Grooming gangs - please check on your teens

[lemmein]

I am unsure whether to put this on here, I might get ripped apart for what some might consider 'stating the bleedin' obvious' but I'm going to anyway.

This year my 15 year old daughter came home late (due in at 10 - arrived home at 11:30). She'd told me that she was going to the cinema with her friend. When she didn't arrive home I called her friends parents, her friend had been home all evening. Obviously I panicked. When she eventually arrived home we had a huge row and she admitted she had been out with '2 lads'. I grounded her for being late and lying. The next day she ran away.

I contacted the police who informed me that another girl in her school had been involved with an asian grooming gang; the police found my daughter the same night but referred her to social services because they believed she may have been exploited.

Since that day our lives blew up. That night when she supposedly went to the cinema 2 men had picked her up from my doorstep and took her away for sex. I discovered that she had a private number for a taxi driver who she would call at the top of the road to take her to school (I thought she was getting the bus, as always!). She also admitted that on several occasions when she was supposed to be sleeping at her friends she was actually with these men. On one occasion she had been given drink and drugs, fell asleep, and woke up to a man in his late 20s having sex with her. Obviously we were devastated, and the guilt was overwhelming, I'd failed at protecting her by trusting her word.

The police told me to not ground/punish her because it would make these men more appealing to run to; it was an horrific time, I didn't want her to leave the house knowing she would go straight to them, so I put a 'spy' app on her phone. From this I found that she was still meeting these people, on one occasion I found 2 men sat in a car outside her school, the same 2 men who had taken her that night when she was supposed to be at the cinema. I videoed and confronted them; contacted the police, they said they weren't committing a crime!?! It was becoming difficult to protect her from this gang, and from herself really. She couldn't see what they were doing at all.

I don't want to go into every little detail because I don't want to lose the reason for my writing in such a lengthy post. My daughter doesn't fit the 'stereotype' for the victims of this sort of crime. Me and her dad have been together for 19 years and have a good relationship, she's never witnessed any sort of violence/bullying/intimidation. She's currently doing her GCSEs and is predicted As throughout, even when she ran away she took her school books! She's mostly a confident young girl and up until those months I had a good relationship with her, or so I thought. Obviously I'm not saying that those who DO fit the stereotype are fair game to these scum, I just want to make the point that actually, there is no stereotype.

I had become too relaxed, I had believed she was staying at her friends, I stupidly had stopped checking and just trusted her; something I will regret forever, by not checking I feel I had practically giftwrapped my daughter to these men. They could do what they wanted because they knew she had lied and would feel unable to confide in us.

Please, please, please check where your teens are. I know some might find this patronising and think I'm an idiot for not knowing what was going on under my nose (I still can't believe it, so I understand this) but I genuinely had no reason to suspect anything was wrong. Had she not arrived home late that evening I probably still wouldn't know. These people are clever! they worm there way into your teens lives, offer them free lifts, give them free takeaways, invite them to parties with drink/drugs - they are ruthless. They will even wait outside your home, outside schools! It has taken months of intense work with my daughter, from me and also from social services (who have been brilliant btw, if you suspect this is happening to your child please contact them) for her to understand what these men were doing. I'm probably guilty of painting a picture of paedophiles/rapists as being monsters, when actually, as she has found, they are often charming, good looking young men.

Also, check your teens FB friend list, for older males or ones that live outside the area - my daughter's was full of these people. Question if they turn up with new perfume, clothes, even cigarettes - this was one thing I noticed but suspected her and her friends had been shoplifting (now, I wish they had!!). I had lost contact with her friends parents, obviously at 15 year old I no longer stand at the school gates, since speaking to the parents its become apparent that this was happening to all of these girls, not just my daughter. Please, always check where they are. I have been told by the police and social services that these grooming gangs are a huge problem in my area (the north east) - it is unbelievable how they can infiltrate your family and steal your daughter from under your nose. I wish you could all meet my daughter, she's not stupid, yet she believed them?

Sorry for the ridiculously long post; I hope I don't sound patronising, probably most mums do what I stupidly didn't anyways, but if it helps one mum/dad question their teens activities its worth it. These people are scum, please check.

news.sky.com/story/1101483/grooming-report-mps-say-asian-gangs-do-exist

"However, evidence presented to us suggests that there is a model of localised grooming of Pakistani-heritage men targeting young white girls."

It went on: "This must be acknowledged by official agencies, who we were concerned to hear in some areas of particular community tension, had reportedly been slow to draw attention to the issue for fear of affecting community cohesion.

"The condemnation from those communities of this vile crime should demonstrate that there is no excuse for tip-toeing around this issue.

