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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't take my baby to a wedding but someone else can...

438 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 16/06/2014 23:56

One of my DH's good friends is getting married in 2 months time. When they handed out their invites they said children are welcome to be at the church ceremony but are unable to attend the meal and the evening reception.

That's fine, I have absolutely no problem with child-free weddings.

I have a baby that I EBF so I text the bride and declined the invite and said it because I couldn't leave DS. DS will have just turned 5 months at the time of the wedding. I didn't get a reply from her.

My DH is felt quite aggrieved as he wasn't comfortable with the fact that me and DS couldn't go seeing as DS will not need a seat or food so won't be affecting their guest numbers or cost. But anyway, like I said, I have no problem if the B&G choose child free weddings.

However, it has now transpired another couple who have a baby are being allowed to take theirs because "he will only be 3 months old".

Hmm

Since learning this my DH has spoken to the Groom who has said he will speak to the bride. The Groom said of course he wanted me to be at the wedding but apparently the bride had said she didn't want babies/children present as she didn't want food being thrown around the room?!

Do 5 month old babies do that?
(DS is my first so I have no experience of a baby's fine dining etiquette).

He also said she probably wasn't aware I'd still be BF.

It's been five days now since my DH spoke to his friend and we still haven't heard anything back do I'm guessing the bride said no and we are still not welcome.

I don't know how I feel about it all now - surely if she is banning babies it should apply to all babies? I think it's a bit unfair that I'm being turned away but another mother and her baby aren't.

(Incidentally the other baby is being formula fed so can technically be away from her parents.)

I'm happy to be told I'm BU - I just think it's a bit harsh that my baby isn't welcome but someone else's is....

OP posts:
dietcokeandwine · 17/06/2014 15:01

(I appreciate the current EBF argument but her DC could well be accepting a bottle in 2 months time, it's a long way away)

Oh and in answer to the query re older babies 'throwing food around' - err, yes, they do!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 17/06/2014 15:11

We took our then 18 month old to a wedding and it was really stressful. He just wanted to run around, all day. So it meant one of us spent all our time following him around and then swapped so we could chat to friends. DH then very nicely took him home to bed after tea time and let me stay out and drink.

We've got another wedding this year and will be (very kindly) using the baby sitting services of Grandma. He will have a great time and we will have a day out together. Oh, apart from our newborn baby.

pianodoodle · 17/06/2014 15:15

I'd have been mortified before my wedding to tell a woman she couldn't bring a wee baby.

Even worse to tell one she can bring her but not the other.

That was before I had children or knew anything about babies.

Just because you're having a wedding doesn't mean you stop thinking of others does it?

I wouldn't be arsed going personally.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 17/06/2014 15:50

I'm really ok with the fact I can't go to the Reception I'm just iffy that one woman can bring her baby because "It's only 3 months old" but I can't take mine.

I certainly haven't harassed the bride in any way or pestered her about asking for an invite for DS. All that has happened is my DH talking to the Groom about it who said they hadn't realise I'd still be breastfeeding, that of course they want me to attend and so he'd speak to his fiancé.

OP posts:
fledermaus · 17/06/2014 15:52

They have to draw a line somewhere though - 3 months is till just about in the newborn stage, whereas 5 months, 9 months, 12 months, 18 months, who do they allow and who not? They don't want children at their wedding which is fair enough.

OfficerVanHalen · 17/06/2014 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 17/06/2014 16:30

Well yeah, but lots of parents here appear to think they've been singled out for a personal slighting if their children aren't the VIPs at a wedding.

We had kids at ours, but I didn't feel obliged to invite them. And I would have felt perfectly entitled to say nephews and nieces only, too.

Chippednailvarnish · 17/06/2014 16:34

I'm really ok with the fact I can't go to the Reception I'm just iffy that one woman can bring her baby because "It's only 3 months old" but I can't take mine

So you're not OK then are you?
And you can go to the reception, but your child can't.

LittlePeaPod · 17/06/2014 16:36

Officer that's true but in the same vain B&G shouldn't be made to feel bad because they don't invite kids or certain kids. Some parents need to stop been so precious. If your kid(s) aren not invited they are not invited regardless of who else (including other kids) is invited.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 17/06/2014 16:39

Maybe 'iffy' was the wrong word then Grin
Maybe confused would have been better??

