I can't take my baby to a wedding but someone else can...

[Writerwannabe83]

One of my DH's good friends is getting married in 2 months time. When they handed out their invites they said children are welcome to be at the church ceremony but are unable to attend the meal and the evening reception.

That's fine, I have absolutely no problem with child-free weddings.

I have a baby that I EBF so I text the bride and declined the invite and said it because I couldn't leave DS. DS will have just turned 5 months at the time of the wedding. I didn't get a reply from her.

My DH is felt quite aggrieved as he wasn't comfortable with the fact that me and DS couldn't go seeing as DS will not need a seat or food so won't be affecting their guest numbers or cost. But anyway, like I said, I have no problem if the B&G choose child free weddings.

However, it has now transpired another couple who have a baby are being allowed to take theirs because "he will only be 3 months old".

Since learning this my DH has spoken to the Groom who has said he will speak to the bride. The Groom said of course he wanted me to be at the wedding but apparently the bride had said she didn't want babies/children present as she didn't want food being thrown around the room?!

Do 5 month old babies do that?
(DS is my first so I have no experience of a baby's fine dining etiquette).

He also said she probably wasn't aware I'd still be BF.

It's been five days now since my DH spoke to his friend and we still haven't heard anything back do I'm guessing the bride said no and we are still not welcome.

I don't know how I feel about it all now - surely if she is banning babies it should apply to all babies? I think it's a bit unfair that I'm being turned away but another mother and her baby aren't.

(Incidentally the other baby is being formula fed so can technically be away from her parents.)

I'm happy to be told I'm BU - I just think it's a bit harsh that my baby isn't welcome but someone else's is....

You sound very passive aggressive. I suspect that your DH has now said that he's not going to the wedding of a close friend because he knows what your behaviour will be like if he does go. I imagine he'd never hear the end of it.

Why on earth would you want a 5 month old at a wedding anyway. As others have said he could be left for a few hours. Just go with your DH and enjoy yourself, stop being such a fucking martyr.

And stop pushing for an invite that the bride and groom do not want to give, it's so embarrassing.

You can but ask I am afraid. If they say no then that's that.
I get really annoyed when people grump about B+G wanting a child free wedding but when some are allowed to come and not others that's not really on IMO.

We had a childfree wedding a few years back. One relation emailed and asked if she could bring a baby , lots of reasons why, she felt bad asking etc.. and we were on the verge of emailing back saying okay then another message arrived from a friend saying could she bring her DD(2) , lots of reasons etc... so we just thought fuck it, no kids, stick to our guns or it's just going to cause grief we don't want. People can either arrange childcare or not come it's up to them.

Glad we did.

And also yes a 5 month baby might well be on some solids if this makes any difference. Mine was. And it wasn't because I ignored the guidelines, its because I did a lot of reading and made an informed choice, but that's a debate for another day Im sure.

I still expect that it's because you text rather then call and explain. Texting is a rude response to a formal wedding RSVP- even emailing would have been better or calling because the B&G may have said your DC was welcome if you'd taken the time to explain. It's likely it irked the bride and groom to get a text so they took your decline as it was, have now invited someone else in your place and don't want to get into stresses and arguments by being honest and saying this to your DH. Because then they'd essentially be saying 'we think your DW was rude' which would piss off your DH.

Of wedding guest faux pauses, texting RSVP responses is one. Not responding is another.

Agreeing that if your DH was happy to go before then he's being petty now. It's not putting his family first- or he wouldn't have agreed to go without in the first place- it's stamping his feet and making the point that he's not happy.

Going forward, what's going to happen? Is your DH going to go and let it go? Is he going to ask the groom again? Or is he going to ignore the friendship?

Children at weddings are awful.

They cry, they get bored, they're parents don't have as good of a time and generally have to leave early.

And I have an 11 month old and a 3 year old.