"It is important that police, social workers and others be able to raise their concerns freely, without fear of being labelled racist."

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/9253250/Rochdale-grooming-trial-Police-accused-of-failing-to-investigate-paedophile-gang-for-fear-of-appearing-racist.html

Complaints to social workers and the police were ignored because they were "petrified of being called racist", former Labour MP for Keighley Ann Cryer said

I think the main reason for this horrible problem is misogyny, both from the perpetrators and the authorities.

However the vast majority of this type of gang grooming IS carried out by certain cultures/religions.

I think that is because these cultures and religions are much more misogynistic than others. They also can have a harmful view of people from other cultures religions.

Not a race thing but a cultural/religious one.

I don't want to get away from the fact that it is misogynistic attitudes that is the problem. But we need to face the facts and not be too scared to disscuss the reasons if we want to understand this problem so we can better address it.

I say this as someone from a country and culture that is the same as many of these vile gangs.

Whilst I agree we shouldn't shy away from addressing problems that emanate from men from particular ethnic groups, the report by the Children's Commissioner does query the perception of the problem, and highlights that it can be counter productive to focus on it being a problem with ethnic minority groups. One of the examples they give in the report:

"During a meeting with two health workers, the Inquiry asked about the profile of perpetrators in the local area. We were told that they were exclusively ‘Asian males’. We asked the workers to talk us through one of their live cases. They said the victim had first been exploited in school by her peers, who were all white boys. She was then exploited by an older boyfriend who was an Asian man in his twenties. Following this, she was exploited by an older white man who filmed her having sex with his friends. She was then exploited by a group of older Asian men who sold her at parties. Finally, an older white man, who was addicted to drugs, exploited her. He took her to the homes of much older, disabled men, and sold her to pay for his drug habit.
These health workers had mentally screened out the white perpetrators.
Example given at a meeting during Phase 2 of the Inquiry"

My goodness it's a FACT that these gangs are from Asian backgrounds. I think it is worth exploring the culture as to why certain groups of men are doing this!

Sure, just as long as why we spend just as much energy and time examining why such men think they can get away with targeting British girls. Why do they actually find it easy to lure British girls into sexual relationships? Why is it that British girls are such 'willing' victims? Why do they feel they can abuse the girls with impunity- that there is little chance of them getting found out and prosecuted?

This problem says as much about our own British culture as it does about male Asian culture.

I was involved several years ago in the care of a 14 year old girl who was 'out of control' and continually ran away from home, social services were heavily involved and she had been given an expensive blackberry (new invention at thAt time) by a friend. She received messages and calls on this blackberry from her friend and would abscond for several days. It was discovered that she was involved with a grooming gang made up of white men in their late teens, early twenties. They were heavily into drugs and she was involved in prostitution with this gang. The lure for this girl was marijuana. It was well known to the police and social services in that area at the time that this was a problem and we all worked hard to gather evidence (south east area)

I agree Thistle, the culture might hold clues as to why these men do this and how it can be stopped.

OP I am not sure your daughters story is yours to tell to random strangers online - it seems massively invasive of her privacy

Gordy, thanks for your post. Respecting my daughters privacy has gotten us into this situation in the first place! Whilst I understand what you're saying how else can you raise awareness without sharing experiences? This wasn't just my daughters story, my whole family has been put through hell. Keeping quiet protects the perpetrators - it needs to be discussed!

This has already happened to my family, if sharing it helps prevent it happening to others then so be it, I'm fine with that to be honest.

I saw the documentary about these gangs too - last year or the year before maybe? It's a really big problem and it does seem to be the case that the race issue is being glossed over, you could say fears of being called racist, but that seems absurd. Are police really so blinkered in this area?

I agree it is a feminist issue too as it is predominantly male gangs targeting young girls. I wonder if there is a bit of "Not all Asian men" going on. Of course the vast majority of Asian men are perfectly normal, nice, safe people but the gangs being Asian and male can't be ignored.

Lemme, you have not posted anything identifiable. If no one was meant to discuss other people, MN would simply cease to exist. As you were.

Thank you for taking the time to share this, I'm so sorry it has happened to your DD and family.
I have a 12 yo DD and I'm going to get her to read your op and discuss it with her.

