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AIBU?

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Original poster

I can't take my baby to a wedding but someone else can...

438 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 16/06/2014 23:56

One of my DH's good friends is getting married in 2 months time. When they handed out their invites they said children are welcome to be at the church ceremony but are unable to attend the meal and the evening reception.

That's fine, I have absolutely no problem with child-free weddings.

I have a baby that I EBF so I text the bride and declined the invite and said it because I couldn't leave DS. DS will have just turned 5 months at the time of the wedding. I didn't get a reply from her.

My DH is felt quite aggrieved as he wasn't comfortable with the fact that me and DS couldn't go seeing as DS will not need a seat or food so won't be affecting their guest numbers or cost. But anyway, like I said, I have no problem if the B&G choose child free weddings.

However, it has now transpired another couple who have a baby are being allowed to take theirs because "he will only be 3 months old".

Hmm

Since learning this my DH has spoken to the Groom who has said he will speak to the bride. The Groom said of course he wanted me to be at the wedding but apparently the bride had said she didn't want babies/children present as she didn't want food being thrown around the room?!

Do 5 month old babies do that?
(DS is my first so I have no experience of a baby's fine dining etiquette).

He also said she probably wasn't aware I'd still be BF.

It's been five days now since my DH spoke to his friend and we still haven't heard anything back do I'm guessing the bride said no and we are still not welcome.

I don't know how I feel about it all now - surely if she is banning babies it should apply to all babies? I think it's a bit unfair that I'm being turned away but another mother and her baby aren't.

(Incidentally the other baby is being formula fed so can technically be away from her parents.)

I'm happy to be told I'm BU - I just think it's a bit harsh that my baby isn't welcome but someone else's is....

OP posts:
Billygoats · 17/06/2014 10:55

How old is ds now OP? You could feel very differently in a few months as he could be on solids or taking from a bottle.

I would say I you have declined already though your seat may be filled at the dinner. I know I filled ours pretty quickly as people declined.

ChickenFajitasAndNachos · 17/06/2014 10:56

I left my EBF DS2 for about 3 and a half hours when he was nearly 5 months old. I left him with my DH and a bottle. OMG when I got back home the baby was screaming and DH was close to screaming too. I wouldn't expect someone who hasn't had DC to understand this.
I'd stick with the decision not to go and try not to think about the 3 month old baby who is allowed to go the meal and evening bit.

FartyMcGhee · 17/06/2014 10:59

Reception is definitely the meal.

Everyone knows that don't they?

Anyway - what I wanted to say was why do people feel a need to give a reason for being unable to attend?
When you replied you should have declined with no reason and just an apology, instead you made a point of telling them why in the hope that this would change their minds.

Either you can go or you can't.

In your defence I do think it's odd they would allow one baby but not the other.

noneofyours · 17/06/2014 11:00

The amount of people who moan on here about child-free weddings OP, I get the impression that some would definitely guilt and moan.

The bride could be annoyed, depends on the bride though. My friend, the bride who was in tears, is the loveliest person going and people declining her hen do didn't affect her any towards them. But again, you see posts about bride and groomzillas who do get humpy and treat their guests like shit.

I think if she got pissed you couldn't leave your DS long then a) she's wrong because if someone can't make it then that's fair enough-regardless of reason and b) you have a young baby, whose also breastfed.

This just sounds like the occasion stress that comes with weddings to me: B&G stressed, someone offended (someone always is) being you OP and possibly bratty guestzillas in the way of people bitching and moaning about the no baby rule or guests who called up and talked it through with them and changed their mind. The last one could well have happened after you declined the invite OP, so they wouldn't think to call up and talk to you about it.

guitarosauras · 17/06/2014 11:01

swallow your pride (or should i say strop) and go to the ceremony.
they are your friends and it's their big day.

I'm going to a wedding in a few weeks. The bride has a year to live tops. If the invite said you must turn up naked and talk only in Japanese i would still go because i love her. (they won't as i'm making the invites Wink ).

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 17/06/2014 11:02

Of course reception means the meal!

I know you said they know you bf but that doesn't mean anything. You are assuming they know about not expressing or leaving baby with a bottle, all sorts of things. They don't have kids, it's the sort of stuff you're unaware of or even care about, until you do.

Why not phone and talk to them instead of passing messages through your DH or texting?

StoneTheFlamingCrows · 17/06/2014 11:03

I was very hurt when my bf 9 month old wasn't invited to one of our best friend's wedding, when all her family's kids were. When I clarified it with them, they said they wanted us to come and let out hair down (we had to travel halfway across the country and leave dd with my mum - I hated it). They had never even met dd. they have a bf lo now and I wonder if they would feel the same now.

People have all kinds of strange reasons for not inviting kids to their wedding, none of which I understand, but each to their own I guess. I wonder if having a "perfect" wedding is worth pissing people off and losing friends, but I guess in some people's minds it must be.

Quangle · 17/06/2014 11:04

OP you are being a bit OTT about this. B&G are not a government agency who have to demonstrate a universally applicable policy or risk being taken to the European Court of Human Rights.