I genuinely am ok about not going Smile

I will definitely go to the wedding because I really do want to see them get married. Even though I said DS is welcome I don't think I will take him because there's nothing worse than babies or children making noises during the vows! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 17/06/2014 16:43

I meant to say that even though they said DS is welcome to the Ceremony.

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 17/06/2014 17:01

I expect you will find out and I imagine it's a totally innocent reason.

Seeing as how you turned the place down before she said the other baby could come she may well have filled your spot and be thinking shitty Nora this is awkward.

PhaedraIsMyName · 17/06/2014 17:19

pianonoodle

Just because you're having a wedding doesn't mean you stop thinking of others does it?

These types of threads have me thinking
"Just because you've got children doesn't mean you start thinking the world revolves around them does it?"

I don't understand the assumption that every invitation issued to parents must extend to their off-spring.

SuperFlyHigh · 17/06/2014 17:21

I can't believe the bare faced cheek of some people who when it says no children on the invite - they ask if they can bring an EBF baby!

What part of the words no children do these people not understand?!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 17/06/2014 17:22

I haven't asked if I can bring him - I declined!!!

OP posts:
PhaedraIsMyName · 17/06/2014 17:33

Yes, you declined (by text) and are now making a fuss because someone else's baby is going. You don't know what the circumstances re the other baby are but you're now taking it as a personal slight.

To be honest a 3 month bf baby will probably be an easier option as it's more likely to sleep and presumably will be more likely to be happy with someone who isn't necessarily its mother feeding it (given the number of times we're told on here by ebfs as some sort of badge of honour that their child won't settle with anyone else)

Personally if someone had declined as important an event as my wedding by text I'd not be falling over myself to then try and accomodate that person and her baby.

Igggi · 17/06/2014 17:39

Sounds completely unfair to me; not difference between a baby and a toddler, say, they are both unweaned infants.

Kerryp that was a particularly nasty post and you do come across as a bit of a twat, on this occasion!

squoosh · 17/06/2014 17:40

It isn't about 'fair', it's someone's wedding. They invite whomever they want to invite.

Igggi · 17/06/2014 17:48

..but OP never says, is it allowed for the couple not to invite her baby, she is asking if it seems fair or a bit harsh. Hence my response.
Actually I think wedding invitations tend to have a lot to so with "fairness" - inviting equal amounts on both sides, making a decision re cousins, workmates, friends that seems equitable - also usually deciding either no dcs or all of them. And no, babes-in-arms do not generally fall under the same category as other children!

squoosh · 17/06/2014 17:53

And I still don't think it's harsh.

They are probably dealing with the bride's Granny asking if her friend Jean from the bingo can come too, the groom's Auntie Helen demanding that Cousin Herbert isn't invited, his Auntie Sylvia demanding Cousin Herbert is invited.

Maybe they're closer to this other couple with the younger baby. Who knows! As I said before weddings are dictatorships, not democracies.

Alisvolatpropiis · 17/06/2014 17:57

Yabu.

These threads make me eternally grateful nobody I know has a baby, it's an inbetween stage in which all the children are over 6 (and there aren't many of them). Because no, I wouldn't want them at my wedding.

JohnnyBarthes · 17/06/2014 17:59

In case any prospective breast feeders read this thread and are put off - within a month or so of starting to wean, most babies can be left for several hours. Even bottle refusers (who ime are less likely to refuse if their mum isn't around with a better offer anyway).

I appreciate that guidelines have changed in the past decade and that this isn't applicable in the Op's case (it would have been when I was breast feeding, and would also apply if the Op's baby was a matter of weeks older). I'd just hate someone to think that breastfeeding means having a baby latched on 24/7 for months and months.

PhaedraIsMyName · 17/06/2014 18:07

Johnny that's interesting. There are so many posts on MN from ebfs going on about how their child can't be left. (e.g the Chelsea Flower show violation of bf rights thread)

I see I got ff and bf muddled. I meant a ff 3 month old might be less of an issue.

Iggi re unfair, who knows maybe the other mother of unweaned baby actually made the effort to speak to the bride.

itsbetterthanabox · 17/06/2014 18:14

I think child free weddings are wrong. If you love someone enough to have them at your wedding then you should love their children! The couple are being petty. Don't go, I wouldn't.

MsVenus · 17/06/2014 18:18

I wouldn't go if my child wasnt welcome nor would I spend my hard earned cash on a gift for them either. Have a lovely day with your dc at a place where you are both welcome.