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AIBU?

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Original poster

I can't take my baby to a wedding but someone else can...

438 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 16/06/2014 23:56

One of my DH's good friends is getting married in 2 months time. When they handed out their invites they said children are welcome to be at the church ceremony but are unable to attend the meal and the evening reception.

That's fine, I have absolutely no problem with child-free weddings.

I have a baby that I EBF so I text the bride and declined the invite and said it because I couldn't leave DS. DS will have just turned 5 months at the time of the wedding. I didn't get a reply from her.

My DH is felt quite aggrieved as he wasn't comfortable with the fact that me and DS couldn't go seeing as DS will not need a seat or food so won't be affecting their guest numbers or cost. But anyway, like I said, I have no problem if the B&G choose child free weddings.

However, it has now transpired another couple who have a baby are being allowed to take theirs because "he will only be 3 months old".

Hmm

Since learning this my DH has spoken to the Groom who has said he will speak to the bride. The Groom said of course he wanted me to be at the wedding but apparently the bride had said she didn't want babies/children present as she didn't want food being thrown around the room?!

Do 5 month old babies do that?
(DS is my first so I have no experience of a baby's fine dining etiquette).

He also said she probably wasn't aware I'd still be BF.

It's been five days now since my DH spoke to his friend and we still haven't heard anything back do I'm guessing the bride said no and we are still not welcome.

I don't know how I feel about it all now - surely if she is banning babies it should apply to all babies? I think it's a bit unfair that I'm being turned away but another mother and her baby aren't.

(Incidentally the other baby is being formula fed so can technically be away from her parents.)

I'm happy to be told I'm BU - I just think it's a bit harsh that my baby isn't welcome but someone else's is....

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2014 09:49

You're probably right thursday - I will speak to her properly about it. I would hate her to think I'm snubbing it in a "If my DS can't come then neither am I" Sad We have always got on really well so I will clear the air. I haven't heard from her at all since I declined the invite and the fact she was avoiding my DH does indicate I may have offended her.

OP posts:
ThursdayLast · 20/06/2014 10:22

Ooooh, I like that opening sentence Grin

Seriously though, I think just discussing it like two sensible women is the only way to stop any bad feeling developing either way. It would be awful for either of you to look back on this and feel it pushed you apart.
She might not agree with your reasoning, but you are confident in it and that's all that matters.

Thumbwitch · 20/06/2014 10:27

Writer I do fully understand the timings of this wedding as I've been closely following the thread. But I did say in my post that she might be feeling slighted that you don't think her wedding reception is worthy.

Indications seem to be that she doesn't understand your position re. breastfeeding your baby, nor that you can't be away from him for several hours, and that she might be feeling slighted. So tread carefully - and please do have that chat with her, although I'd try by phone before trying to have a cuppa with her, as she might refuse. Again, she might not - but phone her to "clear the air" and suggest you meet for a cuppa etc.

Thumbwitch · 20/06/2014 10:28

Dammit, I keep forgetting to put all my thoughts down in one post - I totally understand that you can't be away from your baby that long under your own circumstances - but she might not.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2014 11:28

Thanks thursday and thumbwitch - I will definitely take your advice on board and act on it Smile

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 20/06/2014 13:01

I would leave it be. The bride is trying to organise a wedding, and I would be irritated if someone kept going on about why they had declined, either in person or via their DH.

I really think you are over-thinking it. It must be exhausting.

LittlePeaPod · 20/06/2014 13:27

Writer I agree you should leave it. I don't think B&G will be bothered. They probably don't even think about it. They will have more important things to worry about. If you keep going on about it. You risk looking like you are still hounding for an invite. They have made it clear your DS is still not invited by totally ignoring the subject when your DH saw them.

Chippednailvarnish · 20/06/2014 18:33

People are always saying why should the bride alter her day to fit around her guests but based on the same argument, why as a guest am I expected to change my feeding methods (which are important to me) to fit around her day?

This has to be one of the funniest things I've read on MN. In theory this is the one day in the brides life when she will get married. It is a bit more important as a life event than your refusal to either decline the invitation or make arrangements to feed your son. The longer this thread has gone on the more self absorbed you have sounded.

