I can't take my baby to a wedding but someone else can...

[Writerwannabe83]

One of my DH's good friends is getting married in 2 months time. When they handed out their invites they said children are welcome to be at the church ceremony but are unable to attend the meal and the evening reception.

That's fine, I have absolutely no problem with child-free weddings.

I have a baby that I EBF so I text the bride and declined the invite and said it because I couldn't leave DS. DS will have just turned 5 months at the time of the wedding. I didn't get a reply from her.

My DH is felt quite aggrieved as he wasn't comfortable with the fact that me and DS couldn't go seeing as DS will not need a seat or food so won't be affecting their guest numbers or cost. But anyway, like I said, I have no problem if the B&G choose child free weddings.

However, it has now transpired another couple who have a baby are being allowed to take theirs because "he will only be 3 months old".

Since learning this my DH has spoken to the Groom who has said he will speak to the bride. The Groom said of course he wanted me to be at the wedding but apparently the bride had said she didn't want babies/children present as she didn't want food being thrown around the room?!

Do 5 month old babies do that?
(DS is my first so I have no experience of a baby's fine dining etiquette).

He also said she probably wasn't aware I'd still be BF.

It's been five days now since my DH spoke to his friend and we still haven't heard anything back do I'm guessing the bride said no and we are still not welcome.

I don't know how I feel about it all now - surely if she is banning babies it should apply to all babies? I think it's a bit unfair that I'm being turned away but another mother and her baby aren't.

(Incidentally the other baby is being formula fed so can technically be away from her parents.)

I'm happy to be told I'm BU - I just think it's a bit harsh that my baby isn't welcome but someone else's is....

I had absolutely no idea before my DS was born about what it is to EBF, I think I thought you could switch between BF and FF as and when was convenient (and I suppose you can if that's what you choose but not in the care free manner I thought). Engorged boobs or a baby refusing bottles had never occurred to me. The bride has probably had no cause to consider this before.

I agree you should have mentioned it specifically when you declined but then from experience I know I spent months getting my bottle refuser on to bottles in advance of a friends child free wedding. Was a bit different as he was 10 months but the BF implications just felt too difficult
to explain.

If she was to reconsider your DS isn't likely to be flinging food around. Even if you did start weaning a bit early you wouldn't have to try it at the wedding.

I actually think you could leave a 5 month old baby for a couple of hours, so I don't really understand why you are making a fuss. Don't you want a life beyond your baby? A child-free evening may be a lot of fun!

I can get where you and DH are coming from. It is more normal to allow what (at our wedding) we called "babes in arms" - basically kids still being breastfed - along.

But it sounds like the other couple (not enough friends with kids?) didn't specify this kind of criterion clearly (ideally they would have talked it over with friends who did have kids while still wording the invite!) and now you've said "no" - and perhaps they are already at capacity for the reception venue?

It is annoying that you're not going and that this other couple are; but given where it's ended up the best you can salvage from the situation is for your DH to go with good grace. You've all got the rest of your lives ahead of you and it seems a shame for a wedding to cause a rift.

I think you are being a bit over dramatic tbh. It's not you who isn't allowed to go it is your child and at 5 months yes you cam leave him for a couple of hours or you could express and give him a bottle for the one possible feed he would need.

Either get over it and don't go or get a babysitter and pop out if he needs a feed during the evening.

However to text the bride to decline your invite is incredibly rude and for that alone Yabvu

If you had really wanted to go to this wedding, you would have accepted, and made arrangements to leave DS with someone, and express milk in advance for him. There is always a way.

But you were not worried about going, so declined.

The other baby is irrelevant.

And if your DH accepted, but is now having a hissy fit about this other baby going, but not yours, that's very rude. If he was happy to go alone before, he should be happy about it now. You were still a family before he heard about the other baby going, so his arguments make no sense.

Just get over it.