While asian gangs have been in the news for this, it is not just asian gangs and saying so may mean a young girl is groomed by a white man or woman because the dont think its something that white men or women do. There are resources available on the internet to help you help your teenagers. Barnardos have produced a document called be wise to sexual exploitation. It si a large document and is aimed at educators but has info about the grooming process ( the grooming line) which is generally a 4 stage process over many months. Ceop has produced a film called exploited and has loads of resources on their website including how to get help and what happens. I think you can register as a parent on that website. Sorry on the ipad so cant link. In our school ( im nw england) several girls have been subjected to exploitation but it is not announced as a prblem and the agencies involved will do workshops, but generally with at risk girls ( which the ops daughter would not have been classed as) we do cover this with all pupils.

Soory missed off..... In pshe!

I can't believe the police still haven't found a way to deal with this effectively, a few girls I was at school with were sucked in by a similar group 10 years ago in Kent and the police didn't much care then either.

I was abused as a teenager (by 1 disgusting scumbag rather than a gang) it took me a long time to realise what was happening, that it wasn't normal, it was a difficult journey and i was foul to my family so well done to all of you for sticking together and pulling through this.

Similar happened to me when I was a teenager and how I ended up with my DS- so a very sticky situation as you can guess and certainly not something "new" (DS is now 18) and didn't get anywhere near as much support as your daughter is OP.

It was tough- i'm not going to lie. It put me in a dark place for a very long time but meeting my DH certainly helped although I didn't trust him properly until 3 years into our relationship.

All you can do is be there for her- and please do be. My parents weren't because "I went against their wishes" and of course weren't pleased when I got pregnant at 17.

Bigs hugs to both of you. PM me if you need a chat.

redshifter I completely agree. Some cultures devalue women more than others but ALL do it to some degree or another.

For our authorities to say they were afraid of being branded racist just leaves the loudly silent statement "and it's only girls and women being targeted so on balance I'll choose to protect a group of men. All women get fucked in the end one way or another, who cares if it starts early."

The policeman who dismissed the rape of a minor illustrates just how much 'our' system leaves us out in the cold.

Thanks for sharing your DDs story. I'm so sorry you have all been through this but glad you are getting your lives back.

My DD is 15 so I will definitely be sharing this with her.

All my good wishes to you all and here's hoping your DD will grow in to a strong young woman

I think you are so brave posting this to bring it to others attention.

I can't praise Barnardo's enough either and would urge anyone who's worried about this sort of thing to contact them.

Cheeseandrice I'm glad someone's school is discussing this with all their pupils. Surely it should be on the PSHE curriculum for all schools?

Grooming gangs operate in gangs because they need to make their story believable by having lots of people involved. You might not trust an isolated individual but when there are several saying the same thing you might.

They also work in gangs because it makes it harder to be prosecuted. They pick on older teens so the police assume it's a confused but consenting relationship.

This is organised crime and the police need to be equipped to tackle it and take every allegation, whether from a parent (as in OP's case) or a child. The parent's voice should be heard very clearly and any disclosure to them should be used as evidence. As far as I understand it only the child's disclosure to a professional is deemed evidence. Because of the likely threats involved to girls families it is going to be very unlikely that children will disclose or report.

This is so horrific the police and government seem to just want to bury their head in the sand and pretend it's not happening. Just like they did with DV, just like they did with rape. Meanwhile random wide boys are making money from organised criminals out of violating our daughters.

I am so sorry that the OP has gone through this and clearly has had a poor response from her local police force. Can I just say that, in my force area, this is now taken very seriously. I say "now" because it clearly wasn't in the past.

In my force area, a child in these circumstances would have been identified at an early stage as 'at risk of Child Sexual Exploitation'. Should she go missing - ie you report to the police that you cannot contact her and don't know where she is, she would be considered a priority and would be actively traced.

Even if she didn't want to cooperate with pursuing a complaint, as much forensic evidence would be secured as possible and with parental support a prosecution would be actively pursued.

It is saddening to hear that this is not always what is happening. I would be interested to know what area you are in OP.

I applaud you for bringing these uncomfortable truths to the attention of as many people as possible and I wish you and your daughter all the best for the future.

Oh, and in terms of the males involved - they can be given 'harbourer's warnings' evidencing that they have been told how old the child in question is and if they continue to lure her away from her family, they can be arrested for child abduction. So there are offences that cover this behaviour in the absence of evidence of, or ideally prior to, any sexual offences.

That's helpful information Ziggy - so are you saying that OP could bring a case against these people without consent from her daughter? Cos that's what I would have thought but OP said that they couldn't because her daughter didn't wish it. It seems they have heaps of evidence.

It can and has been done. It is difficult, it is a new area of policing and prosecuting, but it can be done. This is in no way criticising the OP, it seems she has been misinformed by an indifferent police force.

Perhaps we could have a MN discussion with an experienced knowledgeable Officer who can share more up to date information.