Her wedding, her choice.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 20/06/2014 20:03

Agree with Chipped.

The only thing actually expected of you was for you to accept or decline an invitation, that's it.

You've added the extra expectations, not the bride.

Are you actually happy with everything at the moment? You seem very fixated on the fact that you are ebf to the detriment of everything else - it just seems a bit too evangelical iyswim.

It's really ok to express some milk and let someone else take over for a bit - it won't damage any bonds, or mean you're under par as a mother. It's ok to not sacrifice every moment of your waking to your baby. (I mean that in a nice way, not being snippy).

rallytog1 · 20/06/2014 20:19

Agree with Scarlett I'm afraid. Are you ok Writer?

It really is not going to make you any less of a mother if you give your baby one bottle once. Whether that's ebm or formula. It's ok.

But you have to accept that people will not (and should not be expected to) rearrange one of the most important days of their life around you.

HaroldLloyd · 20/06/2014 20:44

She wasn't expecting you to change your feeding habits, she merely invited you to a wedding, which you are unable to attend and said no.

If she text and said give him a bottle or your dead you might have a point.

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 20/06/2014 21:03

ceres if you wanted an 'adult party', have an adult party. A wedding isn't just a party. That's my point.

Anyway, this is derailing, and it sounds as if the OP has sorted things, good luck writer.

ceres · 20/06/2014 21:20

"ceres if you wanted an 'adult party', have an adult party. A wedding isn't just a party. That's my point."

actually the wedding IS a party. the ceremony part is the actual marriage.

wheresthelight · 20/06/2014 21:53

The only one being a drama llama is the op!! The b&get couldn't care less as they have never mentioned it!

Suck it up and move on to your next crisis

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2014 22:17

It's all been sorted Smile

I phoned the bride and she admitted she has been quite annoyed by me declining the invitation because she thought I was just being petty because DS couldn't go. She said that's why I hadn't heard from her.

I said I could see why she would think like that but then explained about the feeding issue and she understood why I'd declined. I reassured her I will definitely be going to the Wedding and DH will definitely be going for the full day celebrations.

She apologised for not replying to my text and not making any contact with me, as we are normally regularly in touch, but it just because she felt a bit pissed off. I apologised for not calling her in the first place and said I shouldn't have assumed she would know that me declining was because of the feeding.

She said she had already offered my place to somebody else and that's why she had avoided my DH the other night. I said I understood why she had invited someone else and that it really isn't an issue.

It all ended in a big hug, we both said we were glad we had spoken about it because now we had cleared the air and now we both know our assumptions were purely down to lack of communication.

She asked if I'd be bringing DS to the Wedding with me but I told her I wouldn't as I didn't want him to start making noises or crying and causing a scene - I think she was secretly relieved Grin

OP posts:
ChickenFajitasAndNachos · 20/06/2014 22:25

I think this illustrates the problems with texts and emails compared with good old talking.

Boudica1990 · 20/06/2014 23:28

How do you hug over the phone??

Anyways glad you sorted it.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2014 23:50

Lol - it's a thing we always say over the phone if we can't actually hug. We just shout, "Big hug!" at each other. It sounds quite lame written down but it's just something we have always done Grin

I'm glad it's sorted too, thanks Smile

OP posts:
Boudica1990 · 20/06/2014 23:53

I was just pondering if you had some sort of futuristic telephone system that allowed physical contact via calls.

Jesus imagine the money you could make from that invention...that's so my next dragons den haha Grin

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2014 23:57

Well I want half the profits Grin

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 21/06/2014 00:02

Throughout this thread you've said you're not bothered but then why create all this fuss? You really are fixated on ebf ness

How do you hug over the phone?

Igggi · 21/06/2014 00:03

So... You still don't know why the other baby can come though, do you? Thought that was point of thread?

Thumbwitch · 21/06/2014 00:09

writer I'm really pleased that you have phoned her and cleared the air - well done! enjoy the ceremony and then a nice quiet afternoon with your baby. xx

LittleBearPad · 21/06/2014 00:09

But actually the only reason the OP thinks other baby is going is because it's father implied it. This could all be a massive storm in a teacup.

LittlePeaPod · 21/06/2014 10:31

Glad you sorted it and explained the phone hug...