I wonder if it would have been fine if you'd asked at the time rather than declined. Numbers for weddings are always a nightmare so she may already have take. Your decline and invited someone else who she was unable to accommodate initially and you now coming back and saying you can go might be more awkward from a catering/space point of view.

If you're not that close to them, enjoy not making mind numbing small talk with strangers whilst waiting interminably for overcooked chicken then straining to hear some dull speeches full of in jokes you don't get. Also, you won't feel obliged to fork out for a hefty gift if the bride can't get it together to even respond.

Have a beautiful afternoon of bonding with your gorgeous boy instead and take comfort that in a couple of years the happy couple will be moaning about the challenges of being invited to a boring child free wedding.

Depending on how much time has passed they may have invited someone else in your place - I know I did this when people declined. I'm also another bride who had no concept of what having a baby was like and thought of my cousin wanted to come she could leave her baby with the in-laws. Still mortified about it and wish she had called to explain.

I'm very relaxed when it comes to etiquette, but even I can see that it was pretty rude to text your non acceptance.

Three month old babies are generally less easy to leave than five month old babies, but I'll hazard a guess and say that the other mother took the trouble of actually talking to the bride and groom and that this is why they're going and you're not.

Your husband is being ridiculous btw.

It would annoy me tbh as they are being ridiculous. It's not that they're banning babies outright, it's that they're banning you because they think your baby will "chuck food around". That's a nonsense!

A happy 5 month old, breastfeeding and generally being attached to her/his mum probably wouldn't even be noticed by the bride at the party, other than as people cooing over the baby.

They are being really silly and bride/groom-zillaish IMO. Yes that would annoy me. But not worth loosing sleep over.

Yes it's annoying but honestly, most weddings are so boring and tedious I would just enjoy a day out on your own with your baby.

The last wedding we went to we were told 'no kids' and then were sat on the same table as the bride's neices and nephews - of course they should have been invited but as they were only a couple of years older than our DS (they were all teenagers) it was incredibly boring having to sit and chat with other people's grumpy teenagers when we had made elaborate plans to leave our own DS.

I loathe weddings - thank goodness we are at the age when we are no invited to many .

bf baby?
just express and give him a bottle?

hahahhahaahaaa

Mous I was just about to say exactly the same thing. The posters who have advised that should get their tips on "just giving the baby a bottle as a one-off" into print - they could make a fortune!

Anyway just don't go op and make the most of it, I agree that weddings tend to be tedious and you have the perfect get out.

I actually think you could leave a 5 month old baby for a couple of hours, so I don't really understand why you are making a fuss. Don't you want a life beyond your baby?

That post annoyed me. It's like saying - oh just dump your baby when it's convenient. Why bother having a baby if you're going to treat it as an accessory?

I have a 5 month old baby who (like the OP) is EBF and I am their sole care giver during the day. He does not take a bottle and I would NOT just swan out for a fun evening because i think putting my baby's needs first is important. I'm sure that the OP does want a life of her own but that's the nature of EBF and regaining your own life/independence takes time. In her shoes I would be taking the baby or not going. I'm missing a wedding at the end of the month but know it comes with the territory of having a lovely little boy.

I wouldn't just leave a baby for a couple of hours - what if they get hungry as EBF babies can do? EBF babies often don't have a routine like FF babies sometimes do.

There may well be a good reason why an exception has been made. It's mildly irritating, but don't blow it up into something major. It's not that you are 'not welcome', it's that your baby isn't invited, which has a knock-on effect that you will have to decline the invitation. If you weren't welcome, you wouldn't have been invited.

If your DH is a good friend of the groom, then he should go anyway. I don't get this whole 'we're a family, if one can't go, none of us go' thing that comes up on wedding threads. I often go to things that DP doesn't go to, and he goes to things without me.

It would be a bit different if the bride and groom had said to him 'we hate your wife and she's not invited.' In those circumstances, I would expect him to say he wasn't going either, as it would be a deliberate insult. But that's not the case here. Him not going is going to look like he's throwing a strop because he can't bring his baby.