It's just a wedding - they'd like you to go. They don't want babies. They said yes to the other couple maybe because the baby is younger. Maybe because they like them more. Maybe because the mum knows the bride's mum. Who knows? Either way, they are really busy and this issue is rightly very low down their radar.

Just go to the wedding or don't. But don't get in a strop or say things like "my baby's not welcome" - just sounds a bit flouncy.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 17/06/2014 11:05

billy - I was just wary about accepting the invite in case things were different in 2 months time (in the way you described) because I couldn't guarantee it. I wouldn't have wanted to accept my place and then say to them a few weeks before the Wedding that I was having to pull out because DS was still only BF (which is my intention). I thought it was probably fairer to let them know how things were and decline now so they could re-look at the guest list and invite someone else in my place. Maybe that is what has happened then.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 17/06/2014 11:08

But at 9 months they'll be on solids. If you require a high chair the venue will charge for an extra place, which to be fair could be taken up with a friend or family member.

I don't see why you need to lose friends over this sort of thing. I had a child free wedding (ok, it was local) all my friends came, we gave them plenty of notice and in the end we had one newborn baby.

If you don't want to go to a child free wedding them don't go, but I don't agree about making a big deal over it. Just decline.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 17/06/2014 11:11

I have already told them I will go to the Wedding, of course I won't miss that, because I want to see them get married. It isn't like I've been petty and refused to go to that.

Maybe the meaning of the term 'reception' is geographical because where I am the understanding is that the meal is the Wedding Breakfast and the Evening Do is the Reception Grin

I know when we sent out our wedding invites some of the cards we bought said (I.e the printed design) they are invited to the wedding (the whole day) and the other cards said 'Evening Reception' on the front for just those invited to the Evening Do Grin

Mind you the term Evening Reception implies there is also a Daytime Reception. I have never thought of it that way before! I guess I know now Smile

OP posts:
oxfordcomma75 · 17/06/2014 11:47

5 month old are not likely to be on solids. Current recommendations are milk only for 1st six months.
I see little difference between a 3 and 5 month old.
Op yanbu. Bride was rude not replying to your text.
With an ebf baby it isn't as simple as expressing and getting a babysitter. Many won't take a bottle and many also use breastfeeding for comfort.
So many people like to post about things they know nothing about.

fledermaus · 17/06/2014 11:47

Agree with others that knowing you are breastfeeding is not the same as knowing your personal feelings on bottles, formula or solids. A lot of people would be quite happy to leave a 5 month old with a babysitter for 4 hours.

fledermaus · 17/06/2014 11:48

Current recommendations are exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months too, but 99% of people don't do that either!

Just because there's a guideline doesn't make it so.

oxfordcomma75 · 17/06/2014 11:54

Unbelievable. So the other mother can't leave her baby for the wedding but can go to hen do.

fledermaus · 17/06/2014 11:56

Presumably she can leave her baby with it's father for the hen do, but not for the wedding as he will be there too. What's so strange about that?

HaroldLloyd · 17/06/2014 12:24

Yeah what's so odd about that oxford?

Maybe the bride got pissed off her face on the hen and told her she could bring the baby, and woke up with a hangover and much regret.

squoosh · 17/06/2014 12:34

Weddings aren't democracies, they are dictatorships. Once you realise that it's all much easier.

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 17/06/2014 12:38

It is threads like this that make me realise why people elope Blush

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 17/06/2014 12:39

Pressed post too soon.....

They always seem to upset people. Who is/isn't invited. Who will only come if so and so is/isn't invited.

SapphireMoon · 17/06/2014 12:41

I like it squoosh!
'weddings aren't democracies, they are dictatorships'.
That does seem the case in a lot of recent weddings I have been invited too....

BackforGood · 17/06/2014 12:46

Great post by Quangle

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 17/06/2014 12:53

I was thinking the same Twinkle

I would be happy to use having a 5 month old baby as an excuse NOT to go to a Wedding. I wouldn't have to buy clothes to attend or worrying that baby would decide to want a feed during the ceremony and scream the place down or cack its nappy. I would just stay at home and be happy Grin

I took Dd2 to my cousins wedding, a massive lavish affair and she was 18 month old at the time. Bloody hard work it was.

BauerTime · 17/06/2014 12:56

I'm struggling to understand why you have now asked if you can go? I find that really embarrassing for everyone. You are putting the B&G in a really awkward position. If they say no then you will have the arse. If they say yes then the flood gates are well and truly open and you will have caused them to have to move away from the wedding of their choice.

minniemagoo · 17/06/2014 12:58

Look the reality here isn't whether the other couples child is more welcome than yours because of age or whether yours is more worthy of an invite due to bf. The point is the B&G want this other couple there for the whole event and are allowing them bring their child due to no other childcare available/age/want to and they (b&g) are not that pushed if you attend. Maybe just re-evaluate your friendship rather than worry about how your dc was slighted. It's a 'they're just not that into you' situation.