to wonder where everyone's money comes from and why we have none?

[pennilessandpanicking]

We are really struggling for money and are in a bit of a mess that we can't get out of. We really struggle to the point where I couldn't take the children for an ice cream with their friends after school this week because I didn't have any money to buy an ice cream. Yet my facebook is full of people eating in cafes, driving places at the weekend, children doing endless after school activities (mine did do gymnastics but have had to stop it, and often can't afford to take the toddler to the childrens centre playgroup because I literally don't have the pound admission). Some of these friends are an a lower income than us / not working...AIBU to think they must be being helped by family, or have savings we don't have, or another source of income?

DH earns about 30,000. To me that is a high wage, it's certainly more than anyone in my family has ever earned, although I appreciate that some people will earn more. I am a SAHM. We have looked at the finances of me working and when we do the sums, with 3 DC (two would need before and after school care, one preschooler would need all day), we can't see how it is financially possible for me to work.

Basically, we moved from the North to the South-East a couple of years ago in order for DH to take up a permanent full time job, which increased his income from 16,000 to 30,000 and gave us the security of a permanent contract. Obviously the cost of living is higher, and we seem to be worse off, along with having much lower tax credits than we did on a lower income.

We have done everything we can to save money. Our rent is 850, which is honestly the lowest we could find in the town where DH works. If we lived further out, we would spend more on travel. I hate the town anyway and wouldn't choose to live here! After bills, council tax, etc, we have about 400 to get through the rest of the month, including food and travel. We shop in Aldi or Lidl, and manage to spend about 55 a week on food, cleaning products and toiletries for the five of us. It is tight, using cheap veg to bulk out meals etc and no treats - especially for the grown ups. We don't use the car unless essential. DH walks forty minutes each way to work, and cycles the children 4 miles each way to school in a bike trailer, except on the mornings when he isn't able to because of work commitments, in which case I get the bus (i can't drive) which costs about 12 in bus fare for me and the children, for 2 return trips (there are complicated reasons why they don't go to school closer to home, involving school admissions and some extra needs, but we're not eligible for help with transport and we just don't have the spare money for me to learn to drive, even though we would save money in the long term because bus fares are extortionate).

We have sold everything of any value, including jewellery I was given for my 21st, things left to me in a will, etc. We don't have a TV or sky subscription. We have never had a holiday, and have only been abile to visit family when they have been kind enough to pay for the travel. All the children's clothes are off ebay, or have been passed on to us by other people. DH and I have holes in our clothes, and I have no shoes, only flip flops. A couple of months ago we had to SORN the car because we couldn't afford the MOT and road tax in one installment. Some months we have run out of money halfway through, and have managed by buying enough cheap food for a budget menu, and dh and I sometimes going without food, especially fruit and veg, in order to save it for the children.

AIBU to think that on the income we have, we really shouldn't be this desperately broke? Am I missing something abiout how everyone else is doing this? We do keep looking out for jobs in cheaper areas but nothing is coming up, and I'm not sure how we'd afford to move unless there was a relocation package.

Please be kind, but genuine suggestions welcome!

worth checking the tax code then?

also tax credits - although i guess they just told them the new salary rather than stopping the claim?

If your DH is an academic am I right in thinking he only needs to be at work 9-5? Could you work evenings and/or weekends?

It is difficult without a car. Your DH could teach you to drive with kids in the back but it's not ideal and pointless if you can't afford a car anyway.

Paying £12 in bus fares to get DC to school seems crazy. When will your eldest be able to cycle? There are a couple of YRs who cycle a couple of miles each way at our school, but your school must be much further.

Do you have access to the online account?

You have 2 questions in your OP :

1. Where does everyone else's money come from?

A variety of sources - salaries, families, credit cards/loans, benefits. This is not relevant at all to your second question of why you don't have any because the answer would be obvious otherwise - your income isn't enough to meet the outgoings you would like it to, you don't want to put things on credit (good move) or you would be and I am assuming you are claiming all the benefits to which you are entitled.