Yanbu.

My ebf baby still fed on demand at that age.

Also, not everyone can express. I tried loads of different pumps and never got more than half an ounce (which was a rare occasion and took ages), it was also very upsetting.

I wouldn't have given him formula just to attend a wedding.

I can accept child free weddings, but I hate the selection criteria some couples apply to allow certain babies and not others. All babes in arms should be allowed if one is.

Yes, your husband does look a bit of an arse about this.

Ive been to a wedding where the ceremony was ruined by a baby screaming throughout.

I'm always amused on these threads when people insist that babies are silent. None of the ones ive met have been silent, they've made a bloody racket. And the sound of a crying baby is utterly horrible.

Yabvvvvvu their wedding their choice. If they want x baby and not yours fine it's their wedding. You don't have to go. Just send dh or turn the invite down.

Where do you draw the line agewise - well it's different for different people - some people draw the line at mobile babies/children, so pre-walking would be fine. Some draw the line at grabbing stage, so probably up to 6m would be ok.

I'm guessing the bride has no experience of babies if she thinks a 5mo bf baby would be throwing food around... a 5mo baby (depending on which guidelines you stick to) should be exclusively milk fed, not eating "food" anyway, so unlikely therefore to be throwing it around.

Anyway. Sounds like the bride doesn't care whether or not you come, so I'd not bother - but send your DH - his wanting to stick up for you is admirable but tell him you really don't mind if he goes (presumably that is the case?) and you stay at home and have a lovely time with your baby. :)

And yes, the not wanting a life beyond your baby comment is annoying and patronising.

In the same way I would never criticise someone for leaving their child for the odd night out, I wouldn't expect to be criticised for not doing so. I first left my son for 2/3 hours when he was 6 months old and he was still in his own home. Didn't leave him overnight till 14 months.

I didn't have children to be worried about maintaining an evening social life for a good long while.

Having said that, I'm going to a wedding next year and have declined the invite on behalf of my (will be) 1 year old and 2.5 year old. I'm looking forward to an adult night out!

Oh he grateful you don't have to have the hassle.

Weddings and babies are hard work.

Your dh could go to represent you and you and ds can stay home and relax.

Best possible outcome.

Yanbu. I hate all this 'their day sod everyone else!' Nonsense that always gets rolled out in these threads. It's not about 'MY WEDDING MY DAY!' it's having a common courtesy for other people who you obviously cared enough about to invite in the first place.
It would take the bride nothing to send a simple message your way with a response or to ask what your baby will be doing (I.e breastfeeding and not throwing food around!)

I get where you're coming from completely and tbh I wouldn't go. Don't lower yourself by asking again.

Wedding nonsense like this from ME ME ME MY DAY MY DAY brides winds me up! ;)

Yes, your husband does look a bit of an arse about this

Yep.

If you'd really wanted to go, you'd have called the bride and explained about the breastfeeding/asked about a solution - which I'd guess is what the other mother did!

Instead you texted (!) to decline.

Tell you DH not to throw a strop.

The argument for/against child free weddings will always rage.

Sticking with the OP - I think there's something more going on here than the bride thinking there's a big difference between a 3 month old and a 5 month old in terms of 'needs at a wedding' and the likely hood of disruption caused. No one's that clueless about babes are they? (i'm saying there isn't much difference btw).

My hunch is that it may well be to do with the wording, method or timing of the decline of the invite. Did the text to the bride simply say ''sorry, not coming cos i cant leave DS'', or more like ''sorry, as DS is still a babe in arms and i'm breast feeding i cant leave him. Will be sorry to miss the day though''.

The first is a done deal, the second could be open to the bride saying ''oh, if he's quiet it's fine'' or whatever. Perhaps this is what's happened with the other baby.

I imagine the reasons about kids being invited/not intited, their ages and the food chucking etc, by the time it's come from the bride to her fiance, from her fiance to your DH, and from DH to you may now be a bit garbled.