Just get childcare and go for a few hours, is it local to you? I would go and have fun! (But then, I did leave 6 day old DD to go to my best friends engagement party )

I just do not get why people get so het up about babies/young kids at weddings. Bringing a baby or toddler to a wedding is just the very antithesis of fun. It would be so stressful the whole day and you wouldn't be able to relax.

And if you cannot be away from your baby because your are breastfeeding/you don't want to leave them then just don't go.

I suspect it's because of the way you and the other parents responded to the invitation. As a bride, if someone texted me and said "I'm not coming because I have a baby", thus presenting it as a fait accompli, I'd go "ok". But if someone called, explained that their baby is too small to be a disturbance, and asked if I could make an exception, then I'd consider it.

What a really weird post officervanhalen

Actually most people do care about a day that's really important to someone they love and are happy to celebrate with them.

OP, it seems from your post that you didn't tell the bride that you couldn't be away from your son for several hours because he is exclusively breast fed. I wouldn't expect someone who has no children (assuming the bride doesn't have any children) to know that a 5 month old may be (and of course not all are) EBF. It sounds as though the other couple explained why they could not leave their small baby, hence the exception. I agree with others that it is probably too late to do much about it now as the catering/numbers/alternative invites will have been sorted.

Incidentally, I left my 3 month old for an evening when my husband and I went to the Olympics. We got the tickets for the first evening of athletics before I knew I was pregnant and I really wanted to go! We actually had tickets for the morning too, so we took him along to that, and then his grandparents very very kindly came to pick him up and we stayed for the evening. I pumped and froze milk exclusively for that evening for the first 3 months of his life! But I had time to plan and sort everything out and also to introduce my son to a bottle (of course if he hadn't taken to the bottle I wouldn't have gone). So I think it is possible to leave an EBF three-month old for an evening with lots of planning, but not every EBF three-month-old and no-one should be considered unreasonable for not wanting to do it. But you do have to explain the full circumstances in the type of situation you've described in your OP.

Everyone is so concerned about the text I sent so I thought I would explain it further

When we got the invite through the post there was a section specifically about children where it said that they are welcome at the wedding but not the reception.

To me the word 'reception' means the Evening Do hence why I was confused. I couldn't work out why DS could come to the wedding and the meal (where noise is probably frowned upon) but they couldn't come to the Evening Do where there is already lots of noise.

I text her to ask her to clarify what the term 'reception' included which is when she said DS can't come to the meal or the evening reception. She also said she would let me know nearer the time when the meal and evening do were taking place so I could arrange childcare I told her that it meant I couldn't attend as I couldn't leave DS but of course I would go to the actual wedding and that DH would attend the whole day.

She knows I am breast feeding as she and her DH visit us quite a lot and DH sees the Groom every weekend. We do consider ourselves as good friends of theirs, she came on my Hen night and both of them were invited to the full day of our wedding.

DH had said he wouldn't be going to the wedding before we found out about the other couples baby. I have told him to go, it really doesn't bother me if he does and I'm pretty sure he will - he's just having a 'moment'. I do think he will silently be annoyed though if the bride still says me and DS can't attend. But we shall see.

I agree with WelshWabbit. They may well not have realised that your baby is EBF and therefore can't be left. And as you declined they've probably invited someone else instead, and so now can't reinstate your invitation (but they probably don't want to say that). Things like this are always better dealt with by talking rather than texting. Especially if the people involved are good friends.

Yeah, I think you shot yourself in the foot with the way you replied.

RSVPing to a wedding invitation by text is pretty awful.

RSVPing with an 'I can't come because of X' (implied: which is your fault) is pretty awful. And not entirely accurate - you could have gone to the ceremony, which is the actual important marriage part.

I don't think you meant to be rude, but you were. I wouldn't be too sympathetic for a later plea for special treatment either, if I were the bride.

I think if you'd RSVPd in a normal way saying yes to the ceremony, and then phoned and explained about ebf, and asked if it might be possible for baby to come to the reception, you might have got a different response.