How to cope - first stop looking at what everyone else has. They've got what they've got and how they got it isn't going to help you.

Second - go through your income in detail and make sure you're claiming everything you are entitled to (as mentioned up thread).

Third - go through your outgoings and list everything. A spreadsheet is good for this. Include absolutely everything including money aside for repairs/renewals, clothing allowance, "fun", dentists etc as well as the obvious rent/food/bills columns. Also include things you'd like to be able to spend money on - so holiday, birthday presents, parties etc.

Normally at this point the figure in the outgoings column is bigger than the income column.

You can then look at your outgoings column and see what you're prepared to cut down or out entirely and make a new outgoings budget including what's important to you. That might be £5 a week on ice creams but not £5 a week on a phone contract (I find payg much cheaper actually).

When you know your income and all your outgoings, you can then see the shortfall and work out what you can do to prop it up. I suspect it will mean you getting a job - HCA shifts at unsocial hours while your DH looks after the children are probably a good thing if you can get to your local hospital easily and safely at unsocial hours. Weekend work eg as a phlebotomist is great - it's generally mornings only so you'd still get some family time in the afternoons.

The really good thing is that you seem to be coping - albeit only just! - on your DH's salary. So any money you earn above that can be used on what you want it used on - savings, ice cream treats, toddler groups - which is a bonus :)

As far as the luxury of 3 children on one salary - I am assuming you made those decisions under very different circumstances which have now changed. So pretty pointless to bring it up.

Congratulations on your DH getting a permanent contract - it's not easy. And his salary will only go up with luck and some good judgement on future job apps :)

Just a couple of suggestions for 'pin money' - may be enough for some Xmas or birthday presents. Try Valued Opinions or other survey sites. Also Dooyoo and Ciao consumer review sites pay something even if it is only a pittance. I have done both whilst on maternity leave and got about £15 or £20 a month which I know isn't a lot but be a nice stash for Xmas.

There are also opportunities particularly for someone with a degree, on line eg. generating web content. Again the money is rubbish but you have no outgoings and are on your own time. I got my info, as someone mentioned up thread, from MSE.

I too often ponder where people get their m

Ponder where people Get their money from. I am an older mum so benefitted from free education and decades of work before my ds. I know mums in their twenties who have nice houses they own, new cars, holidays and I think, how does that work?! You never know though what they have inherited, get from living parents or simply pile up as debt.

Have you told the tax credits about dla , you should be getting extra. Also you may be entitled to some hb you get a premium per child plus an extra disabled premium.

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now, you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances.

I don't know what the work load of a lecturer is like, especially with regard to research as well as teaching, so just ignore any suggestions that won't work for your family. Obviously your husband has to work on things which will enhance his career but if he does have spare time then could he take on extra work? Writing or speaking perhaps? How does the summer work for you, could you take on a temp summer job if he is able to do childcare and do any writing etc in the evenings?

About the car... its hard when you are paying the running costs of a car and still having to pay out on public transport. If you keep the car, it is sometimes better (financially, not environmentally or exercise wise!) to use it for short journeys rather than the bus (the extra fuel is unlikely to be as much as the bus fares). So on days when cycling isn't an option, could he drop them off in the car? Cars are so expensive, I didn't realise (I don't drive) until we got one after a break.

I hope you do get the extra benefits that you need which should ease the pressure. Best of luck with the job hunting, or finding self-employed work that can be flexible around your family.

Take care x

30k isn't a lot if you live in an expensive area. We only have two, we can't really afford a third child. I mean, we could now but their costs increase a lot as they get older as you know (icecreams, extracurricular etc). We own, not rent, and that has saved us a lot in the long run. We still do the cheap veges/legumes thing to bulk out meals even if we are more comfortable now. Could you look for evening/weekend work that does not involve having to hire childcare? Could you do childcare swaps with another mum who wants to work part-time too?

OPs rent is 850 a month. She gets around 2 k a month plus DLA for the dc which should cover travel costs.

OP how much do you take out of the account at them beginning of the month and does DH determine the amount? You seem to be depending on amount that isn't enough, it may be that you can reduce in other areas.

