes should be banned (!) but that the behaviour of the groomed gangs is on a continuum of sexual behavior that I think has become more "open" ie encourages young girls to have sex younger and with more people, compared with when I was a kid.

I am turning into Mary Whitehouse aaaaargh!

but that the behaviour of the groomed gangs is on a continuum of sexual behavior that I think has become more "open" ie encourages young girls to have sex younger and with more people, compared with when I was a kid

Yes but these men are paedophiles deliberately preying on young girls. It matters not what the girls wear what they do where they go, sadly if one of these men gets them in his clutches through tried and tested techniques....they are trapped in a web.

But they are cunning paedophiles who want to have sex with under age girls.

the law needs not to be different for 14-16yos especially where there is a significant age gap and where drugs and alcohol are involved.

the police in reality are deciding it's not even worth pursuing rather than actually pursuing and the case failing because girls, with specialist victim support remain unable to see what has happened to them and testify.

they are assuming the girls won't rather than even bloody trying.