Sorry cross-post

cross posted there. You weren't rude then. Sorry.

Wait and see. It does sound a little bit one rule for one, one rule for another, but they must have their reasons (even if not very good ones).

Could you attend the meal only and not the evening? Even breast feed babies can be left for a couple of hours or so at that age without starving. And you could express a bottle if need be? (or one of formula? I never did get the hand of expressing but the odd bottle of formula worked ok when I needed a few hours away).

I think still think calling would have been better too. Knowing you breastfeed is very different from knowing when you need to do it. Before my best friend had a baby she thought you could decide when to feed the baby and space out accordingly, she was surprised as her son demanding.

Texting is very impersonal as well and much is implied through test. While you think you were factual and logical, they may well read the tone as off and arsey- which is why texting is so bad for things like this. If you'd called and explained then things may well be very different, even as you've put above it is still rude to decline by text.

You declined, they've probably have someone else invited now, your DH needs to accept that you declined- they didn't uninvite you. It's a shame another couples baby is invited by the point remains that you were the one to decline so really shouldn't you have both sat down and talked it through then called then rather then declining off the bat? Or did you discuss it first? I'd be annoyed with DH too if he'd decline right away without discussing with me and letting me talk to my friend and if I agreed with the declinging and the method...well then I'd be being a brat to then get upset at my DH not being able to go.

You weren't bothered going anyway, do you really want to go if they feel forced to have to find space for you?

The Wedding is very local and I will be attending that but the meal and evening do is a good 45 minute drive away. Between that and the length of the meal and speeches I would expect to be gone at least 4 hours.

I know from other people's experiences that 'just giving a bottle' to an EBF baby is nowhere near as simple as it sounds I don't really want to start offering bottles now (in the hope he will learn to accept them in the next few months) just so I can be away from him for 4 hours.

Like I said, I really don't mind child free weddings and am happy to not go if that's what they want but I just feel a bit irked that my DS can't come but another baby can.

YANBU - and you weren't rude!

That may not be the Bride and Groom though OP, the other parents may have bitched and moaned until they caved. You backed off and readily agreed, your DS may have been welcomed otherwise, or not so if botching/moaning was involved- more put up with and accepted.

I was bridesmaid for someone who was in tears by a so-called good friend who manipulated and yelled and bitched until her 13 year old was invited. And then my friend had loads of people asking exceptions for their DC and more bitching and moaning because they declined all but babes due to budget constraints.

The sad truth is, I don't think you can expect non-parents to understand what life is like with an EBF baby. I know before I had dd, I would have thought you were being a bit precious, because surely it can't be that hard to leave a 6-months old for a few hours, that's what babysitters are for.

But don't worry... when they have their own, they'll understand

The thought of bitching and moaning to make them Dave sounds awful. Shame on the other couple if that's what they did! I certainly had no intention of making them feel guilty about the decision to have a child free wedding. But now I've found out it's one rule for me and another rule for another mother well it has just made me feel a bit off.

I do wonder if it's because I also declined the invite to her Hen Do - which is a 3 day trip to Scotland so said I couldn't leave DS that long. The other mother is going though. Maybe the Bride is a bit annoyed about that too?

chavhah - I totally agree

My first sentence is suppose to say "make them cave" not make them Dave

I agree with noneofyours that there is a difference between knowing a baby is breast fed and knowing (a) that you don't feed your baby formula at all (lots do both) and (b) that this means you can't leave him/her for periods of 4 hours. I didn't know the latter before I started reading up on breastfeeding when I was pregnant.

OP I think it would have been better to ring rather than text initially (you would then have been able to explain the problems in more detail), but I also think the bride's response about children throwing food etc was unhelpful and a bit ignorant. However, you've only heard it third-hand, and it was probably a general comment and not aimed at you or your son.

I'd leave it and see if you hear back - if you don't, assume they've taken your initial response declining the invite at face value and invited someone else - and enjoy a lovely day with your son.