I think running a car is pointless on your salary, you would be better off moving closer into town where you can walk, cycle or use public transport. Are you on any housing waiting lists?

You mentioned you had supported students in the past - have you thought about teaching assistant work? Or at dhs university doing some sessional work supporting student s. dh is probably flexible and could take dc while you did some work at uni.
Feel sad that an academic is struggling like this. I'm an academic and we often say how difficult it must be for main breadwinners just starting out - no security, lowish wages but expected to work long hours to build reputation. I wouldn't advise any of my sons to go into academia.

OP don't have time to read all the thread although people seem to be giving you good advice. As far as I can see there's pretty little you can cut. Don't know that I could manage on fifty quid for groceries, so I take my hat off to you. I think you suffer by renting. Interest only mortgage payments, or repayments on a small mortgage are MUCH cheaper.

As to where other people get money from - your neighbours will have made between 10-20% a year of their house price simply by the rising market. That's probably more than your DP's salary by doing nowt.

People will have inherited.

And a lot of people have dual incomes.

Sure someone's suggested it upthread but you mention you get everything off eBay. Good for you. Do you sell as well? I operate a 'sell two, then and only then buy two' policy on eBay so I don't think I've actually spent any money on the kids' clothes since the initial baby outlay.

And then on a philosophical note...try not to compare. Fate is a capricious mistress and that person pushing a trolley round Waitrose may be redundant next week. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. People may be living on the never never. Or they may be very unhappy. It sounds like you have a really solid family unit, and that's the most important thing. When I get a bit bitter and resentful I try to repeat something a wise person told me (ie my Granny!) - 'remember, somewhere at this very moment someone is down on their knees praying for something you take for granted.'

That helps. Occasionally [smile.]

Agree with googlenut. Academia is a tough job to be doing when you're supporting a family of 5 in the SE. I am in London and have a few friends who were working in academia but almost all have left for much more lucrative work in the City/industry. Depending on your DH's field, that may be an option for him. It is a bit self-indulgent really for him to pursue his dream career if his qualifications could bring a much better quality of life for his dc. Only a couple of people I know have continued working in academia after ten years and neither of them have families and probably never will on their salaries.

Long term, also look at the pay on the lecturer pay scales to see what your husband can realistically go up to. I went from academia (an old university so on a higher scale then new) to industry and found that in a year or so the industry salary was outstripped by academia as academia has incremental pay scales (or did when i made the change) whilst Industry does not. If you can be in the small group of people who make it to a very senior level in either industry or academia then it is you can probably support a family of five on one salary but I found that the opportunities for promotion to that level are few and far between. One good way to get a salary increase can be to change jobs. In a couple of years maybe your OH can move back up north AND achieve a pay rise.

1. Get dh to give you access to all your bank accounts and check bills and outgoings. Until then nobody can advise you.

1. Write it down. Go through budget planner tool, there are many, and check moneysavingexpert to compare with others..

1. Seek advice. Go to a money advice organisation, CAB or entitledto website.

1. Look for housing schemes and get yourself on any waiting lists for subsidised housing that you can. Relocate if necessary to ensure the car can be ditched, and check council tax rate in the area.

Hi Panicking..I am hoping to provide some practical assistance and convince my self I haven't wasted my life with 22 yrs in DWP !!. One thing I do understand is benefit double spark and benefit entitlement. I don't know all your ins and outs but based on the figures you have provided (1860 wages, 47.60 chb weekly, 22.15 DLA low rate care . No income for you. Rent 850 pcm and presume that is in the broad market rate for the area...in other words you are not paying over the odds... and average class D council tax....) in which case you are missing out on a massive amount of benefit entitlement...
194.18 Child tax credit WEEKLY
133.21 Housing benefit WEEKLY
3.73 reduction council tax WEEKLY.
which comes to a massive 1434 a month you are not claiming and are entitled to....my advice is claim every thing you are entitled to. Some benefits are 'passports' to other entitlements...ie reduced cost travel if in receipt of housing benefit in some areas... my other advice is that don't feel bad about claiming. Claim whilst kids are young. You working will NOT HELP YOUR FINANCES if you claim as the benefits will only decre,ase almost pound for pound you will never see dh, he will be tired from work and not have the energy required for child care, and you will be completely knackered from all day child care followed with working in eve. Claim your entitlement, until kids at school, you will pay enough in taxes over your working lives to not feel any guilt. I would suggest learning to drive with the extra loot as that will reduce another cost of expensive buses. So the simple answer to your original question, how do others do...simple !.they are claiming what they are entitled to

Crikey !

Sassy people are also earning a lot more than 30k and not claiming or entitled to claim anything.

You may be able to get Thames Water to put a cap on your water bills, assuming you have a meter.

Don't get too hopeful, but do click this link.

Sorry OP. I do totally understand where you are coming from. We are in the midlands on a similar income but a bit more as I work part time and our rent is 650 and we still don't have much left after about the 20th or so each month.

How old is youngest? If over two you could look at already putting her/him into a community pre school, not an expensive nursery or anything. I pay £11 per three hour session this includes snacks and drinks. If you were able to get some cleaning or dog walking work near to the pre school you may be able to make a small profit after the fee. If they are nearly three then you will get 15 free hours which equates to five morning sessions. You could do a couple of hours paid work each morning this way.

I would seriously consider babysitting too. I am saving for my masters so I try to do at least one night a week. I only charge £5 per hour as I tend to know the people but you could charge about £7.50 and say min three hours. Are there any posh areas of Luton? I'd make a little flyer and do some letter drops of it as even if you did that once a week it is an extra £22.50 you didn't have.
You seem to be doing really well with your grocery shop. If you don't know them already check out if there is a b&m or home bargains near you. Things like tins of chick peas, tomatoes and tuna are even cheaper than aldi. Also check out approved foods.com

I know you haven't said what size you are but this is a genuine offer, I have to move house again and am having a huge clearout and I am happy to send you some things and shoes so if you are a size 3 foot and 8-10 body by any chance then PM me, I really mean it, no bother.

When youngest is doing longer hours at school you cpuld look into nanny work, if full time you could pretty much match DH's wage. Of course you may need to spend some of that traveling but you are not far from London. As you have experience with special needs may I recommend an agency called snap childcare.

Teaching assistant is a great option for term time only and a very enjoyable job, the money is not great though. Probably similar to HCA but less as do bank staff get paid more?

Teaching agencies are now mainly using what is called a cover supervisor, you do not have to have a pgce for this so could be worth looking into and they will likely take you on as you are well qualified. You would need to keep the car to do supply though.

Sorry you are having such a crap time. Thinking of you.

If your DCs are young enough to share then downsize to a 2 bed or even a big one bed, with you and DP in the living room.

Also with your qualifications and experience I think you can earn more lt than DP. Look for good ft jobs for you back north then weight up pros and cons.

Chickenfajitas , you are quite right, it's entirely possible to be earning 30k and not be entitled to anything, the thing with means tested benefits is that is all to do with individual circumstances. 3 children, makes a big difference to 2, 1 or no children..also 30k, 3 children and a mortgage will mean a lot less benefit entitlement than paying rent. unless both parents not working, no help for months with mortgage and then interest only at a percentage rate far lower than most are paying. This is because there is no 'material gain ' to the claimant from rent..ie can't sell the house and cop the equity which home owners obviously can.. so if on low wage, which 30k is in south families much better of renting.. The problem is it's a minefield and hundreds of people don't claim when entitled then really struggle BUT thousands have made it their life's work and they are often the ones scamming the system ... don't get me started on that topic...

Job idea - A nice lady round my way charges £8 an hour to check on your cat daily and feed it while you're away, or to walk your dog etc. Set up a website and do this?? Seems a nice easy way to make a little dosh, and can do it once kids in bed or with them in tow. Do it for friends first to get some references.

fab post, sassyb

Sassy, OP is in rented accommodation, we have already worked out that she isn't getting 190 a month she is entitled to.